Does He Love Me Still

Matthew 11:2-6, "John the Baptist, who was in prison, heard about all the things the Messiah was doing. So he sent his disciples to ask Jesus,  ^'Are you the Messiah we’ve been expecting, or should we keep looking for someone else?'
 Jesus told them, 'Go back to John and tell him what you have heard and seen—  the blind see, the lame walk, the lepers are cured, the deaf hear, the dead are raised to life, and the Good News is being preached to the poor.  And tell him, ‘God blesses those who do not turn away because of me.’”

So many times in my life I have wanted something, then waited to see if I was going to be answered.  Not really answered.  I waited to see if I was going to receive what I was asking for.  Not really asking for.  I  waited to see if I was going to get what I wanted.  Not really waited for.  I impatiently distressed over what I wanted. 

Have you ever found yourself in a situation that you found unfair?  Have you wanted something so bad that you thought were going to die if you did not get your desires fulfilled right away?  Have you ever placed your worth in those desires?  Have you ever placed God's competency in those desires?  Are you going to believe in Him only if you get your way, or can you still love Him while you wait?  Are you going to live in bondage to your situation, or are you going to live free no matter what?

I love to listen to teachings about the Jewish Jesus.  (I don't have time to read much, so I listen while I work.)  The other day I learned something new!  I LOVE LEARNING SOMETHING NEW!  I have been taught that John's question here was because he was doubting.  While this may be true, there is even more if you understand the Jewish way of questions and answers.  What John was wanting to know was, "Are you going to do for me what the scriptures say?" Isaiah 42:7, "You will free the captives from prison, releasing those who sit in dark dungeons."  Jesus quoted the entire scripture for John, but left out that one very important part.  He was not going to set John free!  John knew exact what was happening to him by the way Jesus answered him.  Now it was time for John to not get offended by Jesus' answer.  Now it was time to accept what he didn't want to hear.


For a long time I stayed away from reading the gospels.  All over the place Jesus healed the sick.  Time and time again He would say, "Your faith has healed you."   All over my bible I have written in it, begging God to heal me. While I waited, I turned away from Him.  I didn't completely turn away, I still loved Him, sought Him, prayed to Him, taught others about Him, but every time I get to the healing powers something inside me cries out to Him and I have a very hard time accepting His answer for me.  Part of it is because of my "religious" background.  I have been taught that if I do not keep on asking, I am somehow giving up.  Like not asking anymore is selling God short.  I have been taught that "healing" is all important.  While much of what I have learned is true, not all of it is correct in the answer that I know God has given to me.  And it is in His answer to me that my doubt comes into play.  It is in His answer to me that I am in danger of turning away, not from Him exactly, but in turning away from His true goodness to Me.

And why can't I accept His answer for me?  Why?  Because His answer for me is a whole lot of hard work!  I want it to be easy.  I want Him to come in and change everything for me.  I don't want to have to be different from others I see around me.  I want to live as they live, eat what they eat, drink what they drink.  I do not want to have to say "no" to something that looks so sweet.  I want to indulge.  I want to wallow in my pity and play the victim.  I want to say, "Its not fair!"  But this is not His plan.  Can I accept His plan with gratitude for what I do have?  Can I know how much He values me, even though I struggle?


Have you ever been in this situation?  Have you come to this one thing in your life, that one thing that really tells you what your true worth is in His eyes?  Now that you are there, do you doubt His love for you?  Did you ever get your answer, but not accept that answer, and in return, turn away?  It does not have to be dramatic.   It does not mean that we have to go off of the deep end and  start "sinning".  But it does mean that one part of our lives, that part that we have a hard time accepting, that part of our relationship with Him is affected.  And because of that one part, our relationship with Him is not full.  It is like when I have a hard moment with my husband, our whole marriage is not in jeopardy, I just may not snuggle up to him.  That warmth, that intimacy that I cherish so much, that one little part is affected and everything may seem the same, but on the inside I know I am holding something back.


The questions I must ask myself are these, can I love Him intimately no matter what His answer for me is?  Can I accept His answer and wait in great expectation to see what is going to come next?  Can I live free and with great joy, no matter what is to come?  Can I believe He still loves me?  What are your questions?  What are His answers? 

Utmost for His Highest The delight of despair