Jewels upon His Crown

There are certain key words, phrases, or ideas in the bible that have caught my attention for years. I've been struck by two this morning, but only have time for one. 

There are teachings out there that I definitely have a hard time with. What are jewels to God? What are His special treasures? Is it gold and precious stones? Does he admire pearls found in the ocean? Think about it. What is His most valuable treasure in all of creation that we will be blessed with for eternity?

"But, brothers and sisters, when we were orphaned by being separated from you for a short time (in person, not in thought), out of our intense longing we made every effort to see you.  For we wanted to come to you—certainly I, Paul, did, again and again—but Satan blocked our way. For what is our hope, our joy, or the crown in which we will glory in the presence of our Lord Jesus when he comes? Is it not you? Indeed, you are our glory and joy", 1 Thessalonians 2:17-20.

Yes, we will have crowns to lay at Jesus's feet, but have you ever thought outside the box of "our precious jewels" to His thought of what He sees as precious? If we change our vision to His love and desire, we can see that His precious stones are people. We are to live this life so in love for others that we can bring His treasures, given to us, to His feet and say to Him, "I loved them this much.  I laid down what I saw as precious to what You see as precious and gave up my life for relationship that showed them Your love." 

There is nothing in all of this world that is harder to cultivate than loving relationships. Our ideas, our wants, our treasures are to be set aside till we have His vision of what is most precious. 

"Thank you God that we are continually learning more about who You are. Thank you for Your grace and precious love. Help me this day Lord, to have Your vision for others. Help me to see what is truly important so that I get out of the way of my relationships with others. Help me so that they feel Your love through me. Help me to see others as the precious jewels upon Your crown. I love You Lord. In Jesus name, Amen"

Intimacy in Tuth

My 41st birthday was just a couple of weeks ago. Jason took me to Ouray for a quiet get away, just the two of us. I had been feeling the need for more intimacy for quite a while. Just a couple of months before I had told him, "I don't feel very intimate with you." Looked at him and asked if he felt intimate with me? When he answered with "yes" I was baffled. How? We barely have time to talk. We talk about work. We talk about kids. We talk about facts, but for me as a woman, I need something more. I need talking about feelings. For him as a man, intimacy is doing. We work together. We "sleep" together. We are always together. So for him he feels connected.... I needed to talk! So on this drive for my birthday, I got out my little questions and began with question one. "We are going to have a great talk," I thought, "and start off this weekend trip to Ouray right so we can have some intimacy.

1. "How did you feel loved this week by me?"
His truthful, but much needed answer was not what I expected him to say... "I haven't."

And with this answer we had intimacy, just not in the direction I had envisioned. I had been so focused on me and what I wasn't getting out of Jason, out of our relationship, that I forgot to give. In my own selfishness I had forgotten that the route to true intimacy involves me stepping outside myself into his feelings and needs. As a mom, wife, coworker... I often look at all that I am doing, "Don't you see all that I give? Don't you see all of my struggling to try and give us a happy home? And in spite of my MS... Don't you see my strength, my pain, and all that I do for you?" But this question was not about me, I had asked it, and he gave me his truthful answer... about him and how he felt.

As I look back on the days leading to Easter, I must pause and ask God the truthful questions as well, and I must be willing to accept His answer...

They come to the Temple every day and seem delighted to learn all about Me. They act like a righteous nation that would never abandon the laws of its God. They ask Me to take action on their behalf, pretending they want to be near Me. ‘We have fasted before You!’ they say. ‘Why aren’t You impressed? We have been very hard on ourselves, and You don’t even notice it!’ “I will tell you why!” I respond. “It’s because you are fasting to please yourselves," Isaiah 58.

I am not so sure I am ready to hear this answer either. But I want intimacy, so I have to be able to accept the truth and sometimes that truth is not what I am expecting to hear.

There are a five questions that I asked Jason that day. Five questions that I had to be a safe place for him to give me his truth. Five questions that were going to make me get out of me and truly connect with him and what he needed. It was my birthday weekend, but this time was not about me, for true intimacy involves being able to hear Truth from them.

2. "What does your upcoming week look like?"
3. "How can I pray for you this week?"
4. "How would you feel loved and encouraged this week by me?"
5. "How would you feel pursued in sex and love this week?"

Never once did I turn the questions around and expect him to ask me these questions so I could be heard, for honestly, it wasn't about me. I needed him to feel safe in sharing truth with me. Yes, it hurt, but truth is the only way to intimacy. I wanted to focus on intimacy, not me. I need my husband to know how much I appreciate him. I need myself to see how much he does do for me, without me focusing on what I get out of it, but what we are together. What do we give together, that we could never accomplish alone? We are to help build one another up, but if we cannot take the truth, then how are we to know how to truthfully respond.

What good is fasting when you keep on fighting and quarreling? This kind of fasting will never get you anywhere with Me. You humble yourselves by going through the motions of penance, bowing your heads like reeds bending in the wind. You dress in burlap and cover yourselves with ashes. Is this what you call fasting? Do you really think this will please the Lord? “A fast for Me involves sharing your food with people who have none, giving those who are homeless a space in your home, giving clothes to those who need them, and not neglecting your own family, Isaiah 58.

Maybe fasting is to teach us how to act during real trials. Are we short? Do we only think of how we are suffering? Am I able to see past myself and what I deal with every day in order to still be intimate with my Lord by getting out and connecting with His loved ones in helping them live this life better? My husband's heart has good will toward me, my God's heart has good will toward me, but can I see past myself to see their heart's for me? It is in learning not to focus on myself and what I want out of relationships that I can find true freedom, true intimacy. Am I a safe place to hear truth? Am I willing to step out and ready to find true love?

