Panic Attack

Do you ever feel like you are going to have a panic attack? I do, every time I am going to leave my house. The pressure of seeing other people and talking to them, just about overwhelms me. Going to a place where there is going to be lots of people gathering-- the grocery store, picking my son up from school, going to my son's soccer game, church, small group gathering (where different people come in unexpectedly), all of these places freak me out! Every time I leave my home, I have to fight against the fear. You see, I struggle with remembering how I know people. I do not remember people's names, or even their faces for that matter. I have to see them many times to remember who they are, especially women. Women change their hair. Sometimes they have makeup on. Sometimes they do not. So I meet them, but the next time I see them, I probably will not recognize them and this freaks me out. I have a panic attack. I do not know if I damaged my brain with too many drugs, or if it is my MS, but this is my greatest struggle and I live in fear of failure. I live in fear of hurting someone's feelings, because I do not remember who they are. I fear they will get offended if I ask them their name more than twice. I fear they will take my weakness personally and think I do not care about them. I leave my house and have a panic attack.

Yesterday, I just about lost it. I had to get out. I had to go to Gwenda's house and spend some time with her. I did not know why I needed to see her so badly. All that I knew was that I would be able to breathe at her home. As soon as I could leave town, I drove the twenty minutes to her ranch. I had no agenda. I just needed to see Gwenda.

When I got there she was working with her horses. She was not riding them. She was just spending time with them. She needed them to trust her again after the long winter. She spoke tenderly to them and waited patiently for them to obey her simple hand commands. At times she would look away, waiting for them to come to her. Other times she would look right at them gently commanding them to follow her. She would walk in front of them and she would have them walk in front of her. She was patient. She would stop and take a deep breathe and tell them to breathe.

This morning I woke with my own horse, from when I was a young girl, on my mind and heart. I woke remembering the times that I had forgotten. Those times spent with him, not working, just being with him. He trusted me. I would braid his tail, even walk under his belly. If he was laying, down I would go and lay between his legs and rest on his large stomach. I woke remembering how to breathe.

I can get so caught up in the works of this life, that I forget how to breathe. I forgot that the whole reason that I want animals so badly, is not to work with them, but to be with them. Yes, it takes lots of work, but the love is just being with them. Dogs and horses are different. With dogs, they are predators. When they are afraid, they growl and attack. With horses, when they are afraid, they run away. I have forgotten how to relate my life with what I love. I have taken what I love and turned it into a job. I love dogs. So I took that love and started raising them. I love horses, but then never spend time with them except to ride them. We take our love and turn it into work, then we forget how to breathe. Then we begin to expect to succeed, instead of just be. I cannot live in fear. I must remember how to breathe.

"Show me your ways, Yahweh. Teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth, and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation, I wait for you all day long." Psalm 25:4,5
"Get all the advice and instruction you can, so you will be wise the rest of your life. You can make many plans, but the Lord’s purpose will prevail." Psalm 19:20-21

I cannot live in fear of making a mistake. I cannot live with panic attacks for the rest of my life. Why do I do the things I do? What is the purpose of my life? What are the things that I love? I love my God. My purpose is to be with Him. There are many works that must be done, but can I just breathe with Him? Pause... Remember how to breathe. I may have many plans, but then those plans seem to change and my world may seem to be out of line. He may be reminding me how to breathe. He is my love and remembering my love, and not just doing the work, this will remind me how to be with my love and just breathe. Breathe, and just be...