Illusions

This past week I went to Texas for a family reunion. Only it was not an ordinary family reunion. It was a reunion of friends. My dad had his hunting buddies my entire childhood. I grew up with their children and they are our extended family. They dubbed their group the WTO, West Texas Outfitters. What a wonderful time to see the people that I knew as a child. I now got to see them with their children and they got to see mine. It was time well spent and many lessons learned for me.

I must confess, before we left for Texas I was a basket case. We were going to spend our time together at the Gaylord Hotel. This hotel is based around its theme of water pleasure. There is a lazy river, water slide, large pool and other accommodations. The thought of having to spend my time in a bathing suit was not my idea of amity. I was excited to see my old friends, but I had seen pictures of them on Facebook and their pictures awakened an insecurity that I had thought was long gone. The insecurity of an illusion that no one can compete with. The illusion of the eye.

Let me explain:
When I was working at the club, I was the illusion. I knew how to work with that illusion and I knew how to play with the thoughts that entered through the eye gate. But after my days at the club were through, I discovered that while I was fulfilling a fantasy, I could not even compete with myself in the illusions that I would portray. My real life, the one that was not seen in the club, could not hold up to the fantasy that others would see. The true me could not compete with the illusion me. So here I was again looking at pictures on FB, illusions, of people. In my insecurity of my motherly body, my mind automatically went in competition of an illusion. Don't get me wrong. These women were stunningly beautiful. They worked out. I don't think I have done a situp in the last 10 years. But that is where the illusion is. It is in convincing yourself that you are in a competition with someone's outward appearance. Who can compete with that? There will always be someone prettier. There will always be someone more desirable physically. The outward appearance is the illusion.

This morning I have been reading in Numbers 22ff, the story of Balaam. In my cometary it says: "His story exposes the deception of maintaining an outward facade of spiritually over a corrupt inward life. Balaam was a man ready t obey God's command as long as he could profit from doing so... Who and what we are will somehow come to the surface, destroying any masks we may have put on to cover up our real selves. Efforts spent on keeping up appearances would be much better spent on finding the answer to sin in our lives. We can avoid Balaam's mistake by facing ourselves and realizing that God is willing to accept us, forgive us, and literally make us over from within.... Lessons from his life; Motives are just as important as actions. Your treasure is where your heart is."

So what had to happen to me? I had to put on a bathing suit, go where I was least secure physically. Go back to the place where I used to draw my security from and face a facade that I thought was no longer an issue in my life. At first I failed the test. I bought the lie, but then I learned my lesson. I cannot put my value in what I look like. I cannot always cover up my most unflattering features and only allow others to see the illusion. I have to face who I am. I have to discover what gives me security and what illusions I am still trying to portray. We all must at sometime go back to where we came from. At some point we must face the facade and discover who we really are. Where are our securities found? Where is our treasure? What is our motive? In each and every situation that we find ourselves in, there is always a lesson to be learned. Sometimes those lessons are lessons that we thought we had conquered long ago.

Common Sense is Not that Common

Genesis 25:27-34, "One day when Jacob was cooking some stew, Esau arrived home from the wilderness exhausted and hungry. Esau said to Jacob, 'I’m starved! Give me some of that red stew!' 'All right,' Jacob replied, 'but trade me your rights as the firstborn son.' 'Look, I’m dying of starvation!' said Esau. 'What good is my birthright to me now?' But Jacob said, 'First you must swear that your birthright is mine.' So Esau swore an oath, thereby selling all his rights as the firstborn to his brother, Jacob. Then Jacob gave Esau some bread and lentil stew. Esau ate the meal, then got up and left. He showed contempt for his rights as the firstborn."

Common sense is not that common. Common sense is too often something learned, after being reckless with what we have been given to begin with. This story is the story of my life. How ridiculous! Too often I was willing to trade my future for the instant gratification, of the thrill of satisfaction, right now. People who do not have common sense, do not look ahead to see what consequences may follow in the decisions they are making in the moment. It can even be something as simple as the way you dress. Living in Gunnison, I have learned that you need to think ahead when you leave the house. It is wise to dress in layers. When you leave, it may be warm, but in 30 minutes a storm could move in and you wished you had another shirt. So it is wise to take layers of clothes, that you can take off or put on. When I was young, I did not use wisdom in the way that I dressed, but it was more than just about layering.

I so wanted others to notice me. I wanted to stand out and draw others attention. It started with little things, like wearing a shirt that would gap if I bent over. I knew what I was doing. I was drawing attention, but hiding my intent by looking mostly presentable. When the opportunity would arise, then I would simply show what I wanted to, give that little invitation. The part that I was not paying attention to, was the long term affects that simple action would do to my heart. You see it starts so subconsciously, so subtle. Then as your heart gets accustomed to the feelings of being noticed, your clothing becomes more provocative and brazen. Till you do not see yourself as others see you. But, the beautiful thing is that your heart is always crying out for protection. You just may not realize that is what is happening, because instead of change, our tendency is to become defensive.

I remember one day my mother made a comment about the shirt that I was wearing. I got so hurt. I became so defensive. How dare her attack me like that. I was so wrong. She was not attacking me, she was only making an observation and I took defense. It was my heart crying out for protection. My defense was my heart begging for someone to save me from the destruction I was causing to myself. So here is what I have learned, if you immediately get hurt and get defensive when someone addresses something, it may be your heart needs healing. Instead of attacking that person, maybe we need to stop and look at what is really behind our reaction. Maybe it is your heart crying out, begging you to look ahead at what could be a devastating consequence for you in the future. You may be selling your birthright right now, for a pleasure that will only bring you regret in the long run.