“Then your salvation will come like the dawn, and your wounds will quickly heal. Your godliness will lead you forward, and the glory of the Lord will protect you from behind. Then when you call, the Lord will answer.‘Yes, I am here,’ He will quickly reply..." Isaiah 58.

Valentines

Valentines is almost here. Stores are stocked and our local grocery store looks more like a florist with the entrance stuffed full of flowers, balloons, and candy. Pink and red are the colors for the season. I am often amazed by this season. I love seeing all the different things that have arrived. As many get up much hope in what they are expecting, I am blown away if I get more than just a card. But really, I think I mainly get that because Jason usually takes our boys to get something. Honestly, it isn't that big of a deal for me. I never really have been that needy in the area of valentines. Don't get me wrong, it isn't because I don't like it. It really doesn't have much to do with me at all. Lets take a quick jump then come back soon.

Genesis 4, Adam and Eve have had some children who are now old enough to work. "Abel became a shepherd, while Cain cultivated the ground. When it was time for the harvest, Cain presented some of his crops as a gift to the Lord. Abel also brought a gift—the best portions of the firstborn lambs from his flock. The Lord accepted Abel and his gift, but he did not accept Cain and his gift. This made Cain very angry, and he looked dejected."

Why was Cain's gift unaccepted while Abel's was? Really take pause and look. "Cain presented some, Abel also brought a gift—the best" 

It is about their hearts. It appears that Cain just went out into the fields to grab some of what he had. It wasn't really part of his heart, but more like an appeasement. Abel on the other hand brought his best. He knew what he had and brought his most precious part. 

In marriage I think this is where we can see the heart of God the most for us. It is this day, supposedly set aside just for Him. Many of us show up and put a check mark in our calendar saying that we did our deed for that week. We try and appease God by our going to church, or whatever it is that we do. But what He wants is our heart. He wants us to go out and find Him the best of what we have. Not that He is needy or insecure, but that He wants our whole heart. An appeasement offering is never sufficient. And it really isn't just about a certain day either, but about our life. We are to seek relationship with Him everyday.  

Now back to Jason and Valentines day. Every day Jason gives me more. When he has been at work all day, he still comes home and helps me with the boys and the dinner. I give him my best too. Every Saturday is not really a play day, but a cleaning house day. Jason gets out the whip and drives the children to clean more. He is not sitting back barking orders, but leading our family by example. We give our best that each of us has, each day. But Saturdays are an all in family affair. Now this does not mean that each day is a fairy land. We are human and some days seem more like a refugee camp and we are just trying to survive, but for the most part each day we each try our best for each other, for our family. Giving up and wallowing in self want is never an option for true happiness. 

“Why are you so angry?” the Lord asked Cain. “Why do you look so dejected? You will be accepted if you do what is right. But if you refuse to do what is right, then watch out! Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be its master.”

This life is hard. When we discover that what we have given isn't enough, we often feel angry, put out, dejected, and disrespected. However, I don't think it is because we have truly given our best, but that we have only really given some, and then we have been called out on our offering of appeasement. I do not want an appeasement offering. I'll call your bluff if that is what you expect me to accept. I want your heart. I want your whole gift, selected carefully. But if it is just about a certain day, save your money. For I am not that easily appeased. I truly believe this is just one day set aside that shows that relationship we have with our God. Our marriages are supposed to be a direct reflection of our relationship we each are to have with our God. Are we giving Him our whole heart everyday? Or are we bringing Him an appeasement offering on a certain day that has been set aside that He is rejecting because He can see our true hearts?

Today's Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest is very good. Is Your Mind Stayed on God

Sometimes our best really doesn't look like much, but its all we have at that moment. And that is ok. But I don't want to live in that place. I want others to want more from me.... for me. Don't you?!

DVR

Family get together's are often some of my most frustrating and difficult times.  Quarrels of some kind are almost always a guarantee and there is never a time without tears.  And I will be the first to admit, I have a wonderful family!  So during Thanksgiving break, we make a trip to Texas to join my family for the holiday.  On the way I am consciously making up my mind that this time together is going to be different with them.  (Okay, guys hang in there.)  Well, on the second day, I started my period.  So, right there I decide that "everything that happens is not real.  My hormones are just out of whack and whatever is said that hurts, I just took it wrong."  With that determination I discovered that I HAD A GREAT TIME!  There was never a moment of discord.  A fight did not occur once.  I shed No tears... It was wonderful.

"C.S. Lewis pitched a view of hell as a giant, ever expanding subdivision where - because of continual, petty quarrels- you're ever-increasingly alone," Dave Schmelzer, "Not the Religious Type".

That's it!  I had been the one all of this time choosing to get offended by some little thing.  All of these years I was the one causing the divisions.  They had never been attacking me, I had been choosing my own hell.

I love to listen to audio teachings.  Ray Vanderlaan is someone I turn to often to learn more about the Jewish culture.  In one of his teachings, The Temple at Arad he takes us through some of the Hebrew letters.  Dalet (d), Bet/Vet (b,v), Resh (r); dvr.  In the original Hebrew there were no vowels, you had to supply the correct vowel in the correct place by knowing what the context was.  (I will butcher this if I try and explain what he teaches, just listen to the audio yourself.  It is very good!) Anyway, the letters DVR are the same letters for "the most holy place" of the temple, the sheep fold, and the desert.  Well, DVR perked my attention attention as soon as I heard it related to the temple, especially since this is where I heard God speak to me for the first time in 1 Kings.

