Old Pictures

I was looking at some old pictures of my life, just the other day. I saw so much in those photos. My younger days were full of animals and bugs (tomboy days). I had very short hair and I was always dirty. It wasn't until I reached puberty that people realized I was a girl. My body started changing when I was in the 5th grade. I was so awkward. I had short curly hair, my mother insisted on perms, I had glasses, and I was developing breasts. I truly looked pathetic.

I was always a very lonely child. In fact most of my life I have been alone. I did not fit in with the rest of the girls. I was too interested in bugs and stuff. I look back at my childhood, I smile and hurt all at the same time. I had a good life. My parents gave us a good life. We were loved, but childhood is hard. It is a time of discovering who you are, developing your personality, and figuring out right from wrong.

How does a child, who is already confused and struggling with her changing body, handle being molested? I'll tell you how I handled it. I started letting all of the young boys feel me. I became "that girl." Then at age 15, I lost my virginity, in the boys bathroom at school. (And people wonder why I choose to home school)

All that I ever wanted was to get married, so that I would no longer have to struggle with sex. What I did not understand was, marriage would not fix a broken heart. That was never the answer. I married the first guy who would run away with me. I married him to avoid life. In return, I discovered the reality of life without Christ guiding your steps.

Ephesians 2
"Once you were dead, doomed forever because of your many sins. You used to live just like the rest of the world, full of sin, obeying Satan (the accuser), the mighty prince of the power of the air. He is the spirit at work in the hearts of those who refuse to obey God. All of us used to live that way, following the passions and desires of our evil nature. We were born with an evil nature, and we were under God's anger just like everyone else.
But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so very much, that even while we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead."

Satan "accused" me all of my life and convinced me that I was dirty, worthless, no good to anyone, I was only meant for sex and to be used. OH, how wonderful is Jesus. He found me while I was laying in my own blood and washed me clean. I am now pure. For the first time in my life I feel Pure, Holy, Clean and Wanted. I cry....

"Thank you, my Lord, for saving me while I was dying. Thank you, for loving me when I was unlovable."