Intimacy in Tuth

My 41st birthday was just a couple of weeks ago. Jason took me to Ouray for a quiet get away, just the two of us. I had been feeling the need for more intimacy for quite a while. Just a couple of months before I had told him, "I don't feel very intimate with you." Looked at him and asked if he felt intimate with me? When he answered with "yes" I was baffled. How? We barely have time to talk. We talk about work. We talk about kids. We talk about facts, but for me as a woman, I need something more. I need talking about feelings. For him as a man, intimacy is doing. We work together. We "sleep" together. We are always together. So for him he feels connected.... I needed to talk! So on this drive for my birthday, I got out my little questions and began with question one. "We are going to have a great talk," I thought, "and start off this weekend trip to Ouray right so we can have some intimacy.

1. "How did you feel loved this week by me?"
His truthful, but much needed answer was not what I expected him to say... "I haven't."

And with this answer we had intimacy, just not in the direction I had envisioned. I had been so focused on me and what I wasn't getting out of Jason, out of our relationship, that I forgot to give. In my own selfishness I had forgotten that the route to true intimacy involves me stepping outside myself into his feelings and needs. As a mom, wife, coworker... I often look at all that I am doing, "Don't you see all that I give? Don't you see all of my struggling to try and give us a happy home? And in spite of my MS... Don't you see my strength, my pain, and all that I do for you?" But this question was not about me, I had asked it, and he gave me his truthful answer... about him and how he felt.

As I look back on the days leading to Easter, I must pause and ask God the truthful questions as well, and I must be willing to accept His answer...

They come to the Temple every day and seem delighted to learn all about Me. They act like a righteous nation that would never abandon the laws of its God. They ask Me to take action on their behalf, pretending they want to be near Me. ‘We have fasted before You!’ they say. ‘Why aren’t You impressed? We have been very hard on ourselves, and You don’t even notice it!’ “I will tell you why!” I respond. “It’s because you are fasting to please yourselves," Isaiah 58.

I am not so sure I am ready to hear this answer either. But I want intimacy, so I have to be able to accept the truth and sometimes that truth is not what I am expecting to hear.

There are a five questions that I asked Jason that day. Five questions that I had to be a safe place for him to give me his truth. Five questions that were going to make me get out of me and truly connect with him and what he needed. It was my birthday weekend, but this time was not about me, for true intimacy involves being able to hear Truth from them.

2. "What does your upcoming week look like?"
3. "How can I pray for you this week?"
4. "How would you feel loved and encouraged this week by me?"
5. "How would you feel pursued in sex and love this week?"

Never once did I turn the questions around and expect him to ask me these questions so I could be heard, for honestly, it wasn't about me. I needed him to feel safe in sharing truth with me. Yes, it hurt, but truth is the only way to intimacy. I wanted to focus on intimacy, not me. I need my husband to know how much I appreciate him. I need myself to see how much he does do for me, without me focusing on what I get out of it, but what we are together. What do we give together, that we could never accomplish alone? We are to help build one another up, but if we cannot take the truth, then how are we to know how to truthfully respond.

What good is fasting when you keep on fighting and quarreling? This kind of fasting will never get you anywhere with Me. You humble yourselves by going through the motions of penance, bowing your heads like reeds bending in the wind. You dress in burlap and cover yourselves with ashes. Is this what you call fasting? Do you really think this will please the Lord? “A fast for Me involves sharing your food with people who have none, giving those who are homeless a space in your home, giving clothes to those who need them, and not neglecting your own family, Isaiah 58.

Maybe fasting is to teach us how to act during real trials. Are we short? Do we only think of how we are suffering? Am I able to see past myself and what I deal with every day in order to still be intimate with my Lord by getting out and connecting with His loved ones in helping them live this life better? My husband's heart has good will toward me, my God's heart has good will toward me, but can I see past myself to see their heart's for me? It is in learning not to focus on myself and what I want out of relationships that I can find true freedom, true intimacy. Am I a safe place to hear truth? Am I willing to step out and ready to find true love?

“Then your salvation will come like the dawn, and your wounds will quickly heal. Your godliness will lead you forward, and the glory of the Lord will protect you from behind. Then when you call, the Lord will answer.‘Yes, I am here,’ He will quickly reply..." Isaiah 58.

Desert Thriving

"The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside quiet waters,
He refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for His name’s sake.
Even though I walk
through the valley of death,
I will fear no evil,
for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff,
they comfort me..." (Psalm 23)

What is the image you see as you read this?  What are your visions and expectations that run through your mind and heart? I used to see Ferdinand the bull, the children's book.  A peaceful day of laying in belly deep alfalfa with birds singing and the aroma of summer erasing every care.  This is what I used to see until I started to listening to Ray Vander Laan a man who takes you on adventures through Israel and the footsteps of Jesus. 

As Ray was watching the Bedouin people leading their sheep through the desert.  He turned and asked his guide, "What do the sheep eat? Are they rock eating sheep?"  His guide laughed and quoted the Psalm about the green pastures.  Every night a strong east wind comes through the desert bringing in moisture from the sea. With this moisture that collects behind the rocks, small sprigs of grass rise from the ground, about four inches tall. As long as the sheep stay with their shepherd they will be safe and led to their green pastures and be fed for that day.  When the sun brings heat upon the land it dries up the grass and with each new day, new grass will appear. 

"He leads me beside quiet waters," what is the vision you have here?  My vision is Mirror Lake.  Water so deep and quiet you can see every insect make its ripple as it lands upon the water.  This is not the image Ray paints for the desert water.  A wadi is a river bed that is usually dry, until it rains and floods during the rainy season.  If you do not know about the flood danger and find some still water in this bed, you may be in great danger of a flash flood, but the Bedouin people have a system that will keep their shepherds and flocks safe.  Quiet waters refer to waters that are safe and will not kill you if your shepherd is close.

We are a blessed people.  I am a very blessed woman, but I often see things through the wrong eyes.  My vision may need to be broadened. We see life from the eyes of green mountains full of green valleys.  Then when the deserts of life are upon us we seem to crumple and wilt under the heat.  I have had MS for 19 years.  It has been a journey that has taken me to places and discovering things about life and God that I probably would never have tried for without it.  I recently went on a new adventure with stem cell therapy through StemGenex.  Most of my 19 years with MS have been years in survival mode.  

For example: Tuesday nights I have LIVE with my young adults.  Before LIVE I spend most all day Tuesday reserving every bit of energy I can by sleeping most of the day.  Then Wednesday, I don't leave the house.  I'm in recovery.

Thursday I usually go up to Crested Butte and take care of our properties we have through our real estate business.  Thursday afternoon is spent in recovery. Friday is usually my laundry day where I fold most all of the clothes I have washed during the week.  Time spent on the couch folding, watching a movie, sleeping.  Life has been a time of precious energy spent and much recovery "time wasted".  

I have always thought that I was missing out on the blessings of God, but through a little different vision, actually I have been learning to follow my Shepherd to my green pastures.  I have survived this long, not without suffering and trials, but in-spite of them.  I have a joy that no one is allowed to take from me, a joy that I can only give away if I stop looking in the right direction.  I will not fear the valley of death for my God is Always with me.  I will be comforted and He has blessed me more than I ever imagined.  After my treatment I have more energy now than I ever remember. I no longer feel I am in survival mode. This is huge in my world, but it has taken much time and endurance to get here.  But this journey with my new treatment has just begun, the next nine months will reveal more and I cannot wait to take that new fresh taste. 

Son of Man, a Second Touch

Mark 8:22-37, as we begin this journey through a second look into a very similar story please read the links, so we can follow my random thoughts easier! The healings that the Christ preforms are usually instant and full. This time a second touch is needed. "Can you see anything?" Jesus asks. "Yes, I see people but they look like trees." Again Jesus touches him and asks if he can see. This time the healing was complete. Mark gives us this story as a possibility that we may need to look again. Look this time and see what we can find new and complete...

