Open Doors

I woke this morning feeling refreshed and unafraid. For the past couple of days I have been in torment, every time I face my past it freaks me out! Here is what happened... The other day I talked to the classes that I am a substitute teacher in. In no way did I want them hearing about my past and fantasizing about what I have done. I knew that many of the kids knew and it was just a matter of time for the fire to spread. Then it would have been very hard to get under control, so I faced my past and talked openly with the kids. I did not give them graphics, but I did let them know the reality behind life choices. In doing this, I also knew that this could have some very serious repercussions in and of itself. So after I talked with them, one day went by and my heart was heavy and I was getting sick thinking about the administration finding out. Everything in me knew that I had to face them and let them know what I had done. Trust me, this was not easy. Yesterday morning I first went to the counselor and told him. He in turn set up an appointment with the vice principal and we had a meeting scheduled for after school. I was a nervous wreck all day!! But, since I was honest and my actions were not motivated out of deception, everything went very smoothly. I was not guaranteed a reaction like I was graciously given, but I knew that I had to face what I had done, good or bad.

This morning my reading is in 1 Samuel 24. David had the perfect opportunity to kill Saul and get rid of his flight, but he did not take it. He could have killed him; when Saul left, he could have never let him know that he was even there, but he showed himself to Saul. He did not stay hidden, for he knew it was better to face Saul than to continue hiding in that situation.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, "'If thou hadst known' - God goes direct to the heart, with the tears of Jesus behind. These words imply culpable responsibility; God holds us responsible for what we do not see. 'Now they are hid from thine eyes' - because the disposition has never been yielded. The unfathomable sadness of the 'might have been!' God never opens doors that have been closed. He opens other doors, but He reminds us that there are doors which we have shut, doors which need never have been shut, imaginations which need never have been sullied. Never be afraid when God brings back the past. Let memory have its way. It is a minister of God with its rebuke and chastisement and sorrow. God will turn the "might have been" into a wonderful culture for the future.

I honestly did not know what would happen when I shared my story with the students. Nor, did I know what would happen when I told the school what I had done. In everything that I did I was acting out of concern for others around me. I did not want the kids to romanticize my past and I did not want the school to get into trouble. I faced a very formidable situation, but in both cases, I knew it had to be done. Secrets have always been my worst enemy. I cannot sleep when I am holding on to one. Last night I slept very well and today I have faced the day with a new breath and a new hope for tomorrow.