One Ruler, God at War

What a time of learning and trying to discover my way in this new life. The past 6 months have been a whirlwind for us all..... Here is a list of some things that have happened.

July
*sold and bought our home
*packed our home of 12 years
*finally passed my real estate exam!

August
*moved
*boys private school closed 2 weeks before school was to start-- the scramble for their education began

September
*California for another Adult Stem Cell therapy for MS
*start homeschooling the boys, with help of a tutor
*stop leading the college/young adult ministry at church
*start going to real estate office 3 x week

With many more things in daily life (ie... flight for life my father-in-law to Denver again, still going to Crested Butte, 30 minutes away for care taking second homes at least once a week) and trying to adjust to my new roles, I haven't felt like I've had much time to myself in order to acclimate to life. Learning to breathe again as I walk out this new pathway, trying to keep relationships that I had previously built, figuring out my new work expectations, having my children home all day with/without me, and feeling heavy burdens about leaving the ministry (but trying to help my young adults know that I still love them). So, so many changes! But with changes, there were many things that did not change, I just had to reconfigure my time and fit them into my daily life.

During this very hectic time I also read a new book, God at War by Gregory A. Boyd. This book was a hard start for me, but a few chapters/months in I started learning to look at God and spiritual warfare more perceptively. My time, my circumstances, my responsibilities, my health, and my relationships they are all parts of my life that can drive me into chaos and despair. There is another aspect of our lives that we often overlook or casually pass by without giving it the proper understanding, for we are focused on the moment. We are in a constant battle in the spiritual realm. There are oppressors wanting our allegiance. I battle with this daily. The gods at war within my home, my sanctuary, asking me to bow down before them, to give them my peace.  They are forever following me, trying to take control.

It has now been 6 months of trying to breathe as I run. As I look outside at the freshly falling snow with the deer walking by my window I listen to my son breathe, with legs swaying as he does his school work. I can hear the other activities of my home coming from the floor above me and I settle on the issue at hand, there is a battle for my peace, for my allegiance. I can either tell myself that it is God constantly testing me (which may be true) or I can see that there are many adversaries who come against us all in the battle for our obedience.

Our salvation is a function of Christ's exalted lordship, and His lordship is a function of His victory over, and now enthronement above, all "rule and authority and power and dominion, and above every name that is named" (Eph 1:21). We are allowed by God's grace to share in the cosmic victory Christ has accomplished through the cross. There is quite literally a new King on the throne. And all who will simply acknowledge this kingship have a share in His gracious kingdom, and even in His powerful authority over opposing forces...

Have you ever thought of the different kingdoms of the medieval times. I can see in my minds eye one ruler over an entire area, but within that area are different smaller kingdoms with lords and dukes that seemed to rule. If you lived within the walls of a keep and never ventured outside, you may think that the lord who ruled over you was the true King. However, in reality, he was not. He was only a small ruler within a larger kingdom. This is how it is with Christ. He is the true King, but within His kingdom there have been many other lords who have tried to rule over us with the intent of gaining our obedience... Some gain our obedience by stealing our peace and making us bow down to our emotions. This is the lord that often tries to rule over me... They try and trick us into believing their lie that they are the true king and there is no one else.

Our ultimate fear is death and this is where Jesus came in and established His Lordship forever. Now it is up to us to accept His rule and not bow down to the smaller atrocities that come against us in life. We are to keep our peace and learn to battle against what is coming against us, not succumb to its terror. Moment by moment I am constantly having to retrain my focus. Someone else is coming against me. It's not just Me, but powers rulers and authorities that are trying to gain my obedience. Whom will I bow down to? Who will rule my life?

If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do. James 1:5-8

I do not want to be unstable or double minded. I want my actions to reflect what I believe. I believe in the One True God. Please God, let my actions reflect what I believe. Keep me strong so that I can win this small battle. Help me to focus my attention in the right way, on You. Help me to be stable and strong. Help me to learn to breathe even in the chaos of life. I love You my Father, thank You

The Mountains in the Distance

I received this sweet email this morning from a man who inspires me.  We all need these people on our lives, so I thought it time to share mine with you....