Who is Jesus the Christ? What are our expectations of Him? What do we expect to happen with our own lives by being called His followers?

Jesus asked them, "Who do you say that I am?" Peter's reply, "You are God's anointed the Liberating King.... the Messiah."

With this answer came expectations. They expected the Messiah to be a political leader, a conqueror, to set them free from their Roman oppressors. In His own explanation of Himself Jesus said much differently.

I, the "Son of Man must suffer many terrible things and be rejected by the elders, the leading priests, and the teachers of religious law. He would be killed, but three days later he would rise from the dead."

We suffer. We have trials. We have sadness and loss. Jesus came as the "Son of Man". He came to suffer with us, for us, and to conquer death that is ever trying to trap us. As the Son of Man He has demonstrated the way and we are to follow Him there.

“If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake and for the sake of the Good News, you will save it. And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul? Is anything worth more than your soul?"

Mark 14, Go to Link!

Why did all of this happen? Did the woman really understand what she was doing? Did she know that she was preparing Jesus for burial? I think she was showing Him appreciative love. She was grateful for how He had helped her. It doesn't say how He had touched her, but we know that she loved and appreciated Him.

A look at Judas... We know that Judas was part of the 12, but we know that he still had deceit in his heart. He stole from the money that he was in charge of. He didn't embrace Jesus and His teachings on love. He saw Jesus the way that most saw Him, a conqueror. I don't think that Judas really knew what He was doing. I think he believed Jesus to be the Messiah, but his understanding of what that meant was off. I think that he was trying to force his belief. He was forcing Jesus to take a stand and battle. He wanted Him to reign and defeat his enemy. When this did not turn out how he thought it should have, he felt great remorse and begged for the money to be taken back. He wished he had never been born and killed himself for what he had done. He wasn't willing to follow Jesus all the way until the end to see how things would turn out. He turned his back on life and ended it in suicide.

A look a Peter.... Peter was ready to die in battle. He was prepared to go into battle with Jesus like Strider was prepared to battle for Froto in Lord of the Rings. But Jesus wanted them to understand differently. He was battling with them by being one of them! He was the true Son of Man and He was going all the way in suffering, to death. I don't think Peter really denied Jesus, but he was confused on what he was supposed to do. He was ready to draw his sword, but he was told not to. He heard that death was coming, but didn't understand the way. His denial was said in confusion.... not in true denial, when he realized what he had actually done, he left sorrowfully. He couldn't believe the reality of his words. They were true and he had actually (in misunderstanding) denied his Lord.

What are my expectations with my Christ? I have begged and pleaded for healing for over 19 years. I now see a way through intelligent design, through stem cells that have been laying dormant for all this time, just waiting to be awoken. I am counting on this healing, a fresh start in life. But what if my healing doesn't come? What if it doesn't work the way I see? Am I going to give up on life? Am I going to commit emotional suicide? Am I going to deny my Lord, because of my confusion?

I have been on this journey too long to give up now. This is not about what I want or what I can get out of this Jesus thing. It is about my true belief in my God. Can I go with Him, even if it is through suffering unto death? Can You Come Down from the Mountain? Can I stand with Him no matter where He is taking me, no matter what my understanding may be?

My Nehemiah

We all have those moments of great appreciation that comes flooding in unannounced. They can be so overwhelming. This happened to me yesterday morning as I was sitting in my window seat reading Nehemiah. Now if you know the story of Nehemiah, your probably wondering why? Its not a story that would usually bring tears as your reading, but the flood gates were open for me. But before I tell my story, I'll catch you up with his...

Nehemiah was a man who was part of Israel's captivity years. He was cup bearer for the king who now ruled his people. He discovered that his beloved city and it's wall was still in shambles and desired to go and rebuild it. The king showed him favoritism and sent him on his way with his written blessing and men to help him. When he got there he saw that the work was great and he discovered that his opposition from others was even greater. He set up men for battle and men for rebuilding. In short, they got the enormous job completed in only 52 days.
But it wasn't until I started reading toward the end that the story started taking hold in my life. Nehemiah had left after the rebuilding, thinking that everything would be fine now that the city was back in order. When he returned he discovered that the law had not been kept, the people were not holding the Sabbath holy, and the people were once again entering into marriage with foreign women. He flipped his lid! "So I confronted them and called down curses on them. I beat some of them and pulled out their hair." (13:25)  Nehemiah freaked, for right before that the people remembered how they had turned from God and lost their way and here they were doing it again.

This ending portion, that is most often overlooked because of the building of the great wall, is the part that I could hear God talking to me most.  Just like the people who had rehearsed their story of their past and had seen how faithful God had always been (9), and vowed to live differently (10:30ff), now it was my turn to see.  

My mom, she has always been there fighting for me.  She saw the death sentence in front of me when I was diagnosed with MS.  She was a RN, and had many MS patients.  She knew what I had to look forward to.  

Now this brings me to my first example.  I was about 21 and I had just been diagnosed.  In this time, I had turned my back on God and had decided to "live".  A friend and I had gone outside during the middle of the night to smoke.  My mom caught us after we were washing our hands to get the smoke smell off.  My mom freaked out!  She grabbed me and pushed me up against the wall yelling at me in hysterics over smoking a cigarette. 

My next example: after my family had done their intervention and taken me out of my first marriage, I immediately was in another relationship with my current husband (a whole other story for another time).  Jason and I were at my grandmother's house laying on a bed talking.  Nothing was going on, but my mom again freaked.  She called me into the bathroom where she started to scold me harshly.

These are just two examples that come into my memory, but trust me, there are many.  I had always seen my mom as way out of line, over bearing, in my space, trying to control every aspect of my life.  As I was reading Nehemiah I started seeing differently.  My mom could see where I had been and she knew its the small steps that take you to great destruction.  It is also the small every day steps that can bring you to great repair.  I have been in a battle for 19 years. During this time, I have been the people who would do well while others are there helping, but as soon as the leader is away, things start to go back the way they were.  I forget the promises I have made and start living as I see others live around me.  I choose life!  I have always chosen life, its just that, now I can see what truly brings me life.  I have to do the small things now so that I will be able to enjoy this life tomorrow.  My mom is my Nehemiah! She has always been the one with the vision.  She has always been the one doing the research and finding the right healing path for me at that time in my life. She was a RN, so we did the shots for MS.  Then she became an acupuncturist and herbalist, so I did Chinese medicine.  Then she discovered Doug Kaufmann's diet Know the Cause.  Now we are venturing into adult stem cell treatments Stem Genex.  All of which has been my mother's stead fast obedience and building even when no hope, no life, no appreciation could be seen.  My mom is my Nehemiah and I can't thank her enough for her diligence in my life.

Do you have a Nehemiah in your life?  Have you thanked them for all of their hard work?  Have you let them know that it was their constancy that kept you going? Are you Nehemiah for someone? If you have that vision, don't give up. It has been 19 years for my mom to truly be appreciated.  But the tears flow in gratitude for her seeing faithfulness that has kept me walking step by (back) step along this journey.  Thank you Mom for never giving up, even when I had...

I LOVE YOU  

Adult Stem Cell

I have been accepted to participate in Adult Stem Cell study.  I wanted to give you the web site of the place that I will be going to for this treatment.

Where you find intelligent design, you find an Intelligent Designer!

Stem Genex (stem cell studies)

May God be blessed and Glorified through this whole process.....

