Sexual Intimacy

In talking with women about sexual struggles between them and their husbands, it can be very difficult for me. The difficulty comes in when I am feeling for the woman and memories are coming into play. It can be very hard for me to not bring my own hurts into their relationship. What I want to do is to side with the woman and tell her that she is completely right and that she should move into the next bedroom. However, there are very few times in our life where we will be the only right one in the situation. There are always two sides to every problem.

Just the other day a young woman came to me and shared an encounter her husband and her had, had. She felt betrayed and violated because of what he had done during their time together. As I was listening to her talk, my heart was breaking. I felt my emotions coming and my own betrayal surfacing in my heart. What the man had done was wrong, for he did not want to hear, her want, and only was looking to please himself. Both her and I, were tying it to pornography and wanting to put that sin upon it, but that is not the case. Where the sin comes into play was his lack of respect or caring concerning her feelings about what he was doing to her. Her sin was in tying this problem to his past and not fulling giving herself to him, because of her hurts concerning pornography.

When I feel I am over my head about a topic, or that my own hurts are going to interfere, I have access to some very good resources. I know I am weak. I am not afraid to ask for help, so I emailed Harry (www.stonegateresources.org). He has been counseling those with sexual sin for over 20 years, I trust his advise. He sent me a portion of John Pipers book.

1 Corinthians 7:3-5

The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Okay, so obviously this is not what I wanted to hear. But this is what I wanted to hear; I want to hear the truth. I want to know what the appropriate answer is. Later on in the article, I felt better. "The leadership of the husband is defined by Paul not mainly as demanding his rights but as laying down his life for the good of his wife (Ephesians 5:25). Therefore, the predominant resolution of the sexual paradox is that the husband gently and tenderly takes the lead in seeking to maximize his wife’s pleasure, taking her longings deeply into account, rather than pressuring her to adapt to his." If we keep our goal as pleasing the other person we will not have to suffer. We are servants to one another. My husband is my servant, I am his. When we keep this in our minds then we will not be seeking to please our self, but to please the other.

I was wrong in going against my own feelings when my ex husband asked me to do certain things. I should have stood my ground and felt like that was okay. He should have respected me enough as his wife to allow me to say no to some things. I wanted to please him and in doing this, I had no boundaries. Sometimes our own desires can get in the way of what is okay. Sometimes there is really nothing wrong with what the other person is desiring, but if we are uncomfortable, they should want to please us. In remembering it is about the other person, we should have a very fulfilling sexual life as husband and wife. When our own selfish desires get in the way, our needs are not really met. It is in remembering the other person first, where we will find true enjoyment. It is about being a servant to the one you say you love.

http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/TasteAndSee/ByDate/2009/3869_Sexual_Intimacy_and_the_Rights_Over_a_Spouses_Body_in_Marriage/