Girls Retreat

Tonight I am leaving with a friend, taking a group of teen girls on a retreat for two nights. I was asked to speak with these girls and give them my testimony. If I were their parents I would have some concerns; one of which, what is she going to tell my daughter? I am going to drive it home, that their parents faith will not save them. Here is a little history of my own...

I was raised in a Christian home. We were at church every time the doors were open: Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night. We had people coming into our home after church and we were surrounded by families trying their best to raise their children in "church". I graduated high school from a private Christan school. After high school I went into a mission program, where I studied the bible every day for one year. At the end of one year I was supposed to go to the mission field, but some things happened and I did not end up going. After that I attended a private Christian University, where I got my degree in Elementary Education. All of this did not save me. I was well educated. I grew up in the "right" home. None of this mattered. I was not living for Christ.

In Jn 13:2, 27, 30
"The Devil had already enticed Judas to carry out his plan to betray Jesus... As soon as Judas had eaten the bread, Satan entered into him... So Judas left at once, going out into the night."
I was Judas. I knew Jesus I grew up with him and learned from him. I allowed Satan to entice me and use me for his evil plan. I took the sin of the flesh; I ate it and allowed Satan to enter into me. Then I turned into the night to betray Jesus with my words and my body.

Gal 6:7-15
"Don't be misled. Remember that you can’t ignore God and get away with it. You will always reap what you sow! Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful desires will harvest the consequences of decay and death. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit. So don't get tired of doing what is good. Don't get discouraged and give up, for we will reap a harvest of blessing at the appropriate time... What counts is whether we really have been changed into new and different people…They are the new people of God."

I desperately want these young girls to see that it does not matter that they know "who" Christ is, if they do not turn their lives over to Him. They have to make a personal choice. It does not matter what their parents believe, it is them, personally, that matters. It is personal between us as individuals and Christ. I would rather share my life with these young girls and have them see the consequences of sin through me, so they do not have to reap the sorrow that sin harvests.

So parents, this is what I am going to be discussing with your girls. I want you to know, so that you can help them know the consequences of death outside of Christ. Their parents faith will not save them. They have to have a personal faith. I hope that I can help them to find this, so that the sorrows of this world will not overcome them.

I also want them to know that even if they do stray, they can always come home. There are three good points in the parable of the periodical son; sick of home, home sick and home. Even if they think they have spent the last of their inheritance, God is their father and He will always be watching for them to come back to Him.

Romans 12

Jason and I watched "Fireproof" again last night. We love this movie. Honestly, it is not because of the incredible acting, or film making creativity, but because of life. This is real life. Some may think that it is just another type of Christian fairy tale and marriages really cannot recover like that, but I know they can; I have lived it.

Romans 12:1-2, "And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice - the kind He will accept. When you think of what He has done for you, is this too much to ask? Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do, and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect His will really is."

As I read Romans 12 this morning, I also noticed all that I had written in the margin. This chapter is directed toward the body of the church; my thoughts are directed toward my marriage. Jason and I try so hard to live out Romans 12 in our marriage.

"Be honest in your estimate of yourselves... And since we are all one body in Christ, we belong to each other, and each of us needs all the others." In my marriage, I have to be honest with myself, about myself. I have to look at how I am coming across to my husband. I cannot always be pointing my finger the other way, I have to see myself for who I really am. As a married couple we are one body. In this house we are to live as one with Christ.

"God has given each of us the ability to do certain things well." As I read the gifts of the Spirit, I have to first look into this home. We do have most all of these gifts listed here. We together are better workers for Christ, because we bring our different gifts and combine them into one.

"Don't just pretend that you love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Stand on the side of the good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other." I cannot just pretend to love my husband in public, then come home with hate in my heart. I have to genuinely love him. We did not start our marriage with passionate romance; we started it with God, love came later. We just started doing things for the other and looking at the day from the others perspective. Love followed; we now love with a passionate love.

"Be glad...Be patient...be prayerful. When God's children are in need, be the one to help them out. And get into the habit of inviting guests home for dinner or, if they need lodging, for the night. ...And don't think you know it all! Never pay back evil for evil to anyone... Don't let evil get the best of you, but conquer evil by doing good."

It all starts here, at home. He asks us to be kind to our spouse first, and when you can do that, open your home to others. Work together as a team, as one body in Christ. We are not perfect, but when one is having a hard day, the other picks up the slack. In Christ, in marriage, we are one. I want good for myself; I want good for my husband. If I want him to treat me lovingly, I have to first treat him lovingly. We are one, and with the help of Christ and following His example, we have a wonderful marriage. Hard times come, but as long as one of us stands strong, we can withstand the fire. When he is having a bad day, I cannot. When I am having a bad day, he cannot. With Christ as the corner stone, He is always the strength we need. We can rely on Him to give us the strength to love, one more day.

Divorce, For the Children?