Miraculous Healing

I have so many unanswered questions. I am always considering the ways of God and trying to know Him more. I love to watch people and try to relate to them. I wonder where they come from and what has happened in their lives to bring them to this point in life. I watch nature and try to connect with the great and beautiful gift of the wild. I watch. I listen. I learn and love all things created and give glory to the Christ who is the Great Creator. But this is where I get stumped the most, just when I think I understand more, the more I find I am at a loss for words. So this writing is in admittance that I do not know, but something that I am trying to learn. A pondering of the many why's, how's, when's, and what if's that go through my mind.

Why do I not see the miraculous healings in this land of America that I hear about in other countries? (I believe they happen, but I haven't seen them personally.) I have heard all about so many wonderful, miraculous things and yet here I am turning to science and Dr's. Now don't get me wrong. I've had some amazing recovery myself and I thank God for each and every blessed day. But what is holding us back? What is holding me back from receiving the miracle of healing that I know is available from a most powerful God. Is it all about me? Am I not just part of the elect, but part of the elite? Did Christ come for a few or for the world? Where do I sit this morning as I battle for my life? I am in great anticipation as I look at what lies ahead and in no way do I want to boast before the battle is won, but my soul is searching for those unanswered questions that are ever present.

"As Jesus was walking along, he saw a man who had been blind from birth. 'Rabbi,' his disciples asked him, 'why was this man born blind? Was it because of his own sins or his parents’ sins?'
'It was not because of his sins or his parents’ sins,' Jesus answered. 'This happened so the power of God could be seen in him. We must quickly carry out the tasks assigned us by the one who sent us. The night is coming, and then no one can work. But while I am here in the world, I am the light of the world.'” (John 9)

This happened so the power of God could be seen through him, but what if in our culture no one would see that power because of our over loaded hyper active culture. What if the healings would bring no credit to God? What if He just loves everyone and is calling everyone to heath and healing? (Not just the Elite!) What if part of my journey is for science to show that He is the Intelligent Designer and that through science, science is ever discovering His intelligent design.

Stem Cell research boggles my mind. We have within us these little cells that are made just for the repair of our bodies. They intelligently go out in search of what is hurting and they adapt to it and repair it. Amazing! That is a miracle within each and every one of us. Another interesting discovery is that when science tried to make an excuse for abortion and used the stem cells of these babies (Embryonic Stem Cell), many times they did not repair, but caused cancer. It is not in the taking of life, but in the giving of life and that life is in each and every one of us individually. We are the temple of the Most High God. If He loves the world, then why wouldn't He try and show Himself to everyone and not just the few!

I know that He came to me before I was "good". He showed me His love before I was ready to give up my life for Him. Am I so important that I cannot be a part of the healing in so many others lives who do not yet know Him. When I think of it that way, it takes the sting out of my heart. I am not part of the elite, but the elect. That elect is something offered to the whole world, not just the elite. So here I go on a very important part of my journey with MS, I have been accepted to be part of an Adult Stem Cell Research where they will take my own cells and place them back in me so that repair can start. I may not get a whole healing, but I can be part of something bigger and that will help the whole world see His power, His Intelligent Design, within each and every one of us. And that is worth it!

MY UTMOST FOR HIS HIGHEST

Until the whole world Hears!

Hope for Tomorrow

I've been sitting here this morning looking out my window into a world that often has brought me such pain, but this morning I have a new breath. I realize that I have a new hope. Not that I live in despair, but in the ever present reality of my MS. I've struggled, fought, scummed to, battled, and learned more than I really ever wanted to know about myself over these past 19 years. In my mind, my debilitating disease is ever present. Every time someone even mentions doing any kind of physical exercise, my mind goes to fear of, "what would I have to suffer if I did the same." My tears are always right behind the surface, in lament of the unknown. I have lamented more over my affliction than I really ever care to admit. Through the hope of this new day I can better see my hearts cry and my hearts healing.

Yesterday, my mom (She is my ever present warrior who is always searching for me when I am ever ready to give up!) called me and encouraged me to look at a web site on Stem Cell Therapy. I did and immediately filled out the candidate application form. I have no idea if I will even be selected, but my affliction and what I have learned through my suffering is worth sharing.

Paul wrote Philippians while he was in prison. It is often referred to as the book of joy and of rejoicing, but how can there be great joy while you are being held captive in chains that keep your hands from moving freely as you wish? Paul received his joy through the lives of others, the obedience demonstrated to him through Christ, and the hope for the future. 
You see today another shackle has been removed. Not that anything has changed, but I can see a little better about what has bound me. I live in fear. While trying to encourage others, I have a fear that is stopping me from moving forward and embracing the life to come. You see, when I think of the future, I don't really think of life, but of death, and how I am not going to be able to do things. While on one hand, this has pushed me to live more for today, but this has stopped me from being able to prepare for tomorrow with full hope and joyful expectation. I embrace today, but my tomorrows hold me captive. I live through the joyful expectations through others lives. I rejoice when I see my friends find faith and freedom through Christ. I can see their futures bright in front of them as they learn to walk through life without those ties that have bound them. I am ever encouraged, like Paul, when I see that through my life others have been led to a more abundant life in Christ. "I pray that your love will overflow more and more, and that you will keep on growing in knowledge and understanding. For I want you to understand what really matters, so that you may live pure and blameless lives until the day of Christ’s return. May you always be filled with the fruit of your salvation—the righteous character produced in your life by Jesus Christ—for this will bring much glory and praise to God." (Philippians 1:9-11)

I too, want to see what really matters.  What will bring me joy in the hopes of tomorrow? Is it that I am selected to have the stem cell treatment and that it works? Or is it that I can rejoice in my tomorrows even through the uncertainty of the unknown? I want to work with my husband, so I have been studying for my real estate exam, but my imprisonment has always held me back from fully embracing that future life. 
I thank God that I have sought Him and this relationship even through my bondage. I do not lament about the lessons that I have learned about myself during my imprisonment. Just here recently, I have discovered a new taste for life. I have always wanted to live a life of indulgence with food. I know a pretty pathetic example, but it is where I am. I just now embraced what is truly healthy for me. After a lifetime of indulgence and gluttony I have finally found freedom in taking care of me. "I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us." (3:12-14)

I can breathe a new breath this morning. Perseverance to grab hold of a future that has always been before me, but that I never dreamed I could grasp. It doesn't mean that everything will go accordingly as I hope, but I can at least find freedom in the future through that hope that has never really left me, but was just hidden because of the chains that weighed me down. Nothing has changed, only my perspective on life has been affected. What has bound you to this world? Is it your own self-centered view, like mine, that has kept you from embracing the hopes for the future? Are we so tied up within our own struggles that we cannot embrace others and find the true joy in their accomplishments? Can we see the ever preset lesson that we are the temple of the Most High God? Do we embrace that lesson with joy, or lament? Today, I can thank my God for the memories of yesterday and the hope for tomorrow.

"Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done." Rejoice, Rejoice!  We really never know what tomorrow may bring.... So we may as well Rejoice in great expectation for a bright future with Christ, instead of lamenting when in reality we don't know anyways...

Bounds Burned by Fire

What are the ties that bind? What is it that traps us into thinking there is no other way? What is it that keeps us as a prisoner in our own little worlds?

In the book of Daniel we find the people overcome and taken prisoner. During this time of fear and chaos, God is still present and working. He is working to bring His people back to himself and to restore their hearts for Him. Daniel, Meshack, Shadrach, and Abendego are some of the remnants found that have not lost sight of God. They have been taken into King Nebuchadnezzar's palace where they would be taught the local customs and trained in their new ways. In their attempts to keep focus and to not be totally consumed with their imprisonment, they keep hold of their dietary requirements and ask to be excused from the kings lavish meals. This sets them up for success. Several years later the king builds a statue, a god to himself and commands that all shall bow down and worship. Daniel's three friends found themselves before the statue, but refused to bow to another god. This infuriated the king and he ordered them to be thrown into the furnace. "If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is able to save us. He will rescue us from your power, Your Majesty. But even if He doesn’t, we want to make it clear to you, Your Majesty, that we will never serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up,” (3:17).
In a furious rage Nebuchadnezzar had the three men bound and threw into a blazing hot furnace. But, something amazing happened. When the king looked into the fire, he saw not three, but four men walking around. He called them to come out and examined the three men. The only things that were burned were their bonds. Not a hair was singed. Their clothes were not scorched, and they didn't even smell of smoke. (Daniel 1-4, what I have written does not encompass the whole of the story. Please read it for yourself.)