Several years ago, I had been reading the bible every morning for an entire year, begging God to become real to me.  I started with Psalms, moved to Proverbs, the New Testament, finally moved to the Old Testament.  Every morning was the same.  I got on my knees, begged God, "Please let me hear you.  Please speak to me."  Every morning was the same.  I read words on a page, closed my bible and left without even a whisper.  Then the dimensions of the temple came in 1 Kings, along with a drawing of the temple in my bible.  I was more than bored with the dimensions and all of the specifics about the it, I was bored until I heard something very loud and clear that is.  "Now you see how I value every aspect of my temple.  You are my temple.  Do you see how you have not taken care of my temple, you!"  The realness of God that I had wanted was here!  Now the temple is a very big deal to me.....

When Ray talked about the dvr writings in Hebrew concerning temple, I got and instant illustration about what we usually think of when we hear DVR.  I don't have to explain... What has been my recording with my family all of these years?  What have I hit auto record on that it is now an obvious miss-recording?  We all do it, whether it is something we take offense to, or some kind of coping skill.  Whatever it is, we go "there". And that thing we automatically do is secretly trying to destroy us.  My auto buttons are slowly getting redirected, but this one with my family has been there lurking under the cover of "it's them, not you."  This time, I used the excuse of hormones, to purposefully change my behavior and now I can see how I had been creating my own "hell".  They all stayed the same.  I changed my response and I had a most amazing time with my family.

What do you have preset in your DVR?  What is your instant response to others?  Do you find yourself in an "ever expanding subdivision where - because of continual, petty quarrels- you're ever-increasingly alone."  Do you separate yourself so that you can hide with some addiction, (quick offense, sneaking a piece of sugar, pornography, ect...) then later wonder why you feel so alone?  Can you notice your misdirected DVR and redirect what your doing?  Everyone can if they are willing to make the hard choice to do the work, no matter how long it takes, then obey the voice when He sees they are ready to hear.  Change your recording so that you can finally live free, in the true joy of others...

Ah.... Oswald Chambers, "My Utmost For His Highest sums it up beautifully for us today :)

An open apology to my family, especially my mom... So sorry for having P.M.S. for ..... well, forever!

Walking Through the Fire

1 Corinthians 3:13-17, " But there is going to come a time of testing at the judgement day to see what kind of work each builder has done.  Everyone's work will be put through the fire to see whether or not it keeps its value.  If the work survives, that builder will receive a reward.  But if the work is burned up, the builder will suffer great loss. The builder will be saved, but like someone barely escaping through a wall of flames.   Don’t you realize that all of you together are the temple of God and that the Spirit of God lives in you?  God will destroy anyone who destroys this temple. For God’s temple is holy, and you are that temple."

I have had my mind and heart on my calling this morning.  I have a great sense of responsibility to my family,  but my family does not stop with just my husband and my children. (They are first, but they are not my only family.)   My family is extended to my church family as well.  So who is my church family?  My family is huge!  They are the people that I see on Sunday morning.  I may not even talk to them, but I see them and their presence strengthens me.  My family are my women friends, some of whom do not go to my "church", but they are my church family.  My family are my college kids.  They are my older children whom I love dearly and I am very excited about their lives blooming.  My family is Live @ Webster Hall, where we gather and learn to love.  My family is my church. (I wish our culture called Sunday morning church, Sunday morning synagogue.  Instead of "we are going to church", "we are going to Synagogue."  This would help us when we talk about our family, for our family is our church.  And the church are the people, not the building we meet in.)   


As I read 1 Corinthians 3 this morning, the whole chapter called out to me, but vs. 13-14 really caught my attention.  What if the judgement day is right now?  What if I am in a time of "testing" to see how I respond to my knowledge of my salvation?  What if everyday of my life is my work, and the struggles with the relationships and the things to be done, are the fires I am to persevere through?  What am I doing today as I walk through this judgement day?  It is not about my salvation.  I am saved and nothing can take that from me, but what am I doing with that salvation?  How am I affecting my family?  How am I loving, or disrespecting His temple?  How is He calling me to work today?  


One of my college kids sent me this verse today, Matthew 6:21, "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."  Where is my heart?  My heart is on God and His calling in my life.  So where is my treasure?  My treasure is in my family.  Our hearts desires show us what is important to us.  My treasure is my reward.  My reward is my huge family.  (A small twist on a very big verse ;)


I have been through some very big trials in my life.  It was during these trials that I found myself all alone.  It was the loneliness of the situation that brought me to defeat within that struggle.  This life is hard.  When you find yourself in the courtroom of life facing a judge who is holding the weight of your world in his hand, it is so much more comforting to know that you have a whole team of people who are on your side and who believe in you.   I always had my parents in life, helping me and going to fight for me, but now there is so much more.  There is something that brings great comfort in knowing others will fight for me too. So often we feel we are all alone, and that is how we become defeated!  This is one of my calls.  This is one of my deepest commitments. My God is calling me to show others, they are not alone.  This fight is not a fight to battle by yourself.  This is why He has given us such a huge family.  We are the church and we stand together as one body.  This is my work.  He is calling me to share my life with others and to be with them while they are experiencing theirs.   


Today in this day, does my husband know he is not in the battle alone?  Do my children know I am always here for them?  Do my sisters know and feel my presence?  Do my college kids know they are not walking alone?  If I am doing this job well, I should see my treasure now.  My treasure that He is blessing me with does not have to wait, I should be rich in relationship.  It does not mean that it is easy.  With relationships there are always fires that need to be kindled, but with relationship there are a bounty of blessings that cannot be revoked.  This is the greatest command, "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'  This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”
How is your love walk today?  What is your job?  How is your work coming along as you build within this house of God?

Religious

The other night at Live @ Webster Hall we talked about the term "Religious". What are your feelings when you hear this word? What do you automatically assume?

Some love to use the term religious. They see it as how they express themselves to God. They love their religion and get very offended when that term is used in any kind of derogatory remark at all. They hear "religious" and their minds go right to the place of worship. That intimate time with their God. The most precious time to them is expressed in the religion they hold so close to their heart. Others however, do not hear the term "religious" with heart warming sensations, but feelings of judgement, condemnation, and laws. This is the place where man has taken over for them and God's words have been abused against them. This is the place where I have come from. This is the place that freaks me out!

