My Nehemiah

We all have those moments of great appreciation that comes flooding in unannounced. They can be so overwhelming. This happened to me yesterday morning as I was sitting in my window seat reading Nehemiah. Now if you know the story of Nehemiah, your probably wondering why? Its not a story that would usually bring tears as your reading, but the flood gates were open for me. But before I tell my story, I'll catch you up with his...

Nehemiah was a man who was part of Israel's captivity years. He was cup bearer for the king who now ruled his people. He discovered that his beloved city and it's wall was still in shambles and desired to go and rebuild it. The king showed him favoritism and sent him on his way with his written blessing and men to help him. When he got there he saw that the work was great and he discovered that his opposition from others was even greater. He set up men for battle and men for rebuilding. In short, they got the enormous job completed in only 52 days.
But it wasn't until I started reading toward the end that the story started taking hold in my life. Nehemiah had left after the rebuilding, thinking that everything would be fine now that the city was back in order. When he returned he discovered that the law had not been kept, the people were not holding the Sabbath holy, and the people were once again entering into marriage with foreign women. He flipped his lid! "So I confronted them and called down curses on them. I beat some of them and pulled out their hair." (13:25)  Nehemiah freaked, for right before that the people remembered how they had turned from God and lost their way and here they were doing it again.

This ending portion, that is most often overlooked because of the building of the great wall, is the part that I could hear God talking to me most.  Just like the people who had rehearsed their story of their past and had seen how faithful God had always been (9), and vowed to live differently (10:30ff), now it was my turn to see.  

My mom, she has always been there fighting for me.  She saw the death sentence in front of me when I was diagnosed with MS.  She was a RN, and had many MS patients.  She knew what I had to look forward to.  

Now this brings me to my first example.  I was about 21 and I had just been diagnosed.  In this time, I had turned my back on God and had decided to "live".  A friend and I had gone outside during the middle of the night to smoke.  My mom caught us after we were washing our hands to get the smoke smell off.  My mom freaked out!  She grabbed me and pushed me up against the wall yelling at me in hysterics over smoking a cigarette. 

My next example: after my family had done their intervention and taken me out of my first marriage, I immediately was in another relationship with my current husband (a whole other story for another time).  Jason and I were at my grandmother's house laying on a bed talking.  Nothing was going on, but my mom again freaked.  She called me into the bathroom where she started to scold me harshly.

These are just two examples that come into my memory, but trust me, there are many.  I had always seen my mom as way out of line, over bearing, in my space, trying to control every aspect of my life.  As I was reading Nehemiah I started seeing differently.  My mom could see where I had been and she knew its the small steps that take you to great destruction.  It is also the small every day steps that can bring you to great repair.  I have been in a battle for 19 years. During this time, I have been the people who would do well while others are there helping, but as soon as the leader is away, things start to go back the way they were.  I forget the promises I have made and start living as I see others live around me.  I choose life!  I have always chosen life, its just that, now I can see what truly brings me life.  I have to do the small things now so that I will be able to enjoy this life tomorrow.  My mom is my Nehemiah! She has always been the one with the vision.  She has always been the one doing the research and finding the right healing path for me at that time in my life. She was a RN, so we did the shots for MS.  Then she became an acupuncturist and herbalist, so I did Chinese medicine.  Then she discovered Doug Kaufmann's diet Know the Cause.  Now we are venturing into adult stem cell treatments Stem Genex.  All of which has been my mother's stead fast obedience and building even when no hope, no life, no appreciation could be seen.  My mom is my Nehemiah and I can't thank her enough for her diligence in my life.

Do you have a Nehemiah in your life?  Have you thanked them for all of their hard work?  Have you let them know that it was their constancy that kept you going? Are you Nehemiah for someone? If you have that vision, don't give up. It has been 19 years for my mom to truly be appreciated.  But the tears flow in gratitude for her seeing faithfulness that has kept me walking step by (back) step along this journey.  Thank you Mom for never giving up, even when I had...

I LOVE YOU  

Adult Stem Cell

I have been accepted to participate in Adult Stem Cell study.  I wanted to give you the web site of the place that I will be going to for this treatment.

Where you find intelligent design, you find an Intelligent Designer!

Stem Genex (stem cell studies)

May God be blessed and Glorified through this whole process.....

A Most Intimate Moment

Over the past, well more than 10 years, I have spent much time in learning who God is and who I am.  The more I learn the more I am discovering His grace and mercy.  Not His laws and judgments.  If we look at just two parts of Paul's writings we can see so much.  Last week at L!VE, we looked at Galatians. Tonight we will look at Romans 9, 10.  
Chapter 9 starts with Paul revealing his heart for his people.  He aches for them to see what he sees.  This is my same heart ache.  He tries to separate the true children of the promise from those who only claim it by birth, but know nothing about God Himself.  Then he moves into some seemingly hard discussion about how God chooses to show mercy to some and hardens the hearts of others, and in this I can get so easily caught up.  His answers to the questions of how a loving God can do this are summed up in a very quick answer of "Who are you to argue with God?"  And it is here that I take pause. Paul knows what Job had to learn.  Who are we to question God?  When waves of questions consume us, we are to turn our focus on the goodness of God, not the parts we do not understand.  And in seeing His goodness, my heart can rest in knowing that He can already see a person's heart.  He knows who will believe in Him and who wont, so He is giving my heart rest in letting me see that it is ok if I allow people to choose how they are living, for really I have no say in their lives anyway.  I am not to get wrapped up in people's lives and try and direct their heart by directing their actions.  It is up to God to see their heart.  But I am to be a vessel of mercy.  We cannot earn the heart of our God.  His love is given.  All we need to do is to have faith.  That faith is expressed in knowing His heart and His goodness. It is not loved eared, but love given.  