Jenny--

I just re-read your blog -- it has been a hectic busy time since leaving CB, so I haven't been able to write back.  I did try on the blog itself but then seemed to lose it in the ether when I thought I was saving it to your blog section.  I hate losing words just by hitting a wrong key.

Anyway, you are so right and as usual so inspiring about pressing on through failure.  I do not think you have to be ruled by never letting failure stop you, even in front of your children.  My father was incredibly successful in public service, going so far as to be a Deputy Director of the CIA, but he did not succeed always...yet he was a person of such high personal character that he was respected by everyone and an inspiration to two generations who followed him.  And he did not let one failure stop him...he kept on.  I do not think "failure" is the right word in most cases and certainly not where anything you do or try is concerned. Lack of success is a better description, as failure is way too harsh a word...after all, nobody thinks of a climber as a failure simply because they do not make it up a peak.  It took me five tries to make it up Mount Wilson, and three to get up Capitol Peak when I did it the second time.

I was so inspired by my father, because he was always "right" in his motivation and guiding principles.  He   was a person of Jesus or a true part of what I hope and believe God stands for or is -- without ever having to mention either of their names, let alone invoke their names or even set foot in church on any regular basis.

I cannot help but believe that you will always be an inspiration to your children...even if it takes ten attempts to pass that real estate test...or even if the goal eludes you.  Of course, it will not elude you.  You will pass it, and it will mean so much when you do.

You blog is so good because you have let loose your frustration with "failure"; others, me included, can relate to it.  There is God's purpose in everything, even lack of success in something where hard work and perseverance deserve a better outcome.  There is an old English saying, by someone famous I believe, "It's an ill wind that blows no good." And the good in what you are upset about is that you have tried so hard.  It is easy to do easy things; you are not doing an easy thing.  You are not doing something that is easy for you. It is your own personal "Mount Everest".  No one can fail to admire that.


This was his email to me. This next part is from a whole inspirational collective that I have previously written... Please be inspired! Oh, and I passed my test! Took me 4 tries, but that 4th one I PASSED! :)

The Mountains in the Distance

He is a small older man who walks not with a normal walking cane, but with his hiking poles that once helped to propel him up towering mountain passes.  His hands are beginning to turn as arthritis is taking its swing.  As he travels through his small apartment that is beaming with bright colors of yellow and red his oxygen tubing travels with him. He can take you on the most inspiring adventures as he pulls up photos from peaks of mountains to valleys probably never looked upon by another person.  His photos speak volumes as you climb the small staircase that rises to his garage apartment and gaze through his eyes upon peaks covered in snow and dusted with clouds. As another picture of a small Asian child sitting in a boat catches your eye, you must ask, Who is this man?  

He is not a poor man, but a man who has grown up drinking fine bottles of wine that came from his own vineyards.  His daughters live abroad and were married in his castle, a true princess wedding. But now what does he do when he can barely climb the stairs in his garage apartment where he has come for so many years in order to escape into the mountains?

His words...

The Universe Turned Upside Down

It is late on the overnight flight home from San Francisco,

And a fragment of Mahler’s Eighth Symphony,

Unexpected on airline headphones,

Has me pause from restless half sleep

To think instead of trying to hold

The excitement and promise of years

Now gone four decades and more,

Tempered by the momentary return

Of their companions – uncertainty, pain, and doubt.

How can I accept that being young

Exists now only in my mind ?

Why am I so torn

When others, outwardly at least,

Seem unconcerned

That those years of starlight and storm

Are gone forever ?...”

                                                                                  Written on United Flight 792

                                                                                  San Francisco to Washington, DC

                                                                                  November 3-4, 2010

My sweet friend, he gives me such inspiration.  Yes, there are years that he cannot reach out and touch anymore; years of friendship and love, of travels and adventures.  His journey has been filled to the brim with great adventures, but his thirty plus surgeries have tried to bind him in chains; chains that never stopped him, but chains that left him with another mountain to climb.

