White Funeral

I feel like I have been in divorce recovery/marriage counseling from God, these past few months. I was asked to be in a community play called "The X." In this play my character is stranded in a small airport terminal. Only to discover, that her ex husband is the only other person there with her. In the play I have to play the role of a woman who does not want anything to do with her ex husband. She does not want to talk to him; look at him; or think about him. Her heart is hard and she does not want to discuss their previous life. He on the other hand, wants to talk things out. He is still trying to justify the divorce and feels the need to talk. He feels this is his perfect opportunity to close the door on some past regrets.

Honestly, this has been crazy. I did not try out for the part. The person who wrote the play, called my husband and asked him if I would be interested in the part. I of coarse, felt like God was calling me to the play, but with no idea of why. I think I am beginning to understand why I needed to do this.

This whole process has been an emotional roller coaster for me. I truly did not expect this. In order to play my character, I had to visit past feelings and express them in front of everyone. But the feelings that I have had to express are nothing like the feelings that I have toward my ex husband. My character is still full of rage and anger toward her ex husband. My feelings are feelings of regret about my part in our failed marriage. I wouldn't yell at my ex. I would tell him how truly sorry I am for my failures. Now that I have been able to step back and see my contribution to our divorce, I have many regrets. So, with the play, I have been able to come full circle with my emotions and dealings with my divorce.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, January 15; "No one experiences complete sanctification without going through a "white funeral" -the burial of the old life. If there has never been this crucial moment of change through death, sanctification will never be more than an elusive dream. There must be a "white funeral"... Have you really come to your last days? You have often come to them in your mind, but have you really experienced them? You cannot die or go to your funeral in a mood of excitement. Death means you stop being. You must agree with God and stop being the intensely striving kind of Christian you have been. We refuse the ceremony and continually refuse our own death..."

I feel like I have been at my funeral for the past couple of months. I have had to dive into my feelings and search them through, til I am sick of searching them. I am tired of crying. I am tired of thinking about my failures. I am tired of searching ways to express this other woman's feelings. I have come full circle with this whole divorce issue and I truly want to put it to death. I know that I will never be "that" person again. I do not want to relate and feel her pain any longer. It is time for the Resurrection! I thought I had this, but obviously God saw my heart differently.

In holding on to my regrets, I thought I was being true to myself and to God. What I have discovered is that in holding on to my past regrets, I have not been able to truly experience the Resurrection that He offers. I have been called by God. He does things differently than I would. "The call is the expression of the nature of the One who calls, and we can only recognize the call if that same nature is in us. The call of God is the expression of God's nature, not ours. God providentially weaves the threads of His call through our lives, and only we can distinguish them." In order to hear His call, we must be willing to walk through death and return to a new life. The only true life that His death can offer.