Insensitivity to Pain

Have you ever wanted this life to be painless? I have. I have wanted to go through life with no pain at all. Life hurts and that makes things hard, but I've heard of something that makes life harder, CIPA, congenital insensitivity to pain. It is a rare genetic disorder that prevents a person from feeling any amount of severe pain. They can feel warmth, but not severe heat; cold, but not severe cold. They can feel a pin prick, but not a knife spear. As I have read about this genetic disorder, I can be more grateful for the blessings of pain in my life. I am also more aware of how I have tried to shut my receptors off so that I did not hurt nearly as bad. We seem to all do this to some accord. We do not want to see life for how it truly is, so we hide behind something. Anything.

"Don’t you remember how you used to just exist? Corpses, dead in life,buried by transgressions,  wandering the course of this perverse world. You were the offspring of the prince of the power of air—oh, how he owned you, just as he still controls those living in disobedience. I’m not talking about the outsiders alone; we were all guilty of falling headlong for the persuasive passions of this world; we all have had our fill of indulging the flesh and mind, obeying impulses to follow perverse thoughts motivated by dark powers. As a result, our natural inclinations led us to be children of wrath, just like the rest of humankind.
But God, with the unfathomable richness of His love and mercy focused on us, united us with the Anointed One and infused our lifeless souls with life..." (Ephesians 2:1-4).

It seems as though I have walked through life wanting to avoid any pain, but do we ever really stop and think that maybe there is a gift in pain.  Ashlyn is a young girl who feels no pain.  Her family is in constant awareness that Ashlyn is in an ever present danger.  Her mother's constant prayer for her daughter is that she will be able to feel pain.  As a child, children with CIPA are self mutilators. They chew off their tongue, break bones without knowing it, put their hands in fire without feeling the effects.  This list of self mutilation continues until the children grow older and are taught to see the effects.  They do not know that jumping off of a roof can hurt/kill them and often, especially for boys, it is too late when they find out.  Life is very complicated without the guidance of pain.

Our youth and young adults are getting bombarded with the lies that "pain is bad." They are being taught to shut down some of their receptors that they are born with and live a life of self-mutilation. "Go and have sex with whomever you choose," they are told. "You need to experiment and see what is out there.... drink, smoke, who cares? As long as your not hurting anyone else it is fine." We are no longer teaching them to empathize, have sympathy for others, or to look at what they are doing to their hearts. We are teaching them to "do it again", until there is no feeling left. This is a glorious life of meaning, but it is not without tears.  It is hard to set aside those instant impulses of desire and look at what is truly best for us.  However, there is another side.  

Some of us live in the lie of self condemnation.  We take everything to the extreme of self judgement and feel the burden of imperfection. We feel responsible for every little infraction that occurs around us and walk around with gloom on our shoulders.  We have allowed fear to keep us from experiencing life.  We look at the "Ashlyn's" around us and secretly want a piece of their life.  They seem to have daringly gone out and experienced life.  We focus on their stories and want their adventures without pain. Painless seems good until we discover what it has taken for them to get to where they are. It is in looking closely that we can see, that seemingly protected heart is only a fragment left of a heart that has been plundered and ripped until their is only a callous left of its broken piece.  Neither extreme is a life lived, but "corpses, dead in life, buried by transgressions, wandering the course of this perverse world." Jesus did not come so that the bad would be good, but so that the dead shall live.  

We are all in the need of a Savior. We have a tendency to focus our attention to the "bad" and try to make them "good."  Is this fair?  I see "good" people walking around all of the time as dead corpses because they have no joy, but rules in this life. They have been afraid of others, and what they think. Neither extreme is good.  We need to be able to look at life and make good decisions for ourselves that bring good consequences, but we need to be able to have the right heart in this. I have changed my desires, because I have fallen in love with my life, because I have fallen in love with my Lord.  It is not because of pain, it has its place, but it is not the reason.  It took me years to start feeling again. That came out of obedience, before I could feel.  The reason I live the way I do is because through others I felt the true love of Christ.  Now it is my turn.  I live as I do because He loved me first and in turn I am to live my life in love with others and in the truth that sets us all free.

"He did this for a reason: so that for all eternity we will stand as a living testimony to the incredible riches of His grace and kindness that He freely gives to us by uniting us with Jesus the Anointed." Ephesians 2:7

Adventure

The fall of a great man!  How do we keep our wits about us?  How do we encourage those around us to remain true and keep their life?  What is "sin"?  These are just some of the questions that I have been asked, and some of what I will attempt to answer now.

In 2 Samuel we see David.  This is the first part of his downward spiral.  We all have them!  We don't talk much about his failure, we always sum it up with his "heart".  But I want to talk about this from a woman's perspective.  So here I go...
Bathsheba, she is on her roof where she can have a private moment of bathing.  Her husband, who is a great honorable man, is off to battle for the king.  She has just finished her monthly period and is now wanting to be clean.  Ah, it is her time.  She is unaware of someone watching her.  A man who has stayed back and has awaken from a nap in the middle of the day.  He is looking upon her with great want and sends for her. When she hears the knock on her door it startles her, but thinks nothing of it.  "The king wants to see me! Could it be my husband?  Could it be...?"  She couldn't think.  She got her appropriate clothes on and went with his servants, only to find him in want of her!  What could she do?  How could she not?  It is the king and she is only a woman at his mercy.  When he is finished with her, he sends her away.  Broken and terrified she goes to her home only to discover later that she is pregnant.
Then many years later there is another young girl, Tamar.  She is David's daughter who is wanted by her older half brother Amnon.  He tricks her and is enticed by her as she cooks for him her "sick" brother.  He grabs her and she begs him not do defile her in this way, but his strength is greater.  He rapes her.  Because he had had such want for her, his want became disgust.

This is just a small part of the story, but here is where I want to focus. These women are victims of a stronger mans desire. These are both women who share in a bigger story. Bathsheba goes through many hard times: getting raped, loss of a husband, a son, but she is later the mother of Solomon. Tamar is a victim to the core, but still maintains her integrity. "The narrator of Tamar's rape at the hands of her brother is told with a focus that emphasizes the male roles of the story: David, Amnon, and Absalom. "Even the poignancy of Tamar's humiliation is drawn out for the primary purpose of justifying Absalom's later murder of Amnon, and not for its own sake" (p. 5). In focusing on the story with Tamar, not the men, as the focal point, Cooper-White hopes to remind the readers that the lesson should come from the true victim; the female who was raped and not the men left to deal with the situation. She emphasizes "power-within" over "power-over." With "power-over," one's power is related to how many creatures one has dominion over. Tamar demonstrates the "power-within," or en-theos(God-within) by resisting as much as she could..." (White).

These women, even though they cannot see their story playing out, they do what is best in their time and keep their focus on what is important. No they do not see the whole story. But they remain true to their time, custom, and God. How are we playing out our role? How are we determining our future? Are we losing it in the moment to allow others to lose it in their's. What are we focusing on?

I have been asked by many different people the same question in different ways, but still the same point. "I wish I had sinned more when I could have. I no longer have the chance and see that I blew it." BLEW WHAT!!? Are you kidding me? David had at least 7 wives and countless concubines, do you think he regrets killing Uriah? Amnon died and created all kinds of trouble in his family, was it really worth it? Sin is relational infidelity. There are many relationships broken and lives destroyed by "Sin". But even though these men screwed up Royally, God and His story continues and over powers the powerful. He is faithful to his creation! If you wish to dive deeper into the story, you can find it beginning in 2 Samuel 11. I've left lots out, but I hope I'm clear about what I'm trying to say.

ADVENTURE is what we are often looking for, not Sin! Adventure is going out and discovering this world and all that is good. Have we had the adventures of a lifetime? Or are we living with Sin as a regret that is staining our tomorrows?

My Biggest Mistake

The other day I put a post on FB that asked others, "What is my biggest mistake."  I had some responses that said things like pride, jealousy, laziness, naive, self pity, addiction, with a few colorful remarks that made me smile as well.  While I may have all of these things as part of my character these are not my biggest mistakes.  My biggest mistake has really never been some thing that I have done.  It is not a lie, cheating, divorce, sex or drugs.  No my biggest mistake still haunts me.  I still fear my biggest mistake.  I am not afraid of going out and doing drugs again.  I am not afraid of being tempted in a bar to get wasted and go home with some random guy.  I am not afraid of.... you fill in that one.  I am not afraid of many things.  I'm getting too old. I'm a wife and a mother and I hope that my walk with God has brought me past that.  I have grown with Him and I am no longer haunted by the same things that used to haunt me.  And besides all of those things really only involve me.  I am not afraid of most all things that only involve me and my personal struggles.  No the thing that I consider as my biggest mistake, that thing that still drives me because I never want to become that again... Enabler. 