His poetic reference as he thinks of yet another surgery...

“Bounded by the movement of my eyes in a head firmly secured.  

The reach of my voice, and the range of my left arm only.

And yet, outside that terror is the person those faces must see

As I must be-a smile, banter, hope, and determination

To climb a mountain higher than I’ve climbed before,

With bravery shown but masking its complete absence,

Amidst the thunderclaps of dependence, the fear of abandonment.

And the unfamiliar unknown…”  

Did you see it? And yet, outside that terror is the person those faces must see… a smile, banter, hope, and determination. After waking up from surgery and discovering that his arm and shoulder were paralyzed my friend thought not of the despair he felt underneath, but of how to be brave despite it, to take it as one more challenge to overcome, not a challenge that would overcome him.  His thoughts are directed to his daughter and the joy of her new engagement, his family and friends that he must be strong for are what push him to new heights.  Inside he is full of his own terror and pain, but he is Gallant as he climbs this most difficult climb that will leave him Learning to do again the tasks once so simple and easy.      

Now he is inspiring! Don’t you just love people like this.  People who make you want to be a better person. People who live life, not without fear, but live in spite of it.    His example to live through the pain inspires me to LIVE! Don’t you just love him!  Don’t you want to live better today through the difficulties you come against? Don’t you just want to rise to the occasion now that you know of my friend!

He is inspirational for me, not because of his next great adventure, but because of his peaks of joy that he conquers and climbs on a daily basis. He helps me to keep my moans at bay and this helps me accomplish my own day. I see my grandmother in his hands. I love bent and distorted fingers, for those are where I found true love.  Fond memories that are kept alive through another’s willingness to live joyfully.  I want to live like my friend.  I want to see life through the eyes of a true sufferer who knows how to overcome. For his example helps me live better today, so that I can see a tomorrow.  To live gallantly and to help others do the same, this is a grand adventure indeed. 

FAILED

Sometimes I just want to give up. I actually struggle with this feeling often. My natural self wants things to happen around me with little or no effort. I want to see quick results. I want to live with success as my witness, but all too often it is my failure that highlights my life. For example, I have been studying to get my broker license for quite some time now. My husband wants me to join him in his business and be in his office with him selling real estate and helping him with his many other property management jobs. So two years ago I started studying. Now this is a very long time to study for real estate. Most people think that I started this one year ago, or even just six months ago, But no. I've been studying hard for two years now! The first year was a complete flop. With my struggles with MS, my brain does not retain information correctly... or really even at all. So the first year I spent reading the entire real estate book highlighting every word that I felt I should remember, but obviously couldn't. Then with my Stem Cell Therapy my brain seemed to recover. This past year has been spent more with feelings of accomplishment rather than the many tear filled study sessions of the previous year. But now it's crunch time. There are two parts to the exams. I passed the State portion, but have taken the National portion two times now with FAILED written across the page. I spend my days in my office with my door closed staring at my computer taking tests from 9am till I pick the boys up at 3:30. I study hard and FAILED is my result! FAILED is the text I must send out to others who know I am taking my test. FAILED is my results of my hard work. FAILED is what I see. FAILED FAILED FAILED

Joseph has been my reading since my last FAILED attempt. A boy with a dream. A dream that caused his brothers to despise him even more (Genesis 37). As I have been reading these past ten chapters through Genesis following Joseph's life of FAILED attempts I am encouraged to see the bigger picture, but in order to see it I cannot stop with chapter 38, or even 46. I must keep reading so that I can understand better the bigger picture and that does not come chapters later, but many books and many lives later. This is a very big picture that we are all a part of and if I can keep my eyes upon the bigger picture, then my life does not seem quite so overwhelming. The test in front of me is just another day that I cannot give up upon. The test in front of me is just another example that I must live out in front of my children, in front of my little world. In chapter 45 Joseph starts to console his very distraught brothers who feel they have just witnessed their upcoming execution. 