When we are faced with our own fire, there are three scenarios that can be taken from this story of old. Three scenarios that I wrote down years ago while listening to Beth Moore that I would like to share. Old lessons that are still teaching me new each day...
First, many times we are delivered from the fire and our faith is built. We may see an approaching disaster coming in our life and we are completely delivered. We may have the vision to see and we can learn what we need to without having to go through the hard times. Our faith is strengthened without the furnace. I know so many people who never even came close to the life that I once had, but yet they have maintained a very strong relationship with God. Their purity has kept them strong and their devotion seems to have never wavered. They were delivered from the fire.

Second, we are delivered through the fire. This is my example. I seem to have to learn the hard way. My most recent episode with God has been my MS. Of coarse, this is not a short term event (almost 19 years). This has been a lesson that has continually bound me in my own prison. Food, I can relate with this part of the story very well. In order to be able to function, I must eat a very strict diet. I loathed this for years. Every time I would see someone enjoy a bowl of ice cream, really any desert, anything with gluten, corn, potatoes, beans.... lets just say FOOD, I would throw myself a pitty party. I am supposed to keep a very tight reign on what is allowed to enter my body. If I don't, I find myself bound in a prison. My body just wont work. My legs no longer carry me. My hands no longer feed me. I discover I am bound by unseen chains that try and destroy me.

I begged God for years to heal me. I wanted my chains removed and I wanted to be able to live as others around me. I wanted to join the culture. Well, Thanksgiving my prayers were answered in a most unusual way. I Lost My Ability to TASTE! No joke, my taste buds were affected. Now this is what I have discovered. I can taste only what I am supposed to eat, everything else has lost its flavor. For example, my family recently went on a cruise, which I loved. During this time I tested my diet restrictions based upon what tasted good. I got desserts every night, but didn't really enjoy them. One of my all time favorites has been white chocolate. I got my white chocolate mouse ready to indulge, only to discover that I could taste nothing but the berries that were placed on top and that lined the bottom. My diet has not changed, but my hearts desire has.

Third, we may be delivered by the fire into His arms. I am not one that sugar coats anything. Sometimes, we are taken from this life into His arms through death. He is the author of life and He can choose to deliver us into His arms into an everlasting life, that through His resurrected life we are guaranteed to never see trials again. Often, it is not for the deceased to learn something, but for those left behind. Now is the time to ask, what are we to learn from this? Are we enjoying the life He has blessed us with? Are we living each day to the fullness of life offered? Or are we harboring a bitterness that has soured our enjoyment of life offered to us, all because we are unwilling to understand that each person here is a direct representation for us of the gifts we do have?

I am in great admiration of those who live their life gallantly for their Lord. We all know them, the ones who stand out during great fires, but seem to never loose their faith. Those that encourage us to live this life to the full, they are my hero's. Can you see your blessings through the fire? After you have been through the fire, do you understand that you are not singed and that you do not even smell of smoke? Who are your hero's? Are you a hero for others?

Are you Listening to God?

Are you being delivered from the fire, through the fire, or by the fire?

Hearts True Agenda

The other day I read a post that a friend of mine posted on FB. "Do we need to be part of the 4-walled church? Explain." With that my week of thinking, searching, listening started. My travels did not take me where I was expecting to go. My first turn was what directed my search. My first turn ended up bringing me full circle in the end.

Ravi Zacharias, "Lotus and the Cross" a conversation between Jesus and Buddha. In this book there are several characters and as you read, the conversation takes you on a trip through life questions. A very good read I must say... Anyway, toward the end of this book Jesus is answering a heart question and this is where I paused. Their was a Samaritan woman who came to draw water in a well where Jesus was resting. He started to dialog with her, which was her first red flag, Jews never talked to Samaritans. “Go and get your husband,” Jesus told her. “I don’t have a husband,” the woman replied. Jesus said, “You’re right! You don’t have a husband— for you have had five husbands, and you aren’t even married to the man you’re living with now. You certainly spoke the truth!”

Another turn. I opened my bible to John 4 and camped there for a while. What was the heart question? What was the answer?

“Sir,” the woman said, “you must be a prophet. So tell me, why is it that you Jews insist that Jerusalem is the only place of worship, while we Samaritans claim it is here at Mount Gerizim, where our ancestors worshiped?”

The question was positioned in a specific place, but was this her real question or was it something different that I had never noticed before? So many questions, yet what was the real question that only Jesus could see? What was it that made her run and tell everyone that she had found the King? What was it that she was trying to divert His attention away from, yet couldn't?

"But the time is coming—indeed it’s here now—when true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and in truth. The Father is looking for those who will worship him that way. For God is Spirit, so those who worship him must worship in spirit and in truth.”

I have always missed this answer, for I was looking at it for an answer. This is where I landed and this is what opened my own heart to my own questions and when I ask them. In the mix of His answer, He called her heart out..."true worshipers", "spirit and in truth".... her question wasn't sincere, but a diversion. He had shown a spotlight on who she had become and it hurt. With that pain, she tried to take the focus off of herself and redirect Jesus' mind to concentrate on what others concentrated on, how to worship. But this wasn't sincere at all! Her heart, her pain had been exposed and anything that she could grab to take focus off of her was her goal. She was talking to no fool. There was a deeper issue. What was this issue, we will never know for the conversation was interrupted, but she had had enough to know that this One was different.

With courage from her heart being exposed, she went and shared His story, through her story, with the rest of the village and all of her surroundings were transformed. "Many Samaritans from the village believed in Jesus because the woman had said, 'He told me everything I ever did!' When they came out to see Him, they begged Him to stay in their village. So He stayed for two days, long enough for many more to hear His message and believe. Then they said to the woman, “Now we believe, not just because of what you told us, but because we have heard Him ourselves. Now we know that He is indeed the Savior of the world.”

So many times throughout this life we come upon questions that are not really questions at all, but diversions to get the focus off of us and on a topic instead. I am the master of this. If I start to get pressured into telling others how my health is holding up (or failing) I divert the conversation away from me and change topics! I don't want to talk about this, it is work, I struggle with doing what I need to do in order to live and I divert the topic away from health... Every time! I am not saying this is what my friend did on FB, but it did bring me to a very important conclusion. What is it that we often are trying to hide from others? What is it that we do not want to see ourselves? What is it that God is trying to get us to look at within our own hearts that we keep trying to look away from? Are we asking questions in truth, or is there an underlying agenda we are seeking? Are we brave enough to allow Him to expose our hearts, so that we can heal?

Cannabis Bliss, Truth and Lies

Romans 12:2, "Do not allow this world to mold you in its own image. Instead, be transformed from the inside out by renewing your mind." (The Voice Translation)

The other day I went into my favorite gas/burger joint. It is popular with many, mainly the college crowed. I walked in and ordered my families meal. While waiting for our take out, I decided to do a little reading. There is a magazine rack that blocks most other people from your view. This was perfect since I was in my polka dot fluffy sweat pants, an old t-shirt and the place was packed. As all of you know Marijuana is legal in Colorado. The magazine rack was 2/3rds full of magazines like High Times, Skunk, Cannabis Culture, but I landed on Treat Yourself. They were featuring an article on MS and Cannabis. I took the magazine, grabbed a chair, hid behind the rack and began reading. The article was very informative as it discussed how MS affects you neurologically and I was agreeing with everything, especially how vitamin D helps heal you. Then as the patient began talking about Cannabis, I began going "there". I love weed! I love to get high and allow myself to zone out. Throughout my drug years, I found nothing I liked more than marijuana.  X, ACID, popping whatever pills anyone gave me, the one I enjoyed most was this green herb.