If you look enable up in the dictionary or the thesaurus you will find words like empower, approve, and  facilitate.  All of these words seem very good, but sometimes your greatest strength may cause the most destruction.  I hope now that I can use my greatest strength to bring others up, but there was a time when my greatest strength was a tool to bring others down.  Let me give you the best and easiest example I have... my ex-husband...

In my previous marriage I was my husbands biggest enemy.  It all started with simple little things.  He didn't want to go to church.  Well I really didn't want to either, so we didn't.  He wanted to play music full time, so I came up with the idea of living in a camper at the KOA.  He quit his day job and we lived very cheaply.  I'm not going to bore you with more details that you already know.  I'm the one to blame for I did not hold to a higher standard in my life.  I brought that standard down and became his enabler, his dealer, his.... fill in that blank... I became his "sin".  

In Deuteronomy 4 Moses is giving his farewell speech to Israel.  He is calling them to remember.  He is  reminding them that they are to follow God so that others will want to follow them.  So they can help become part of the redeeming factor of the world.  They were designed to be a vehicle to reach other nations.  With our limited view, it may not look like this is what their ultimate job was, but remember "God so loved the world that He gave His one and only son" ... 
“But watch out! Be careful never to forget what you yourself have seen. Do not let these memories escape from your mind as long as you live! And be sure to pass them on to your children and grandchildren.  Never forget the day when you stood before the Lord your God..."(4:9,10).

My biggest strength is also my biggest mistake.  I never again want to enable destruction in someone else's life.  I am not responsible for what they do Oswald explains this nicely, but I do not want it to be known that because of how I acted in their life they are now destroyed.  "If a child gives in to selfishness, he will find it to be the most enslaving tyranny on earth. There is no power within the human soul itself that is capable of breaking the bondage of the nature created by Yielding."  

The challenge for me now is to know how to love others as they are, but not to enable them to continue on as they want to be.  It is about coming up higher to how He originally created us to be.  For we are the apple, the little maiden, the little man of His eye.   I am not responsible for others behavior like an amateur providence... and amateur is all that I would be.  It was my own selfish desires that allowed me to enable that same fault in others.  In holding myself to a higher standard, I hope I can enable others in a good way this time.  This is my time. My time to allow my greatest mistake to become my greatest strength, just like He originally intended!

Cannabis Bliss, Truth and Lies

Romans 12:2, "Do not allow this world to mold you in its own image. Instead, be transformed from the inside out by renewing your mind." (The Voice Translation)

The other day I went into my favorite gas/burger joint. It is popular with many, mainly the college crowed. I walked in and ordered my families meal. While waiting for our take out, I decided to do a little reading. There is a magazine rack that blocks most other people from your view. This was perfect since I was in my polka dot fluffy sweat pants, an old t-shirt and the place was packed. As all of you know Marijuana is legal in Colorado. The magazine rack was 2/3rds full of magazines like High Times, Skunk, Cannabis Culture, but I landed on Treat Yourself. They were featuring an article on MS and Cannabis. I took the magazine, grabbed a chair, hid behind the rack and began reading. The article was very informative as it discussed how MS affects you neurologically and I was agreeing with everything, especially how vitamin D helps heal you. Then as the patient began talking about Cannabis, I began going "there". I love weed! I love to get high and allow myself to zone out. Throughout my drug years, I found nothing I liked more than marijuana.  X, ACID, popping whatever pills anyone gave me, the one I enjoyed most was this green herb.

I was lost for a moment in the "I have what it takes to really get me some again. And really who is going to challenge me on this one. I have all the material sitting right in front of me to help me with my case!" Then I rounded the corner to the last paragraph of the article and quickly I snapped back to reality. The "patient" began talking about how Cannabis helps him with his moods. How without it he is naturally cranky because of his condition, and this helps him better cope so that he can be a more productive family member and cannabis helps him enjoy all of them more. With that the lie was revealed! I have walked this pathway before and I know what marijuana does to you emotionally. That is the side effect that he did not understand why people don't talk about more often, because in his fog, he does not see that it is actually the weed that makes you a miserable wreck when you don't have it. If you are ever around a pot smoker, you will see that they are extremely touchy unless they are high. It does not help them get their natural emotions under control. It actually causes them to become more sensitive and the withdraws from not being high causes them to be, well, impossible.

Mixed with some truth, there was a lie. Being able to decipher truth from the lie that was told takes knowledge. With me it happens to be personal experience, in this case, I am not saying to try! Now I do not want to take all the time in the world to tell you all about the side effects and all that happens with marijuana. This topic really isn't about weed and I am not trying to pick a fight with a bunch of pot heads. I am saying that we all need to be aware when we are letting ourselves go "there". We can so easily be swept away with the truth of a subject, then when the truth gets mixed with lies, we just may believe them too. "Do not allow this world to mold you in its own image. Instead, be transformed from the inside out by renewing your mind."

We all have something that lures us into wanting to justify what we want. We have those moments of justification, all because we wanted to act that way or do that thing, whatever it is. There s something that entices us to treat others poorly, because "we were hurt." We need to disappear in front of the TV and ignore our families (every day/all night) because "we have had a long day and we need a break." The hard part is deciphering the truth. What is it that I am giving up in order to this thing? Who is not getting my full love? Who am I really?

"Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good.  Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.  Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically.  Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying.  When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality," (12:9-13).

As we walk through the day there are going to be many things that seem right to us in the moment.  If we will keep a clear mind and truly look at what we hear, we will be able to see the truth.  Not all lies are easily seen, because they are mixed with truth.  If there wasn't some form of truth mixed in, no one would believe the lie.  God calls us to use our minds.  He does not want us walking around like zombies just going with the flow of the moment.  He calls us to be intellectual, using well what He has gifted us with.  The hard part is taking a really close look within our own hearts and seeing the truth about what we want and are giving up in order to get it.  I do not want to give up true intimacy with my family in order to have what I desire.  If I will keep a clear mind, I will be able to do what my heart truly seeks.  I will be able to have relationships that last and I will be a positive influence on others around me.... And if I will take a truthful look into my true hearts desire, that is what I truly want.  I do not want to settle for something that will leave my heart impotent, but full!  

Shhh, Can you hear Him?

I love to discover new things. Don't you! You think you know and understand something then, Bam. There it is. Something new.

All over Paul's writing he is constantly saying how bad of a sinner he is. I have always had some difficulty with this. Yes, he killed people, but his heart was zealous for God. He may have done wrong, but as far as I could tell, he at least had the right motives. Bam, no... maybe not!!

Acts 22, " “I am a Jew, born in Tarsus, a city in Cilicia, and I was brought up and educated here in Jerusalem under Gamaliel. As his student, I was carefully trained in our Jewish laws and customs. I became very zealous to honor God in everything I did....‘But Lord,’ I argued, ‘they certainly know that in every synagogue I imprisoned and beat those who believed in you. And I was in complete agreement when your witness Stephen was killed. I stood by and kept the coats they took off when they stoned him.’"


There it is. It is very easily overlooked, never noticed, but there it is. All of the answers are in Gamaliel, his teacher. Earlier in Acts 5 we can see part of what Gamaliel was like. Peter and the Apostles had been taken to jail, they had started an uproar because of their teaching. Some of the Jewish leaders were furious and wanted to kill them, then we learn of Gamaliel. "But one member, a Pharisee named Gamaliel, who was an expert in religious law and respected by all the people, stood up and ordered that the men be sent outside the council chamber for a while. Then he said to his colleagues, 'Men of Israel, take care what you are planning to do to these men!' ... 'my advice is, leave these men alone. Let them go. If they are planning and doing these things merely on their own, it will soon be overthrown. But if it is from God, you will not be able to overthrow them. You may even find yourselves fighting against God!'”


It is after Gamliel's words concerning these men that we find Paul holding the coats in approval of Stephen's stoning (7). What if the whole time Paul was doing what he was doing and hearing this most respected mans words, "if it is from God, you will not be able to overthrow them. You may even find yourselves fighting against God!” And this is why he was so heart broken about what he had done. He knew! He knew he shouldn't be doing what he was, and yet he kept doing it. What if, inside he wasn't killing for God, but while he was standing in the crowd at Stephen's stoning he became hi with the rush of the crowd and that was what he was seeking from then on. Man's approval, that very addictive calling. The yelling that can drown out the whispers of the Holy Spirit, our conscience.


We all do this in some form. We drown out our conscience so that we can continue to do what We want. Many of us, from childhood, we have trained ourselves Not to listen. Some of us, have been practicing this for so long we have almost completely hushed our inner voice concerning "this" area of our life. We don't want to hear. We silence this voice telling us, "No, don't go there... Keep quiet here... Don't pick that up..." The times we choose not to listen, the list can go on and on. It is a practice of moment by moment silencing. This is when our own desires get skewed and we can no longer determine what is from God and what is it that is really our own desire.


