Loneliest Moments

Psalm 1, "Oh, what joy for those who do not follow the advice of the wicked, or stand around with sinners, or join in with scoffers. But they delight in doing everything the LORD wants." Do you know how hard it is to change your desires? The loneliest limes in my life were spent in war with my own desires. I was surrounding myself with people whom I thought I wanted to be with, because my desire was to do what they were doing. But in those moments, my soul was a war and my heart ached. It was during these times that I suffered the most. I was desperately trying to hold on to my life and in doing this, I was loosing my life. Matt 10:38, "and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." He is asking us to lay down what we think we want. He is asking us to desire Him, even if we think we will miss out on the "fun life." But what joy for those who finally let go of their own desires.

I remember times in my life when truth would come out of my mouth, but my understanding never wrapped around it. And I was the one saying it. What am I saying? I still do this. But the big ones, the ones I remember best, were the ones dealing with my addictions. Everyone says it. Everyone says, "I don't want to stop." In these few simple words, we can see where our desires lie. In one breath we are calling out to God, but not willing to let go of our own desires, so that He can give us life. I want you God; I want what I want, as well. This is where the deception is, in the thought that we can have both. He saves us when we call to Him, we find joy when we grab onto Him.

Romans 4:7-8, "Oh, what joy for those whose disobedience is forgiven, whose sins are put out of sight. Yes, what joy for those whose sin is no longer counted against them by the LORD." When I finally asked God to help me and to change my life, I was confused as to why I was not filled with joy more. What I have learned, as time has passed, is that I was not willing to let go of some things in order for Him to completely fill me. I had to work very hard in order to change my desires. Actually, I had to ask God to change my desires for me. Then I had to learn to listen in those moments when He was calling me to act differently. I had to be bored with the people God was calling me to be around, instead of going out with those I thought I was more comfortable around.

My last stand was when I was getting high at this guys camping trailer. You see I had lived in a camper at one time, and in my desperate desire to hang on to my addiction, I was right back in one. Jason was patiently waiting for me to let go of my desires. Jesus was calling me home, but I wanted to get high. At this one moment I finally saw how lost I really was. In one month I was going to be getting married, but in no way was I willing to let go. That night I saw how I was going to ruin everything, just because I was not willing to change my surroundings. I did not want to stay in that hell, but I couldn't see past my own foolish desires. Now I know what God was telling me the whole time, "Let go of your life, and you will find it." I have found the joy of the LORD. I finally let go, and gave my desires to Him. I am so thankful that I finally listened and obeyed. Everything that I wanted to do, I did not do. Everything that He whispered to me to do, I began doing. Now I finally know the Joy of the LORD!