When Jason and I were first married I did not love him.  I truly was walking down the isle in obedience. I said "I do", not out of a heart in love, but a heart broken.  It was never me living as an "obedient" wife that changed my heart, but it was his constant consistency, patience, and care that softened my heart toward his.  I was hurt and wounded by so many men.  I just saw Jason as another man who was going to hurt me again.  I would have never changed my heart toward him if he had demanded me to obey him and to follow his rules.  Rules and laws would have only driven me further into defiance.  It was his patience and constant caring that finally got to me and after three years of being married, two children later, I finally told him "I think I am falling in love with you."  
It was only after this that my actions toward this man started to change.  He gave me enough time for my heart to soften toward him.  If he had demanded that I "act" in a certain way, I could have played the part, but he would have never had my heart.  And it is our heart that our God is after.  He is not focused on our ability to follow a rule, but our willingness to give Him our whole heart.  

"So if you believe deep in your heart that God raised Jesus from the pit of death and if you voice you allegiance by confessing the truth that 'Jesus is Lord,' then you will be saved! Belief begins in the heart and leads to a life that is right with God..." (Romans 10:9)

I put a question recently on FB, "Has Christianity failed you?"  And with this I received many wonderful responses... Wonderful because people were willing to share with me their broken hearts.  Stories that made me cry and ask God the big "Why?"  I want to share an opening of a very lengthy and very heart felt response from a broken heart.
"I have deep seated intellectual and theological concerns about the Christian faith. As a PhD in Religion, I didn't just read the bible, and I didn't study it from a faith based standpoint, but I studied it form intellectual standpoint, both as a historical document, and as a work of literature."  
I printed her response and have carried it with me everywhere I have gone. I often pull it out and read the two and a half pages asking God to show me exactly where her true heart cry is revealed.  And this time He showed me just the beginning lines. Just yesterday through the words of a friend I heard the answer to this woman's first lines. In my heart I heard, "If your heart is wanting a spiritual relationship and you look to God through knowledge you will be left wanting."  

He wants your heart, first.  It is only after a heart given in love that the true knowledge of Him is revealed.  It is only after faith is expressed in your heart and out of your mouth that He can begin to change our desires and give us a heart of love.  It is only after we see Him through our brokenness that we can begin to accept His mercy. All of our questions of "why" can be summed up in one answer, Worship.  It is only in the truly intimate moments of surrendering your whole body, mind and soul to Him in worship that you can feel His embrace and learn to follow Him in His dance through life.  Do you want what you want, or do you want His best?  Are you willing to have His heart of patience, love, and mercy for others?  Or are you going to demand that they obey your laws, but never surrender their whole heart?  This is my first response, but it is in my memory that I am reminded how I was loved first. So why then do I constantly place upon others a law that I was never meant to give out.  Why do I want to settle for instant "change" instead of a truly love filled heart?! 

Reflections on Prayer

I received a text question last night from one of my friends about prayer. He started off with scripture verses Matthew 7:7-8, “Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened." And also Hebrews 11:1, "Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." Here were his questions: Have you ever been unsure of what to ask God for? How did you make up your mind?

As I sit here thinking of this young man's heart and his prayer, my mind reels with my own prayers and how each one was answered, mainly through the unanswered ways of God. Let me give some examples, maybe this will make it more clear as my mind sifts through and unfolds the "easy" examples.

With my first pregnancy I did not find out the sex of the baby until it was revealed at birth. My heart was hard against men and I was afraid that if I found out it was a boy child, I would not love him. Every morning and evening I begged God, "Please give me a girl.  Please!"  I was giving God a chance to change His mind and turn the child into a girl at the very last second if He needed to. Delivery time, the doctor placed the baby on my stomach and I looked at my SON! Betrayal... for both of us is all I could feel. "How could you do this to me!" I cried out to God. "How could you do this to him? I cannot raise a man child! I hate men!"

For 5 days I reeled with unanswered questions. 5 days, until I found myself on a plane out of Gunnison watching the nurses take care of my baby as we were flight for life to Denver. My world was spinning. My prayers were begging God not to take him and my mind was determined that I would love this man child.

Another time, oh whose kidding, for years I begged God to take away my MS. I begged and pleaded with Him to heal me. I had memorized the entire book of James. I was seeking God like no other. My life was changed and I no longer desired the same things. I was living Good and I knew the scripture. So I took James 5 to our church leaders. "Are any of you sick? You should call for the elders of the church to come and pray over you, anointing you with oil in the name of the Lord. Such a prayer offered in faith will heal the sick, and the Lord will make you well." Over and over, I had different people pouring oil on me, praying for my healing. My hair has never been more healthy as the time on my knees and oil on my head. People, I am sure, were tired of my begging. But I kept knocking, for I just knew the door had to open... I still have MS. Unanswered Prayers

I have so many examples of prayers offered, prayers that seemed unanswered. However, each time He has been there revealing my broken heart. Showing me that what He truly desires is for my heart to be healed. Its not about my circumstances, even though I seem to think it is. It is about my heart and how I value myself, how I see my God, how I do/do not love others. Hebrews 11:13, "All these people died still believing what God had promised them. They did not receive what was promised, but they saw it all from a distance and welcomed it." How do I see my relationship with my God? Can I still walk confidently in faith without my answer to my prayers?