So how do you turn on your listening heart's ear when you have silenced it for so long? I don't know how everyone should do this, but I can tell you how I have been trying to retrain myself.


My big one started when I was taken out of my past marriage. I allowed others, whom I respected, to guide me into what I was supposed to do. Now I didn't always get it right, I still don't, but I was trying to retrain my actions to follow what I was told. My conscience voice had become skewed with my desire voice, so I needed others to look into my life and help me see truth. I asked others about everything. *(Now if you are already a people pleaser, this is not for you.) I needed help though, and just praying about it myself was never going to do the trick. I had to retrain my actions. I still go to others often, but after years of retraining, I am better at discerning my desires from His voice. It is a process. I had not stifled my conscience over night and the retraining of my listening ear did not happen over night either. One of the best tools that I have is still my bible. I have developed a practice of looking at God's instructions for other people's lives through the stories told, then applying those lessons to my own life. Every morning I get up way before the sun has risen and focus my listening ear toward Him. I have surrounded myself with people whom I respect and I listen to them closely. I have changed how I choose to live and with this life change, I have changed on the inside. And with this, I live free.


We need to hear. We all need to heed what we hear. The more I learn about God the more I see how much He truly loves me. The more I learn about Him, the more I see my own worth and value. His lessons, His desire's are for my best. He wants the best for my life. If I will learn to listen, I will have a good life wherever I go. It is in my own heart that I can see my true desires for my life. He has given everyone the blessings of our conscience. Are we willing to listen and obey what we hear? That is always the question, moment by moment...

Sin's False Love

Buzz words, those words we hear and use everyday. Words that describe where we are in life, where we have been and what we see in others.  Buzz words.  Every year some men come to our college campus holding signs with "Jesus" written on them.  They are proclaiming His love, while shouting out at the students that they are all sinners.  They hit the town, stir up all kinds of animosity and drive away that very day.  Boom, then  gone.
I have been studying a book by Jim McGuiggan, "The Dragon Slayer".  In this book he talks about what sin is.  We all know that God is against sin.  "Whatever else 'sin' is, it is relational infidelity--first and foremost it is against God himself.... Sin is a reality he cannot, will not live at peace with under any circumstances."  We all know He is against sin, but do we know why.  Those men are not telling those students anything new.  They are shouting at them about consequences they do not understand.  If you do not understand the why behind the reaction, if you do not understand the intense love, your mind and heart will have a very hard time accepting the rules.  "But there's anther face of Sin that moves God to deal with it.  He also sees it as a power that destroys his beloved, enslaves his children and cheats them out of the fullness of life he longs to bless them with.  And it deprives him of the joy he finds in their love for him.  God is not only holy, he is a holy lover and that too is what moves him against Sin."

I have been married two times.  I am going to use my life, my two marriages as examples.  These are examples of how we choose to be with God or not.  In these examples I am in no way attacking my ex-husband.  I am in no way saying that my husband now has done no wrong.  We are called to be living examples, this is a living example, only.
Sin was his name... I loved him.  I enjoyed him.  I thought that by marrying him, my problems would be over. I thought Sin would save me from myself.  Los Vegas was our destination.  On our way our friends tried to stop us.  They tried to tell us not to get married like this, but my mind was made up.  I wanted my husband.  We arrived, walked into the Graceland Wedding Chapel, and one of our friends walked me down the isle.  I heard the Chaplin ask, "Who gives this woman away in marriage?"
"I the Dark lord of the universe," was his resounding reply.  And that was it.  I was given away in marriage by the dark lord of the universe in Sin City. I had ultimately made my choice, I married Sin and my soul was sold into a bondage I had never expected.  Sin was so much fun to be married to.  He was adventurous, and wild.  He would make my heart pound with  his untamed spirit, but there was something about Sin that had me so confused.  In one aspect, he would pronounce his undying love for me, but on the other he would beat me down and make me cower beneath his size as he railed against me.  I was in pain and he would pass me the bong, our drug, telling me to take my medicine.  He kept me a prisoner with his continual feeding of what was ultimately killing me.  "Sin becomes part of us; it shapes us, infects us, pollutes us and paralyzes us."

The great confession.  I hit my knees.  My heart, mind, body and spirit had been broken.  What I thought would give me freedom and life was slowly helping me to vanish.  I cried out to God and He in His undying love took me under the shelter of His wings and gave me a new life.  He allowed me to see Him and feel Him by giving me my "savior".  Savior, was his name... The third day after I had met him, I knew he was not for me.  So, in order to run him away, I told him everything bad about me, everything I had ever done.  He didn't run.  His exact words were, "I think I am here to help you heal."  That was it and one year later we were married.  But I was broken, Sin had changed who I was.  Three years after I had committed my life to Savior, I finally told him in all honesty, "I am in love with you."  The healing of a wounded heart had taken place and I was finally falling in love with my life, myself, my husband, my Savior.

This is such a huge part of Christianity that is not thoroughly explained.   It is not just about following rules and living "right", it is all about relationship.  My God is a Holy Lover and He does not want to share me with anyone, especially not Sin.  He knows that Sin is constantly trying to come into our relationship and break it with an affair.  Sin is trying to tear apart what God intended from the beginning.  "It is because he, God, is holy that the only life he can offer is life that has loving holiness at the heart of it.  Those who rejoice in life with him must be holy because he is holy.  He who would love and live with God will have to settle for the only God there is and he is holy!... He makes the move to honor himself but as the scripture insist, he honors himself by redeeming the sinner whom he loves."  I am the bride of Christ and I am so honored that he wants to protect and love me where I am.  He sets himself up against Sin who wants to hurt me.  He does not condemn me.  He loves me and chooses to help me regain who he mean me to be in the first place.  He is my Holy Lover.

Psalm 107, "Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good! His faithful love endures forever. Has the Lord redeemed you? Then speak out! Tell others he has redeemed you from your enemies.

The Great, "What If?"

"Wake", it is 1am.... "Try to sleep.  You must sleep..." 4am, "You cannot get up yet," I tell myself.  4:20, "Not yet, you must rest." 5:15, "Now, now you can  get up."
Coffee is brewed.  Blanket is waiting.  I get my things together and head for the front porch.  "Oh God, quiet my mind.  Still my heart." Psalm 91, is the only thing that I can remember.  "Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.  This I declare about the Lord: He alone is MY refuge, MY place of safety;  He is MY God, and I trust Him...." I recite this over and over again.  Now I am ready to hear.  I am ready to walk this thing out, not in fear, not in the great "what if?", but in knowing that I know Who My God is and I trust Him!
It is still too dark to open my bible just yet, so I grab my phone.  I go the Ravi app and open yesterday's reading that I never really got a chance to finish. Who am I kidding?  I read the first two lines yesterday and was never  able to read any more.  But today, I read, The Risk of Obedience.

In this walk with God there are no sure things.  He never says, "Here do this and this will happen.  If you will do exactly what I say, then I will bring you great things."  He never says this.  In fact, the only thing He promises is that it is going to be hard, you will find yourself alone many times, But that He Is God and He Is Good. 

My heart has been very heavy over one certain situation that I have been involved with for, man, quite some time.  For over a year, God has been bringing to my attention one certain situation and has been asking me to respond out of obedience.  I have been avoiding it like the plague.  Here recently, He has thrown it in my face and said, "Are you going to obey me or Not?"
"Yes," must be my final reply.  I know I must, but that does not stop my fear from creeping in and overwhelming my heart and interrupting my rest.   The great "What if?"  What if, others see what I do and think that I am being unkind?  What if, I am seen as unloving?  What if, everything backfires and nothing comes out the way that I think it will.  What if.... What if.... What if??!!

"There is a risk to following God, a risk to obedience. But as God declared to Joshua, it was declared again by his Son, 'I will never leave you or forsake you.' The Christian is invited to seize God's promises knowing that she won't know the outcome of her days, but that God himself is more certain than anything else. In risk and in suffering, uncertainty and disappointment we are assured and instructed by the same words given to Joshua. As he weighed the risk involved in seizing God's promise, Joshua was told: 'Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.' God asks us to boldly follow and then carries us through the risk."

 "This I declare about the Lord: He alone is MY refuge, MY place of safety;  He is MY God, and I trust Him."  It is obvious that I must obey, but my strength to obey does not come from knowing the outcome, but in Me Knowing Who My God Is. 

"Okay, I am ready to hear."
I now open my bible to my marked, next reading.  Luke 17, "One day Jesus said to his disciples, 'There will always be temptations to sin, but what sorrow awaits the person who does the tempting!  It would be better to be thrown into the sea with a millstone hung around your neck than to cause one of these little ones to fall into sin.  So watch yourselves!  'If another believer sins, rebuke that person; then if there is repentance, forgive.  Even if that person wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and asks forgiveness, you must forgive.'”

