My Biggest Mistake

The other day I put a post on FB that asked others, "What is my biggest mistake."  I had some responses that said things like pride, jealousy, laziness, naive, self pity, addiction, with a few colorful remarks that made me smile as well.  While I may have all of these things as part of my character these are not my biggest mistakes.  My biggest mistake has really never been some thing that I have done.  It is not a lie, cheating, divorce, sex or drugs.  No my biggest mistake still haunts me.  I still fear my biggest mistake.  I am not afraid of going out and doing drugs again.  I am not afraid of being tempted in a bar to get wasted and go home with some random guy.  I am not afraid of.... you fill in that one.  I am not afraid of many things.  I'm getting too old. I'm a wife and a mother and I hope that my walk with God has brought me past that.  I have grown with Him and I am no longer haunted by the same things that used to haunt me.  And besides all of those things really only involve me.  I am not afraid of most all things that only involve me and my personal struggles.  No the thing that I consider as my biggest mistake, that thing that still drives me because I never want to become that again... Enabler. 

If you look enable up in the dictionary or the thesaurus you will find words like empower, approve, and  facilitate.  All of these words seem very good, but sometimes your greatest strength may cause the most destruction.  I hope now that I can use my greatest strength to bring others up, but there was a time when my greatest strength was a tool to bring others down.  Let me give you the best and easiest example I have... my ex-husband...

In my previous marriage I was my husbands biggest enemy.  It all started with simple little things.  He didn't want to go to church.  Well I really didn't want to either, so we didn't.  He wanted to play music full time, so I came up with the idea of living in a camper at the KOA.  He quit his day job and we lived very cheaply.  I'm not going to bore you with more details that you already know.  I'm the one to blame for I did not hold to a higher standard in my life.  I brought that standard down and became his enabler, his dealer, his.... fill in that blank... I became his "sin".  

In Deuteronomy 4 Moses is giving his farewell speech to Israel.  He is calling them to remember.  He is  reminding them that they are to follow God so that others will want to follow them.  So they can help become part of the redeeming factor of the world.  They were designed to be a vehicle to reach other nations.  With our limited view, it may not look like this is what their ultimate job was, but remember "God so loved the world that He gave His one and only son" ... 
“But watch out! Be careful never to forget what you yourself have seen. Do not let these memories escape from your mind as long as you live! And be sure to pass them on to your children and grandchildren.  Never forget the day when you stood before the Lord your God..."(4:9,10).

My biggest strength is also my biggest mistake.  I never again want to enable destruction in someone else's life.  I am not responsible for what they do Oswald explains this nicely, but I do not want it to be known that because of how I acted in their life they are now destroyed.  "If a child gives in to selfishness, he will find it to be the most enslaving tyranny on earth. There is no power within the human soul itself that is capable of breaking the bondage of the nature created by Yielding."  

The challenge for me now is to know how to love others as they are, but not to enable them to continue on as they want to be.  It is about coming up higher to how He originally created us to be.  For we are the apple, the little maiden, the little man of His eye.   I am not responsible for others behavior like an amateur providence... and amateur is all that I would be.  It was my own selfish desires that allowed me to enable that same fault in others.  In holding myself to a higher standard, I hope I can enable others in a good way this time.  This is my time. My time to allow my greatest mistake to become my greatest strength, just like He originally intended!