I was lost for a moment in the "I have what it takes to really get me some again. And really who is going to challenge me on this one. I have all the material sitting right in front of me to help me with my case!" Then I rounded the corner to the last paragraph of the article and quickly I snapped back to reality. The "patient" began talking about how Cannabis helps him with his moods. How without it he is naturally cranky because of his condition, and this helps him better cope so that he can be a more productive family member and cannabis helps him enjoy all of them more. With that the lie was revealed! I have walked this pathway before and I know what marijuana does to you emotionally. That is the side effect that he did not understand why people don't talk about more often, because in his fog, he does not see that it is actually the weed that makes you a miserable wreck when you don't have it. If you are ever around a pot smoker, you will see that they are extremely touchy unless they are high. It does not help them get their natural emotions under control. It actually causes them to become more sensitive and the withdraws from not being high causes them to be, well, impossible.

Mixed with some truth, there was a lie. Being able to decipher truth from the lie that was told takes knowledge. With me it happens to be personal experience, in this case, I am not saying to try! Now I do not want to take all the time in the world to tell you all about the side effects and all that happens with marijuana. This topic really isn't about weed and I am not trying to pick a fight with a bunch of pot heads. I am saying that we all need to be aware when we are letting ourselves go "there". We can so easily be swept away with the truth of a subject, then when the truth gets mixed with lies, we just may believe them too. "Do not allow this world to mold you in its own image. Instead, be transformed from the inside out by renewing your mind."

We all have something that lures us into wanting to justify what we want. We have those moments of justification, all because we wanted to act that way or do that thing, whatever it is. There s something that entices us to treat others poorly, because "we were hurt." We need to disappear in front of the TV and ignore our families (every day/all night) because "we have had a long day and we need a break." The hard part is deciphering the truth. What is it that I am giving up in order to this thing? Who is not getting my full love? Who am I really?

"Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good.  Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.  Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically.  Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying.  When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality," (12:9-13).

As we walk through the day there are going to be many things that seem right to us in the moment.  If we will keep a clear mind and truly look at what we hear, we will be able to see the truth.  Not all lies are easily seen, because they are mixed with truth.  If there wasn't some form of truth mixed in, no one would believe the lie.  God calls us to use our minds.  He does not want us walking around like zombies just going with the flow of the moment.  He calls us to be intellectual, using well what He has gifted us with.  The hard part is taking a really close look within our own hearts and seeing the truth about what we want and are giving up in order to get it.  I do not want to give up true intimacy with my family in order to have what I desire.  If I will keep a clear mind, I will be able to do what my heart truly seeks.  I will be able to have relationships that last and I will be a positive influence on others around me.... And if I will take a truthful look into my true hearts desire, that is what I truly want.  I do not want to settle for something that will leave my heart impotent, but full!  

The Right Feet

So often I have been having some kind of struggle and asked God to save me from the hurt.  So often I have begged Him to come and rescue me and to change my circumstances.  So often I find myself in want and feeling slighted.  What has happened to the God that so many of us have been taught about?  Or should I change that question to, What has happened to us?  We have taken the bible and read and learned from it through the wrong eyes.  We read it out of context.  We read it through our eyes, living in a country of plenty.  We are a weak people.  We want our quick fixes, our instant food and our immediate pleasures.   So when we ask God for help we are asking Santa Clause, because that is who we know.  What would happen if we started looking at Him through the correct eyes?  How would we see Him if we learned more about the culture and landscape of their time? 

I love to learn.  One of my teachers is Ray Vander Laan www.followtherabbi.com/ In many of his teachings he talks about the arid conditions of the dessert and how tough it is being there.   So for time and space consideration I will only talk about one example.  (This is from Ray's teaching mixed with my own personal story.)  Shall we begin...

In Psalm 18, David is describing his God and his relationship with Him, "It is God who arms me with strength  and keeps my way secure.  He makes my feet like the feet of a deer, enabling me to stand on mountain heights." David does not ask for God to change his circumstances, but tells us that God gives him the right kind of feet to so that he can balance.  Have you ever watched mountain goats as they leap from cliff to cliff.  God has not given them an easy path.  He has given them a place to live where most of us would fall to our death, but the mountain goat does not slip away.  He has the right kind of feet.  His feet were made for this environment.  He can run and jump with ease.  This is the kind of deer that David was watching.  He knows his God and he understands that God can provide for us the right kind of feet to travel the path that He has placed us in.  If God allows you to go through it, He will give you  the right kind of feet to help you balance and move freely.


My grandmother was a woman whom God equipped to live in the dessert of life.  She was a simple woman who loved her family and loved to cook.  Her home always smelled of fresh baked cookies and pies.  Before you would open the door the sweet aroma would already be over taking you.  Her kitchen was small and well used.  This is where she would bake for us her love.  This is where you could taste her delight.  She was a woman who had an enticing smile and would serve you her warmest love of her amazing God.  She was a woman who had the right kind of feet to walk the path of pure example for all of us.  She was a woman who knew her Savior and loved her Lord.  Now I say that God gave her the right kind of feet, but there is something very important that you must understand.  She was a woman who endured 44 surgeries! She was a sweet woman who showed God's love to all of those who came into her home and her hospital room.  While she was in her hospital room she would ask for her hair to be fixed and her blush and lipstick to be applied.  (She didn't want to look sick!)  In her home you would walk into her home with the sweet smell of cookies.  In her hospital you would walk into her room with the sweet sound of her gospel music.  


After one of her surgeries the doctors sent her home with her feet wrapped in bandages, with pins that were sticking out 1-2 inches from her toes.  The pins were going all the way through her feet, yet her home still had the smell of those delicious cookies.  I watched her wheel her chair into the kitchen with her feet sticking out, careful to not bump anything in shear fear of the pain that would ensue if she did.  In her pain, in her discomfort she made us those delicious cookies.  I watched her as she placed her heals onto the floor so that she could stand and retrieve that... I watched her smile, sing and cook in the midst of her suffering.  She lived out her love for her God and her family.  She had the joy of the Lord and praised Him even though...


Philippians, the book of joy written by Paul while he was in prison.  He had joy even though.  He knew his calling and rejoiced while he walked with God through his suffering.  "And I want you to know, my dear brothers and sisters, that everything that has happened to me here has helped to spread the Good News.  For everyone here, including the whole palace guard,  knows that I am in chains because of Christ.  And because of my imprisonment, most of the believers here have gained confidence and boldly speak God’s message without fear."


My grandmother was a woman who showed her love for God wherever this life took her.  Others were feed her sweet love for her Lord and they were touched by how she danced through her struggles.  She did not pretend everything was fine.  She hurt and she cried, but she loved her God through it all.  She had a peace with her.  She had the joy of the Lord.  It is not about happiness.  It is not about changing the path, so that we will have a flat easy walk.  It is about giving us the right feet to balance upon the rocks.  It is about our hearts and what we expect.  I pray that God gives me a heart for Him today.  I pray He allows me to walk along the cliffs of my life with the right feet, no matter how they look.  Please God allow me to see that whatever mountain path I find myself in today, help me to have the right feet that will allow others to see you working through the pain.  "Experience the joy of your faith."

Does He Love Me Still

Matthew 11:2-6, "John the Baptist, who was in prison, heard about all the things the Messiah was doing. So he sent his disciples to ask Jesus,  ^'Are you the Messiah we’ve been expecting, or should we keep looking for someone else?'
 Jesus told them, 'Go back to John and tell him what you have heard and seen—  the blind see, the lame walk, the lepers are cured, the deaf hear, the dead are raised to life, and the Good News is being preached to the poor.  And tell him, ‘God blesses those who do not turn away because of me.’”