No Way!  I see, I hear, I will obey.  You see my issue is that over a year ago I was asked to confront.  I Hate Having to Confront!!  "I've been there And I have done that," I keep saying to myself.  "Who am I to confront anyone!"  And yet, through the words of a dear friend, "You are the perfect one to be saying anything, simply because you have been there and done that."

It is for others who are following.  Others are watching what is happening on all aspects of the situation.  It is for the others who are being led astray by this person and by me if I do not obey.  This verse is going to turn around on me and I am going to be the one that this is talking about when He says, "but what sorrow awaits the person who does the tempting!"  For I will once again be this person!  I have been the temptress in this passage before.  I was leading others astray by my wild living.  I have written in my bible, "I was a temptress.  Oh God, help me to never be that again!"  But that is exactly what He is saying to me now.  If I do not obey, if I allow this to go on, What if He then says to me, "I called you to confront this situation.  You did not, and because of your disobedience, others were indirectly led astray by watching you Not confront!"


The Great, "What If?"  It does not really matter what happens.  It does not really matter how others respond to the situation.  All that really matters is, Did I obey?  Do I really believe who I say He is?  Do I really trust that He will work this whole thing out?  Am I really willing to risk everything for Him and His children?  I would like to say this whole situation is about this other person and their obedience, but it is not.  This is about me and my relationship with my God.  Am I going to put into practice what I preach?  Am I going to trust and obey, no matter what the outcome?  Do I really believe, "He alone is MY refuge, MY place of safety;  He is MY God, and I trust Him...."  Do I really believe this?  I now know that I do.  I will walk in obedience to Him, knowing that no matter what happens, He is my refuge, my safe place, my God and I Do Trust Him.  Do you?


8am, "Thank you God, I needed to hear this." Lessons From Royalty (pt, 2)

Karaoke Star

Last week I had a theme in my home.  Do you ever have themes that seem to keep appearing?  You know, that "something" that keeps coming up no matter where you are or what you are doing, that is a theme.  Our theme was obedience.  You see, Jason kept all of his Lego's and many other toys from when he was a child.  He kept most of them in their original boxes and the building instructions that go with each set.  When we brought them from his parents house we threw away most of the boxes and combined them together as one very large and obtrusive mass of Lego pieces.  He saved them as his gift for his son and he has already given many of them to him.  But here recently our youngest boy wants the pieces that build a city.  Now you must understand that not only did Jason keep all of his original Lego toys, but we have also bought our children new ones.  Lets just say, "We have tens of thousands of Lego's!"  Do you know what a mess this can make in our home?!  Our son wants to build a Lego home and he wants to start with ours!!  Jason already built the boys a Lego table in their room, a special place just for their enjoyment.  However, they cannot play there, it is covered with toys piled upon toys.  Solution, organize the Lego's.

Our youngest is just about to turn 7.  He is the one that is obsessed with the Lego's.  So this is what Jason told him almost a month ago, "Sort your Lego's by color.  Put the white ones in this bucket.  Put the red ones in this bucket.... and so on.  Once you have sorted the Lego's, I will give you the rest of what I have.  If you want all that I have to give you, you must show me that you are responsible enough to have them." 

We worked with our son.  We encouraged him.  We pleaded with him for three weeks to listen to us so that he could receive all that his father had to give him.  For three weeks this went on until that fateful day, Father's Day.  Jason wanted to take the family to see a movie, but the instructions were that in order to receive the prize the Lego clean up had to be completed.  The end result, the child was banished from playing with the Lego's he had already received and he is not going to get what his father had prepared for him.

The week of obedience.  During this week I had one line from a country music song singing within my mind.  I don't even listen to country music any more, but this song would not stop playing!  "She's a big star at Banana Joe's Bar where she sings karaoke every night."  Just this one line playing over and over like a skip on the CD.  Over and over.  I didn't get to the rest, I just landed on the truth of what we all do everyday, all of the time.  Our Father has a gift for us.  He has something that He saved for us before we were even born.  He has a plan for our future, a gift we can delight in.  But, we do not get past the moments of playing with what we see right in front of us.  We do not stay strong and we settle for something that is small.  We can still enjoy our time.  We can sing in a small bar with only a few people looking on, but the ultimate prize we throw away because the work just seems too much.  We want to play now, because the right now is all we can focus on.

We all do this, I do this.  I grab a large helping of sweets.  I know that in order to function tomorrow, in order to enjoy this life tomorrow, I have to be diligent with what I eat, but I don't.  I eat what is placed right in front of me.  I want that desert.  BUT I do not just take a simple bite to enjoy, I go into indulgence mode and fill my plate.  Then after that is over I sneak another bite or two from the refrigerator.  The next day, do I fill satisfied?  Do I fill energetic and ready to play with my kids?  Do I feel ready to get what needs to be done for the days agenda? Noo!  All I want to do is sleep.  Am I willing to give up everything God has planned for me over one simple indulgence?  I must be, I do it all of the time, but I do not want to. I want to get to the end of my time here with endurance.  I want to finish this life out with energy and a fire that cannot be extinguished.  I want to affect many people on this journey.  I want them all to see the life that I have sung.  I do not want to settle for being a karaoke star in some unknown bar.  I want my life to be a song the whole world can sing.  I want to be Christ's big star.  I want all of the plans that God has for my life.  I do not want to settle.  Do you?

Hebrews 12:1, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.  We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. "

What is your True Desire?

Something was brought to my attention the other day that I feel needs to be addressed. This is the question, "Is it okay for Christians to smoke marijuana?" This is a legitimate question. There are three local dispensaries right around us for medical marijuana. This is a question that many have for it seems that the government is now for marijuana, because they are selling it! So, I started searching. One of my favorite places for research is the blog, Evidence for God from Science. So much of my research on this topic comes from Richard Deem who is a brilliant scientist and professor. I am not going to go into the scientific research that he does. You can go to his blog and read all you want on the science of marijuana. In fact, I encourage you to do so. I am going to talk from my personal experience. So here we go...

When I think of smoking marijuana, or getting drunk, or taking other drugs that get in the way of my mind working as it should, I immediately think of my relationship with God and other people. Oh, yes those physical feelings that I experience in the moment of that high are alluring, but the consequences that come afterwards are what keeps coming to my mind. It is not really the detrimental consequences that I think of. It is the consequences of being able to have that relationship that I so desperately need from my God and others around me. "Jesus replied:‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your MIND.’ This is the first and greatest commandment.'" (Matthew 22:37). How are we loving our Lord, our God with all of our mind if we are blocking hearing Him with the things we place in us?

For me, in this time of my life, I no longer worry about the sexual consequences of sleeping with the wrong guy because I get drunk, or about any of the physical consequences that many war against when they are young. The consequences that keep my attention are the consequences that I see with my relationship with my God. My God is not just an opinion that I have. He is the center of my life and we have a very real relationship together. Why would I do something that would get in the way of this relationship? The only answer that I can come up with are these: I either do not really believe that I can have a true relationship with Him, or I do not really love Him as He has instructed me to love Him, or I am just too concerned about myself and what I want in that moment to really care about Him or about how I am affecting others around me. Basically, am I being selfish and just concerned about what I want in that moment. Not about the whole picture that God sees in every decision that I make in every moment.

“An opinion is a position you hold with a varied degree of intensity that merely voices your preference. A conviction is that which is rooted in your conscience. So that if you were to toy with your opinions you are going to be jossiling with your preferences. If you are going to toy with a conviction you are going to have to deal with your conscience before you altered it," (RZ, Convictions that conquered the world).

My God and what He expects from me is not just an opinion that I hold, but a conviction that has change my life forever. 2 Timothy 3:1-5, "People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, LOVERS OF PLEASURE RATHER THAN LOVERS OF GOD, having a form of godliness but denying its power." I cannot seek myself first, but Him and I know that when I allow myself to indulge in the physical pleasures of something that will alter my mind, then I know that my relationship with Him will be altered. I am not willing to give Him up. This is a conviction for me, not just an opinion. I have done my research. I have experienced this life with Him as my center. I know what I have and what I could loose.

I have found my freedom in Christ and through Him I choose to never be a slave to something that will control my life. I am a bond servant to my Lord. I am no longer a slave to drugs that call you every waking moment. I can now have fun without them. I know what gives me true life. I am not blind to what the world offers as life, but what it will destroy in the process. That moment of getting high may not affect you physically while you are doing it. You may not suffer one bit for that pleasure that you seek, but you will be affected and so will those that you do it with. It will get in the way of your relationship with Christ, and your ability to hear God clearly. Those that you do it with, will not be able to see God through you like you wish they could. You will not be able to love the Lord your God as He has called you to and you will not be able to love those around you like you think you can, if you are getting high. Are you really a Christian, a Christ follower?

