Frustrations

"Remember that you have been saved so that the life of Jesus may be manifested in your body (see 2 Corinthians 4:10). Direct the total energy of your powers so that you may achieve everything your election as a child of God provides; rise every time to whatever occasion may come your way." (O.C.)

Yesterday, my hair dryer would not turn on. I checked the outlets, thinking the breaker may have been tripped. That was not the case. So, I marched very heavily down the stairs to get our old hair dryer that I keep for guests in my son's bathroom. Back up the stairs and into my own bathroom where I plugged in my back up hairdryer. My back up was not working either! I very frustratedly grabbed my keys and headed to WalMart to buy a new one. After finding one that I wanted, I went back home and finished getting ready for my son's parent/child soccer game. I was a cheerleader for my boys. My husband and son were in this playing together. During the game my husband lost his wedding ring. Frustrations that happen to us on a daily basis. Frustrations that can interrupt our entire day, if we allow them. Frustrations that are so small, but can blow our whole example of how we are supposed to be able to find peace in Christ.

"You did not do anything to achieve your salvation, but you must do something to exhibit it. You must “work out your own salvation” which God has worked in you already (Philippians 2:12). Are your speech, your thinking, and your emotions evidence that you are working it “out”? If you are still the same miserable, grouchy person, set on having your own way, then it is a lie to say that God has saved and sanctified you." (O.C.)

I have had college girls ask me, "Why do I need to believe in Christ? I see your friends and they are not happy. I see the struggles they are going through. I need to know that I am going to be taken care of. How is He helping them? I have seen you loose it, over very little things. How is He helping you?" Ouch!

Don't get me wrong. None of us are perfect, but it is our daily living that speaks. We have others who do not know Christ, who are watching us. Can they watch us go through a struggle and see that there is something different holding us up? Can they see us and want our peace? Do my children see me throw a fit over a broken hair dryer? It is in the small every day struggles where we loose our whole witness to our children, and others. Most outsiders see us loose it only in the "big" issues, but they still see us loose it.

"God is the Master Designer, and He allows adversities into your life to see if you can jump over them properly—”By my God I can leap over a wall” (Psalm 18:29). God will never shield you from the requirements of being His son or daughter. First Peter 4:12 says, “Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you . . . .” Rise to the occasion—do what the trial demands of you. It does not matter how much it hurts as long as it gives God the opportunity to manifest the life of Jesus in your body.

May God not find complaints in us anymore, but spiritual vitality—a readiness to face anything He brings our way. The only proper goal of life is that we manifest the Son of God; and when this occurs, all of our dictating of our demands to God disappears. Our Lord never dictated demands to His Father, and neither are we to make demands on God. We are here to submit to His will so that He may work through us what He wants. Once we realize this, He will make us broken bread and poured-out wine with which to feed and nourish others." (O.C.) This is a call for me, for all of us to see the bigger picture. Can we see what that is, even in our trial today?

Spring

I love the timing of how things work in my life. For example, I am starting over in my reading of the bible. Genesis, the book of beginnings. As I look out my window, my favorite Spring time tree is budding its small plumb colored leaves. Soon this tree will be covered with beautiful pink flowers. My colors that I see will turn from cold white to red, green, and pink, outlined with the blue of the sky behind them. The grass is turning from a hard brown to green, and will soon be a lush garden for my feet. Spring, the time of new beginnings. Right now, because I am in it, this is my favorite time of year. Winters are long in the mountains. The snow and cold seem to last forever, but the Spring is here and the birds are singing again.

I love to study the word. This is the only book that will give you something new to think about every time you start to read it again. The other day I was watching a program on TV where a Jewish Rabbi gives lessons from his Jewish background. He took the verse in Genesis 3 that says, "So the Lord God banished them from the Garden of Eden, and he sent Adam out to cultivate the ground from which he had been made. After banishing them from the garden, the Lord God stationed mighty cherubim to the east of the Garden of Eden. And he placed a flaming sword that flashed back and forth to guard the way to the tree of life."

I heard something new in his teachings. Now I do not know if he was correct or not, but it is an interesting way to see Genesis new for me, again. He took the word "banished" and explained how the actual translation means "divorced." And the cherubim were not really there to keep them out, but to show them the way back. They were stationed in the garden to help remind the people of their loss, but to also help them see their way back home.

So if we change the wording a little to the actual translation it reads, "So the Lord God divorced them from the Garden of Eden, and he sent Adam out to cultivate the ground from which he had been made. After divorcing them from the garden, the Lord God stationed mighty cherubim to the east of the Garden of Eden. And he placed a flaming sword that flashed back and forth to guard (show) the way to the tree of life."