I feel like I have been approached by a same common theme in many women's lives. I am by no means addressing one certain issue; I am not picking on one person. I am talking about a common belief that is going on in the minds of many. This is the reoccurring theme: "I am leaving my husband, because I cannot take his verbal abuse any longer, and I don't want my children to be raised thinking this is something that they have to let happen to them." This sounds very noble and your "right" as a woman to value yourself. But where are you really guiding your children? How much better are things really, for them? Yes, you may not have to deal with his verbal abuse on a daily bases anymore, but are your children really out of harms way? It seems to me that truly abused women, run. They truly fear for their safety and their children's, and they take them out of the picture. But even then, there are struggles that face them. And lets face it, these situations are rare, and they are on a different level. We cannot use these extreme situations to justify the majority of divorces.

1 Corinthians 7:14, "For the Christian wife brings holiness to her marriage, and the Christian husband brings holiness to his marriage. Otherwise, your children would not have a godly influence, but now they are set apart for Him." So, you say you are leaving to give your children the right example. Is this scriptural?

I am not pointing fingers. Trust me! I am divorced, but I do not think that God condones divorce. It causes a whole mess of problems. Many times you are just trading one problem for another. I have a good godly life with my husband now, but it does not relieve the guilt of my past. I cannot say that, I stuck it out and look how God was glorified. I can say that He can make anything good, for what the Devil intends for evil, God can turn for good. But this does not give us an excuse to sin. Don't get your feathers ruffled. I am not pointing my finger, you have to work your individual situation out with God Himself, but I am asking that you open your eyes to the truth.

Many say that their children, now live in peace, because of the divorce. Yet, when the other spouse has the children for "their" time with them, who is there to protect the children. Yes, one adult has taken themselves out of the firing range, but they in turn, leave their children totally exposed, unprotected, in the abuser's hands. Please tell me, how is this better? I do not get it. You say that your time with them can repair the damage done, while you are away. How do you repair anything, if you really do not know what is going on? Don't use your children for an excuse to get a divorce. I see this as a lame excuse, to ultimately do as you desire.

Divorce is not an unforgivable sin. I have many heartfelt feelings for those who have a divorce in their past. It just seems to me that people are constantly making excuses to justify their sin. We have to take the blinders off and look at our life with true insight. How does God really see things. Until we are willing to truly look into our own life, we cannot have a truly blessed life with God. I am not saying to undo what has been done, trust me, you cannot, I have tried. What is done is done. I am just asking people to look at life in reality and to stop justifying your own sins. As long as we are justifying our own sin, how are we to show Christ and His grace. For if we are justified; where is Jesus, where is grace?

Having Joy

Philippians 2:3ff, "Don't be selfish; don't live to make a good impression on others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourself. Don't think only about your own affairs, but be interested in others, too, and what they are doing.
Your attitude should be the same that Christ Jesus had. Though He was God, he did not demand and cling to His rights as God. He made Himself nothing; He took the humble position of a slave and appeared in human form. And in human form He obediently humbled Himself even further by dying a criminal's death on a cross."

My worst days, are the days when I am thinking of myself. My worst days are when "I" have a schedule. My worst days are when I am thinking about me. Honestly, the scriptures tell us how to have wonderful, joy filled days; and it is not in thinking about what you want. Some of the most miserable people I know, think only about themselves. In terms that every mother can relate too, children are very selfish. My boys can be happy, playing and laughing. Then the instant things do not go their way, they are on the floor crying. I am the same way. I truly am no different than my little boys. I can be having a wonderful day. Then the instant something happens that I had not planned for, my day can be ruined.

2:13-14, "For God is working in you, giving you the desire to obey Him and the power to do what pleases Him. In everything you do, stay away from complaining and arguing..."
As soon as I understand that I do not have a schedule and that my schedule is really God's schedule, my days go much smoother. I am not here to live a selfish life. I am here to live for God and His desire for me in my life. In order to accomplish this, I must be willing to get my plan interrupted. If I am working for Him; then He is my boss; and if He is my boss and He wants to change the agenda for the day, who am I to argue and complain to my boss. If I worked this way in my paying job for a man, I would not have that paying job for very long. This is how God sees our arguing and complaining. We are arguing and complaining to our boss.

When Jason comes in and asks me to do something completely different than I had already had planned; who am I to argue? Now sometimes I tell him that I cannot, because he did not know that I had something else in mind. But this does not mean that no matter what I keep my schedule. There are times that what he needs is more important than what I had already planned. If I complain and argue with my husband, I am not doing this against him, but against God. For in reality all complaining and arguing is not against humans, but against Christ. When we step back and look at it through this perspective; we may stop all griping.

