A Most Intimate Moment

Over the past, well more than 10 years, I have spent much time in learning who God is and who I am.  The more I learn the more I am discovering His grace and mercy.  Not His laws and judgments.  If we look at just two parts of Paul's writings we can see so much.  Last week at L!VE, we looked at Galatians. Tonight we will look at Romans 9, 10.  
Chapter 9 starts with Paul revealing his heart for his people.  He aches for them to see what he sees.  This is my same heart ache.  He tries to separate the true children of the promise from those who only claim it by birth, but know nothing about God Himself.  Then he moves into some seemingly hard discussion about how God chooses to show mercy to some and hardens the hearts of others, and in this I can get so easily caught up.  His answers to the questions of how a loving God can do this are summed up in a very quick answer of "Who are you to argue with God?"  And it is here that I take pause. Paul knows what Job had to learn.  Who are we to question God?  When waves of questions consume us, we are to turn our focus on the goodness of God, not the parts we do not understand.  And in seeing His goodness, my heart can rest in knowing that He can already see a person's heart.  He knows who will believe in Him and who wont, so He is giving my heart rest in letting me see that it is ok if I allow people to choose how they are living, for really I have no say in their lives anyway.  I am not to get wrapped up in people's lives and try and direct their heart by directing their actions.  It is up to God to see their heart.  But I am to be a vessel of mercy.  We cannot earn the heart of our God.  His love is given.  All we need to do is to have faith.  That faith is expressed in knowing His heart and His goodness. It is not loved eared, but love given.  

When Jason and I were first married I did not love him.  I truly was walking down the isle in obedience. I said "I do", not out of a heart in love, but a heart broken.  It was never me living as an "obedient" wife that changed my heart, but it was his constant consistency, patience, and care that softened my heart toward his.  I was hurt and wounded by so many men.  I just saw Jason as another man who was going to hurt me again.  I would have never changed my heart toward him if he had demanded me to obey him and to follow his rules.  Rules and laws would have only driven me further into defiance.  It was his patience and constant caring that finally got to me and after three years of being married, two children later, I finally told him "I think I am falling in love with you."  
It was only after this that my actions toward this man started to change.  He gave me enough time for my heart to soften toward him.  If he had demanded that I "act" in a certain way, I could have played the part, but he would have never had my heart.  And it is our heart that our God is after.  He is not focused on our ability to follow a rule, but our willingness to give Him our whole heart.  

"So if you believe deep in your heart that God raised Jesus from the pit of death and if you voice you allegiance by confessing the truth that 'Jesus is Lord,' then you will be saved! Belief begins in the heart and leads to a life that is right with God..." (Romans 10:9)

I put a question recently on FB, "Has Christianity failed you?"  And with this I received many wonderful responses... Wonderful because people were willing to share with me their broken hearts.  Stories that made me cry and ask God the big "Why?"  I want to share an opening of a very lengthy and very heart felt response from a broken heart.
"I have deep seated intellectual and theological concerns about the Christian faith. As a PhD in Religion, I didn't just read the bible, and I didn't study it from a faith based standpoint, but I studied it form intellectual standpoint, both as a historical document, and as a work of literature."  
I printed her response and have carried it with me everywhere I have gone. I often pull it out and read the two and a half pages asking God to show me exactly where her true heart cry is revealed.  And this time He showed me just the beginning lines. Just yesterday through the words of a friend I heard the answer to this woman's first lines. In my heart I heard, "If your heart is wanting a spiritual relationship and you look to God through knowledge you will be left wanting."  

He wants your heart, first.  It is only after a heart given in love that the true knowledge of Him is revealed.  It is only after faith is expressed in your heart and out of your mouth that He can begin to change our desires and give us a heart of love.  It is only after we see Him through our brokenness that we can begin to accept His mercy. All of our questions of "why" can be summed up in one answer, Worship.  It is only in the truly intimate moments of surrendering your whole body, mind and soul to Him in worship that you can feel His embrace and learn to follow Him in His dance through life.  Do you want what you want, or do you want His best?  Are you willing to have His heart of patience, love, and mercy for others?  Or are you going to demand that they obey your laws, but never surrender their whole heart?  This is my first response, but it is in my memory that I am reminded how I was loved first. So why then do I constantly place upon others a law that I was never meant to give out.  Why do I want to settle for instant "change" instead of a truly love filled heart?!