Hole in your Heart

Genesis 29:31ff, "When the Lord saw that Leah was unloved, He enabled her to have children, but Rachel could not conceive. So Leah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Reuben, for she said, “The Lord has noticed my misery, and now my husband will love me.” She soon became pregnant again and gave birth to another son. She named him Simeon, for she said, “The Lord heard that I was unloved and has given me another son.” Then she became pregnant a third time and gave birth to another son. She named him Levi, for she said, “Surely this time my husband will feel affection for me, since I have given him three sons!” Once again Leah became pregnant and gave birth to another son. She named him Judah, for she said, “Now I will praise the Lord!” And then she stopped having children."

Since the curse, women have been looking to the wrong place to find their love and fulfillment. We turn to a man, instead of God. Leah had a hard start with her marriage from the beginning. Jacob was deceived when he married her. Leah spent all of her energy trying to gain the love of a man, who did not love her in return. This happens all of the time. Just recently, I heard about a young girl getting pregnant and thinking that her boyfriend would love her now. Nothing would separate them, for now she was going to have his child. Women do this with their husbands all of the time. I have done it with both of my husbands. We beg and plead with them in different ways, trying to gain their attention and their constant approval. We become this crazy, needy, nagging woman that will never be satisfied. We start ragging with jealousy about anything that draws away our husbands attention. Then we say, "but if he would just do what he needs to do and love me, then I would not act this way." Really! Rachel had all of that, but it is never enough. "When Rachel saw that she wasn’t having any children for Jacob, she became jealous of her sister. She pleaded with Jacob, 'Give me children, or I’ll die!'” ,(30:1).

It wasn't until Leah said, "Now I will praise the Lord!” It was then that she finally received some peace, for she finally turned her attention to God. She stopped searching for her husband to fill her longing and she finally relaxed with her Lord. God was blessing her and giving her what she needed. If she could have kept that attention there, she could have found peace there. But, all too often our constant want for our husband drives us back to craziness. The worst mistakes I have ever made in my life, were the ones I made trying to win my husband's attention and approval. We go crazy while we are looking at a man to satisfy us. We become this ugly, bitter, needy, unappreciative, constantly driven woman that no man would ever want. Why we think our husbands would want us, is all part of the craziness.

Learning to look to God for my satisfaction has been a constant struggle for me. Sometimes it is a matter of just biting my tongue, holding back what I really want to say, till the feeling passes. During this time, I must be cautious of my actions so that my face does not say what I am forcing my tongue not to say. It is work, seeking my Lord's love and not constantly looking to my husband to fill that place. I know that no man can ever give me what my God can. At times I forget this. It is in those moments that I feel the most strife in my marriage. When I direct the right attention and the right wanting in the right place, this is when I am the most satisfied. Everyone gives excuses, "But if he would do... Then I would be happy." That is a lie that Satan uses to keep you in your misery. That man will never fill you. No man can. That hole in your heart, only God can fill it. That hole started in the garden. That was a place designed for you and God alone. When you look at your husband, look at him and realize that he is fallen too. He is not, nor ever will be the perfect man that will always meet your every need. He can't. Who are you looking to, to fill that hole in your heart?