Ladies Night Out
Study Notes
Study Notes
4-7-08
I recently went to another Stone Gate retreat. Stone Gate is the counseling center I went to, after I left my ex-husband. I have a strong desire to share, what we learned there. To encourage you, when you face the difficult times, your husband probably already faces, everyday.
I want you to raise your hands, if your husband is in church leadership; pastor/preacher, youth minister, worship leader/song leader, deacon, elder.
50% of all men in church leadership struggle with some sort of pornography
80% of the rest of men struggle with it
Gen 2:15, 18, 20
The garden was not paradise.
It is a place to work. It was a lot of work for Adam so he needed help, God gave him a helper fit for him.
I watch Jimmy and Karen Evans on Marriage Today, Channel 369, DTV. I have not looked this up, but he says that the word helper, is used to describe two different things in the bible. This one certain word, that is used in Genesis to describe Eve, is the same word used to describe the Holy Spirit.
I looked up Holy Spirit on the internet and this is some of the things that were said.
The Holy Spirit is composed of intellect, emotions and will. In 1 Corinthians 2:11, we see an example of the Holy Spirit’s intellect and will: “For what man knoweth the things of a man, save the spirit of man which is in him? Even so the things of God knoweth no man, but the Spirit of God.” In Romans 15:30, we see the Holy Spirit has emotion, as represented by the capacity to love: “Now I beseech you, brethren, for the Lord Jesus Christ's sake, and for the love of the Spirit, that you strive together with me in your prayers to God for me;” Although the Holy Spirit has all the characteristics of God, He has specific roles and functions in our lives. In John 16:13, we see the Spirit of Truth as our guide: “When the Spirit of truth comes, He will guide you into all truth: He will not be presenting his own ideas; he will be telling you what he has heard. He will tell you about the future.” In John 14:26, we learn that the Holy Spirit is our Counselor and teacher: “But the Comforter, which is the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you.” In 1 Corinthians 3:16, we see that the Holy Spirit lives inside us: “Don’t you realize that all of you together are the temple of God and that the Spirit of God lives in you?” In Acts 1:8, we understand where our power comes from: “When the Holy Spirit has come upon you, you will receive power…." In Romans 8:26, we learn that the Holy Spirit is there for us in times of weakness and prayer: “And the Holy Spirit helps us in our distress. For we don’t even know what we should pray for, or how we should pray. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words.”
In saying all of this I am not saying you are to be a nag and nag your husbands to death. We are not RIGHT about everything. And we are not the “know all” for our husbands.
This is the role of the Holy Spirit; How do we, fulfill this role, as helper, for our husbands? Can we place ourselves in the line of fire and pray for our husbands, can we help him to feel powerful? The question is; can we help him?
What do we need most from our husbands? What was the command of husbands toward their wives?
Eph 5:22
“Husbands must love your wives with the same love Christ showed the church…to make her holy and clean….for a man is actually loving himself when he loves his wife.”
What do you see in the commandment for Husbands?
Something stood out to me that hit me right in my face. When I was married before and my husband was not loving me, at all, and was trying to destroy everything about me, who was he really hating, who was he truly trying to hurt? Himself. “For a man is actually loving himself when he loves his wife.” This is very sad to me, because instead of helping him with his self-hate I “turned up the volume.” I was no helper. I was his enemy.
What is our command? While he is telling the husband how they are to behave, toward their wives, he tells the wife what she needs to do, for her husband.
Eph 5:33
“Wife must respect your husband”
How do we respect a man that we see as week? How do we show him the honor he deserves as a husband when we do not feel he is living up to the command that God gave him? How do we stay with a man that has committed adultery, lives in silent pornography, or shows no respect or love toward us as wives? How?
All of this, for a long time, baffled me. Yes, it is easy to respect a man who loves me first. It is easy to follow a man who leads a godly life. How do you fulfill your role as a wife when your husband is, in your eyes, not even close to being the man that God called him to be?
I can tell you what will not work.
*Giving in to his weakness, never works. (looking at ect…)
*Disrespecting him, calling him names, throwing it in his face etc.
