Tools for Recovery

I wanted to share some of the tools that God provided for me in getting out of the dark world that I had created for myself.

Joyce Meyer - I would listen to Joyce as I was driving around getting high. I knew I needed to change and it started with listening to the right information. I had to fill my mind, before my heart was ready to follow.
http://www.joycemeyer.org/

After I got out of the stripping life style, I had to change the music that I listened to. I started by listening to music that was not hard core drugs and sex. Now, I usually listen to Christian music. I am filled this way and I feel good. I also listen to XM Audio Visions, it helps to keep the house atmosphere calm.

Joe beam - He writes books on spiritual war fair, marriage, and other christian books. I listened to his tapes. I like to listen, more than I like to read.
http://www.joebeam.com/

Stone Gate Brief Intensive Counseling - This helped me to see what I was doing and that I was not a victim. I had to realize this so that I could change my life.
http://www.stonegateresources.org/

These are just some of the tools that can help in changing your life. I had to surround myself with new friends and be "bored" for a time until I became energized by my new surroundings. I truly have more fun now than I ever did before. It did take work and effort on my part, but with God's help anything is possible.

Sex, caution this one is blunt.

For some reason this morning, I woke up wanting to talk about sex. I want to explain the difference between good Godly sex and sex that has been distorted because of the world we live in. The first time that I had sex, I was fifteen. After that, sex is what made me feel wanted, special, powerful, and beautiful. This is how I had power. Sex is a very powerful tool. I know it is, I have used it all of my life. While on one hand I had all of these good feelings; I had horrible self hate feelings of disgust, worthlessness, dirty, used, and betrayed. Sex is not supposed to be used for any of these things, the outcome is supposed to be wonderful. You are supposed to feel closer to your husband and he is supposed to feel closer to you. I would like to compare my two marriages. I want to show what is good and wonderful. I want to help others see the bad, before it gets bad. This is not meant to offend anyone. This is meant to help, so here we go...

My first husband, at first, always wanted me to tell him stories during sex. I would make up different stories about other men having sex with me. We looked at magazines together, and watched videos. I felt wrong about it, but he was my husband so I thought it would be fine, and this is what he wanted. I wanted to please him. One of the bad things about going into the world of porn is that it is never enough. He needed more. So he wanted me to have sex with other men, so that he could watch. I fought this one! I offered him to watch me with other girls, this didn't do it. He wanted to watch me with other men. The whole reason that I got married was so that I could stop having sex with other men. That is how I ended up being a stripper. He could watch me with other men, but I would not have to have sex with them. Sex is like a drug, the more you do it the more you need. Porn is like that too. The more you look at it, the more you need; the playboys just don't cut it for long. We had a lot of sex, but the more sex we had the more violent and empty it became. Ugh, I can't stay in this world any longer; I have to talk now about the other...

Sex with my husband, now, is wonderful. It is Godly! It is good! I have never been more satisfied; I have never had so much sex. Now that is saying a lot. How can sex satisfy without using the stimulants of this world? Trust me it can. This sex is not always wild, in fact, most of the time it is just simple sex. Having MS, I like my back rubbed a lot. Well while he is rubbing my back, we are having sex. It is simple, it is sweet, it is pure, and lets face it, it just feels good. Is it always like this, no sometimes I like to knock his socks off:) But it is with a good caring man who values and cherishes me. Let me tell you it is wonderful. We have sex, on average, 5 to 7 times a week. It is good clean sex. The way God intended. If you need a story to read, read Song of Songs, it will do it for you. Yes, sex is in the bible and it is good.

Do you see that God made sex? It does not need outside influences to be wonderful. In fact those outside influences are never enough, you will need more. So don't even go there. If you want wonderful sex, be good to each other. Men help her out with the kids and the house, so that she is not so tired. Women dress nice or at least take a bath every day and fix your hair and face. If you need to send him out with a quick flash from you, so that he does not need to look at someone else, do it. Keep the excitement, tease one another. Make sure that your spouse knows you desire and want them. God created sex to be good in a marriage. Don't taint it by bringing the world into your bed.