From the beginning God has been calling us back to Him. He wants us to see His newness. He wants us to see His wonder, even in the midst of the long winter. There is always Spring coming, no matter what has happened in the past.

Oswald Chambers, "Our circumstances are the means God uses to exhibit just how wonderfully perfect and extraordinarily pure His Son is. Discovering a new way of manifesting the Son of God should make our heart beat with renewed excitement. It is one thing to choose adversity, and quite another to enter into adversity through the orchestrating of our circumstances by God’s sovereignty. And if God puts you into adversity, He is adequately sufficient to 'supply all your need' (Philippians 4:19).

Keep your soul properly conditioned to manifest the life of the Son of God. Never live on your memories of past experiences, but let the Word of God always be living and active in you." Can you see the change ahead of you? Can you hear the new lesson from pages of old? Can you take the hurtful things that have already been written and see in them the Glory of God?

Allow God to make your past a foundation in which you stand on. If you will do this, you will be able to see His mighty swords pointing you back to Him. We cannot live in our past, but it can be the foundation to our future. Our future is in seeing the beauty of the Cross and the mighty power of His forgiveness. In this way, we will be able to sing with the birds, on this new Spring day.

Gift of Forgetting

I spent the day with my sweet Gwenda again. She calls me, "Jenny girl." I love it! She wanted me to come out and see her again, because of the blog that I had written called "Panic Attack". She was very concerned about hearing this, "Do you ever feel like you are going to have a panic attack? I do, every time I am going to leave my house. The pressure of seeing other people and talking to them, just about overwhelms me. Going to a place where there is going to be lots of people gathering-- the grocery store, picking my son up from school, going to my son's soccer game, church, small group gathering (where different people come in unexpectedly), all of these places freak me out! Every time I leave my home, I have to fight against the fear. You see, I struggle with remembering how I know people. I do not remember people's names, or even their faces for that matter..."

A very cool thing about being so open about all of my struggles, is that I do not have time to wrestle with them long. God sends me someone with an outside point of view. This gives me a chance to work them out and deal with them.

My day with Gwenda was once again spent with the horses. I rode one of them bare back. She told me this was my time to gain my balance and feel the movement of the horse under me. I was to concentrate on how my body felt and how I was anchored upon the horse. Then after my time was done, we got my boys and put them on the horses and walked next to them down the road. It was after my time of settling in and getting comfortable, this is when the talking and sorting began. We went into the house, got some lunch, and began digging for the root cause of my fear. We finally settled on this, it all started when I moved to Gunnison. Jason knew everyone and I knew no one. I felt like I had to know the whole town all at the same time. This fear blocked me from really settling in and feeling comfortable. Since I still do not know everyone, (how could I, but that is how fear works, it is illogical) I fear they will take it personally and think "they are not worthy of me remembering who they are." Now, me not knowing their name right away, blocks me from retaining their name, for I live in fear of asking them to tell me their name again. It is a huge cycle that I have been dancing with for years and I thought it was just my way of life, forever. I thought I would always live in this fear.

But, then Gwenda asked me, "What is the blessing of not remembering who people are?" Blessing? How can there be a blessing? Then it hit me, I do not store up people's sin in my heart and hold their sin against them. I forget! I have lived here for 10 years, and I do not know anyone that I hold a grudge against. Don't get me wrong. I have had my moments, but my gift is forgetting. Then I move on. Isn't that how it works. God gives you a gift and Satan tries to come in and distort that gift and make you live in fear of that gift God so freely gives us. "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." (Ephesians 4:32 ESV) How does Christ forgive? He forgets! What a blessing!

So now I can live in peace. If I ask you your name, again, do not get offended. Remember, my gift is the gift of forgetting, (I will not hold anything against you) its my gift. If you know no one who is safe, you think they will hold your sins against you, I am safe. I will forget. You will find an example of forgiveness, through my gift of forgetting. "Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working." (James 5:16 ESV) My sin was fear. I did not realize that I had a gift. Satan was taking my gift and making me live in fear, but now I have freedom all because I confessed my sin of fear. Do not live in fear. Confess. Repent. Forgive. Forget.

Birds are Singing

I love the promise of new life. Winter is long up here. The birds are singing again, but with the season's change, also comes Spring cleaning. It is time to clean the house, but who wants to spend their days inside? Winter's long sleep can no longer be ignored and doubt creeps in about how we are going to handle our new found freedom along with our new responsibilities.