I have a very good life! I know that my God loves me, but it isn't through my desires being given to me. I wanted a girl, I have my girl through my college girls He has showered on me. I needed healing. I have been healed. My heart was hard toward men. Now I know, they are not my enemies. I needed that son to begin to soften my heart. My hands are still numb and I stumble when I walk. It is a battle, but not a physical battle. It is a battle in learning to love myself. Without MS, I would live with indulgence. I wouldn't learn the lesson of restraint and how to truly take care of me. He loves me too much to allow me to live as a glutton. For everything that I would do, nothing would be good for me. I've proven that one!

God does heal people all of the time. Its just not always how we think it should be. God does answer all of our prayers, but it is often not how we think it is going to be. I have changed my perception of how God answers prayers. He is not Santa, but a God who loves me too much than to leave me the way I am. He sees my heart. He knows that above anything else, my heart is what needs healing. My heart needs focusing on Him, no matter what I'm doing, what is going on in my life, the circumstances that may come up. Where is my focus? As I start my day, am I willing to listen to what He is trying to say to me? Am I willing to accept His answers to my prayers? Do I love Him enough to allow Him to change my life through changing my heart? Do I focus on things of this world, or a relationship with Him? Will I be okay through the storms of life? Am I strengthening myself now for what is to come later? Can I still believe and have faith when I see "my prayers" for myself answered in someone else's life? (ex: They're physically healed from their disease. Mine is still hanging on.) What are your prayers? Are you willing to allow God the sovereignty to know more than you and to give Him your heart and time even if?

Let me make it clear, I pray all of the time about my wants and needs! "Please heal my body" is still right at the top.  "Please take care of... as they travel."  "Help me this day in....."  I'm always giving my requests to God.  But my focus is trying to change, as He is trying to change my hearts desire to match His desire. Its not about, "should I take this job or that?" "What is going to happen to my life if...?" It is all about your heart walk with God...
He does "give jobs, heal the diseases, change our circumstances" , but through it all He is constantly calling us in relationship to Him.  How is He calling you?  How is He healing my heart?

Jim McGuiggan, Reflections on Prayer

Meaning of Masculinity

"Lori's story is heartbreaking. A young woman in her twenties and newly married, she was never the delight of her husband's eyes. Instead, he encouraged her to work as a stripper so that he could watch other men gawk at her. He exchanged the privilege and joy of an intimate meaningful relationship with his wife for a despicable moment of false sensuality. This husband's heart, rather than good, was a staggering evil (see Matthew 12:35)." (Harry Schaumburg, "Undefiled: Redemption From Sexual Sin, Restoration for Broken Relationships")


Yesterday morning I was up early as usual and doing some reading. I was studying for L!VE, a college ministry I teach at every Tuesday night. My topic was "Meaning of Masculinity". I stumbled upon Harry's book, for he has a great definition of masculinity that I was searching for. However, in my study, I was stopped dead in my tracks. Some years ago Harry called me and asked my permission to use my story in his new book that he was writing at the time. I gave him my permission, but never did build up enough courage to actually buy it. Well, after reading this paragraph, I jumped up and abruptly bought the book. Right in front of me was my story, only my name had once again been changed.

All day yesterday, I pondered Harry's words. All day, I thought about the men that have been in my life. All day, I kept focusing on what "my" young men needed to hear. What is going to build them into masculine men? What am I going to say to them that will build them up and not shoot them down?


"For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body." (Ephesians 5:25-30)


Ah, my current husband, Jason. He is my perfect example. What is masculinity? It is a man who can walk into a chaotic situation and bring peace. He is a man who can stand still in the middle of a storm, look it in the face and Not back down. He has never had to try and prove to me that he is physically stronger than I, for his demeanor is confidence. He is Christ's representative to me. His strength has redeemed me. I was broken. I am now healed and whole.


As I look at these verses, as I look at my two marriages, I can see the true power of a man. I am their reflections in their mirror. One man was broken and wrecked by life, his reflection was what he did to his wife. The other man had faced many trials, some he had won, some he had lost, but once again the reflection of how he valued himself was seen in his wife. He has brought redemption into my life. He has washed me clean and helped me to feel the pure love of Christ. A masculine man is a man who is calm, confident (outwardly, even if on the inside he is panicking) consistent ... Ah, yes, Consistent! I can trust Jason, for I am never taken by surprise. He is consistent. If he is afraid of something, he tells me. He lets me know exactly where we are financially. He shares with me everything, hiding nothing, but in this I find security, for all of it is known. I know where we are and where we are going. It took both my husbands to teach me to value Jason's strengths, for I know the dark side of the moon. I love to dance in the embrace of my strong man. Even if things look daunting (and they have) I know I can trust him. And this is masculine.