I can talk more about sex, but I don't want to offend anyone. If someone wants more info let me know. I have lived two very different lives, as a married woman. Trust me I have been in the sex industry world and all that it in tells. But after that world, I have been in the good, clean world with a good caring man. Clean is always better than dirty! I can help with discovering the difference, before you have to discover the difference.

Husbands Wives

I was reading 1 Peter 3:1-7. This talks about husbands and wives. Two main passages stood out to me, one for husbands and one for wives. Many women get very tense when talking about their role as a wife. I can understand this, it is in self defense. You want to protect your rights. But this is what it says to wives, "In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands, even those who refuse to accept the Good News. Your godly lives will speak to them better than any words. They will be won over by watching your pure, godly behavior." I used to think that if your husband was living in sin and refused to change, then you needed to get out. You have the right to leave. This says something different, it says to stay and continue living a godly life, so that he may be won over. You cannot preach to them, you must show them with your love. Your changed life will be an example and they will follow. It never says that it will happen in the timing that you desire. It just says to do it. It may take your whole life. Isn't his soul worth that? Christ gave his life for you. What is your life when you are talking about his soul?

Husbands, now this needs to be emphasized more often, "In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat her with understanding as you live together...she is your equal partner in God's gift of new life. If you don't treat her as you should, your prayers will not be heard." Husbands your prayers will not be heard if you do not treat your wives as you should. Now this is big. How many times does it say that God will not listen to you? He listens and cares for you and tries to help you all of the time. This is huge. Treating your wife as you should is a very strong command, "your prayers will not be heard" if you don't!

"A man who honors his wife will protect, respect, help and stay with her. He will lighten her load wherever he can. He will be sensitive to her needs, and he will relate to her with courtesy, consideration, insight, and tact. If a man is not considerate and respectful of his wife, his prayers will not be heard, because a living relationship with God depends on right relationships with others...If men use their position to mistreat their wives, their prayers will not be heard." This is from the commentary on this passage.

It is equal. Wives respect and honor your husbands. Live with them so that they may be won over and their souls saved. Husbands honor and treat your wives lovingly, so that your prayers will be heard.

I am so thankful that my husband, now, is a good and caring man. He treats me to the best of his ability, the way that Christ treated his followers. He is kind and helpful. I try my best to be the kind of woman that God instructs me to be. I try to be the helper that my husband needs. In saying all of this, I have so many regrets. I failed at my previous marriage. It was my role as helper, to help my husband. I only fed his weakness. I have a great life and husband now. But, this does not relieve the burden that I feel in leaving my ex husband, in a life of sin. I can only pray that he found God and a stronger woman, than I was, to help him on his journey.

Your life can be just fine; it can be wonderful, even after divorce. But, with divorce there are so many regrets. I failed as a wife. I cannot look only at my failures, but I can learn from them, and be determined to do better now and in the future. I cannot concentrate on the past, but I can look forward to the goal for which Christ is calling me heavenward. Be the best wife you can be, no matter what your husband is doing. If you can stay spiritually strong in the marriage, if you can stay in love with your Lord, if you will not lose your salvation by staying married, then stay in the marriage. Your husbands soul is worth it. Be the best husband that you can be. Help your wife for her day is full. Your work day does not end at 5pm, but it only begins. As a team the burden is lighter for both, alone it is so heavy. Embrace one another, be thankful and always pray for God's guidance and strength. Both of your souls are worth it.