When I have spoken in the past I have had a very hard time not mocking the traditions, the seemingly meaninglessness of the worship schedule that seems to appear within many of the worship orders of any given Sunday morning. The people stand and monotonically read the words that are projected in front of them with no feeling or understanding of the scripture. They stand and quote the Lord's Prayer asking God to forgive them as they forgive others. Seemingly without even noticing the very next line, "For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." When I hear this seemingly thoughtlessly repeated just out of wrote memory, I just about have a conniption. "Do you not hear what is next. Please God forgive me like I do NOT forgive others. If you forgive me like I forgive others, I am DOOMED!" And lets not forget the passing of the collection plate at every service!

Then one day I was abruptly corrected. That thing that I fear from the "religious people." Those judgements, those places of being silenced, those condemning and judgmental looks, those fears were a true revealing of my own heart. I had become what I feared most from others. I was not stepping back and looking at their worship time as something that may just be their hearts cry to God. I was seeing it through my eyes and not theirs. I was passing the most judgmental look upon them and their outward appearance and seeing only the "seemingly" from my broken heart and not able to put myself in their place, (which is what I am always expecting others to do for me).

One of the things that I cherish the most about my church is the fact that we have have young and old worshiping together, in different styles, in different clothes, with different wounds, with One God. It is our belief in One God that unites us. It is our coming together to join our lives in our time of worship that unites us and gives us strength. My most precious time is my time with my family on Sunday mornings. It is my time to see that I am not alone. It is my time to hug and receive hugs from others whom I would not see on any other ordinary day. It is my time to express my gratitude to my Savior and my time to accept others in their gratitude toward Him. It is a time for my broken heart to be softened toward others who have also been wounded by the world and even by other "Christians" as well. Without those who are older than I am, who would I go to for advise? Without the young, who would offer me so much energy? It is all of us together, laying down our differences for the sake of others, that is what makes us a family.
F- forget
A- about
M- me
I- I
L- love
Y- you
I can lay down my wounds to allow you to come to your God in your way. I can set aside my fears and my misunderstandings. If I do not, it is my fault that I do not feel close to my family. If I insist on things being my way, it is my own heart that will tell on me. Then, I hope you can do the same for me. My worship style may be different from yours, but it is how my heart sings to my God. It is in those moments that I can share with you our love for Him who unites.

“The Christian faith is not a state of mind. It is not a philosophy. You become a Christian when you meet the person of Christ, when you encounter Him. When I say I know God, I am not saying that I know about Him abstractly, I know Him. I have a relationship with Him.... The certainty that comes doesn't come from the fact that my philosophical system is 100% or that I have all of my theology tied up. The certainty that I have comes from the fact that I know Whom I have trusted and I am convinced. I have a relationship with Him. So, I can speak about Him. I can explain it, and I can give it ideas, but in the end my relationship is with Him. It is not a certainty that can be found in any other religious system. All others just have someone else's ideas. Without Christ there is no Christianity(MR)...... We draw a distinction in saying we know an absolute God is not saying we know Him absolutely. There is a difference between God and us. I can know God sufficiently, truly and really, but I am not saying I know absolutes or that I know Him absolutely. That is a knowledge claim that I do not have the capacity to make, and it is not possible. I am saying that the Absolute One, the One Who does have all knowledge is capable of revealing Himself, not exhaustively, but sufficiently... and that means that Absolute Truth has made Himself known (SM).” (Fourth Presbyterian Q&A)

WTO, West Texas Outfitters

WTO, the West Texas Outfitters. How could you know? My father had his group of buddies that he went hunting with. They dubbed their group the WTO. How could he know that they would all affect their children so profoundly? I am now 36 years old and they have been together since before I was born. In their plight to get away and go hunting together, our families were joined together. We were raised with this certain group of kids that were not our blood relatives, but now are our family. We watched our parents stick it out together. They have laughed together and cried together. They have been hurt by others and each other, but in their commitment to each other they have remained friends. What did we, as your children learn from you? Their are so many lessons! How can we count them all? But there is one that I will share, for it is an important lesson that our generation, as a whole, has forgotten.

How often do we allow someone to get just close enough to us that they offend us and we in turn dump them as our companion. "I am offended," we say, "and I do not have to take it from you." With our offense we abandon them as our friend and go away proudly holding on to our rights. We are a generation that has lost the ability to stick it out. We have lost our ability to build close relationships. We do not know what it means to live out a life with someone, because we do not know how to not get offended. So, we live out our life alone, not knowing where everyone has gone and we think it is their fault.

The WTO consists of 6 men and their wives. Out of this group of 6, 5 are still married to their fist wife, all are still friends. In our group of "kids" 50% of us have been divorced. Our generation has a "right" to leave if we find ourselves unhappy. None of us know of another person, or group of people, that has been more committed than our parents. They have stuck it out through the hard and good times. They have remained loyal and they understand what it means to forgive.

Galatians 5:22, "But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." I want to thank my WTO family for displaying the fruits of the Spirit for all of your children. Through your lives we have learned many lessons. We have seen you fall on your face. Then, because of your love for one another, we have watched you pick each other up and walk out this life together. None of us have walked out this life perfectly, we all still make many mistakes, but because of your example we are still learning from you and thank you for your example of commitment that our generation has lost. Because of your life, your children have something that many others do not have. We have an example of how to remain committed. We have an example of how to live out this life with others, and their faults. We have an example of how to make a true and lasting friend.