*Giving up on him
*Treating him with contempt
*Leaving him
None of these things work. Do you see anything of the Holy Spirit in any of these things? Truly how can this help him to love himself more? How can this show him who God truly is? Your job, as a helper, is to help him. Show him love and respect, so that he feels respectable.
I used to think that if a man is struggling with pornography, strip clubs, prostitution, etc; KICK HIM OUT!
I ask you, do you ever see the Holy Spirit saying, you are pathetic, you are dirt, you must leave, I never want to see you again, you will never amount to anything! No, the Holy Spirit is always there, trying to help you.
And how does he help you? By praying for you, with groanings, that you cannot understand.
Do you have to let him sleep with you? No, he can sleep on the couch.
Suppose your husband struggles with pornography and he has had struggles flirting with the idea of strip clubs, but has never acted on this. After you catch him and knock him to his knees, with your words of conformation, about how pathetic and worthless he is, you kick him out. Where do you think he will turn? You may just help him jump right into the pit he has so desperately been trying to avoid. Because let me tell you those women will give him exactly what he feels he needs, and that is to feel desired, on top of everything, worthy of respect (just because he is a man), and wanted.
I am in no way saying that it is your fault if he chooses to sin. But, ask yourself are you helping him. Is it your goal to help him get to heaven?
Now what does the bible say works?
*Wife must respect her husband
*Submit to your husband, as to God (God first Husband second)
*As a Helper
*Speak the truth in love, speak lovingly
*As a counselor
*Most of all PRAY for him
*Live so that he sees a change in you, God in you
*Live for God first
*Be nice
You cannot change your husband. You ARE commanded to help him, respect him and submit to him, and obey him.
You may not respect his actions. Just like we may not respect the person in office as president, we respect the position. He is your husband and you must respect his position.
If you are critical of your husband, you are not interceding for him. You are not praying for him and what he needs in order to obey God. You may be praying, but it is not what he needs, you will be praying for what you want.
To live by prayer is to pray often for pardon, peace with God and Brokenness. (sometimes in order to change we must first be broken)
We pray for God to change things rather than for God to change us.
Col 1:9-14
This is how we are to pray. The only thing that matters is that, we know God better and our husbands know God better. When this happens, God will guide us in our daily walk and we will not have to feel like, we have to do it all, on our own.
You are your husbands support group. This means you hold him accountable, you are his friend. You will not accept whatever action he throws at you, but you are on his side.
You are not his teacher, but you are his helper. And the closer you are in loving your God the better you will be at loving your husband the way Christ intended you to love him.
You have to ask yourself, When your spouses “body is in hell” is it the act that is most important to you or is it his soul.
God will do whatever it takes to save his soul all you have to do is be there for him when it hits, because sometimes, the things that save us hurt the most.
The loss of a life is nothing compared to the loss of a soul. Are you willing to lose your life here on earth in order to save your husband’s soul?
When the hard times come you must be willing to meditate on the Sovereignty of God during those difficult circumstances.
When we suffer in difficulties we often blame the devil. Be careful about blaming everything on the Devil. Look at what is really going on. God is in control of everything including evil.
Your job is to pursue vigorous holiness not self fulfillment. Its all about REDEMPTION. Am I living to glorify God? Our personal calling is to glorify God.
Our hearts are deceitful, we have short memories. Remind one another.
Rom 12:2
Don’t become arrogant. It is not about your husband’s actions, it is all about how you respond to him.
This life is not “my life” what does God want me to do?
The Garden was work, Marriage is work.
You are the helper in the garden; the garden is the world of people out there that are struggling without God, who need to know God. The garden just may be right in your own home.
It is your job to help your husband, if your husband is the only one that comes to Christ through your obeying Christ, isn’t that enough?
Don’t make marriage a god. You must know your job, you must recognize it and you must, with all of your heart and all of your strength turn to God and ask him to help you help your husband, with the work that is to be done. What ever that work is.
Girl’s, I know how it feels when you are asking, “Why aren’t I enough for you, why can’t you just love me and not need anyone else?”
You have to remember this struggle is not about you, it is his internal battle, with his own self worth. And you have the power to either be his helper or the one who hinders him the most. Choose to be his helper. I so, regret that I did not chose this path the first time. You must ask yourself, is his soul worth it?
