Illusions

This past week I went to Texas for a family reunion. Only it was not an ordinary family reunion. It was a reunion of friends. My dad had his hunting buddies my entire childhood. I grew up with their children and they are our extended family. They dubbed their group the WTO, West Texas Outfitters. What a wonderful time to see the people that I knew as a child. I now got to see them with their children and they got to see mine. It was time well spent and many lessons learned for me.

I must confess, before we left for Texas I was a basket case. We were going to spend our time together at the Gaylord Hotel. This hotel is based around its theme of water pleasure. There is a lazy river, water slide, large pool and other accommodations. The thought of having to spend my time in a bathing suit was not my idea of amity. I was excited to see my old friends, but I had seen pictures of them on Facebook and their pictures awakened an insecurity that I had thought was long gone. The insecurity of an illusion that no one can compete with. The illusion of the eye.

Let me explain:
When I was working at the club, I was the illusion. I knew how to work with that illusion and I knew how to play with the thoughts that entered through the eye gate. But after my days at the club were through, I discovered that while I was fulfilling a fantasy, I could not even compete with myself in the illusions that I would portray. My real life, the one that was not seen in the club, could not hold up to the fantasy that others would see. The true me could not compete with the illusion me. So here I was again looking at pictures on FB, illusions, of people. In my insecurity of my motherly body, my mind automatically went in competition of an illusion. Don't get me wrong. These women were stunningly beautiful. They worked out. I don't think I have done a situp in the last 10 years. But that is where the illusion is. It is in convincing yourself that you are in a competition with someone's outward appearance. Who can compete with that? There will always be someone prettier. There will always be someone more desirable physically. The outward appearance is the illusion.

This morning I have been reading in Numbers 22ff, the story of Balaam. In my cometary it says: "His story exposes the deception of maintaining an outward facade of spiritually over a corrupt inward life. Balaam was a man ready t obey God's command as long as he could profit from doing so... Who and what we are will somehow come to the surface, destroying any masks we may have put on to cover up our real selves. Efforts spent on keeping up appearances would be much better spent on finding the answer to sin in our lives. We can avoid Balaam's mistake by facing ourselves and realizing that God is willing to accept us, forgive us, and literally make us over from within.... Lessons from his life; Motives are just as important as actions. Your treasure is where your heart is."

So what had to happen to me? I had to put on a bathing suit, go where I was least secure physically. Go back to the place where I used to draw my security from and face a facade that I thought was no longer an issue in my life. At first I failed the test. I bought the lie, but then I learned my lesson. I cannot put my value in what I look like. I cannot always cover up my most unflattering features and only allow others to see the illusion. I have to face who I am. I have to discover what gives me security and what illusions I am still trying to portray. We all must at sometime go back to where we came from. At some point we must face the facade and discover who we really are. Where are our securities found? Where is our treasure? What is our motive? In each and every situation that we find ourselves in, there is always a lesson to be learned. Sometimes those lessons are lessons that we thought we had conquered long ago.