To the WTO, thank you. I am sorry for my part in not showing my life a better example of the life that you lived. There was a time when I bought the lies of my generation, but because of you, I now can see. I have played my part in our statistics, but for this next part of my life, I can do better. Thank you for showing me love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Thank you for sticking out this life together, so I can do better in the future and my children will learn this valuable lesson too. Exodus 20:6, "...I lavish unfailing love for a thousand generations on those who love me and obey my commands." Thank you, from all of us who follow after you, to be part of a beautiful blessing.

Un-Group, I Love this Body!

Every Tuesday night, for almost 2 years now, I have met with a group of women. We started out meeting in different homes, but now we all gather together in my home. I have a basement that is perfect. That is why we settled on this. We call ourselves the un-group. We have no agenda. We have nothing in mind for our time together. We have no book to guide us. We do not even, always study the bible. We come together and allow God to lead our un-group into praise and worship of Him. We cry together. We laugh together. We share our lives together. There are some women, who are always there. There are others who float in and out, depending on their home situation and what they are needing right then. This un-group of women, this is my church. This is where the true beauty of God comes alive. This is where we see the Holy Spirit move and where we see lives changed.

1 Corinthians 12:4-11, "There are different kinds of spiritual gifts, but the same Spirit is the source of them all. There are different kinds of service, but we serve the same Lord. God works in different ways, but it is the same God who does the work in all of us. A spiritual gift is given to each of us so we can help each other. To one person the Spirit gives the ability to give wise advice; to another the same Spirit gives a message of special knowledge. The same Spirit gives great faith to another, and to someone else the one Spirit gives the gift of healing. He gives one person the power to perform miracles, and another the ability to prophesy. He gives someone else the ability to discern whether a message is from the Spirit of God or from another spirit. Still another person is given the ability to speak in unknown languages, while another is given the ability to interpret what is being said. It is the one and only Spirit who distributes all these gifts. He alone decides which gift each person should have." This is my church body and I love her.

Last night we had a discussion about going to church on Sundays and what that looks like. During this discussion we had several different opinions being tossed around. I don't think that any of us really knew. Church on Sundays is an institution. I hate to say it, but it is. There are certain things that have to happen. There is a certain program that has to be run in order for everything to go smoothly. The question was tossed around about what kind of teaching needed to be taught there. Does it need to me "milk" for the ones who are new and who do not have a strong faith walk yet? Does it need to be "meat" to help spur on those who have been Christ followers for sometime now?

I wrestled with these questions all night. When I awoke this morning and opened my bible, I could hear the answer. It did not come to me through the words that I was reading. It came to my heart. (Then later my heart's desire was put into its place and I have changed what I thought needed to be changed in this writing). Sunday mornings is a time for the believers to come and sing praises to their God together, to worship Him. It is a time to introduce yourself to new people. The meat that we so desire that Sunday morning to give us, is not enough if we expect it to happen once a week. This cannot happen on Sunday mornings, not the way it happens to us on Tuesday nights. If everyone were part of a "small group" then when that person comes in for the first time, who does not know what worship is all about, then the believers should take that person and invite them into "group" night so that the body can work its magic. Just like there are many different "churches" in a town there needs to be many different groups, so that a person can join that group and be fed what they can eat at that time in their life. If they are a new believer, they can receive milk. If they are someone who has been on this journey for some time now, they can eat the meat they need.

This is how it can work. I saw a new woman in our church one day. I made it my goal to go up to her, introduce myself, and invite her into my home on Tuesday night. Now, I am not sure if our un-group is the "right" one for her, but at least she feels like part of the body now. She can come to church on Sunday mornings to meet with people who have the same goal in mind and she does not feel like an outcast by being there. Tuesday night is where the true body of Christ is felt for us. This is where true "church" happens. Now that my friend feels comfortable in our group, if she needs to find another group, she will not feel so uncomfortable in joining another group that may better serve her what she can handle. She is part of the body and she can now find her place. But it all started because she walked into our church, she was invited into a home, she felt desired. This would have never happened if she had not been invited home. Home is where the true teaching needs to happen. Home is where the true church meets.

So if you go to church on Sunday, why are you going? Are you going there to get your fill for the week, until the next Sunday? Are you joined with other believers, part of a small group, during the week? Do you see the new faces who need to be invited into your home, into your group? What does church look like for you? If you are new, if you have been there for your entire life, have you plugged into a small group? If you have not, you are missing the true "church".

Chasing Rabbits

"'As they followed they were afraid' —Mark 10:32

At the beginning of our life with Jesus Christ, we were sure we knew all there was to know about following Him. It was a delight to forsake everything else and to throw ourselves before Him in a fearless statement of love. But now we are not quite so sure. Jesus is far ahead of us and is beginning to seem different and unfamiliar— 'Jesus was going before them; and they were amazed' (Mark 10:32).

There is an aspect of Jesus that chills even a disciple’s heart to its depth and makes his entire spiritual life gasp for air. This unusual Person with His face set 'like a flint' (Isaiah 50:7) is walking with great determination ahead of me, and He strikes terror right through me. He no longer seems to be my Counselor and Friend and has a point of view about which I know nothing. All I can do is stand and stare at Him in amazement. At first I was confident that I understood Him, but now I am not so sure. I begin to realize that there is a distance between Jesus and me and I can no longer be intimate with Him. I have no idea where He is going, and the goal has become strangely distant.

Jesus Christ had to understand fully every sin and sorrow that human beings could experience, and that is what makes Him seem unfamiliar. When we see this aspect of Him, we realize we really don’t know Him. We don’t recognize even one characteristic of His life, and we don’t know how to begin to follow Him. He is far ahead of us, a Leader who seems totally unfamiliar, and we have no friendship with Him.