My charge to you men who are married, take a good look at your wife. What do you see? Is she secure or is she broken? Deuteronomy 23:1 Grow some balls and meet your wife in her chaos, bring peace in her storm. For if you do not, "your prayers will be hindered." 1 Peter 3:7 You are called to be your families redeemer. God does not take this lightly and neither should you.


My charge to you younger men, start practicing now how you are wanting to be later. Take your role seriously as the men God made you to be. Stop looking at porn and selling your relationship with your future wife. I truly believe that Viagra's business is booming because of men's addiction to porn. For if you are addicted to this lethal drug of pornography your wife will never be able to satisfy you. Take it from me, my ex-husband could never be satisfied for "meaninglessness does not come from being weary of pain, but it comes from being weary of pleasure," (RZ). Face the storms of life now, so that you will be able to bring redemption to her then... for the chances of your wife coming to you in her brokenness is very high in our society. Can you stand the tests of this world now, so that you are ready to one day become your families redeemer?


My husband, Jason, has my complete and total respect. I love him and desire him like none other. I feel pure and clean, washed by his love and redemption. This is the meaning of masculinity...

Prayers Answered

When we start believing in Christ, when we have been following Him obediently our whole lives, when we change our lives and start becoming different people, what do we expect Him to really do for us?   What are we looking for?  What do we really expect to happen?  If we have been struggling with our finances, do we expect Him to start sending us more business?  If we have been struggling with our health, do we expect Him to heal us?  If we have been struggling with an addiction, do we expect Him to instantly take those past desires away?  The list can go on and on.  I only named a few things that have been my own personal struggle.

I cannot think of any passages anywhere in the bible that tell us, "once we "believe" our lives will become easy and all past hurts and struggles will just disappear."   If there are let me know!  But in my small amount of reading just this morning, I did see something that we are promised...

1 Corinthians 1:4-9, " I always thank my God for you and for the gracious gifts He has given you, now that you belong to Christ Jesus.  Through Him, God has enriched your church in every way—with all of your eloquent words and all of your knowledge.  This confirms that what I told you about Christ is true.  Now you have every spiritual gift you need as you eagerly wait for the return of our Lord Jesus Christ.  He will keep you strong to the end so that you will be free from all blame on the day when our Lord Jesus Christ returns.  God will do this, for He is faithful to do what He says, and He has invited you into partnership with His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord."

Now for my personal experience.  When Jason and I almost lost everything we had, because we were caught upside down in our finances, did we expect God to come in and salvage everything with no effort from us?  We wanted Him to, we begged Him to send us business!  It did not happen that way.  Everything that I held with great importance was stripped away.  Because of my health, which I was begging God to heal me from my MS, my food in my home was of great importance.  I wanted to be a stay at home mom and home-school my boys. Everything changed for me.  I had to start working to help my husband with the bills and our food budget was drastically reduced!  I was tempted to become very resentful of Jason for "not taking better care of us."  I was tempted to blame God for not coming in and playing Santa Clause for us and giving us gifts that I knew He could give us for our "good behavior."  But I worked very hard not to let my emotions take me away into bitter land.  Through turning to Christ, instead of turning away from Him, I found a spirit of thankfulness for what we did still have. 

I have worked very diligently to change my life.  I have had to submit when nothing in my body wanted to submit.  I have had to break the strongholds of addictions, of feeling abused, of finances, of health issues, the list could go on and on and so often I am still coming up with something else which I am having to lay aside.  But, for the sake of Christ, from the gifts of my Lord I am able to enjoy this life and see the truth that has been promised me.  I have been promised a relationship, a personal encounter with God.  "God will do this, for He is faithful to do what He says, and He has invited you into partnership with His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord."  


I can promise you this, this life is not easy!  I can promise you this, our Lord and Savior is so worth the effort.  It is through God that I have found freedom.  It is through Christ that I can look in the mirror every morning and remember that I am worth the effort.  It is through Christ that I have discovered my spiritual gifts.  I can speak softly to others, instead of lashing out at them.  I have knowledge that I would not have without God's help.  What are you expecting of God?  


1 Corinthians 1:30-31, "God has united you with Christ Jesus. For our benefit God made Him to be wisdom itself. Christ made us right with God; He made us pure and holy, and He freed us from sin.  Therefore, as the Scriptures say, 'If you want to boast, boast only about the Lord.'”

Our prayers should not be that we "get" something from God, but that we become one with Him.  It is in becoming one with Him that our eyes become open and we can see all of the good and perfect gifts He gives us each day.  “No eye has seen, no ear has heard and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him.”  My prayers have been answered in ways that I could have never imagined.  We appreciate our money in ways we could have never appreciated it without this struggle.  I can see an addiction coming upon me and stop it before it takes hold of my life.  I know how to nourish and love my body like never before.  Even if one day we loose everything and have to move in with my parents, even if my body stops working completely and I can no longer function physically like I can now, I can still rejoice in the Lord.  "But people who aren’t spiritual can’t receive these truths from God’s Spirit. It all sounds foolish to them and they can’t understand it, for only those who are spiritual can understand what the Spirit means.  Those who are spiritual can evaluate all things, but they themselves cannot be evaluated by others.  For, 'Who can know the Lord’s thoughts? Who knows enough to teach him?' But we understand these things, for we have the mind of Christ," (2:14-16).