“I am Joseph, your brother, whom you sold into slavery in Egypt. But don’t be upset, and don’t be angry with yourselves for selling me to this place. It was God who sent me here ahead of you to preserve your lives. This famine that has ravaged the land for two years will last five more years, and there will be neither plowing nor harvesting. God has sent me ahead of you to keep you and your families alive and to preserve many survivors. So it was God who sent me here, not you! And He is the one who made me an adviser to Pharaoh—the manager of his entire palace and the governor of all Egypt."

The hardest part of being me is the fact that I tell everyone everything about myself. It is so hard because I have to live out my life knowing full well that EVERYONE knows what I am doing. But this is the part that also helps me to keep going. I cannot fool myself into giving up and live with the thought that "no one will know anyways." Because even if no one else knows, my boys know and they are watching the example that I am living out in front of them. They are learning from me how to either give up or get up. I want them to be men of honor, men of integrity. So I must keep going! They are part of my bigger picture. How I affect their lives now for the future men they are to become rests on me never allowing FAILED to over power my life now. 

Joseph is part of a bigger picture that leads us directly to the Christ. And His story is part of my bigger story through my boys. This life and what we are each going through really is not about just the test that is set in front of us now. We are each a part of a bigger story that affects our lives for generations to come. Books, chapters, pages that are being written as we live out our FAILED attempt and our accomplishments. But all too often those most important chapters are those that seem to highlight the FAILED adventures that teach us and others to keep going and to never give up. What is our dream? What is it that seems too big  for us to maneuver that is upon us now? Can we see past the test in front of us so that we can focus on the bigger picture we are a part of? Test number three is upon me in less than 2 weeks. May I live out my life in front of my boys so that they may push through their own FAILED attempts and become mighty men of God in the final chapter of their children's lives. For really this test is not too big for me to give up that easily now is it.

Every day Oswald Chambers My Utmost for His Highest

The Enemy Living with You

“For my people have done two evil things:
They have abandoned me—
the fountain of living water.
And they have dug for themselves cracked cisterns
that can hold no water at all!" Jeremiah 2:13

As I look upon my life and the lives of those that I know, I am often in wonder at how we have done exactly this. We expect things, others, this world to fill us. Only to discover that we ourselves have become cracked cisterns that can hold no water.

What if your enemy resides right in your own home? What if that enemy is the one that lays next to you at night? Dietrich Bonhoffer points us to the love of Christ for our enemies. In the New Testament our enemies are those who harbor hostility against us...And who needs our love more than those who are consumed with hatred and are utterly devoid of love? 

I have recently been reading the book Love and Respect by Eggerichs. Now I have no doubt that this book has saved, benefited countless marriages, but honestly, I am not a fan. I like to read books that are going to help me understand my Lord better. I like these books because if I can understand His love more, then maybe, I can learn to love more like He loves. I do not like books that take my focus and point it more toward a person or a situation and this is what most "self help" books do. And besides in Love and Respect Eggerich is constantly making a point that you are living with a spouse that is wanting to work with you and has "good will for you". What if you are married to someone who does not have good will toward you? (Now don't go extreme on me! I'm not talking to someone who is in a dangerous situation. The Israelites ran from their bondage in Egypt and sometimes this is what we must do.) Anyways...

What are we supposed to do then?

Bonhoffer lived in a time with true enemies at hand. He points us to Christ and His love for us. ...the more bitter our enemy's hatred, the greater his need of love... Am I asked how this love is to behave? Jesus gives the answer: bless, do good, and pray for your enemies without reserve and without respect of persons... without hypocrisy and with utter sincerity... We are not to imagine that this is to condone evil; such a love proceeds from strength rather than weakness, from truth rather than fear, and therefore it cannot be guilty of the hatred of another. And who is to be the object of such love, if not those whose hearts are stifled with hatred?