So many times in my life I have wanted something, then waited to see if I was going to be answered.  Not really answered.  I waited to see if I was going to receive what I was asking for.  Not really asking for.  I  waited to see if I was going to get what I wanted.  Not really waited for.  I impatiently distressed over what I wanted. 

Have you ever found yourself in a situation that you found unfair?  Have you wanted something so bad that you thought were going to die if you did not get your desires fulfilled right away?  Have you ever placed your worth in those desires?  Have you ever placed God's competency in those desires?  Are you going to believe in Him only if you get your way, or can you still love Him while you wait?  Are you going to live in bondage to your situation, or are you going to live free no matter what?

I love to listen to teachings about the Jewish Jesus.  (I don't have time to read much, so I listen while I work.)  The other day I learned something new!  I LOVE LEARNING SOMETHING NEW!  I have been taught that John's question here was because he was doubting.  While this may be true, there is even more if you understand the Jewish way of questions and answers.  What John was wanting to know was, "Are you going to do for me what the scriptures say?" Isaiah 42:7, "You will free the captives from prison, releasing those who sit in dark dungeons."  Jesus quoted the entire scripture for John, but left out that one very important part.  He was not going to set John free!  John knew exact what was happening to him by the way Jesus answered him.  Now it was time for John to not get offended by Jesus' answer.  Now it was time to accept what he didn't want to hear.


For a long time I stayed away from reading the gospels.  All over the place Jesus healed the sick.  Time and time again He would say, "Your faith has healed you."   All over my bible I have written in it, begging God to heal me. While I waited, I turned away from Him.  I didn't completely turn away, I still loved Him, sought Him, prayed to Him, taught others about Him, but every time I get to the healing powers something inside me cries out to Him and I have a very hard time accepting His answer for me.  Part of it is because of my "religious" background.  I have been taught that if I do not keep on asking, I am somehow giving up.  Like not asking anymore is selling God short.  I have been taught that "healing" is all important.  While much of what I have learned is true, not all of it is correct in the answer that I know God has given to me.  And it is in His answer to me that my doubt comes into play.  It is in His answer to me that I am in danger of turning away, not from Him exactly, but in turning away from His true goodness to Me.

And why can't I accept His answer for me?  Why?  Because His answer for me is a whole lot of hard work!  I want it to be easy.  I want Him to come in and change everything for me.  I don't want to have to be different from others I see around me.  I want to live as they live, eat what they eat, drink what they drink.  I do not want to have to say "no" to something that looks so sweet.  I want to indulge.  I want to wallow in my pity and play the victim.  I want to say, "Its not fair!"  But this is not His plan.  Can I accept His plan with gratitude for what I do have?  Can I know how much He values me, even though I struggle?


Have you ever been in this situation?  Have you come to this one thing in your life, that one thing that really tells you what your true worth is in His eyes?  Now that you are there, do you doubt His love for you?  Did you ever get your answer, but not accept that answer, and in return, turn away?  It does not have to be dramatic.   It does not mean that we have to go off of the deep end and  start "sinning".  But it does mean that one part of our lives, that part that we have a hard time accepting, that part of our relationship with Him is affected.  And because of that one part, our relationship with Him is not full.  It is like when I have a hard moment with my husband, our whole marriage is not in jeopardy, I just may not snuggle up to him.  That warmth, that intimacy that I cherish so much, that one little part is affected and everything may seem the same, but on the inside I know I am holding something back.


The questions I must ask myself are these, can I love Him intimately no matter what His answer for me is?  Can I accept His answer and wait in great expectation to see what is going to come next?  Can I live free and with great joy, no matter what is to come?  Can I believe He still loves me?  What are your questions?  What are His answers? 

Utmost for His Highest The delight of despair 

To My Sweet Daunsie

2 Kings 20:1-6, "In those days Hezekiah became ill and was at the point of death. The prophet Isaiah son of Amoz went to him and said, 'This is what the LORD says: Put your house in order, because you are going to die; you will not recover.' Hezekiah turned his face to the wall and prayed to the LORD, 'Remember, LORD, how I have walked before you faithfully and with wholehearted devotion and have done what is good in your eyes.' And Hezekiah wept bitterly. Before Isaiah had left the middle court, the word of the LORD came to him: 'Go back and tell Hezekiah, the ruler of my people, ‘This is what the LORD, the God of your father David, says: I have heard your prayer and seen your tears; I will heal you. On the third day from now you will go up to the temple of the LORD. I will add fifteen years to your life.'"

To my sweet Daunsie,
I want you to know the good that you have done. I want to tell you how much I love you. As I sat by your bed this weekend, I just could not get out the words that were burning within my heart. Every time that I have ever been with you I have felt like a student at the feet of her teacher. You have loved me with a love of a mother, my entire life. You have gotten in my face, in my space, and been the bossiest woman I have ever known. You are demanding and you speak what is on your mind, no matter what. This I love. I love it because I know you love me. I have always known you love me, because you are so intense with me. I want to thank you for showing me how to love with such passion and enthusiasm.

I so wish that I could have come to more SOS's. I wanted to, so badly, but the 1000 miles between us kept getting in my way! Those young women were blessed more than you will ever know. I know this, for look how much you blessed me. You have done your job very well. You have taken the gifts that you were given and you stretched yourself enough to teach others. Not many women are willing to lay aside their own insecurities and their own wants, in order to step out and help those younger than they are. I think they believe the lies that Satan is feeding them; that they have nothing to share and no one to teach. You did not do this, and I cannot thank you enough.

As I knelt beside you this weekend, I couldn't help but want to draw closer, so I could hear you better. I will stand with you in prayer. Now is the time for those you have loved to stand with you and hold you up to God. Now is the time for us to be strong with you. We will stand by you and pray Hezekiah's prayer with you.

"Remember, LORD, how 'Daun' has walked before you faithfully and with wholehearted devotion and has done what is good in your eyes."

"Why did Abraham stop praying when he did? He stopped because he still was lacking the level of intimacy in his relationship with God, which would enable him boldly to continue on with the Lord in prayer until his desire was granted. Whenever we stop short of our true desire in prayer and say, “Well, I don’t know, maybe this is not God’s will,” then we still have another level to go. It shows that we are not as intimately acquainted with God as Jesus was, and as Jesus would have us to be—“ (Oswald Chambers)

When we start to think that anything is too big for God, we must remember that nothing is too big. We stand with you, Daun, in prayer to our God. We ask Him to heal you and to restore you, to your health. We ask Him to give you fifteen more years, so that you can continue to teach those younger than you. Stay strong, sweet woman. Fight against the illness and do what you have to, in order to allow your body to become healthier. Fight against the nausea and eat, even though you do not feel like eating. Drink even though you do not feel like drinking. You do your part and we will do ours. Be strong, my sweet friend, I LOVE YOU....

Offended by God

Matthew 11:1-6, "John the Baptist, who was in prison, heard about all the things the Messiah was doing. So he sent his disciples to ask Jesus, 'Are you the Messiah we’ve been expecting, or should we keep looking for someone else?' Jesus told them, 'Go back to John and tell him what you have heard and seen— the blind see, the lame walk, the lepers are cured, the deaf hear, the dead are raised to life, and the Good News is being preached to the poor. And tell him, ‘God blesses those who are not offended by me.'"