The discipline of dismay is an essential lesson which a disciple must learn. The danger is that we tend to look back on our times of obedience and on our past sacrifices to God in an effort to keep our enthusiasm for Him strong (see Isaiah 1:10-11). But when the darkness of dismay comes, endure until it is over, because out of it will come the ability to follow Jesus truly, which brings inexpressibly wonderful joy." (Oswald Chambers)

This is where I am currently. Many times though this new journey with Christ, I have been very confident in where He was taking me. Then other times, like now, I can become very insecure. Just the other day I was in Ouray with my family and had to step away from them in order to have some quiet so that I could set the day in focus. (I must start my day with Christ, otherwise I can be a monster.) I separated myself and went and sat on a bridge overlooking the river. I sat there and begged God to show me. Show me where I am supposed to go and what I was supposed to do next. "Please God, help me. I do not want to be chasing rabbits down a rabbit hole and miss what I have right in front of me. I do not want to be spending all this energy and time on something that is just leading me astray from what is truly important. I do not want to be striving for something that is not going to do anything, but to draw my attention away from my family. Help me to keep focus. Do not let me loose relationship with them and with You while I travel this path. Help me keep the moment in front of me as my focus while I try my best to obey You in the everyday."

Stepping out in obedience can be some of the hardest and most insecure times in our life. I do not want to look like a fool. I do not want to miss what God really has for me. I do not want to chase rabbits down a rabbit hole. I do not want to disobey, while trying to obey. It can become very confusing.

Then God sends me Oswald and I can hear Him speaking to me.... "Wait. Be patient. Just keep today as your focus and do your best today. You are not here to conquer the world. You are here to enjoy and have peace in this moment. You are here to love those I have given you. Tomorrow will take care of tomorrow. Work when I tell you to work and rest when I tell you to rest. Nothing may happen in others eyes, but you will be able to see Me more clearly. Show your children, today, how much I love them. Show your husband, today, how much I love him. It is in the moment that you will find My peace and love. I will take care of the big picture. You take care of the moment, while you walk in obedience to Me, today."

Walls

The older my son gets, the more I can see me in my relationship with my God. In this case, I am in the place of God in my relationship with my son, as God is to me in our relationship. I love my son no matter what, but when he disobeys me, he is the one building the walls between us. It is a matter of constant little disobedience that builds those walls one brick, one rebellious moment at a time.

Just the other night I had had my fill of those rebellious moments. I asked him to go and take a shower. Which in reply, he informed me that he just needed to wash his feet. This went back and forth several times, till I just said, "Go." When he came out he had only washed his feet! Then I very firmly told him, he better get in there and wash his whole body, now. When he got out he did another subtle little act of disobedience and the scolding was on. He thought it was my fault and I was being too hard on him. For this act was so small, but it was a combination of them all, all day long, that I was seeing. After we shared some tears, I explained to him that when he obeys me we have a good relationship. But, when he disobeys me, he is the one building the walls between us. It is his act of rebellion that places those feelings of rejection, anger, aloneness, all those negative feelings he thinks that I am responsible for, he is the true owner of those feelings. He is the one responsible for building that wall.

How we can become so concerned with our parts of obedience that we forget that God sees the whole picture, not just that act, in that moment. We think, "But, I am doing so good. Did you see that I sacrificed here? I gave my part in that... here." Jesus had just one thing to say about doing our little acts of obedience in one area, while neglecting the others. “What sorrow awaits you teachers of religious law and you Pharisees. Hypocrites! For you are careful to tithe even the tiniest income from your herb gardens, but you ignore the more important aspects of the law—justice, mercy, and faith. You should tithe, yes, but do not neglect the more important things..." (Matthew 23:23) The emphasis was on doing your part in all God is calling you to do, not just one area. He did not say that you could just pick one area and leave out something else. No, He said, "tithe, yes..." As we give back to God we do not get to choose just one thing and leave out the rest of the body. Tithe, then do whatever else He is telling you to do. It is not a choice between different things, but to do as much you can, as often as you are presented with the opportunity. Some may think, "but I do not work at the church building this scripture is for them, not me." Be careful. There is more. We cannot take just one thing that Jesus says and leave out another part. “But I warn you—unless your righteousness is better than the righteousness of the teachers of religious law and the Pharisees, you will never enter the Kingdom of Heaven!" (Matthew 5:20). No, every bit is for everyone.

How many times do we have an opportunity to serve, or to love on someone, or to open our home up and have someone over, or to give that little extra bit of money in our pocket? How many times do we neglect the subtle nudges from God to obey? How many times have we disobeyed Him and in return built a small piece of wall between the two of us. How many times have we neglected to spend that precious moment with just Him, so that we will be better equipped to deal with the rest of this life that is facing us?

We are not called to be like our pastor, our teacher, our friend, or our neighbor. We are called be like Christ. He is our example and He is perfect. He always gave first. He always considered those special moments alone with God to be most valuable. He always gave everything He had. He never asked for anything in return, except for us to do as He does. Do we? Or are we slowly building a wall between us and Christ by what we do not do? It is not a matter of salvation. That was done by Christ alone, on the Cross. It is a matter of whether or not we are willing to obey or not. We cannot have that pure relationship with Christ that we desire if we are constantly building walls between us.

My Love

1 John 5:14, "And we are confident that he hears us whenever we ask for anything that pleases Him. And since we know He hears us when we make our requests, we also know that He will give us what we ask for."

Do you know that my requests are being granted. It is not in the money you bring home. It is not the earthly pleasures that you are able to provide for me. My prayers and requests are granted because of the love that you show for our Lord. The more you fall in love with Him, the more you fall in love with me. The two go hand in hand. Eight years today! We have been married for eight years and every day our home gets more secure. It is not because financially we are better off. Christ never promised security in that way. In fact, He would promise security in the opposite direction. Luke 18:22, "The man replied, 'I’ve obeyed all these commandments since I was young.' When Jesus heard his answer, he said, 'There is still one thing you haven’t done. Sell all your possessions and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.'”