Each of us are called to work out our own salvation. We are living this life and we must keep our focus. Christ never said it would be easy, but love is the only way we can keep those bitter roots from taking hold. When we can keep our focus on Christ and His ever present love for us, then maybe we can give that love to others. Maybe we can see their true hearts and instead of taking their sickness personally, we can love Christ enough that we can endure into our own healing path. I cannot abandon my God ever again and I know that if I focus on others my cistern will be cracked and nothing/no one will ever be able to fill it. 

Jesus says, "be like Me."  We are each called to be His representatives in our own realm of influence.  If we are looking to Him for our living water, then hopefully we can then go and be like Him. 

Valentines

Valentines is almost here. Stores are stocked and our local grocery store looks more like a florist with the entrance stuffed full of flowers, balloons, and candy. Pink and red are the colors for the season. I am often amazed by this season. I love seeing all the different things that have arrived. As many get up much hope in what they are expecting, I am blown away if I get more than just a card. But really, I think I mainly get that because Jason usually takes our boys to get something. Honestly, it isn't that big of a deal for me. I never really have been that needy in the area of valentines. Don't get me wrong, it isn't because I don't like it. It really doesn't have much to do with me at all. Lets take a quick jump then come back soon.

Genesis 4, Adam and Eve have had some children who are now old enough to work. "Abel became a shepherd, while Cain cultivated the ground. When it was time for the harvest, Cain presented some of his crops as a gift to the Lord. Abel also brought a gift—the best portions of the firstborn lambs from his flock. The Lord accepted Abel and his gift, but he did not accept Cain and his gift. This made Cain very angry, and he looked dejected."

Why was Cain's gift unaccepted while Abel's was? Really take pause and look. "Cain presented some, Abel also brought a gift—the best" 

It is about their hearts. It appears that Cain just went out into the fields to grab some of what he had. It wasn't really part of his heart, but more like an appeasement. Abel on the other hand brought his best. He knew what he had and brought his most precious part. 

In marriage I think this is where we can see the heart of God the most for us. It is this day, supposedly set aside just for Him. Many of us show up and put a check mark in our calendar saying that we did our deed for that week. We try and appease God by our going to church, or whatever it is that we do. But what He wants is our heart. He wants us to go out and find Him the best of what we have. Not that He is needy or insecure, but that He wants our whole heart. An appeasement offering is never sufficient. And it really isn't just about a certain day either, but about our life. We are to seek relationship with Him everyday.  

Now back to Jason and Valentines day. Every day Jason gives me more. When he has been at work all day, he still comes home and helps me with the boys and the dinner. I give him my best too. Every Saturday is not really a play day, but a cleaning house day. Jason gets out the whip and drives the children to clean more. He is not sitting back barking orders, but leading our family by example. We give our best that each of us has, each day. But Saturdays are an all in family affair. Now this does not mean that each day is a fairy land. We are human and some days seem more like a refugee camp and we are just trying to survive, but for the most part each day we each try our best for each other, for our family. Giving up and wallowing in self want is never an option for true happiness. 

“Why are you so angry?” the Lord asked Cain. “Why do you look so dejected? You will be accepted if you do what is right. But if you refuse to do what is right, then watch out! Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be its master.”

This life is hard. When we discover that what we have given isn't enough, we often feel angry, put out, dejected, and disrespected. However, I don't think it is because we have truly given our best, but that we have only really given some, and then we have been called out on our offering of appeasement. I do not want an appeasement offering. I'll call your bluff if that is what you expect me to accept. I want your heart. I want your whole gift, selected carefully. But if it is just about a certain day, save your money. For I am not that easily appeased. I truly believe this is just one day set aside that shows that relationship we have with our God. Our marriages are supposed to be a direct reflection of our relationship we each are to have with our God. Are we giving Him our whole heart everyday? Or are we bringing Him an appeasement offering on a certain day that has been set aside that He is rejecting because He can see our true hearts?