We have a friend who is 6'7", a very tall man. When he comes into my home, I have a tendency to get very insecure, very fast. Most of my friends are around the same height as I am and I do not know anyone who is taller than Jason, but this friend has a whole new look on things. He walks in and I immediately notice where his eyes can see. He sees dirt in places that I never think to look, "for I don't need to clean that place, no one sees it." That is not the case when he walks in my door. After he leaves, (I do this, no joke) I get a chair and see my home from his point of view. Now I have a choice. I can either address the things that his height has pointed out, or I can go on ignoring them and settle back into my comfort zone. But settling always has a tendency to back fire, he will come over again, and I will once again be made uncomfortable. I am a person who looks forward to summer with all of the crazy emotions that are awakened and all of the work that it brings. I love to hear the birds sing. This change brings promise, but with this promise also comes lots of work. I just cannot sit back and ignore the dirt.

I know many who are struggling right now. They are hurt. There have been many who have had their own hearts revealed to themselves, and to others, in ways they would have never imagined. This is good. It brings light upon things that are normally left alone. It helps us to notice the dirt that we have been ignoring in the past. It helps us to see the truth about how we really keep our house.

Ephesians 1:22, "God has put all things under the authority of Christ and has made Him head over all things for the benefit of the church. And the church is his body; it is made full and complete by Christ, who fills all things everywhere with Himself."

Remember that Christ is very tall. He can see in places that we try to ignore. He can see right into our own hearts. We need to allow Him to show our hearts what we really need to notice. It is not about what others around us are doing and saying, it is about our own hearts, that is what really needs to be cleaned. This is the season for change. I am so excited about this new season and the hope that it brings. There is going to be lots of work. There are many things that have been exposed. I have many hidden fears that try and come in and try to silence me. I have many doubts that make my heart want to roll over and go back to sleep, but my doubts are in myself. I doubt that I can do what I know Christ is calling me to do. He wants my eyes to see the places in my own heart that need to be strengthened. He wants me to see myself. He wants me to take a good look in the mirror and not to just walk away and forget what I look like, but to keep looking steadily into His perfect law that sets me free.

If I concentrate on what others are doing in their own house, I have a tendency to start throwing dirt. I have discovered that when you start throwing dirt, all that really happens, is that you loose a lot of ground. You start concentrating on what they need and should be doing, I stop looking at my own reflection in the mirror. What Christ is showing me to do, never gets done. In this season, can I hear the birds singing? In this season, can I see the joy they bring? In this season, am I willing to work where I need to step up and work? Have I pulled out my chair and taken a look around my house to see things from another view point? Have I taken a look at my own heart from where Christ stands? Am I willing to concentrate on Him? This is a good thing. This can be fun. This is a time when we can sing with the birds. This is a time to notice things from another angle, no matter how uncomfortable it make us. This is a time to sing.

Guessing Game

Fear- It is amazing how Satan can try and trap you with fear. He pulls this card when all other cards are spent. He gets you to look at what you cannot do and tries to convince you that you are the cause of failure, any failure, you see around you. He does this by getting you to look at yourself. This is where fear originates and this is where it is cared for. It grows here until you become the center for everything. Everywhere you go, you start to think others are thinking about you. That is when he has you. He has you in a trap and the bait is you putting your own thoughts about yourself into other peoples heads.

I used to do this with Jason. I wanted him to understand what I was feeling and thinking, without me telling him. I wanted him to enter into my world of "guessing thoughts". I have a very wise man. He has always refused. His constant reply has always been, "If I try and guess what is going on, I will be setting myself up for failure. I do not like to fail, so you just need to tell me what you are feeling, so we can deal with it and move forward." Even though I have said some pretty horrible things to him, he is not afraid to fail if I tell him. He knows that he does not stand a chance, if he tries to guess.

Stepping out and opening up is not easy. It puts you at a perceived disadvantage. I begin to put my own thoughts into others head and I start to become certain that I know what they are thinking. I place myself as a god in their lives. I do not realize that I am doing this, but what other explanation do I have for such power. All focus is taken off of Christ and placed upon myself.

"Then Peter called to him, 'Lord, if it’s really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water.' 'Yes, come,' Jesus said. So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus. But when he saw the strong wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink. 'Save me, Lord!' he shouted." (Matthew 14:22)

Peter was willing to get out of the boat. His focus was on Christ. It was when he diverted his eyes away from Jesus that he began to panic. He took his attention away from the only one who could save him and started focusing on the problems around him. This is when fear overwhelmed him. He started looking at what he knew was impossible and he began to sink.

