Gift of Forgetting

I spent the day with my sweet Gwenda again. She calls me, "Jenny girl." I love it! She wanted me to come out and see her again, because of the blog that I had written called "Panic Attack". She was very concerned about hearing this, "Do you ever feel like you are going to have a panic attack? I do, every time I am going to leave my house. The pressure of seeing other people and talking to them, just about overwhelms me. Going to a place where there is going to be lots of people gathering-- the grocery store, picking my son up from school, going to my son's soccer game, church, small group gathering (where different people come in unexpectedly), all of these places freak me out! Every time I leave my home, I have to fight against the fear. You see, I struggle with remembering how I know people. I do not remember people's names, or even their faces for that matter..."

A very cool thing about being so open about all of my struggles, is that I do not have time to wrestle with them long. God sends me someone with an outside point of view. This gives me a chance to work them out and deal with them.

My day with Gwenda was once again spent with the horses. I rode one of them bare back. She told me this was my time to gain my balance and feel the movement of the horse under me. I was to concentrate on how my body felt and how I was anchored upon the horse. Then after my time was done, we got my boys and put them on the horses and walked next to them down the road. It was after my time of settling in and getting comfortable, this is when the talking and sorting began. We went into the house, got some lunch, and began digging for the root cause of my fear. We finally settled on this, it all started when I moved to Gunnison. Jason knew everyone and I knew no one. I felt like I had to know the whole town all at the same time. This fear blocked me from really settling in and feeling comfortable. Since I still do not know everyone, (how could I, but that is how fear works, it is illogical) I fear they will take it personally and think "they are not worthy of me remembering who they are." Now, me not knowing their name right away, blocks me from retaining their name, for I live in fear of asking them to tell me their name again. It is a huge cycle that I have been dancing with for years and I thought it was just my way of life, forever. I thought I would always live in this fear.

But, then Gwenda asked me, "What is the blessing of not remembering who people are?" Blessing? How can there be a blessing? Then it hit me, I do not store up people's sin in my heart and hold their sin against them. I forget! I have lived here for 10 years, and I do not know anyone that I hold a grudge against. Don't get me wrong. I have had my moments, but my gift is forgetting. Then I move on. Isn't that how it works. God gives you a gift and Satan tries to come in and distort that gift and make you live in fear of that gift God so freely gives us. "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." (Ephesians 4:32 ESV) How does Christ forgive? He forgets! What a blessing!

So now I can live in peace. If I ask you your name, again, do not get offended. Remember, my gift is the gift of forgetting, (I will not hold anything against you) its my gift. If you know no one who is safe, you think they will hold your sins against you, I am safe. I will forget. You will find an example of forgiveness, through my gift of forgetting. "Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working." (James 5:16 ESV) My sin was fear. I did not realize that I had a gift. Satan was taking my gift and making me live in fear, but now I have freedom all because I confessed my sin of fear. Do not live in fear. Confess. Repent. Forgive. Forget.