Get close to God; fall in love with your savior. Ultimately, this is the only way you will ever be able to truly fulfill your roll in this world as a “HELPER.”
I want you to raise your hands, if your husband is in church leadership; pastor/preacher, youth minister, worship leader/song leader, deacon, elder.
50% of all men in church leadership struggle with some sort of pornography
80% of the rest of men struggle with it
Gen 2:15, 18, 20
The garden was not paradise.
It is a place to work. It was a lot of work for Adam so he needed help, God gave him a helper fit for him.
I watch Jimmy and Karen Evans on Marriage Today, Channel 369, DTV. I have not looked this up, but he says that the word helper, is used to describe two different things in the bible. This one certain word, that is used in Genesis to describe Eve, is the same word used to describe the Holy Spirit.
I looked up Holy Spirit on the internet and this is some of the things that were said.
The Holy Spirit is composed of intellect, emotions and will. In 1 Corinthians 2:11, we see an example of the Holy Spirit’s intellect and will: “For what man knoweth the things of a man, save the spirit of man which is in him? Even so the things of God knoweth no man, but the Spirit of God.” In Romans 15:30, we see the Holy Spirit has emotion, as represented by the capacity to love: “Now I beseech you, brethren, for the Lord Jesus Christ's sake, and for the love of the Spirit, that you strive together with me in your prayers to God for me;” Although the Holy Spirit has all the characteristics of God, He has specific roles and functions in our lives. In John 16:13, we see the Spirit of Truth as our guide: “When the Spirit of truth comes, He will guide you into all truth: He will not be presenting his own ideas; he will be telling you what he has heard. He will tell you about the future.” In John 14:26, we learn that the Holy Spirit is our Counselor and teacher: “But the Comforter, which is the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you.” In 1 Corinthians 3:16, we see that the Holy Spirit lives inside us: “Don’t you realize that all of you together are the temple of God and that the Spirit of God lives in you?” In Acts 1:8, we understand where our power comes from: “When the Holy Spirit has come upon you, you will receive power…." In Romans 8:26, we learn that the Holy Spirit is there for us in times of weakness and prayer: “And the Holy Spirit helps us in our distress. For we don’t even know what we should pray for, or how we should pray. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words.”
In saying all of this I am not saying you are to be a nag and nag your husbands to death. We are not RIGHT about everything. And we are not the “know all” for our husbands.
This is the role of the Holy Spirit; How do we, fulfill this role, as helper, for our husbands? Can we place ourselves in the line of fire and pray for our husbands, can we help him to feel powerful? The question is; can we help him?
What do we need most from our husbands? What was the command of husbands toward their wives?
Eph 5:22
“Husbands must love your wives with the same love Christ showed the church…to make her holy and clean….for a man is actually loving himself when he loves his wife.”
What do you see in the commandment for Husbands?
Something stood out to me that hit me right in my face. When I was married before and my husband was not loving me, at all, and was trying to destroy everything about me, who was he really hating, who was he truly trying to hurt? Himself. “For a man is actually loving himself when he loves his wife.” This is very sad to me, because instead of helping him with his self-hate I “turned up the volume.” I was no helper. I was his enemy.
What is our command? While he is telling the husband how they are to behave, toward their wives, he tells the wife what she needs to do, for her husband.
Eph 5:33
“Wife must respect your husband”
How do we respect a man that we see as week? How do we show him the honor he deserves as a husband when we do not feel he is living up to the command that God gave him? How do we stay with a man that has committed adultery, lives in silent pornography, or shows no respect or love toward us as wives? How?
All of this, for a long time, baffled me. Yes, it is easy to respect a man who loves me first. It is easy to follow a man who leads a godly life. How do you fulfill your role as a wife when your husband is, in your eyes, not even close to being the man that God called him to be?
I can tell you what will not work.
*Giving in to his weakness, never works. (looking at ect…)
*Disrespecting him, calling him names, throwing it in his face etc.
*Giving up on him
*Treating him with contempt
*Leaving him
None of these things work. Do you see anything of the Holy Spirit in any of these things? Truly how can this help him to love himself more? How can this show him who God truly is? Your job, as a helper, is to help him. Show him love and respect, so that he feels respectable.