Thinking of Prayer as Jesus Taught

What are your prayers?  Can you see God working in you through the hard times you are having?  Is your heart becoming soft, or bitter?  The answer to these questions reveal our hearts to us.  How is God answering our prayers for our own hearts, for our own protection?

Security even in Death

There are so many things that I was not able to say to you when I was with you. On one hand, in my selfishness, I want you to be healed. I do not want you to go. But on the other, I know you are ready if you do. When I asked you if you were scare, you looked at me with confidence and said, "No, darling not at all." But, death is hard and it is something none of us are truly ready for. It is hard for me, because I am still here without you. But I want to thank you. Thank you for being so faithful. Thank you for giving me peace here. It is only because of your faith in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ that I can have peace in knowing Whose you are, when you are gone one day.

When my grandmother died, my mom had one regret. I felt that same regret when I left you the other day. Mom's regret was telling her to hold on till the others could get there and that they were coming. Later what she wanted to tell her mother was that she was so excited for her, for she was finally going Home. In my own want, I want to tell you to hold on. In my knowledge of where your destiny is, I want to tell you how excited I am for you if this is your time. You may soon be at true peace. If this is your time, your journey is just now about to begin!

My sweet friend,
Thank you for having your faith. This is all so selfish on my part, but thank you for giving me peace here, now. I can let you go if I have to, and not live in mourning when you do leave. I can do this all because of your faith. If there were no God and you were just gone, that would still be so sad. For then, all that would be left are my memories of you and when I am gone, then you would truly be gone too. If you had not been a believer and there is a God, that would be devastating for me and I would not be able to bear the thought. But, this is not the case at all. You are going Home. And I am so excited for you. When my grandmother died, we did not even really cry. I mean we were sad that we were no longer going to have her here, but we did not grieve her death. We rejoiced with her.

At the same time, I know how powerful our Lord is. I am still holding on to the fact that God could change His mind. "'Remember, LORD, how 'Daun' has walked before you faithfully and with wholehearted devotion and has done what is good in your eyes'...This is what the Lord says,'...I have heard your prayer and seen your tears; I will heal you... I will add fifteen years to your life'" (2 Kings 20) For me now, I am still holding on to the possibility that He can always change His mind. But if by chance, this is the last opportunity that I have, I am so excited for you. Thank you for giving me the wonderful memories that only you and I share. Thank you for helping me when I needed you the most. Most of all thank you for loving Christ, so that I can live here without you. When you do go Home, you will be reunited with your Husband. What wondrous joy. May He heal you. May He give you His peace. May He comfort you. I love you.

To My Sweet Daunsie

2 Kings 20:1-6, "In those days Hezekiah became ill and was at the point of death. The prophet Isaiah son of Amoz went to him and said, 'This is what the LORD says: Put your house in order, because you are going to die; you will not recover.' Hezekiah turned his face to the wall and prayed to the LORD, 'Remember, LORD, how I have walked before you faithfully and with wholehearted devotion and have done what is good in your eyes.' And Hezekiah wept bitterly. Before Isaiah had left the middle court, the word of the LORD came to him: 'Go back and tell Hezekiah, the ruler of my people, ‘This is what the LORD, the God of your father David, says: I have heard your prayer and seen your tears; I will heal you. On the third day from now you will go up to the temple of the LORD. I will add fifteen years to your life.'"

To my sweet Daunsie,
I want you to know the good that you have done. I want to tell you how much I love you. As I sat by your bed this weekend, I just could not get out the words that were burning within my heart. Every time that I have ever been with you I have felt like a student at the feet of her teacher. You have loved me with a love of a mother, my entire life. You have gotten in my face, in my space, and been the bossiest woman I have ever known. You are demanding and you speak what is on your mind, no matter what. This I love. I love it because I know you love me. I have always known you love me, because you are so intense with me. I want to thank you for showing me how to love with such passion and enthusiasm.

I so wish that I could have come to more SOS's. I wanted to, so badly, but the 1000 miles between us kept getting in my way! Those young women were blessed more than you will ever know. I know this, for look how much you blessed me. You have done your job very well. You have taken the gifts that you were given and you stretched yourself enough to teach others. Not many women are willing to lay aside their own insecurities and their own wants, in order to step out and help those younger than they are. I think they believe the lies that Satan is feeding them; that they have nothing to share and no one to teach. You did not do this, and I cannot thank you enough.

As I knelt beside you this weekend, I couldn't help but want to draw closer, so I could hear you better. I will stand with you in prayer. Now is the time for those you have loved to stand with you and hold you up to God. Now is the time for us to be strong with you. We will stand by you and pray Hezekiah's prayer with you.

"Remember, LORD, how 'Daun' has walked before you faithfully and with wholehearted devotion and has done what is good in your eyes."

"Why did Abraham stop praying when he did? He stopped because he still was lacking the level of intimacy in his relationship with God, which would enable him boldly to continue on with the Lord in prayer until his desire was granted. Whenever we stop short of our true desire in prayer and say, “Well, I don’t know, maybe this is not God’s will,” then we still have another level to go. It shows that we are not as intimately acquainted with God as Jesus was, and as Jesus would have us to be—“ (Oswald Chambers)

When we start to think that anything is too big for God, we must remember that nothing is too big. We stand with you, Daun, in prayer to our God. We ask Him to heal you and to restore you, to your health. We ask Him to give you fifteen more years, so that you can continue to teach those younger than you. Stay strong, sweet woman. Fight against the illness and do what you have to, in order to allow your body to become healthier. Fight against the nausea and eat, even though you do not feel like eating. Drink even though you do not feel like drinking. You do your part and we will do ours. Be strong, my sweet friend, I LOVE YOU....