As children of God we are called to a higher standard. 2:14-3:11, "You are to live clean, innocent lives as children of God... I will rejoice, and I want to share my joy with all of you. And you should be happy about this and rejoice with me... We put no confidence in human effort. Instead, we boast about what Christ Jesus has done for us... I no longer count on my own goodness or my ability to obey God's law, but I trust Christ to save me..." As children of God we are to stop complaining and arguing about things "we" want. We are to be full of joy, no matter what situation we find ourselves. It is not about being happy, but having joy. Joy is that inner peace that keeps us calm and gives us the ability to see things through the eyes of God. What does He want me to do today. It really is not about me...

Sex, Enjoy the Difference

For several years now, I have been on a journey for information. I have suffered so much in my own ignorance, that now I know, I do not know everything. I love learning more and leaning on other people's experience and study. Part of this learning path has been DVR. Many people hate TV, because they do not use it for God's glory, but there are many things on TV that glorify our Lord. You just have to be willing to lay aside your flesh and discover Christ, yes through TV. Two of the programs that I record and watch often are: Ed Young TV; Jimmy and Karen Evans, Marriage Today. These are the programs that I am relying on for some of my writings today.

Often times, people get married and instantly become lazy. One of the most destructive and self blinding things in a marriage is selfishness. People become lazy, because they become selfish. They become self centered, because they become selfish. You hear them say, "he/she disrespects me." If we want a horrible marriage, we need to concentrate on getting respect. A good marriage revolves around giving respect. We are called to marriage, because He wants us to become more like Him. In becoming more like Him, we become less selfish. Jason and I have both been some of the most selfish, self centered people. We spent several years trying to get respect. In this we were constantly offended, because the other was constantly disrespecting us. When we were looking at the other person, and what they were not doing, we suffered. God never tells us to judge another's heart, yet in marriage we feel we have a right to judge the other. Jesus never said, you wash my feet, but He did say to wash the other's.

Another way to look into marriage is the difference between the sexes. Men and women were created different. Many people concentrate on these differences and despise the other person for being different. God created men and women differently for a reason and we need to learn to cherish these differences. In looking back to the different roles we were created to fulfil, we can understand these differences and see them as valuable.

Men were created to be more emotionally detached. Looking back several hundred years... Men were expected to give protection, many times by killing, for their families. If they were made to be full of emotion, then how could they provide for their families. They had to go out, kill to eat, and kill to protect. Then we get upset with them because emotions do not come easy for them. Yet God created them to gain emotional connectedness through sex. But we women do not want to have sex because we have not connected with them emotionally. God created their sex drive so that after they provided and protected they would return to their wives. That is the magnet that keeps them coming home.

Women were created to be the care takers of the home and to give their family the emotional support they need. We have a role of emotionally connecting our family. After our husband has been gone all day working, we are to connect him emotionally with us and our children. Men get upset, because women in general do not have as high of a sex drive. This sex drive is a creation that God created to protect the marriage. If women had as high of a sex drive as men, the alone hours at home would overwhelm her and she would go out seeking sex from other men.

We have to look at things from God's point of view. He created us to serve the other person. He calls us give respect, not demand it for ourselves. He created my husband to protect and provide for our family. He created me to give my family the emotional stability that they need. He created me to help my husband connect emotionally, with all of us. He gave both of us a sexual desire in order to make that connection. If I am constantly looking at what I need, I will miss the wonderful creation that God gave to me. Once I took my concentration off of myself, and started giving my husband what he needed from me, everything started getting better. Once he stopped focusing on what he wanted and started looking at what I needed, every thing started getting better. We both are very satisfied with our marriage, because we stopped looking at our marriage with a limited perspective. Sex is part of this. God created sex to be a wonderful connection in marriage, mess with that and no one can have a wonderful sex life.

Lovers

My husband is my lover. When I read Song of Songs, I do not think of someone else; I do not regret the thought of my lover; I get excited about my marriage. (6:3), "I am my lover's, and my lover is mine." God created marriage, not just for two people living together raising children, but to be physically enjoyable for both. How I pray, my husband will always delight in me and I in him.

Young woman: "Kiss me again and again, for your love is sweeter than wine. How fragrant your cologne, and how pleasing your name... The king is lying on his couch, enchanted by the fragrance of my perfume. My lover is like a sachet of myrrh lying between my breasts...He brings me to the banquet hall, so everyone can see how much he loves me... His left hand is under my head, and his right hand embraces me... I am my lover's, and my lover is mine... I am my lovers, the one he desires. Come, my love... Quick! Catch all the little foxes before they ruin the vineyard of your love,... Place me like a seal over your heart, or like a seal on your arm. For love is as strong as death, and its jealousy is as enduring as the grave. Love flashes like fire, the brightest kind of flame. Promise me, O women of Jerusalem...Not to awaken love until the time is right... I am chaste, and I am now full breasted. And my lover is content with me."