"Then He [Jesus] said to them all: 'If anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow Me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for Me will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self?' (Luke 9:23-25)" Who are you really following if you are a slave to your physical desires? Do you hold to an opinion or to a conviction? Do the research and find the truth.

Click on the title above "What is your True Desire" and it will take you to your first form of research on this matter. Then search more and learn the truth. At the bottom of this link there are two other "Related Pages, 'The Medical Benefits of smoking Marijuana', and 'Does the bible talk about Drugs.'" Find out what you stand on, Opinion or Conviction.

Rejecting God

1 Samuel 8, “'Look,' they told him, 'you are now old, and your sons are not like you. Give us a king to judge us like all the other nations have.' Samuel was displeased with their request and went to the Lord for guidance. 'Do everything they say to you,' the Lord replied, 'for it is Me they are rejecting, not you. They don’t want Me to be their king any longer. Ever since I brought them from Egypt they have continually abandoned Me and followed other gods. And now they are giving you the same treatment. Do as they ask, but solemnly warn them about the way a king will reign over them.'”

I had a vision the other day about this verse. I will pertain it to my life. When I was young all that I ever wanted was a husband. I wanted someone to come in and save me from myself. I desired nothing more than to be married. All the while God was calling me to be His. He desired for me to want Him. He had come to save me from myself and He knew that no one else could give me what I truly desired. However, I would not listen to Him. I desired a husband and no one could stop me from my pursuit. He tried to warn me. All of my friends were against me getting married (the first time). But I was determined, I just knew getting married would solve all of my problems. So I did.

As I look back upon my choice, I can see all of the warnings. I could hear every living being on earth screaming at me to stop what I was doing, but my mind was made up and I was running away to Vegas to prove them wrong.

"A king, a husband to rule over you. Don't you know that I love you and if you will wait with Me I will give you a better life than you could ever imagine. I love you and I desire to be your Husband. I will not rule over you like the wrong man will. I will love you and I will cherish you. You are my bride and I will take care of you. Don't you trust me." These were the words that God was whispering to my heart, but my desire made it so that I could not hear Him. I not only could not hear Him, I did not want to.

How many times have our own desires led us down the wrong path in our life. If we could learn the lesson without the heartache things would go so much easier. But, as a child of God, I am just like my children. They learn better when there is a little pain involved, or if I make there situation uncomfortable.

I am not against desiring marriage. I am married to a wonderful man, but when we got married, Jason was not my desire. I married Jason out of obedience to God. This time my focus was different. This time my focus was on God, and through my husband, I have been able to see what God had desired for me all along. He desires for me to be happy. He desires for me to live a life full of love. He desires for me to be in a relationship with Him first, so that He can bless my relationships that I have with others. It is all about my focus. It is all about my desire. The hard part is when we continually refuse to listen to His gentile whispers of love, He will finally let you have what you want. The problem is that our dreams rarely coincide with reality.

What are you desiring? Where is your focus? “It is important for you and me to know that God is not really giving us a more ethical way by which to live, but He is giving us a life that we could never manufacture on our own; by changing our hearts and changing our hungers.” (RZ) It took several years for my desire to be for my husband or for my marriage. God needed me to focus on Him so that He could change me from within. Then my life was changed in a more dramatic way than I could have ever imagined. He changed my heart and my hunger was for Him alone. Now because He knows my heart to be faithful to Him, my desire for my husband, for my marriage is extreme. I have what I always desired, but He first had to know that I desired Him more. I have my dream, but it is not because I am married to the perfect man. He is good, but he is not perfect. I have a wonderful life because God is my focus and my true life. I was rejecting God because of my desire for a husband. I now desire God and I am blessed, for I finally started to listen.

Open My Eyes

2 Kings 6:15-17, "'Oh, my lord, what shall we do?' the servant asked. 'Don't be afraid,' the prophet answered. 'Those who are with us are more than those who are with them.' And Elisha prayed, 'O LORD, open his eyes so he may see.' Then the LORD opened the servant's eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha."

How limited is our view when we look at this life. We cannot see what is really going on. We only see what we think is going on. We see what is right in front of us. When someone says something to us, how often do we take offense, when no offense is needed. We cannot venture out of our own self, and what we feel, to stop and take a real look at the others around us and see life from their point of view. If we cannot stop and see this life from others people's perspective, how are we going to see through the eyes of God and the real truth of this life? How I pray that my eyes would be opened so that I can see through His eyes, even though many of the truths in my own life are hard to look at. But, how can I expect to see others and what they need, if I cannot even look at my own life, all of my life.

Oswald Chambers, "The rich young ruler went away from Jesus speechless with sorrow, having nothing to say in response to Jesus’ words. He had no doubt about what Jesus had said or what it meant, and it produced in him a sorrow with no words with which to respond. Have you ever been there? Has God’s Word ever come to you, pointing out an area of your life, requiring you to yield it to Him? Maybe He has pointed out certain personal qualities, desires, and interests, or possibly relationships of your heart and mind. If so, then you have often been speechless with sorrow. Luke 18:22, 'Sell all that you have...' In other words, rid yourself before God of everything that might be considered a possession until you are a mere conscious human being standing before Him, and then give God that. That is where the battle is truly fought— in the realm of your will before God. Are you more devoted to your idea of what Jesus wants than to Jesus Himself? If so, you are likely to hear one of His harsh and unyielding statements that will produce sorrow in you. What Jesus says is difficult— it is only easy when it is heard by those who have His nature in them. Beware of allowing anything to soften the hard words of Jesus Christ."

When we look back upon our life, there are choices that we have made that we want Christ to change. Many times when we see the hurt in others, we as believers, want Christ to change that hurt and take away the consequences for the one hurting. We pray that God come in and change what has happened and restore what was lost, but we cannot see through the eyes of God. Jesus' words were often hard for the recipient, but He did not soften the blow of His words to make that person feel better in the moment. Jesus was very firm, for in that moment of sorrow, that person has a chance to see the truth of where his hearts desires really are. We can see if our hearts are totally focused on ourself. We can see the pain that we have caused others. It is in the hard truth of Christ's words that we can see, and sometimes that truth brings sorrow. How often do we not see the whole truth in life all because we cannot see past the pain?

There have been things that happen to us and things that we have done that bring us great pain in life. We do not need to war against the pain, for in that pain there may be a mighty army of God fighting for us. We cannot take away the consequences of life choices, but we can learn to follow Christ through the hurt of those choices. His army is bigger than the war we see in front of us. His army is surrounding us and fighting for us in this battle we call life. Be careful to not get in the way of what God is really trying to accomplish in someone's life, just because you want to relieve them of the pain right now. If you block their vision, how are they supposed to see God's work in their life. If someone comes in and tries to sooth you from your own pain, be careful. That temporary relief you feel right now, may block your true restoration.

Smallest Price

“When you fall into sin, the smallest price you pay is only the wounding you bring to yourself-- You grieve the heart of God and embarrass the community of Christ,” (RZ).

2 Samuel 12, "The LORD sent Nathan to David. When he came to him, he said, 'There were two men in a certain town, one rich and the other poor. The rich man had a very large number of sheep and cattle, but the poor man had nothing except one little ewe lamb he had bought. He raised it, and it grew up with him and his children. It shared his food, drank from his cup and even slept in his arms. It was like a daughter to him. Now a traveler came to the rich man, but the rich man refrained from taking one of his own sheep or cattle to prepare a meal for the traveler who had come to him. Instead, he took the ewe lamb that belonged to the poor man and prepared it for the one who had come to him.' David burned with anger against the man... Then Nathan said to David, 'You are the man!...' Then David said to Nathan, 'I have sinned against the LORD.' Nathan replied, 'The LORD has taken away your sin. You are not going to die. But because by doing this you have made the enemies of the LORD show utter contempt...'"

There are so many lessons in the life of David. It is when his sin gets called to his attention that we can see his true heart, and this is when we can learn our own lessons with our own sin. Just like us, David was blind to his sin when he was doing it. Oh yes, he knew it was wrong, but in his effort to get what he wanted, God's ways became blind to him and all he could do was focus on his own desires. It is in the revealing of his sin that we see his heart. His heart is not necessarily revealed because he sinned, but what he did with the realization of his sin after his eyes were opened. He hit his knees, begged for forgiveness, and did not go down that road again. This is why in Acts 13:22, God said that David was a "man after my own heart." It was not that David would never sin, but that when he did sin, he truly repented. He didn't just say, "Well I am sorry I got caught," but his heart was broken. However, the true effect of his sin was upon God, and His reputation.

When we as Christians sin, we are not just affecting ourselves, but we are affecting how others view God. This is what should grieve us the most! Because of Christ, our sin is forgiven, but the damage we have done in others eyes is enormous. The question that we must constantly be asking our own heart is, "Do we grieve because we are caught in sin, or because we have damaged the view of Christ others see in us?" This is actually an easier test than one may imagine. When you are caught doing something, do you still find ways to get a portion of what you were caught doing, no matter how small that portion is? If you are still trying to steal little portions, your heart is tattling on you. “The seat of sin is in the heart and will, not only in the action,” (RZ).

