Selfless Marriage

As I think of all of the problems that I have had with my marriage, it all can be summarized with one word, selfishness. God has called us to be selfless not selfish. Luke 11:33-36, "...Your eye is a lamp for your body. A pure eye lets sunshine into your soul. But an evil eye shuts out the light and plunges you into darkness. Make sure that the light you think you have is not really darkness. If you are filled light, with no dark corners, then your whole life will be radiant, as though a floodlight is shining on you." There is nothing darker than the selfish ambition of our own desires. James 4:1ff, "What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Isn't it the whole army of evil desires at war within you? ...I say it again, that if our aim is to enjoy this word, you can't be a friend of God."

I have a wonderful marriage. We have worked very hard for our marriage. We have discussed selfishness often, within our relationship. Usually a fight starts with one person thinking about them self, instead of the other person. By letting that person know that "we" were impaired because of what they did, a fight is started. But here is the catch, in order for their to be a fight both parties involved have to be defending their own wishes. So in a fight there is usually two selfish parties, not just one.

Most of the time there is one person who is offended more often than the other. That person is the selfish party. In the beginning of our marriage, I was the selfish one. I was the one that was so wounded and I defended myself ruthlessly, whether I thought I was right or not. We both still have our selfish moments, but we do not have many fights. We have learned that in a relationship, no one wins, there is compromise. Many times we will just let something slide, in the moment. But we always address our hurt or concern; at the appropriate time. Proverbs 13:3, "Those who control their tongue will have a long life; a quick retort can ruin everything." If you defend your actions in the middle of another's hurt, you will only bury the knife deeper in them and they will come back defensively.

We have a rule in our house. We are safe to bring our hurts to each other, without the other person defending them self in the moment. We hear the others complaint; say that we are sorry, whether we feel we were wrong or not. After the moment has passed and we have given it some thought, then we can come back with our concerns about the issue. Most of the time, it is hurt feelings for the moment. Then later, both parties are more able to see things more clearly.

When there is fighting in a house, there is a selfish person living there. Luke 11:17, "Any kingdom at war with itself is doomed. A divided home is also doomed." Someone must be the one to grow up and stop being selfish. My husband took the hit for several years. Then I finally discovered that he never tried to hurt me on purpose. That is when I let down my defenses and stopped trying to fight with him. Now we both understand that we are working together trying to build a strong home for our family. There are moments of selfishness between the two of us, but that is a moment, not the whole.

If your spouse is the weaker person and cannot let go of their own selfishness, you will be strong. James 1:2-4, "whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything." Fight for your marriage. Lay down your own selfish desires, and discover the character that God will give you.