Young Man: "Yes, compared to other women, my beloved is like a lily among thorns... Let me see you; let me hear your voice. For your voice is pleasant, and you are lovely... You have ravished my heart, my treasure, my bride... How sweet is your love, my treasure, my bride! How much better it is than wine! Your perfume is more fragrant than the richest of spices. Your lips, my bride, are as sweet as honey. Yes, honey and cream are under your tongue. ...You are like a private garden, my treasure, my bride! ...You are a garden fountain, a well of living water, as refreshing as the streams... Look away, for your eyes overcome me! There may be (hundreds of other women). But I would still choose my dove, my perfect one... The young women are delighted when they see her... Oh, how delightful you are, my beloved; how pleasant for utter delight! ...O my beloved, linger in the gardens, how wonderful that your companions can listen to your voice. Let me hear it, too!"

How I delight in my lover, my husband. I try my best to be a living well for his enjoyment. Do you see, how much the man enjoys his wife's companionship? Not just because of her looks, but what comes out of her mouth. Her words are as sweet as honey, they refresh his life. (Proverbs 21:9, 19), She is not a crabby complaining woman, who he runs from. She is a woman that even the other women enjoy! Proverbs 31, "Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is worth more than precious rubies. Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She will not hinder him but help him all her life... She is energetic and strong... When she speaks, her words are wise, and kindness is the rule when she gives instructions."

My heart leaps with joy when I hear my husband call my name, he has proven himself to me. He has taken his vows to me (Ephesians 5:25ff) seriously and he has covered me with his love. Genesis 2:24, "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave (cling to, adhere, stick fast, to be faithful) unto his wife." My lover pursues me with all of his energy. He works for my love. We work together, in our marriage, for our marriage. Neither one is lazy. Our marriage is work and we reap of wonderful harvest because of this. If you have a marriage that is suffering, look to yourself and what is your contribution. There is never only one side to the story. Are you willing to work for your lover, without complaint? Are you willing to lay your own desires aside and cleave unto your spouse? Are you putting your marriage first, and working for your lover? Do they sense your attraction for them, or do they no longer experience your love? Put your lover first, no matter what. Work for your marriage. Make love with your lover, in everything you do throughout the day.

White Funeral

I feel like I have been in divorce recovery/marriage counseling from God, these past few months. I was asked to be in a community play called "The X." In this play my character is stranded in a small airport terminal. Only to discover, that her ex husband is the only other person there with her. In the play I have to play the role of a woman who does not want anything to do with her ex husband. She does not want to talk to him; look at him; or think about him. Her heart is hard and she does not want to discuss their previous life. He on the other hand, wants to talk things out. He is still trying to justify the divorce and feels the need to talk. He feels this is his perfect opportunity to close the door on some past regrets.

Honestly, this has been crazy. I did not try out for the part. The person who wrote the play, called my husband and asked him if I would be interested in the part. I of coarse, felt like God was calling me to the play, but with no idea of why. I think I am beginning to understand why I needed to do this.

This whole process has been an emotional roller coaster for me. I truly did not expect this. In order to play my character, I had to visit past feelings and express them in front of everyone. But the feelings that I have had to express are nothing like the feelings that I have toward my ex husband. My character is still full of rage and anger toward her ex husband. My feelings are feelings of regret about my part in our failed marriage. I wouldn't yell at my ex. I would tell him how truly sorry I am for my failures. Now that I have been able to step back and see my contribution to our divorce, I have many regrets. So, with the play, I have been able to come full circle with my emotions and dealings with my divorce.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, January 15; "No one experiences complete sanctification without going through a "white funeral" -the burial of the old life. If there has never been this crucial moment of change through death, sanctification will never be more than an elusive dream. There must be a "white funeral"... Have you really come to your last days? You have often come to them in your mind, but have you really experienced them? You cannot die or go to your funeral in a mood of excitement. Death means you stop being. You must agree with God and stop being the intensely striving kind of Christian you have been. We refuse the ceremony and continually refuse our own death..."

I feel like I have been at my funeral for the past couple of months. I have had to dive into my feelings and search them through, til I am sick of searching them. I am tired of crying. I am tired of thinking about my failures. I am tired of searching ways to express this other woman's feelings. I have come full circle with this whole divorce issue and I truly want to put it to death. I know that I will never be "that" person again. I do not want to relate and feel her pain any longer. It is time for the Resurrection! I thought I had this, but obviously God saw my heart differently.

In holding on to my regrets, I thought I was being true to myself and to God. What I have discovered is that in holding on to my past regrets, I have not been able to truly experience the Resurrection that He offers. I have been called by God. He does things differently than I would. "The call is the expression of the nature of the One who calls, and we can only recognize the call if that same nature is in us. The call of God is the expression of God's nature, not ours. God providentially weaves the threads of His call through our lives, and only we can distinguish them." In order to hear His call, we must be willing to walk through death and return to a new life. The only true life that His death can offer.