I am more proud of you today than I ever was when you drove your Z3. I know where the strength of a man is held. It is not held in his physical strength. No, that always fades. It is not held in how much money he makes. No, the government will make sure of that. It is not shown in his house that he builds, or in this world at all. The strength that I see is a strength that most miss with their eyes, for they are looking through the fog, but I see clearly. I see your strength when you do not panic and you trust in our God. For that is where your true strength is revealed.

I am so proud of you. I am proud of the man you are. I do not see the things of the world as others do. I see God. As long as you are focused on Him, I see your strength. He is what gives true strength to a true man. When I see your anger and discouragement, that is when I have the hardest time, for your focus is taken away from God and my security is shaken. Keep your focus my love. Stay strong. We are doing great.

You have work to do. I have been talking to you a lot about Nehemiah, I see his call in yours. He had a most impossible task before him. The only way he was able to do his job well and complete it, was his focus. He kept his focus on God through all of the trials. He was focused on God while he had a sword strapped to his waist ready to fight the opposition. You are rebuilding a business. Keep your focus on God, but also keep one hand on your sword. You have more strength than any man I have ever met. I know, for I have tested that strength. My love, the main thing a woman wants is security. It is not security that this world offers. All those things are temporal. My greatest need is for you to keep your focus, then I am secure.

Psalm 19, "The heavens proclaim the glory of God. The skies display his craftsmanship. Day after day they continue to speak; night after night they make him known. They speak without a sound or word; their voice is never heard. Yet their message has gone throughout the earth, and their words to all the world...The instructions of the Lord are perfect, reviving the soul. The decrees of the Lord are trustworthy, making wise the simple. The commandments of the Lord are right, bringing joy to the heart. The commands of the Lord are clear, giving insight for living. Reverence for the Lord is pure, lasting forever. The laws of the Lord are true; each one is fair. They are more desirable than gold, even the finest gold. They are sweeter than honey, even honey dripping from the comb."

I have written you many love notes in the past, but this time my job is different. I am called to be your help mate, and this time I am your being you boxing coach. I am here to cheer you on and help you win this fight. I am so proud of you. I am so proud to be your wife. I am so in love with you...

Goes Around, Comes Around

It can be amazing how our past sins can come and slap us in the face. Ahithophel was the counselor that Absalom used to help him while he was taking over his father's (David's) kingdom. 2 Samuel 16:15-23, "Absalom said to Ahithophel, 'Give us your advice. What should we do?' Ahithophel answered, 'Lie with your father's concubines whom he left to take care of the palace. Then all Israel will hear that you have made yourself a stench in your father's nostrils, and the hands of everyone with you will be strengthened.' So they pitched a tent for Absalom on the roof, and he lay with his father's concubines in the sight of all Israel."

Ahithophel was the grandfather of Bathsheba. He knew how to get to David. He used the same exact location to get to David, that David was in when he had first seen Bathsheba. David's sin with Bathsheba had now come in full circle. Now his son was going to sleep with his concubines where everyone could see. He was going to feel the sting of his own sin, in its original place of birth. This is the hardest consequences of sin, sometimes the consequences still come even after you have changed your ways. And, sometimes those consequences are felt threw your children.

Though this is how David's sin played out, I don't think that it had to come to this. While David himself had been confronted and this is how his eyes were opened, he had failed to do the same for his children. He missed the opportunity he had to be his children's counselor. Absalom's rebellion started when his brother's sin was not punished by David. This is when Absalom's heart grew hard against his father. Amnon had raped his sister Tamar, and even though David was very angry about it he never brought punishment to Amnon. 2 Samuel 13:22, "When King David heard all this, he was furious. Absalom never said a word to Amnon, either good or bad; he hated Amnon because he had disgraced his sister Tamar." This hatred turned into revenge and he killed Amnon two years later. It was after this when Absalom decided to take his father's kingdom. If David had punished Amnon when he should have, this may never have happened.

It was David's original guilt about his own sin that I think stopped him from punishing his children when they sinned. How often as parents do we tend to say, "well, I did it." Then we do not hold our children to the accountability standard that they need. What we must realize is that all too often our sins affect them by our not dealing with their sins, all because of our own personal guilt. Or, we see their sins and do not hold them accountable for their sins, all because we did it too. "We survived and so will they." At what cost do we sacrifice our children, all because we did it too. We are to be here as their counselors. Just like David had Nathan as his counselor, and Nathan did not turn a blind eye, we are to be our children's counselors. We are to hold them to the standards that God has given us, not the standards that we lived by. We are to love them unconditionally, but we are to love them in truth and love. There is a difference. If we do not love them in truth, then we cannot really love them. Sometimes the truth hurts. But, love always wrapped in truth is never blind. We cannot turn a blind eye, especially on our children, just because we are afraid of them saying, "You did it too. Who are you to judge me!" As we become older, we cannot hide behind the guilt and fear of our youth. We must learn to stand with our youth as an example and hold our children accountable to God's righteousness, not our mistakes. If you are not your child's counselor, who is?

Consequences Today for Lessons Tomorrow

This morning tears fell from my face as I read the scriptures. Tears of concern for my children and the path that I am leading them down. My sons, my only two children that I am responsible for, what can I learn and what can I avoid as I raise them? 1 Samuel 1-8 is filled with parental failings and sons who are not part of God's chosen ones.