Definition of sin-- “Whatever weakens your reasoning, impairs the tenderness of your conscience, obscures your sense of God, or takes away your relish for spiritual things. In short, if anything increases the authority and power of the flesh over the spirit, then that to you becomes sin, however good it is in itself.” (Susana Wesley, RZ)

We all sin. No one is perfect. But, our hearts desire is revealed in what we do after that sin is revealed to us, either by the Holy Spirit (our conscience), or by someone else. David still had to suffer the consequences of his sin, and so must we. The true test of our heat is what we do with our sin after we have discovered it. Are we still trying to live the lie and steal little pieces of our desire wherever we can get it, or has our heart been turned away from that desire and toward God. Christ's blood has forgiven and washed us clean, but what are we really showing to others when we live a life in hypocrisy?

In Training

Psalm 16, "Keep me safe, O God, for in You I take refuge. I said to the LORD, 'You are my Lord; apart from You I have no good thing.' As for the saints who are in the land, they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight... LORD, You have assigned me my portion and my cup; You have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the LORD always before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because You will not abandon me to the grave, nor will You let Your Holy One see decay. You have made known to me the path of life; You will fill me with joy in Your presence, with eternal pleasures at Your right hand."

Oh, how I love my Lord. My desire is to know Him. Intimately, I seek Him. My flesh is a battle ground and my glory is to find Him who battles for me. My life and my desires have been at war against my God, but now I can see the truth and that truth will set me free. For a time I may be having to live a more strict existence, but when the battle is won my freedom will reign. I have never had power over my flesh before. My life has been a life in slavery to every temptation that approached me. I have always felt weak and I learned how to lie so that I could continue on in slavery. What does He desire for me? How can I please the One who has set me free? Does He want me to continue in an existence that is now full of rules and limitations? No He wants me to learn to love Him more and for my desires to be for Him alone. 1 Samuel 15:22-23, "But Samuel replied: 'Does the LORD delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the voice of the LORD? To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams. For rebellion is like the sin of divination, and arrogance like the evil of idolatry'..."

I don't always understand why God is asking me to do certain things. I often have an idea, but usually that assumption turns out to be wrong, or at least incomplete. We have a tendency to see in the physical. We even look at ourselves outwardly, in the flesh, rather than looking to our inner self. God sees our actions, but He sees more than our actions. He sees our hearts and our motives behind that action. He sees our hearts better than we do. We often fool ourselves into thinking that our hearts are good, even when our actions tell a different story. 1 Samuel 16:7, "But the LORD said to Samuel, 'Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.'"

We cannot get our actions and our hearts confused. I used to think that my actions did not tell my heart, but I was wrong. I would go out into the world and do some very horrible things. But then think, "I may doing bad, but my heart is good." I was wrong. My heart was bad, for my desires were evil. Then I came to a point in thinking, "I am doing good, so my heart is now good." I was wrong, for even though I was doing good, my desires are still for the flesh. I so desire for my heart and my actions to be in worship together. I want to see the truth in myself, so that I can walk in harmony and true worship with my Savior. Throughout my life I have been given the privilege by God to train my appetite. Oh, how my heart has been broken by what I have done and how I have abused my body. He is now taking me on a different path and this path is harder than it was supposed to be, all because of the training that I have done in the past. I have allowed my ideas and passions to confuse my body into believing a lie about what it is I think I need. In allowing my flesh to hunger for the wrong things, those wrong things have ended up devouring me. I have lived my life to see how far I could go, as close to the wrong side of living as I could get. What I must now do is to retrain my mind and my desires. It is much easier to say no, before you have tasted it. Than to say no, after you have tasted it. (RZ) I am in a training that God did not desire for me, but one that I chose when I was younger, for my desires have been trained by my living. My desire now is to live for my God. I want my desires and my heart to reflect His. I want my life to be a life of true worship to Him.

We have been given the privilege of training our appetites. What are you training your appetite for? Whether you want to believe it or not, what you do today affects how you live tomorrow. When you finally look back upon your life at the devastation and ruin you will see that it was not just in crossing a line that you have found devastation. But, it was in not drawing that line well before you were faced with that temptation that ultimately lead you down that broken path. That small thing that we choose to do today is actually training our appetites for our tomorrow. What path are we really choosing today for our tomorrow?

Consequences Today for Lessons Tomorrow

This morning tears fell from my face as I read the scriptures. Tears of concern for my children and the path that I am leading them down. My sons, my only two children that I am responsible for, what can I learn and what can I avoid as I raise them? 1 Samuel 1-8 is filled with parental failings and sons who are not part of God's chosen ones.

Eli, a priest, a respected man in the community, did not have sons that followed in his path. What did he do that he could raise Samuel to love the Lord, but his own sons had contempt for God and His Holiness? One thing that stands out as I read the scripture and the commentary that goes along with it is that he did not discipline his sons. When he saw them doing wrong, he turned a blind eye toward what they were doing. Instead of punishing them, he allowed God to be the disciplinarian and by that time they were older and they suffered the consequences that came with the sins we so often commit when we are supposed to be more mature. As I read this my attention has to be drawn to Samuel, as well. Why did he not follow in the same footsteps as Eli's sons. I must believe that Eli's sons were Samuel's examples to watch. Samuel was able to observe first hand what the outcome would be if he took God for granted and did not respect Him as the Holy One. Samuel's sons were no different than Eli's. Samuel did not know how to be a good father either, for his sons "were greedy for money. They accepted bribes and perverted justice," (8:3). What am I to learn from both of of these men as a parent? What can I do so that both of my sons are not lost as their sons were?

As I have experienced life and watched the outcome of others lives and how they were raised, I must stop and really evaluate what the truth is. There are two ways that stand out to me, I am sure there are more, but two that stand out to me in the lessons of Eli and Samuel. The lessons of consequences and how they are learned. In reading this morning I observed that these life lessons of consequences was learned in two ways. One with observing others, and one with children lost because of lessons that they never were taught. With all of my heart, might, and desire, I want my sons to learn the lesson of consequences, while the consequences are small in comparison. I speak to them often about how they need to think about the consequences that are to follow what actions they take. Good and bad consequences always follow whatever action we take. It is a natural law and I hope to train them to think ahead and see if the consequences are worth what they are doing in that brief moment. This lesson is the main lesson that everyone must learn. We as parents either discipline our own children, or they may learn it by observing others, or they will suffer in their adult life and experience the lesson the hardest way. Samuel learned by watching Eli's sons, but Eli's sons were lost in the process. Samuel's sons had no one to watch and suffered the consequences in their adult life. I am not willing to sacrifice one of my sons so the other can learn by observation alone.

So often as a parent it seems much easier to turn a blind eye and let yourself believe that they will figure things out on their own. Just the other day I was at the park and a child had a toy. While we watched the children playing, we observed that the child was not sharing. I heard the mother say, "I want to intervene, but he needs to learn to share on his own." This is a recipe for a selfish man in the making. Children do not learn like that. They must continually be taught. They must be made to think outside the world of "me, mine." So often I must intervene with my children and it is hard work. It is much easier to turn a blind eye and assume that they will learn the lesson themselves, but it is not always a lesson learned. Too often the life is lived out and the consequences of that lost life are devastating. Which of my children am I willing to sacrifice today for the lessons that I am not willing to teach them for tomorrow. The consequences are small today with the discipline that comes, but when they are older the consequences can be devastating if they do not suffer today. With disciplining my children today and letting them understand the pain that comes with the consequences of their choices, they have a better chance of becoming observant, obedient adults tomorrow. In the way that I am raising my children, am I showing them how much God loves them? Am I willing to be "the bad guy" today, so that they can enjoy their life tomorrow? How do I want them to learn about consequences? Is it going to be by watching their brother fall, falling themselves tomorrow, or by the sting of discipline today?

Common Sense is Not that Common

Genesis 25:27-34, "One day when Jacob was cooking some stew, Esau arrived home from the wilderness exhausted and hungry. Esau said to Jacob, 'I’m starved! Give me some of that red stew!' 'All right,' Jacob replied, 'but trade me your rights as the firstborn son.' 'Look, I’m dying of starvation!' said Esau. 'What good is my birthright to me now?' But Jacob said, 'First you must swear that your birthright is mine.' So Esau swore an oath, thereby selling all his rights as the firstborn to his brother, Jacob. Then Jacob gave Esau some bread and lentil stew. Esau ate the meal, then got up and left. He showed contempt for his rights as the firstborn."