Today's Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest is very good. Is Your Mind Stayed on God

Sometimes our best really doesn't look like much, but its all we have at that moment. And that is ok. But I don't want to live in that place. I want others to want more from me.... for me. Don't you?!

Surround Sound

Have you ever sat in a surround sound theater when one of the speakers were louder than the others. Surround sound is meant to work together. The speakers are made to each project a different, but equally important sound of what you are meant to hear. If there is only one speaker working at your left side you can miss a very important whisper that may have been intended to come from your right. As we are watching our lives playing out in front of us, are we listening from one side of our theater about who our God seems to be, or are we looking and willing to hear the surround sound of a Grand, Magnificent, and Loving God? Who is God to you? What have we been taught about the atonement of Christ?  Do we see God as the big bully in the sky, just waiting for us to make a mistake? Do we see the God of creation breathing life into existence? Do we see the Exodus, a God who hears the cry of His people and comes to their rescue?

"If Jesus Christ really did rise from the dead, everything else is just Rock-N-Roll," NT Wright.

In saying that, these are just another look at the theory of Atonement. Jesus Christ is Lord. God is our Savior. Nothing there changes, but what may change is our look on God, our look on life, our look at others. The most important part of our journey through life is that we learn to love and forgive, that we learn to live openly in truth. That we learn His love and forgiveness so that we can do a better job at this ourselves. He has commissioned us to go into the world and share with others who He is. We need to have a better understanding of Him so that we can better love others, don't we!

Left Side.... 

Atonement is a formula A+B=C (a legal issue)

God is holy and just + We sinned + Justice must be served = Jesus became our sin so God's justice could be satisfied by punishing Jesus instead of us.

Right Side...

Atonement is a rescue mission= it is a relational issue that is a matter of the heart.

Our hearts have turned away from God. Sin is something that results from a broken heart. It is not something that is tangible, but something that is relational... Relational Infidelity

Right after I left my ex-husband, while we were still married, I went to a counselor that had always told the couples to work out their situation together. He NEVER advised divorce with the thousands of people that came to him for help with their infidelity. He never did, until I came in that is. He told me to not go back to my husband. It wasn't that my ex-husband was so bad. It was because my heart was so wrong. I did not understand what love was. I did not understand really anything about God and what He wanted for me. I couldn't love, forgive, live correctly because my heart was so broken. 

I have known other couples that have experienced much worse than I did, but their faithful spouse still remains faithful and they remain married. The difference with their marriages and mine is that the faithful spouse knows and represent the love of Christ through their life with the one they pledged their life to. Their spouse cheats, lies... basically degrades them, but they keep their focus. Their focus is on their Christ. What was His call? "Follow Me." (I am not saying that you should remain in an abusive relationship. Call the cops, get out if it need be.... But represent His love and faithfulness in the process without becoming bitter and resentful.)

As I watch others living for Christ and being His true representatives here for us to see, I see our role here on earth differently. When we are diving into God we can see through other's actions into their heart. I see innocence persecuted. I see others suffering and remaining faithful to their faithful God. I can see His faithfulness through their lives. I can see His suffering for us, through our suffering for others in the here and now. Can we hear the different speakers working? Are we settled with just having the front speakers working, or are we seeking and searching for more? I know that when we feel God to be boring or mundane, maybe it isn't Him, but we may be just hearing from one speaker. For our God will never settle for boring or mundane. One of the hardest things I have ever done, and still try to do, is that I try and be mindful of my own hearts intentions. I am not a victim. I can choose to be strong or weak, but it is my choice. I must also be ever present in the fact that others are watching me, just like I am watching, waiting to see Christ represented in our lives; how we handle suffering, pain, joy, happiness. Others are watching us. Are they seeing Christ's life living in ours? Do we know how to love in truth? Love in truth loves well for others, for ourselves and most importantly for our God.

Just a piece of a very complex puzzle ;)