It is amazing to me, how God talks to me about certain things, only when I am ready to hear. I am learning new every day. He is gentle and patient and He knows that if He told me everything right away, it would be too much for me. Part of my weekly study is to listen to Beth Moore on line. Recently she has been doing a study on John the Baptist. At first I thought, "Okay, a kind of history lesson. I know about John, but maybe I need to have a reminder." This is not what happened at all. When she got to this verse my heart became heavy, I realised that Jesus was talking to me, when He spoke to John. As Beth described it, John knew who Christ was. He had baptised Him, and he had seen the Holy Spirit land on His shoulders, and he had heard God speak and say this was His son. He knew and his joy was complete with this realisation.

John did not have doubts about who Jesus was. He knew who He was! John was now in prison. He was suffering and asking Jesus, "Are You going to rescue me? Why am I suffering right now? You can just say the word and I would be free." John was offended that Jesus was not rescuing him out of his circumstance. That is why Jesus added, "God blesses those who are not offended by me." He knew his heart and He knew what John was really asking.

God keeps my past close to my memory, for He refers to it often as He is speaking to me. About a year ago, I was suffering. Several years earlier, I had memorised the book of James, and I took this verse to Pastor Steve, "Are any of you sick? You should call for the elders of the church to come and pray over you, anointing you with oil in the name of the Lord. Such a prayer offered in faith will heal the sick, and the Lord will make you well." I was sick. I needed healing. I called on the church. We met together. I was anointed in oil. Our prayers were offered in faith, but I was not healed.

As I listened to Beth, as I studied these passages that week, I could hear God speaking, "You were offended by Me when you thought I was not healing you. You blamed Me for your disease. You see now that I needed you to learn more about who you were and who I Am, but you are still carrying that offence and you need to forgive Me."

Ouch! That one is hard. I was offended at God. He was supposed to heal me. We did our part, where was He? It was not right that I was having to ask Eric, my oldest son who was six, to help me button my shirt because I could not do it myself. It was not fair that I could not even do the dishes, because I was dropping all of them and breaking them. It was not fair that I was sleeping all of the time, because I did not even have enough energy to sit and read to my babies. It was not fair and He could heal me, but wouldn't! I was offended, but I didn't know it until He took my memory back and showed me.

I have learned so many lessons since that time. I have learned how to love myself and take better care of myself. I have learned how to rely more on God and how to have more self control. All things that I would have never learned had He healed me and given me what I wanted in a nice little package. I am thankful that He did not heal me right away, but He needed me to see that I was still carrying that offence. He spoke to me through Beth's lesson. He speaks to me through His word. He speaks to me through my memory of my past. He speaks to me through some of my hardest times. I know who He is and I had been offended, because of who He is. I needed to forgive Him. I needed to see that when it seems He is not answering my prayer the way I think it needs to be answered, He is trying to show me more. I have to remember that He is Love. He is all knowing and He knows what I need more than I do. He is not, just not answering my prayers. He knows I need to learn more. What is it that He is trying to help me see? If I will wait with Him, and not take offence, what is it that He is trying to teach me? Can I hear Him speak? Am I willing to listen?

Oswald Chambers, "Am I therefore justified in being dejected and in blaming God? Whenever we insist that God should give us an answer to prayer we are off track. The purpose of prayer is that we get ahold of God, not of the answer. It is impossible to be well physically and to be dejected, because dejection is a sign of sickness. This is also true spiritually. Dejection spiritually is wrong, and we are always to blame for it."

Writing on the Wall, New Year Resolutions

Daniel 5:3-6, "So they brought in the gold goblets that had been taken from the temple of God in Jerusalem, and the king and his nobles, his wives and his concubines drank from them. As they drank the wine, they praised the gods of gold and silver, of bronze, iron, wood and stone. Suddenly the fingers of a human hand appeared and wrote on the plaster of the wall, near the lamp stand in the royal palace. The king watched the hand as it wrote. His face turned pale and he was so frightened that his legs became weak and his knees were knocking."

The writing on the walls of our lives, that is why we make New Year resolutions. We see something in ourselves and we become determined to change the coarse that we have been taking. We see the writing on the wall, but all too often we are not convinced and our hearts do not change.

Not too long ago, I went to the doctor and checked my blood to see how it was doing. It was not good. My blood cells were stressed, there was toxins and yeast, and nothing was moving as it should. I was convicted and found that my sin, my idol, was gluttony,(blog titled, "New Life/Freedom Living" 6-24-10). I knew the coarse that I needed to take in order to have good health. And so, for about six months I did really good. I was diligent and not even really tempted to give in. Then, I went to the doctor again and did another check with my blood. I could see the difference in my blood under the microscope. My blood looked wonderful. I had fat plump cells. No yeast or toxins were detected and everything looked very healthy. Then Christmas entertainment and holiday parties came. I did not heed the to the diet that I knew could make a difference. I ate and drank whatever was presented to me. One month later, after my last doctor visit, I went back to the doctor and had another blood test. I was back to square one, in just one month!

How many times does this happen to us? We know how to change our life. We know what it takes to be healthy. We understand that if we keep living as we desire, satisfying every want that our physical bodies want, that we are one day going to be caught with the writing on the wall. We will not be able to blame anyone else. We will not have another chance one day. One of these times is going to be our last chance at playing Russian roulette.

Oswald Chambers, "We seem to think that God wants us to give up things! God purified Abraham from this error, and the same process is at work in our lives. God never tells us to give up things just for the sake of giving them up, but He tells us to give them up for the sake of the only thing worth having, namely, life with Himself. It is a matter of loosening the bands that hold back our lives."

God has shown me the path to life. He has graciously given me time and now He is calling me to a path of life that will ultimately give me life. My hearts desire has to be for Him and the life that He is offering me. I can no longer hold on to the idols of my past. I cannot just eat whatever is placed in front of me. I cannot be a slave of things, but live free in the path that I have been shown. If I do not heed the warning that has been written on the wall, one day I may end up a prisoner trapped in a broken body. New Year resolutions are good, but it takes a true change of heart to stay with with them. All too often we stay the coarse for about 6 months. Then we start feeling safe and do not see the true need any more. Then all of a sudden we find ourselves right back where we started. If you have seen the writing on the wall, have you allowed that insight to change your heart, so that He can change your desires. The desire is life. The idol is a life trapped by what we worship. What has been your idol? What have you been worshipping? What has been the writing on your wall?

http://video-knowthecause.com/Home.aspx

In my Health

In my health, I have been reading Job. In a time of my life when things are going well for me, I have been reading Job. This has been good. Often in times of pain and torment, I have turned to this book to help me. This time I turn to it in my health. In reading it I can set myself out of the pain and look at the whole picture without the physical resentment of what is happening to me. In my health, I can see how truly shallow I am.

So often we think that our lives really affect God. We have a tendency to believe that He needs us. We think that we deserve good from Him, because we have been so good. Because we think this way, when catastrophe happens, we turn against God. We become like little children who think that they deserve a special treat for being good. We do things "for God", but in reality we are serving Him for what He will give us in return. We do this in our lives all of the time. Everything we do, we are looking for reward. And when that reward does not come, we become bitter and hurt, for we deserved better than what we got. All God ever desired from us is our heart. He desires our love. And in return, we work for Him, to get more from Him. Do we know how to love Him? Are we willing to worship Him?

Oswald Chambers, "Isn’t it humiliating to be told that we must come to Jesus! Think of the things about which we will not come to Jesus Christ. If you want to know how real you are, test yourself by these words— 'Come to Me...' In every dimension in which you are not real, you will argue or evade the issue altogether rather than come; you will go through sorrow rather than come; and you will do anything rather than come the last lap of the race of seemingly unspeakable foolishness and say, 'Just as I am, I come.' As long as you have even the least bit of spiritual disrespect, it will always reveal itself in the fact that you are expecting God to tell you to do something very big, and yet all He is telling you to do is to 'Come...'”