Common sense is not that common. Common sense is too often something learned, after being reckless with what we have been given to begin with. This story is the story of my life. How ridiculous! Too often I was willing to trade my future for the instant gratification, of the thrill of satisfaction, right now. People who do not have common sense, do not look ahead to see what consequences may follow in the decisions they are making in the moment. It can even be something as simple as the way you dress. Living in Gunnison, I have learned that you need to think ahead when you leave the house. It is wise to dress in layers. When you leave, it may be warm, but in 30 minutes a storm could move in and you wished you had another shirt. So it is wise to take layers of clothes, that you can take off or put on. When I was young, I did not use wisdom in the way that I dressed, but it was more than just about layering.

I so wanted others to notice me. I wanted to stand out and draw others attention. It started with little things, like wearing a shirt that would gap if I bent over. I knew what I was doing. I was drawing attention, but hiding my intent by looking mostly presentable. When the opportunity would arise, then I would simply show what I wanted to, give that little invitation. The part that I was not paying attention to, was the long term affects that simple action would do to my heart. You see it starts so subconsciously, so subtle. Then as your heart gets accustomed to the feelings of being noticed, your clothing becomes more provocative and brazen. Till you do not see yourself as others see you. But, the beautiful thing is that your heart is always crying out for protection. You just may not realize that is what is happening, because instead of change, our tendency is to become defensive.

I remember one day my mother made a comment about the shirt that I was wearing. I got so hurt. I became so defensive. How dare her attack me like that. I was so wrong. She was not attacking me, she was only making an observation and I took defense. It was my heart crying out for protection. My defense was my heart begging for someone to save me from the destruction I was causing to myself. So here is what I have learned, if you immediately get hurt and get defensive when someone addresses something, it may be your heart needs healing. Instead of attacking that person, maybe we need to stop and look at what is really behind our reaction. Maybe it is your heart crying out, begging you to look ahead at what could be a devastating consequence for you in the future. You may be selling your birthright right now, for a pleasure that will only bring you regret in the long run.

Truth Lies in the Lie

How many times have we said, "But its not my fault, if they wouldn't have... I wouldn't have..." The truth lies in the lie. There are consequences for all of us. The hardest consequences are the ones that we must look at and take responsibility for ourselves. Those actions that we want to blame on another person, but ultimately we are the ones that did that action, that got that consequence. The story of Abraham, Sarah, Hagar, and Ishmael is full of bad decisions made by other people, then entangled with personal bad decisions that made matters even worse.

Genesis 16, "Now Sarai, Abram’s wife, had not been able to bear children for him. But she had an Egyptian servant named Hagar. So Sarai said to Abram, 'The Lord has prevented me from having children. Go and sleep with my servant. Perhaps I can have children through her.' And Abram agreed with Sarai’s proposal. So Sarai, Abram’s wife, took Hagar the Egyptian servant and gave her to Abram as a wife. So Abram had sexual relations with Hagar, and she became pregnant. But when Hagar knew she was pregnant, she began to treat her mistress, Sarai, with contempt... (21:9), But Sarah saw Ishmael—the son of Abraham and her Egyptian servant Hagar—making fun of her son, Isaac."

The trail of bad decisions in this story is almost sickening. Hagar a slave had no ability to defend herself and not sleep with Abraham, but she did have the ability to control her attitude afterwards toward Sarah. (I don't now how, but she did.) Her bad attitude rubbed off on her son Ishmael, and he became a man who was always against everyone, fighting for everything. Much of what happened to him cannot be blamed on Ishmael. He was caught in a whirlwind of contempt and hate between his mother and Sarah. "However, his own actions showed that he had chosen to become part of the problem and not part of the solution. He chose to live under his circumstances rather than above them."

I have chosen this cycle of victim decision making so many times in my life. When my friends would want to go out and party, I made my own night even worse by not only joining them, but one upping them with my own foolishness. When my ex wanted me to do certain things, I chose to be the victim and made his desires even worse by my own choices. While I was doing these thing, I never took responsibility for my choices, but blamed others for my consequences. I thought this was easier than taking responsibility myself, but what it ultimately gave me was more heartache than I could have ever dreamed. I still have the tendency to blame others for my bad attitude. Instead of taking responsibility for how I act, I tend to blame someone else and say, "If you hadn't done... then I wouldn't have lost my temper."

Oswald Chambers, " God came in the flesh to take sin away, not to accomplish something for Himself. The Cross is the central event in time and eternity, and the answer to all the problems of both. The Cross is not the cross of a man, but the Cross of God, and it can never be fully comprehended through human experience. The Cross is God exhibiting His nature. It is the gate through which any and every individual can enter into oneness with God. But it is not a gate we pass right through; it is one where we abide in the life that is found there."

There are so many situations that we find ourselves in, that are not our fault. How we act in those situations, now that is our responsibility. We cannot go around as a victim for the rest of our life, and continue on in making a bad situation even worse, by our own attitude or actions. We have Christ to help us live as we should no matter what situation we find ourself in. Our responsibility lies in the choices we make while we are in that situation. This is the point of Christ and the Cross, not necessarily to change our situation, but to change our heart. How are our actions and attitude in our situation? We may not be able to change others or our situation, but have we allowed Him to change us.

http://utmost.org/the-collision-of-god-and-sin/

Opened Eyes

Genesis 3, "NOW THE serpent was more subtle and crafty than any living creature of the field which the Lord God had made. And he [Satan] said to the woman, Can it really be that God has said, You shall not eat from every tree of the garden? And the woman said to the serpent, We may eat the fruit from the trees of the garden, except the fruit from the tree which is in the middle of the garden. God has said, You shall not eat of it, neither shall you touch it, lest you die. But the serpent said to the woman, You shall not surely die. For God knows that in the day you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing the difference between good and evil and blessing and calamity. And when the woman saw that the tree was good (suitable, pleasant) for food and that it was delightful to look at, and a tree to be desired in order to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate; and she gave some also to her husband, and he ate."

Every day we are being tempted to know more and do more. For some reason we feel like we will at least be more wise, if we "experience" life. Well, I do feel like I know more now because of the choices that I have made. I know more and I hurt more.

“There are some places you and I ought not to go. There are some things you and I ought not entertain with our eyes. There are some experiences we ought not to reach out and touch. Because almost like a paper thin cut, that can communicate dreadful diseases into the body- there are choices we may make that may seem rather innocuous in the beginning which can be devastating in the long run. Till you yourself will be asking, 'what am I doing here?'” (RZ)

There are some places that I should have never gone. I have seen and done things that no one should ever see or do. Like Eve, I should have never tasted that fruit. Our continual search to become more knowledgeable like God draws us further and further from the truth. Until, we are faced with our own nakedness and shame. Then we no longer hold our head high for fear that "everyone" knows.

Satan is telling lies. I see him lying and deceiving everyone into thinking that today's decision will not affect tomorrow. Our youth are tricked into tasting fruit, they should never taste. Our girls are selling their bodies; most for just someone to tell them they are pretty. Our boys are wrecking their thought life, by not accepting the role they were made for, and becoming strong in themselves. Both are destroying their future fulfillment with sex by their choice in movies, pornography, and where they go for fun. We have all been deceived and are suffering the consequences for our sin. Then those who are older tend to be so ashamed they keep quiet while they watch others stepping into the same trap. Or they point a condemning finger at those who are younger and tell them they are a fool, instead of sharing truth about their own pain. We have become a society of voyeurs. We think that if we are watching someone else do it, then it is not hurting us and it is none of our business. But in reality, what we allow into our hearts, through our eyes and ears, is what we become.

Guard your hearts, for it is the well spring of life. There are some places that you should never go. There are some things that you should never entertain with your eyes or your body. I have a blessed life now with Christ, but there are just some things that I wish I did not know. Run from the lies you are being fed. Hide your eyes from what seems so pleasing. Guard your hearts so that your life will be free.

Godly Sorrow

2 Corinthians 7:8-12, "I know I distressed you greatly with my letter. Although I felt awful at the time, I don't feel at all bad now that I see how it turned out. The letter upset you, but only for a while. Now I'm glad—not that you were upset, but that you were jarred into turning things around. You let the distress bring you to God, not drive you from him. The result was all gain, no loss. Distress that drives us to God does that. It turns us around. It gets us back in the way of salvation. We never regret that kind of pain. But those who let distress drive them away from God are full of regrets, end up on a deathbed of regrets. And now, isn't it wonderful all the ways in which this distress has goaded you closer to God? You're more alive, more concerned, more sensitive, more reverent, more human, more passionate, more responsible. Looked at from any angle, you've come out of this with purity of heart. And that is what I was hoping for..." (The Message)

No one likes to hear, they have been living wrong. Trust me, no one wants to tell someone else they are headed for death. I have been on both sides of the scolding, and both sides I have loathed. When I was young, I was often getting the oral punishment. I hated it and wanted to tell the other person "they were wrong," so that I could go and do my own thing. But, now that I am older, I just hope these younger ones will listen to someone who has already been there.