Chasing Rabbits

"'As they followed they were afraid' —Mark 10:32

At the beginning of our life with Jesus Christ, we were sure we knew all there was to know about following Him. It was a delight to forsake everything else and to throw ourselves before Him in a fearless statement of love. But now we are not quite so sure. Jesus is far ahead of us and is beginning to seem different and unfamiliar— 'Jesus was going before them; and they were amazed' (Mark 10:32).

There is an aspect of Jesus that chills even a disciple’s heart to its depth and makes his entire spiritual life gasp for air. This unusual Person with His face set 'like a flint' (Isaiah 50:7) is walking with great determination ahead of me, and He strikes terror right through me. He no longer seems to be my Counselor and Friend and has a point of view about which I know nothing. All I can do is stand and stare at Him in amazement. At first I was confident that I understood Him, but now I am not so sure. I begin to realize that there is a distance between Jesus and me and I can no longer be intimate with Him. I have no idea where He is going, and the goal has become strangely distant.

Jesus Christ had to understand fully every sin and sorrow that human beings could experience, and that is what makes Him seem unfamiliar. When we see this aspect of Him, we realize we really don’t know Him. We don’t recognize even one characteristic of His life, and we don’t know how to begin to follow Him. He is far ahead of us, a Leader who seems totally unfamiliar, and we have no friendship with Him.

The discipline of dismay is an essential lesson which a disciple must learn. The danger is that we tend to look back on our times of obedience and on our past sacrifices to God in an effort to keep our enthusiasm for Him strong (see Isaiah 1:10-11). But when the darkness of dismay comes, endure until it is over, because out of it will come the ability to follow Jesus truly, which brings inexpressibly wonderful joy." (Oswald Chambers)

This is where I am currently. Many times though this new journey with Christ, I have been very confident in where He was taking me. Then other times, like now, I can become very insecure. Just the other day I was in Ouray with my family and had to step away from them in order to have some quiet so that I could set the day in focus. (I must start my day with Christ, otherwise I can be a monster.) I separated myself and went and sat on a bridge overlooking the river. I sat there and begged God to show me. Show me where I am supposed to go and what I was supposed to do next. "Please God, help me. I do not want to be chasing rabbits down a rabbit hole and miss what I have right in front of me. I do not want to be spending all this energy and time on something that is just leading me astray from what is truly important. I do not want to be striving for something that is not going to do anything, but to draw my attention away from my family. Help me to keep focus. Do not let me loose relationship with them and with You while I travel this path. Help me keep the moment in front of me as my focus while I try my best to obey You in the everyday."

Stepping out in obedience can be some of the hardest and most insecure times in our life. I do not want to look like a fool. I do not want to miss what God really has for me. I do not want to chase rabbits down a rabbit hole. I do not want to disobey, while trying to obey. It can become very confusing.

Then God sends me Oswald and I can hear Him speaking to me.... "Wait. Be patient. Just keep today as your focus and do your best today. You are not here to conquer the world. You are here to enjoy and have peace in this moment. You are here to love those I have given you. Tomorrow will take care of tomorrow. Work when I tell you to work and rest when I tell you to rest. Nothing may happen in others eyes, but you will be able to see Me more clearly. Show your children, today, how much I love them. Show your husband, today, how much I love him. It is in the moment that you will find My peace and love. I will take care of the big picture. You take care of the moment, while you walk in obedience to Me, today."

Prayer

Nehemiah, when you think of him, do you think of his prayers and how they affected his life? I usually don't. But, his prayers were how his life played out. His prayers were how he began his mission. His prayers were what gave him the strength to fight the opposition and the courage to finish his job.

Nehemiah 1:4-7, "When I heard these things, I sat down and wept. For some days I mourned and fasted and prayed before the God of heaven. Then I said: 'O LORD, God of heaven, the great and awesome God, who keeps His covenant of love with those who love Him and obey His commands, let Your ear be attentive and Your eyes open to hear the prayer Your servant is praying before You day and night for Your servants, the people of Israel. I confess the sins we Israelites, including myself and my father's house, have committed against You. We have acted very wickedly toward You. We have not obeyed the commands, decrees and laws You gave Your servant Moses.'"

Nehemiah starts his prayer with the awareness of God's sovereignty and His holy awesomeness. Then before he complains and tells God all that is gone wrong, he first looks at himself and sees the sins that have been committed against God. He starts by looking at God and after he looks at how wonderful God is, he can then see clearly how he has failed himself.

After Nehemiah had spent many days in prayer to God, he was ready for what was to come next. (2:4), "The king said to me, 'What is it you want?' Then I prayed to the God of heaven, and I answered the king...." Nehemiah was ready and waiting for God to show him the right timing and when he was presented with his opportunity to visit with the king he did not jump right in and give the king his answer, but he took the problem to God before he answered the king with his own words.