This is what happens to me. I take my eyes off of my God and I place them upon myself. This is a huge mistake. I cannot do it. I am very aware of my limitations. It is when I take my eyes off of Him and start focusing on me, that is when I find myself in a full blown "panic attack." My God, He can anything! If I can keep my focus on Him and what He has already done with my life, I will not look at my limitations and loose myself in my self-doubt. I do not doubt my God. I doubt myself. It is when my focus gets distorted that I begin to live in fear. My lesson is, breathe and trust that the Lord is good. Keep your focus on Him. He is the mighty Creator. He is the Savior of the world and He can do anything. Through Him, so can all of us who call upon His name. We are the courageous. We are the chosen ones. We are the ones who can walk on water, if keep our attention turned toward Him.

If you click on the title "Guessing Game" it will take you to Homespun Legacy. These are the things that God has done. Not me. But if I take my focus off of Him.... This is what Satan is trying to destroy. Thank you Don and Shelly! More than you know.

Panic Attack

Do you ever feel like you are going to have a panic attack? I do, every time I am going to leave my house. The pressure of seeing other people and talking to them, just about overwhelms me. Going to a place where there is going to be lots of people gathering-- the grocery store, picking my son up from school, going to my son's soccer game, church, small group gathering (where different people come in unexpectedly), all of these places freak me out! Every time I leave my home, I have to fight against the fear. You see, I struggle with remembering how I know people. I do not remember people's names, or even their faces for that matter. I have to see them many times to remember who they are, especially women. Women change their hair. Sometimes they have makeup on. Sometimes they do not. So I meet them, but the next time I see them, I probably will not recognize them and this freaks me out. I have a panic attack. I do not know if I damaged my brain with too many drugs, or if it is my MS, but this is my greatest struggle and I live in fear of failure. I live in fear of hurting someone's feelings, because I do not remember who they are. I fear they will get offended if I ask them their name more than twice. I fear they will take my weakness personally and think I do not care about them. I leave my house and have a panic attack.

Yesterday, I just about lost it. I had to get out. I had to go to Gwenda's house and spend some time with her. I did not know why I needed to see her so badly. All that I knew was that I would be able to breathe at her home. As soon as I could leave town, I drove the twenty minutes to her ranch. I had no agenda. I just needed to see Gwenda.

When I got there she was working with her horses. She was not riding them. She was just spending time with them. She needed them to trust her again after the long winter. She spoke tenderly to them and waited patiently for them to obey her simple hand commands. At times she would look away, waiting for them to come to her. Other times she would look right at them gently commanding them to follow her. She would walk in front of them and she would have them walk in front of her. She was patient. She would stop and take a deep breathe and tell them to breathe.

This morning I woke with my own horse, from when I was a young girl, on my mind and heart. I woke remembering the times that I had forgotten. Those times spent with him, not working, just being with him. He trusted me. I would braid his tail, even walk under his belly. If he was laying, down I would go and lay between his legs and rest on his large stomach. I woke remembering how to breathe.

I can get so caught up in the works of this life, that I forget how to breathe. I forgot that the whole reason that I want animals so badly, is not to work with them, but to be with them. Yes, it takes lots of work, but the love is just being with them. Dogs and horses are different. With dogs, they are predators. When they are afraid, they growl and attack. With horses, when they are afraid, they run away. I have forgotten how to relate my life with what I love. I have taken what I love and turned it into a job. I love dogs. So I took that love and started raising them. I love horses, but then never spend time with them except to ride them. We take our love and turn it into work, then we forget how to breathe. Then we begin to expect to succeed, instead of just be. I cannot live in fear. I must remember how to breathe.

"Show me your ways, Yahweh. Teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth, and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation, I wait for you all day long." Psalm 25:4,5
"Get all the advice and instruction you can, so you will be wise the rest of your life. You can make many plans, but the Lord’s purpose will prevail." Psalm 19:20-21

I cannot live in fear of making a mistake. I cannot live with panic attacks for the rest of my life. Why do I do the things I do? What is the purpose of my life? What are the things that I love? I love my God. My purpose is to be with Him. There are many works that must be done, but can I just breathe with Him? Pause... Remember how to breathe. I may have many plans, but then those plans seem to change and my world may seem to be out of line. He may be reminding me how to breathe. He is my love and remembering my love, and not just doing the work, this will remind me how to be with my love and just breathe. Breathe, and just be...