In my health, I am not consumed with self pity. In my health. I can see Him. So I am writing this, in my health, to remind me of who my God is and why I serve Him. I serve Him, because I love Him. I love Him, because He loved me first. I try my best not to sin. Not because I want a reward, but because He freed me from my slavery to sin. I worship Him, because He deserves to be worshiped. I respect Him because He deserves my respect. Not because of who I am, or what He has done for me, but because of who He is. I try to do my best, not to make Him love me more, but to not destroy His reputation that He has placed in my care. Why do I serve Him? Because, He is God and He deserves my worship!

(OC), "How often have you come to God with your requests and gone away thinking, 'I’ve really received what I wanted this time!' And yet you go away with nothing, while all the time God has stood with His hands outstretched not only to take you but also for you to take Him. Just think of the invincible, unconquerable, and untiring patience of Jesus, who lovingly says, 'Come to Me...'”

New Life/Freedom Living

Oswald Chambers, "Not being reconciled to the fact of sin— not recognizing it and refusing to deal with it— produces all the disasters in life. You may talk about the lofty virtues of human nature, but there is something in human nature that will mockingly laugh in the face of every principle you have. If you refuse to agree with the fact that there is wickedness and selfishness, something downright hateful and wrong, in human beings, when it attacks your life, instead of reconciling yourself to it, you will compromise with it and say that it is of no use to battle against it. Have you taken this “hour, and the power of darkness” into account, or do you have a view of yourself which includes no recognition of sin whatsoever?"

These past few months I have been looking often at Sodom's sins, mainly due to the fact that homosexuality had been brought to my attention often. But these past few weeks, using these same verses that I had been studying for others, He showed me my own sin. Ezekiel 16:49, "Sodom’s sins were pride, gluttony, and laziness..." Gluttony, that is the one. I never would have thought that gluttony would be my sin that God would ever show me. I am not going to say that it is a sin of excess clothes, money, or whatever most people choose to put in the place of gluttony. I am going to come out and say that I am a textbook definition of a glutton- it's food! I weigh 120 lbs and God has shown me that I, like so many others, struggle with food. Food is my sin.

I recently spent three weeks in Texas seeing doctors for my MS. I have been struggling for some time now with almost debilitating fatigue. I have known that I needed to change my diet for years, but I did not want to. I like my coffee in the morning, but I was drinking too much and now my adrenal glands are destroyed. I wanted to eat like everyone else and I wanted it all to be the easy fast way we as a society have come to enjoy. I felt like God should just heal me without any change from me, for I know He can. I almost felt like He was punishing me or not loving me if He did not take this from me by miraculous healing. Then He led my heart to another verse.

Daniel 1, "The king assigned them a daily ration of the best food and wine from his own kitchens...But Daniel was determined (But Daniel made up his mind) not to defile himself by eating the food and wine given to them by the king. He asked the chief of staff for permission not to eat these unacceptable foods."

We are as Sodom was. What are our sins as a nation? Could they be pride, laziness and gluttony? I want the quick fix. It would be much easier on my flesh if I could just take a pill, get a shot, get a miraculous healing, and all my problems go away. I want the fast food, that quick meal so that nothing is hard or messy. I want to eat my treats like I deserve them, instead of how they were meant, as a treat. Treats are Not something we eat everyday. I am a follower of Christ the most high God and He has called me to live in the world, but not as the world. He has given me my body as His temple. Why would He reward me when I am continually destroying His temple. He loves me! Now it is time for me to start treating myself with the same love He has called me to love others.

I repent of my sin. I am sorry that I abused my body in so many ways. I am sorry that I have not treated my Lord with respect by expecting Him to once again clean up my mess. I am sorry that I have fought against Him and chosen the world instead of following what I knew was best for me and others around me. I will learn to enjoy His treats the way He meant them. I am sorry I have sinned with the sin of gluttony.

It has been four weeks now since my eyes were opened to my sin. It has been four weeks of living as I should. For the first time I am now free. I feel more freedom in this life choice than I ever have. There was no freedom in being a slave of food. Now I have made up my mind as Daniel did and my healing has begun. My soul, my spirit is free! It will be work, but He has not called me to be lazy. Thank You Lord, for opening my eyes so that I could see. Thank You for showing me a new way to live and love myself. Thank You, for giving me the strength today, so that my tomorrow will be even better.

http://utmost.org/reconciling-yourself-to-the-fact-of-sin/

Thanks Mom, I Needed That

How do I stop! I cannot stop praising my Lord to the nations.
Psalm 71, "O Lord, I have come to you for protection; don’t let me be disgraced. Save me and rescue me, for You do what is right. Turn your ear to listen to me, and set me free....My life is an example to many, because You have been my strength and protection. That is why I can never stop praising You; I declare Your glory all day long...But I will keep on hoping for Your help; I will praise You more and more. I will tell everyone about Your righteousness. All day long I will proclaim Your saving power, though I am not skilled with words. I will praise Your mighty deeds, O Sovereign Lord. I will tell everyone that You alone are just... Let me proclaim Your power to this new generation, Your mighty miracles to all who come after me. Your righteousness, O God, reaches to the highest heavens. You have done such wonderful things. Who can compare with You, O God? You have allowed me to suffer much hardship, but You will restore me to life again and lift me up from the depths of the earth. You will restore me to even greater honor and comfort me once again...I will shout for joy and sing Your praises, for You have ransomed me. I will tell about Your righteous deeds all day long..."

I want to share this email that my mom sent me yesterday... I was feeling bad...

"Hey, Honey,

I was listening to Ravi today...thought I'd tell you what he said....he was talking about answered prayer & how God sometimes is slow in answering...but he does answer...he called it 'time laden'.....said that sometimes when He is slow in answering, or is even quiet, that it's for the completion of those 'witnessing' it.....for instance,,,,Job was an upright man...but how could he earn such a description if he had not yet been subjected to the test necessary for perfection? God allowed the testing not only to shape Job, but also to give to us who come after him, an example of how an upright person works his way through pain & hurt...
Job already had an upright character, but through his struggles we observe how an upright person behaves in the midst of his pain....thats how the work of God gets displayed...perfection is not a change in the essential character, but the completion of a cause.....Matt. 5:48...Jesus tells us to "be perfect even as" His "Father in heaven is perfect." we can't BE who God is, but we can complete the task He assigns us to do. Always obey the will of the Father, even when He seems distant.

Habakkuk pleaded with God to explain how God could use a terrible people like the Babylonians as the judgment wrought against God's own people. Habakkuk literally screamed out the words...VIOLENCE, INJUSTICE, EVIL...."How can You do this?" But he waited patiently for the Lord to answer until God FINALLY repositioned His view...he says you can't always live on the 'mountain-top.....BUT when you walk through the valley, the memory, or the view from the mountain-top, will sustain you & give you the strength to carry you through UNTIL God's timing.....'A heart in close communion with God helps carry you through without words'.....what is essential is.........a sense of God's presence during our dark seasons of questioning.....

I hope you're feeling better....get a good night's rest & tomorrow will be better...I've had a couple of my own clients call today & ask me if the barometric pressure had anything to do with how badly they feel today...thought that interesting....maybe that's what happened with you today, too....

I love you so much, my precious daughter....we'll keep trusting the Lord & keep asking Him to hurry, but we will continue to trust Him.......in the meantime, take your xiao yao wan to help deal with the kids....also, you panax ginseng....but eat nuts, avacados.
etc....keep me posted.....luv u..............your mama"

Oh the tears stream once again as I read her words... Thank you Mama... I love you..

I sing this song in my heart--
"Tell me the story of Jesus, Write on my heart Every word. Tell me the story most Precious, Sweetest that ever was heard. Oh, how I love Jesus. Oh, how I love Jesus. Oh, how I love Jesus, because He first loved me."


http://www.rbc.org/devotionals/my-utmost-for-his-highest/01/07/devotion.aspx?year=2010