Remembering When

Remembering where I came from...
I always wanted to get married. I had a desire to make things right and I thought that if I were to get married, then all of my troubles would be solved. I was fifteen when I lost my virginity and it was then that I knew I needed help. I spent the next seven years trying to fit my desire to get married on to any and every guy that came my way. I did not care what kind of guy he was. Actually, most of the time I preferred the kind of guy that sort of scared me. I liked the thrill of the moment and for some reason, because he scared me, I felt safe in his arms. My seven years were spent trying to find a husband. So, at twenty-two I ran off to Los Vegas and got married to the guy that I had been dating for one year. Being married to him did not solve my problems at all. In fact, it multiplied them.

I was always running to the wrong thing to save me. I was always looking to a guy to fill that deep wound in my heart. I thought that being married would solve my problems. I think most girls feel this way. They may no longer have the desire to get married, for most are scared to death of marriage, because of all the marriages they see falling apart around them. But, most are looking to the wrong things to make them feel safe, secure, powerful, and wanted.

I stayed married to him for four years. During that time all hell had broken loose. I became addicted to drugs; pornography and the sex industry were running ramped all around me, until I myself became a stripper. My life was falling apart. I was dying. It was in the most horrible time of my life that I discovered how to call to God. It was during this time that I finally was able to let God take control of my life, for I could finally see how truly lost I was without Him.

"I will praise the Lord at all times. I will constantly speak His praises. I will boast only in the Lord; let all who are helpless take heart. Come, let us tell of the Lord’s greatness; let us exalt His name together. I prayed to the Lord, and He answered me. He freed me from all my fears. Those who look to Him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces. In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened; He saved me from all my troubles. For the angel of the Lord is a guard; He surrounds and defends all who fear Him. Taste and see that the Lord is good. Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in Him!" (Psalm 34)

I often go back in my mind to who I was without Christ. I often share my most horrible sins with others. For in doing this, my memory is kept right with God. This keeps me on my knees thanking Him for saving me when I called to Him for help. I know who I am without Him. Without Him, I am a lier, a thief, an adulterous woman, a prostitute. Without Him, I am nothing and I know it.

"Come, my children, and listen to me, and I will teach you to fear the Lord. Does anyone want to live a life that is long and prosperous? Then keep your tongue from speaking evil and your lips from telling lies! Turn away from evil and do good. Search for peace, and work to maintain it. The eyes of the Lord watch over those who do right; His ears are open to their cries for help. But the Lord turns His face against those who do evil; He will erase their memory from the earth. The Lord hears His people when they call to Him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed."

I used to believe that I had to have it all together before God would hear me cry. I used to think that I had to be perfect first, before He would save me. God is not looking for a perfect person. "Jesus said, 'It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.'" (Matthew 9:12) What He wants is a heart that will turn to Him. What He desires is for the sinner to realize who they really are without Him. What He wants is for us to know how far we can fall when we are not relying on Him. What He wants is to give us a new life. “It is important for you and me to know that God is not really giving us a more ethical way by which to live, but He is giving us a life that we could never manufacture on our own; by changing our hearts and changing our hungers.” (RZ)

I cannot take credit for the life that I live now. I cannot take credit for the great marriage that I now have. I cannot take credit for anything that I rejoice in, for I know where to give that credit. I tried to make my own life and it fell apart. He has given me a life now that I could have never dreamed up on my own. He has given me this life, because my heart and my desires are now for Him alone. Some may think that I am over the top. A crazy, insane person, because all I talk about is God. But I know how far I can fall without Him. Do you? Or do you give yourself credit for the life that you are living? If you do, be careful. One day you make wake up and the pride that you feel in yourself, may just slap you in your face. Don't wait till you are on the wrong side of life before you give your life to Him...