While they were working hard to rebuild the wall, they were greeted with opposition. But instead of taking the insults personally, Nehemiah knew the one they were really insulting was God, and he asked God to deal with them. (4:4-5), "Hear us, O our God, for we are despised. Turn their insults back on their own heads. Give them over as plunder in a land of captivity. Do not cover up their guilt or blot out their sins from your sight, for they have thrown insults in the face of the builders. So we rebuilt the wall till all of it reached half its height, for the people worked with all their heart."

(4:9), "But we prayed to our God and posted a guard day and night to meet this threat." They believed God. They knew God was in control. They relied on God, but this did not mean that they did not take the necessary precautions while they they were working out God's plan for their life.

(6:9), "They were all trying to frighten us, thinking, 'Their hands will get too weak for the work, and it will not be completed.' But I prayed, 'Now strengthen my hands.'" While they were working, he prayed that God would give them the strength to continue. Nehemiah knew where the strength came from. He knew that without God's help, they would not be able to complete the task.

While Nehemiah was working he kept his focus. (13:29), "Remember them, O my God, because they defiled the priestly office and the covenant of the priesthood and of the Levites." It would have been so easy for him to get bitter against the people and to take out his own revenge, but he knew whose right it was to keep justice. He kept his focus on God and his role with his relationship with God.

(5:19), "Remember me with favor, O my God..." (13:14), "Remember me for this, O my God, and do not blot out what I have so faithfully done for the house of my God and its services." (13:22), "Then I commanded the Levites to purify themselves and go and guard the gates in order to keep the Sabbath day holy. Remember me for this also, O my God, and show mercy to me according to Your great love." (13:31), "Remember me with favor, O my God." In asking God to remember him, Nehemiah kept his mind clear and kept him focused on why he was doing all of this.

As we walk through life, do we take all of what we do before God? When we first see something that is broken, do we begin with asking God to forgive us of our own sins? We are often faced with a task. Can we keep our focus on God and allow Him to deal with the opposition in front of us? Do we think that we do not need to take action to protect ourselves, or do we think that it is showing more faith by being passive? Can we keep our focus on God, while we are working for Him? These are all lessons in prayer that we can learn from the life of Nehemiah. Have we begun our day in pray to God this day? Do we take every issue, everything to God throughout the day?

Prayer of Jabez

1 Chronicles 4:10, "Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, 'Oh, that You would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let Your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain.' And God granted his request."

The power of prayer. Is there any power there? We have been in some very hard times, for some time now. Business is struggling, for who is able to buy right now. In the midst of such pain and suffering, we find Jabez. The prayer of Jabez, in a long list of family genealogy, this is where we find him. He was a man born in pain and suffering. Yet, in the midst of pain and suffering, this is where he cried out to God, and this is where we see his prayer answered. This is where we cry out to God:

"Our Father, our Lord,
Hear our prayer. See our cry. We need You Father. We need You to answer us, for there is nowhere else for us to turn. Oh, that You would bless us and secure our business! Let Your hand be with us, and keep us from harm so that we will be free from pain. We have been open and honest in our dealings. We have honored You with our lives. Be with us Father, for we need You. Please do not hold us accountable for what others have done. We have turned every stone. If there is a stone left unturned, please show us so that we can deal with it."

Oswald Chambers, "Matthew 7:9, 'Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone?' The illustration of prayer that our Lord used here is one of a good child who is asking for something good. We talk about prayer as if God hears us regardless of what our relationship is to Him (see Matthew 5:45). Never say that it is not God’s will to give you what you ask. Don’t faint and give up, but find out the reason you have not received; increase the intensity of your search and examine the evidence. Is your relationship right with your spouse, your children, and your fellow students? Are you a 'good child' in those relationships? Do you have to say to the Lord, 'I have been irritable and cross, but I still want spiritual blessings'? You cannot receive and will have to do without them until you have the attitude of a 'good child.' ...I am a child of God only by being born again, and as His child I am good only as I 'walk in the light' (1 John 1:7). For most of us, prayer simply becomes some trivial religious expression, a matter of mystical and emotional fellowship with God. We are all good at producing spiritual fog that blinds our sight. But if we will search out and examine the evidence, we will see very clearly what is wrong— a friendship, an unpaid debt, or an improper attitude. There is no use praying unless we are living as children of God. Then Jesus says, regarding His children, 'Everyone who asks receives...' (Matthew 7:8)."

"We are not living blind, my Lord. We have done everything that we can do, please hear our cry. 'Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, 'Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain.' And God granted his request.' Please Father, help us. 'Everyone who asks receives...'"

Prayer's Power

Why have we been asked to pray? What is the point, and is there really any power with prayer?
Philippians 4:6-9, " Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. ...Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received..."

I have been sitting here this morning, thinking about my personal prayer life and what I have seen as I have observed others. I had a very large request here recently. I went in front of the church, I called on the elders to pray for my healing with my MS. I was seeing one thing, while God was working on another. My physical healing is coming. I am slowly regaining the use of my hands, I see it while things are coming together as I type. Its not perfect yet, but getting better. During this time another kind of healing has been taking place. The broken, still open wounds from my past have been addressed as I have had to rely more upon my husband. We have come together in prayer more during this time than any other. An intimacy between the two of us has been reached that has never before been breached in my life. Healing has been happening, that we were blind to until we opened ourselves up together, to God.