Paul is speaking here about two different kinds of sorrow. There is a sorrow for the consequences, that inevitably always come. And, their is a sorrow that leads to repentance, a change in our hearts, so that change in behavior inevitably follows. If it is a sorrow for only the consequences, we are doomed to stay in our life of sin. I did this for many years. I was always looking forward to the times when, I thought, I was getting away with "it" and just having fun. It was worth the risk, for my heart about the matter had not changed. The sorrow that leads to repentance is a godly sorrow. It is a sorrow that hits us in our hearts. It takes us to our knees and allows God to finally control our life. This sorrow and true repentance is the gift that He gives us, just before we are born again, fresh and new with Him. This sorrow gives life. The other, only leads us further and further from truth, deeper and deeper into unfathomable consequences.

If we will open our eyes just long enough to see who really loves us, maybe we will be able to listen. If we can listen to their reproach, then maybe we can hear Him calling us to a better life. If we will just listen enough, and stay long enough, then maybe we can see what true living is all about.

Oswald Chambers, "We have the idea that God rewards us for our faith, and it may be so in the initial stages. But we do not earn anything through faith— faith brings us into the right relationship with God and gives Him His opportunity to work. Yet God frequently has to knock the bottom out of your experience as His saint to get you in direct contact with Himself... Faith by its very nature must be tested and tried. And the real trial of faith is not that we find it difficult to trust God, but that God’s character must be proven as trustworthy in our own minds. Faith being worked out into reality must experience times of unbroken isolation... Faith, as the Bible teaches it, is faith in God coming against everything that contradicts Him— a faith that says, 'I will remain true to God’s character whatever He may do.'"

When my heart first began to change, I did not trust that I would enjoy a new life more. I did not have enough faith in God to see the boredom through, so that His true light could be felt. God had to strip me of everything that I was holding on to, and He had to reveal just how detestable I really was. For then, my blinders were removed and I could see myself for what I really was, a fallen, sinful woman, who was dying more, every day. This took time, for there was a war within me. The war eventually boiled down to, "do I believe in God?" Everything that we do, all boils down to this. Do you believe in God? Do you trust Him enough to finally let go and follow what He wants for your life? For what His true desire for is, is for us find out what true living is all about. Has someone come to you lately with a scold or a concern for your behavior? Are you willing to allow them to love you enough, for you to listen? What kind of sorrow do you feel? Is it a sorrow for consequences, or for a repentant heart?

http://www.rbc.org/devotionals/my-utmost-for-his-highest/10/31/devotion.aspx?year=2009

It's a Heart Issue

1 Corinthians 5:9ff, "When I wrote to you before, I told you not to associate with people who indulge in sexual sin. But I wasn’t talking about unbelievers who indulge in sexual sin, or are greedy, or cheat people, or worship idols. You would have to leave this world to avoid people like that. I meant that you are not to associate with anyone who claims to be a believer yet indulges in sexual sin, or is greedy, or worships idols, or is abusive, or is a drunkard, or cheats people. Don’t even eat with such people. It isn’t my responsibility to judge outsiders, but it certainly is your responsibility to judge those inside the church who are sinning. God will judge those on the outside; but as the Scriptures say, 'You must remove the evil person from among you.'”

This verse has been one of those touchy subjects that I have struggled with for many years. It is not easy. For when you tell someone they are wrong, they often come back with "don't judge me, or you are supposed to love and not reject me, for my sin is no greater than yours." But read it again. What does it say? You can see for yourself what we as Christ followers are supposed to do. This does not mean that we reject those who are weak in their faith and struggling. This does not mean that we are to expect a new believer to all of a sudden "get it all right and live perfectly." For we all do sin. None of us are perfect. However, it is a heart issue.

2 Samuel 12, Nathan confronts David about his murder of Uriah and adultery with Bathsheba. "Then David confessed to Nathan, 'I have sinned against the Lord.' Nathan replied, 'Yes, but the Lord has forgiven you, and you won’t die for this sin. But you have given the enemies of the Lord great opportunity to despise and blaspheme Him, so your child will die.'” In this, you cannot tell me that David did not know that he was doing wrong before Uriah confronted him. He knew. He tried to hide it, and he married Bathsheba anyway. But, after he was drowning in his sin, then he was ready to listen and repent. That is when God called Uriah to confront the issue. However, David's confession did not take away the consequences for his sin.

God has called us to live to a higher standard. Even if we are doing the exact same thing as everyone else, by calling ourselves Christians, we are professing something completely different. This opens the door for unbelievers to blaspheme God. It is His name you are hindering and His reputation that you are tarnishing, because of the name you claim.

Did Uriah tell David to leave Bathsheba? No, David was married to her and that would just add more destruction upon sin already committed. They were now married, whether others liked it or not. But because of their sin, their children paid a very high price. His confession did not take away the consequences of his sin. His heart was ultimately for God, for He did not try and excuse his actions to Uriah. His response to Uriah was one of sorrow and shame. So here is the guide to revealing your heart. When you are confronted about sin you are living in, do you try and pass the blame on someone else? Do you make excuses and try to defend your actions? It does not matter how you have acted in the past about the subject. How do you act now? Are you full of regrets? You cannot go back and fix the past. You cannot change what you have done or who you have hurt, but you can have a truthful look at yourself and see what you have done to Christ's name, by how you have acted. Are you truly sorry, or do you try and excuse yourself, still?

If you are still trying to excuse what you have done, don't blame others for letting you go. They may be doing exactly what 1 Corinthians is instructing them to do. Don't sit and justify your actions and demand others to accept you. Look at your sin for what it really is and ask for forgiveness. Once we have done this, we are to try and live our lives from this point on to glorify His name. What are your responses to others, saying about your heart toward God? Once you confront someone and they confess their sin with a repentant heart, we are to forgive them and bring them back to Christ's love. From every angle, whether you are the one confronting or the one bieng confronted, it is a heart issue. What are your actions saying about your heart?

Marijuana

John 7:37, "Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, "If anyone is thirsty, let him come to Me and drink. Whoever believes in Me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him."

I have lived a very different life, in my past. I was addicted to an illusion. I was a typical foolish young girl and I suffered many pains, because of my addictions. I am back in the schools as a substitute. I love sitting there and visiting with the kids. I want to hear their stories and understand where they are coming from. Right now, since school just began, most of my time is spent listening. The kids talk freely in front of me. They talk about sex, drug, and partying. One of the things that I hear is, "you cant get addicted to pot (marijuana), it is only mental." I actually understand this statement. I understand it, because I used to say the exact same thing. But here is something that I have learned; Yes, it is harder to become physically dependent on pot, but you can. Yes, it does not have the same physical withdraw as other drug, but the mental is much stronger and lasts longer than the physical.

There was a time in my life, if I ran out of weed I would go anywhere and everywhere looking for some (this is not all I did, but it was my drug of choice). I would make all of the phone calls. I would go to all of the houses. I would search for some, until I could buy some. And if not buy, then at least I could share in a bowl. All drugs have an addiction about them. If you think marijuana is not addictive and you can easily use it without any consequences you are sorrily misinformed. No you will not go into a fit of seizures, just because you haven't taken a hit. Like you do if you are an alcoholic. But just as an alcoholic, there is an addiction that lasts much longer. Every mind altering drug is ultimately the same. If you do it long enough, you do not know how to handle life without it. The physical withdraw only lasts for a short time, with any drug. Once you have been through withdraw, for at least two months, sometimes a little longer, what you are left with is the mental. You are left with yourself and not knowing who you are without the substance feeding your illusion of who you really are. You discover that reality is hard and you want to escape again to the drug.

In all of my searching; in all of my seeking, I have finally found something that fills my wanting. I know; I know, it sounds cliche, but it is true. Christ has finally left me without any need for more. After all of my stupid acts; after all of my failures, I can hold my head high and walk into a room. Even when I know others know all of my darkest secrets (for I tell everyone) I can walk in, for He walks ahead of me. I used to know what it was like to feel thirsty, without any real relief. But now I know what it is like to drink from my Lord. I no longer thirst; I no longer seek, for He has found me (6:44). There was a time, when the high would only last for a few short hours. Then I was off looking again. This high has lasted for years. It is the best high I have ever experienced and I no longer look for more.

Usually when I share with the kids, they think I am crazy. They think I do not know. But trust me, I do. And when all their searching is spent and all their pain is felt, they will be able to say, "someone once told me..." Sweet kids, you are not alone. The choices that you are making right now, do have consequences. If you are seeking fulfillment through drugs, sex, pornography... what ever this life offers, you will be left wanting more. You will be left with the consequences of your choices. When you taste the bitterness of your choices, you are not alone. There is Someone who can finally fulfill you. And there are others who will still love you....

http://www.godandscience.org/doctrine/medical_marijuana_review.html