I used to think that if a man is struggling with pornography, strip clubs, prostitution, etc; KICK HIM OUT!
I ask you, do you ever see the Holy Spirit saying, you are pathetic, you are dirt, you must leave, I never want to see you again, you will never amount to anything! No, the Holy Spirit is always there, trying to help you.
And how does he help you? By praying for you, with groanings, that you cannot understand.
Do you have to let him sleep with you? No, he can sleep on the couch.
Suppose your husband struggles with pornography and he has had struggles flirting with the idea of strip clubs, but has never acted on this. After you catch him and knock him to his knees, with your words of conformation, about how pathetic and worthless he is, you kick him out. Where do you think he will turn? You may just help him jump right into the pit he has so desperately been trying to avoid. Because let me tell you those women will give him exactly what he feels he needs, and that is to feel desired, on top of everything, worthy of respect (just because he is a man), and wanted.
I am in no way saying that it is your fault if he chooses to sin. But, ask yourself are you helping him. Is it your goal to help him get to heaven?
Now what does the bible say works?
*Wife must respect her husband
*Submit to your husband, as to God (God first Husband second)
*As a Helper
*Speak the truth in love, speak lovingly
*As a counselor
*Most of all PRAY for him
*Live so that he sees a change in you, God in you
*Live for God first
*Be nice
You cannot change your husband. You ARE commanded to help him, respect him and submit to him, and obey him.
You may not respect his actions. Just like we may not respect the person in office as president, we respect the position. He is your husband and you must respect his position.
If you are critical of your husband, you are not interceding for him. You are not praying for him and what he needs in order to obey God. You may be praying, but it is not what he needs, you will be praying for what you want.
To live by prayer is to pray often for pardon, peace with God and Brokenness. (sometimes in order to change we must first be broken)
We pray for God to change things rather than for God to change us.
Col 1:9-14
This is how we are to pray. The only thing that matters is that, we know God better and our husbands know God better. When this happens, God will guide us in our daily walk and we will not have to feel like, we have to do it all, on our own.
You are your husbands support group. This means you hold him accountable, you are his friend. You will not accept whatever action he throws at you, but you are on his side.
You are not his teacher, but you are his helper. And the closer you are in loving your God the better you will be at loving your husband the way Christ intended you to love him.
You have to ask yourself, When your spouses “body is in hell” is it the act that is most important to you or is it his soul.
God will do whatever it takes to save his soul all you have to do is be there for him when it hits, because sometimes, the things that save us hurt the most.
The loss of a life is nothing compared to the loss of a soul. Are you willing to lose your life here on earth in order to save your husband’s soul?
When the hard times come you must be willing to meditate on the Sovereignty of God during those difficult circumstances.
When we suffer in difficulties we often blame the devil. Be careful about blaming everything on the Devil. Look at what is really going on. God is in control of everything including evil.
Your job is to pursue vigorous holiness not self fulfillment. Its all about REDEMPTION. Am I living to glorify God? Our personal calling is to glorify God.
Our hearts are deceitful, we have short memories. Remind one another.
Rom 12:2
Don’t become arrogant. It is not about your husband’s actions, it is all about how you respond to him.
This life is not “my life” what does God want me to do?
The Garden was work, Marriage is work.
You are the helper in the garden; the garden is the world of people out there that are struggling without God, who need to know God. The garden just may be right in your own home.
It is your job to help your husband, if your husband is the only one that comes to Christ through your obeying Christ, isn’t that enough?
Don’t make marriage a god. You must know your job, you must recognize it and you must, with all of your heart and all of your strength turn to God and ask him to help you help your husband, with the work that is to be done. What ever that work is.
Girl’s, I know how it feels when you are asking, “Why aren’t I enough for you, why can’t you just love me and not need anyone else?”
You have to remember this struggle is not about you, it is his internal battle, with his own self worth. And you have the power to either be his helper or the one who hinders him the most. Choose to be his helper. I so, regret that I did not chose this path the first time. You must ask yourself, is his soul worth it?
Get close to God; fall in love with your savior. Ultimately, this is the only way you will ever be able to truly fulfill your roll in this world as a “HELPER.”
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