The power of prayer... Does God intervene? In my personal experience, I have to say, yes. Does He act, answer, heal in the way that I expect? I have to say, not usually. My healing time with my husband has been better than I could have ever imagined. How thankful I am to God, that He knows better. This time of prayer has strengthened our marriage. It has helped us to give our worries to Him. It has eased our minds and directed our thoughts to what is pure, lovely, and true. It has brought us together more physically and more intimately than one can imagine. It forced us to give up our inhibitions and to truly place ourselves in a more vulnerable position, in front of our all seeing Lord.

At times, when I watch others do their daily rituals with prayer, I want to say, "You are missing it!" It is not about praying before a meal, or before you go to sleep at night. It is about your true walk with your Savior. What is your walk saying about your heart? Honestly, I don't usually pray before I eat. I have never gone hungry, so my heart is not really thanking God for the food on the table. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful, but in everything I am constantly praying. When friends are over or our family is gathered together, then we pray. But it is not only for the food, but for the blessings of getting to share life with those we love. My prayer life starts when I wake in the morning. I gather my thoughts and focus on Jesus, for just a few short hours. Then my prayer walk that day starts, all day. They key for me, is to start my day thinking about my Lord. Then I can better walk with Him that day. My ritual starts in the morning. I get up, focus my thoughts, and start walking. I am just thankful that God saw, my most recent prayer, was better answered with Jason and me walking together in this prayer journey, with our King.

Oswald Chambers, "When we pray, asking God to sanctify us, are we prepared to measure up to what that really means?...The cost will be a deep restriction of all our earthly concerns, and an extensive cultivation of all our godly concerns. Sanctification means to be intensely focused on God’s point of view. It means to secure and to keep all the strength of our body, soul, and spirit for God’s purpose alone. Are we really prepared for God to perform in us everything for which He separated us?...Are we prepared to be caught up into the full meaning of Paul’s prayer in this verse? Are we prepared to say, 'Lord, make me, a sinner saved by grace, as holy as You can'? Jesus prayed that we might be one with Him, just as He is one with the Father (see John 17:21-23 ). The resounding evidence of the Holy Spirit in a person’s life is the unmistakable family likeness to Jesus Christ, and the freedom from everything which is not like Him. Are we prepared to set ourselves apart for the Holy Spirit’s work in us"

http://www.rbc.org/devotionals/my-utmost-for-his-highest/02/08/devotion.aspx?year=2010

Unanswered Prayers

I really want to be able to do this... it may take some time.

The other day I asked to be healed. I have been asking this of God for some time, but the other day I took it to our church. James 5:14, "Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well..." So, I did this in faith. We got together and prayer in faith was offered. I just knew that I would walk out of that room a healed woman. I found so much healing there, but what I was asking for, I did not find! I still cannot use my hands. I have to type using one finger at a time. So trust me this is taking some time. I left that room with so many different feelings, but healed was not one of them.

Why? Why does He tell us to come to Him, if He has no intention of answering us? Why does He ask me to put my heart on the line, and trust that I will be healed "instantly?" I come in prayer, fasting, and faith. Does He hear me? Does He care?

These were some of my questions that night and the next morning. I cried in anguish. My heart was broken and my body still dead. But as I cried, my Lord was with me, and I could hear Him. "You are my child. Do you love Me?" Yes Lord, you know that I love you. "Do you know that I love you?" Yes Jesus, I know that You love me. My tears were a steady stream flowing from my face, out of my heart. As the conversation continued, my pain was felt, and my Lord revealed.

I know my Lord. I know what it is like to be truly alone, with no one to hear me cry. I now have a relationship with my Father, and I know that He hears me, for I hear Him. The next night we had the Christmas Eve service at church. When I got there my spirits were better, but my heart was still heavy. Then the service began, and in that worship my joy was renewed. I felt the life of Christ restoring my heart, and I was risen again in Him. It is really not about me. It is not about his birth, miracles He preformed, or the life He led. It is about the Cross. I am sanctified, washed, saved, healed, restored, made new and whole again; all because of the Cross. I am saved because He lived, died, and rose again. He conquered death for me. He paid the debt I owe. I am truly a blessed woman, because I am His child.

My life is renewed and my joy is complete in Him, but I will not stop asking, hoping, and praying for my total physical restoration. He wants me to come to Him with every need. I need to be able to talk with my Lord. I need to know that I am not alone and that He cares. I do this through my prayers with Him. Luke 18:1-8, "Then Jesus told His disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up. He said: 'In a certain town there was a judge who neither feared God nor cared about men. And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, 'Grant me justice against my adversary.' For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, 'Even though I don't fear God or care about men, yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won't eventually wear me out with her coming!' And the Lord said, 'Listen to what the unjust judge says. And will not God bring about justice for His chosen ones, who cry out to Him day and night? Will He keep putting them off? I tell you, He will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will He find faith on the earth?"

"Oh my God, how I love You. Even when I feel You are not answering my request, I know You are here. Thank You, for being the God that I love and know. Even if in my body I suffer, I am not alone. I thank You most for this. Thank You, for saving me through the Cross. Thank You for loving me more. My request is still the same. Please heal my body, restore the feeling to my hands. But until then, I will sing about my joy in You. I will wait in You, until You heal me..."