Eli, a priest, a respected man in the community, did not have sons that followed in his path. What did he do that he could raise Samuel to love the Lord, but his own sons had contempt for God and His Holiness? One thing that stands out as I read the scripture and the commentary that goes along with it is that he did not discipline his sons. When he saw them doing wrong, he turned a blind eye toward what they were doing. Instead of punishing them, he allowed God to be the disciplinarian and by that time they were older and they suffered the consequences that came with the sins we so often commit when we are supposed to be more mature. As I read this my attention has to be drawn to Samuel, as well. Why did he not follow in the same footsteps as Eli's sons. I must believe that Eli's sons were Samuel's examples to watch. Samuel was able to observe first hand what the outcome would be if he took God for granted and did not respect Him as the Holy One. Samuel's sons were no different than Eli's. Samuel did not know how to be a good father either, for his sons "were greedy for money. They accepted bribes and perverted justice," (8:3). What am I to learn from both of of these men as a parent? What can I do so that both of my sons are not lost as their sons were?

As I have experienced life and watched the outcome of others lives and how they were raised, I must stop and really evaluate what the truth is. There are two ways that stand out to me, I am sure there are more, but two that stand out to me in the lessons of Eli and Samuel. The lessons of consequences and how they are learned. In reading this morning I observed that these life lessons of consequences was learned in two ways. One with observing others, and one with children lost because of lessons that they never were taught. With all of my heart, might, and desire, I want my sons to learn the lesson of consequences, while the consequences are small in comparison. I speak to them often about how they need to think about the consequences that are to follow what actions they take. Good and bad consequences always follow whatever action we take. It is a natural law and I hope to train them to think ahead and see if the consequences are worth what they are doing in that brief moment. This lesson is the main lesson that everyone must learn. We as parents either discipline our own children, or they may learn it by observing others, or they will suffer in their adult life and experience the lesson the hardest way. Samuel learned by watching Eli's sons, but Eli's sons were lost in the process. Samuel's sons had no one to watch and suffered the consequences in their adult life. I am not willing to sacrifice one of my sons so the other can learn by observation alone.

So often as a parent it seems much easier to turn a blind eye and let yourself believe that they will figure things out on their own. Just the other day I was at the park and a child had a toy. While we watched the children playing, we observed that the child was not sharing. I heard the mother say, "I want to intervene, but he needs to learn to share on his own." This is a recipe for a selfish man in the making. Children do not learn like that. They must continually be taught. They must be made to think outside the world of "me, mine." So often I must intervene with my children and it is hard work. It is much easier to turn a blind eye and assume that they will learn the lesson themselves, but it is not always a lesson learned. Too often the life is lived out and the consequences of that lost life are devastating. Which of my children am I willing to sacrifice today for the lessons that I am not willing to teach them for tomorrow. The consequences are small today with the discipline that comes, but when they are older the consequences can be devastating if they do not suffer today. With disciplining my children today and letting them understand the pain that comes with the consequences of their choices, they have a better chance of becoming observant, obedient adults tomorrow. In the way that I am raising my children, am I showing them how much God loves them? Am I willing to be "the bad guy" today, so that they can enjoy their life tomorrow? How do I want them to learn about consequences? Is it going to be by watching their brother fall, falling themselves tomorrow, or by the sting of discipline today?

Role Reversal

1 Peter 1, "So think clearly and exercise self-control... Obey God because you are His children. Don’t slip back into your old ways of living to satisfy your own desires. You didn’t know any better then. But now you must be holy in everything you do, just as God who chose you is holy. For the Scriptures say, 'You must be holy because I am holy.' ...For you have been born again. Your new life did not come from your earthly parents because the life they gave you will end in death. But this new life will last forever because it comes from the eternal, living word of God...”

One of the hardest things that I have to conquer still today, is when I return to my parents home. It is not even that my family is really all that hard to get along with. In reality, I have a very good family that is easy to be around. The hard part comes from me. I have a tendency to forget who I am today, in my home, and become this other person that once lived in their home. I slip back into my old ways of relating with my dad and with my mom. I carry childhood feelings with me when I am around my brothers. Everything reverts back to who I used to be. My attitude changes. I become this little girl, who wants my mom to wait on me. I become this bratty sibling that feels it is all about me. To conquer this I have to change my focus. I have to change my focus away from them changing their behavior toward me, to me changing toward them.

For the past couple of years I have been working on my attitude for when I go home. The entire way to Texas, I am concentrating on me and how I am going to react to everyone. I have no expectations for them. In fact, I expect them to be the same. If I expect them to be different, then I am setting myself up for disappointment and reverting myself.

This last trip home for Thanksgiving was the best yet. Honestly, I do not know if they were different, or if it was me, but it was better. However, I could still see things that I was doing that I need to let go of. I fear that I am still disrespectful to my dad and I hate that. I just want so desperately to connect with him, but somehow the TV always gets in the way. Then the disrespect comes flowing. How sorry I am for this. But for the most part, this trip was better.

When we go back home, it is like we are going back to who we left behind in ourselves. I would have to say that this is why the holidays can be so hard for so many. It is not really them, but who we become when we are around them. So if you look at it as everyone feels this way, they are becoming who they used to be when they are around us. We all are reverting and no one is allowed to be who they are in Christ, now. My mother becomes the mother of a little girl again. My dad becomes the father he used to be, and my brothers become the older brother again. We all revert. I believe the key to this whole family dynamic, begins with me. I am the only one I can control. I have to always be prepared, "think clearly and exercise self-control... Obey God because you are His children. Don’t slip back into your old ways of living"

My earthly parents have done their work here. My brothers have loved me as older brothers. My role has changed. I am now the child of God and I must act like it, no matter where I am. So before you revert to who you used to be, remember who you are now, and take that person with you. Have grace for those who are having a hard time as well. Be prepared for yourself, so you don't slip back to who you used to be. Love them. Love yourself. Remember whose you really are now, before the temptation comes for you to slip back. Have a very Merry Christmas.