Changing Churches

After the last Ladies Night Out, April 7, I came home and my husband started talking with me. He felt that the time was right for us to change churches. As I was listening to him, I had many different emotions. I had wanted to change churches several years ago, when I had babies and there was no nursery provided. I was struggling then. Now it was different. We were teaching the high school, college class on Sunday morning. I had just started teaching the Ladies Night Out. I was feeling useful; I was feeling like I was making a difference. As I listened to the conversation, I quickly noticed all of the "I." It really did not matter what I was feeling. My husband, who is the head of my home, who is held responsible for our family's salvation, was not feeling the same things that I was feeling. In fact he was feeling hurt, devalued, and stunted in his growth and the things that he could accomplish there. So we needed to take action.

We talked with many different older men about the situation trying to make a wise decision. Next, was talking to the correct people at our church to make sure that no one took it personally that we were leaving. There was a brand new youth minister; he needed to know that it had nothing to do with him. We needed to talk with the preacher and let him know that it was not his fault. He was the reason that we had stuck it out this long. But, lets face it, you cannot go to church for one man, you must go for your relationship with God. So this is what we have done. I am so glad that we have made the transformation. We are feeling connected and see many opportunities to serve God in our new church home.

In saying all of this, I have to talk about the other...We have not received one phone call. Not one person has asked us what happened. We hear from others, "that everyone knows", but the ones we are hearing it from are not the full time members there. Not one phone call! I am not sure how to take this. It is not like we were just another family who was continually jumping churches. We had been there, at that church, for many years. My husband grew up there. I have been going there ever since I moved to town, over 7 yrs ago. We were teaching classes, we were trying to be involved. As I watch this unfold, I can see how people can become so hurt and so turned off from "church." I am not really that hurt or surprised. People have their own lives, they have their own struggles. I see how I have been that person. I have been that person who should have picked up the phone. I have been the one giving hugs Sunday morning, putting on the "Sunday smile." Then we leave "church" and enter into our own world. We say we are a body that needs every part, but is the part really missing when someone leaves. I have heard the saying, "If you throw a frog in boiling water it will jump out, but if you turn up the heat slowly it will cook itself." I don't feel like anything we did was slow. We were teaching one Sunday and at a new church the next. Not one phone call, not one.

I have to look at this as a growing opportunity. I feel like, many times you cannot relate with others in their struggle, unless you have either been through it personally or witnessed it first hand. Now I know. My eyes have been opened. Will I miss it in the future, when this happens to someone? I am sure that I will. But I will be more aware. Even when it feels uncomfortable, I will have to pick up that phone, to make that one phone call. God has shown me a valuable lesson that I was failing with in the past. I hope I have learned from this experience, so that I do not make this mistake any longer. This is when you can consider it joy when you go through trials. They are times to learn from and grow.

What are your Actions saying about your Faith?

I was reading James this morning, I love this book. I think I like it so much, because I need direct instructions. I guess I just need a lot of help with the obvious. During the past few months I have been rereading my bible and the things that I have underlined and written myself. I go back to the passages that stood out to me the most, read them, then read the commentary at the bottom of the page, about that passage. I use the Life Application Study Bible, I like to see more about the scripture and dig deeper into its meaning.

I read Chapters 1-3 this morning and they talk about your desires and faith with actions. Actually it talks about much more than just that, but this is what hit me the most. In the commentary it discusses further about how the book of James complements the book of Romans. James 2:18 states, "Now some may argue, "Some people have faith; others have good deeds." I say, "I cannot see your faith if you don't have good deeds, but I will show you my faith through my good deeds." In Romans 3:28 it says, "We are made right with God through faith and not by obeying the law." These verses may seem to contradict each other, but in reality they complement one another.

Good deeds will never earn you salvation, but true faith always results in a changed life. A changed life always produces good deeds. With this I can easily look back upon my life and discover when I really had true faith. Does this mean that I get everything right? Absolutely not. What am I producing, what am I centering my thought life around? If you question your faith, all you have to look upon is your fruit. Does an apple tree produce only good apples? No there are some apples that are spoiled before they ever hit the ground. No one can do good all of the time. But, you can look at your life and see what the main fruit that you are producing is. Every day you can see what is in your heart. Is there more turmoil in your life? Are you feeling like you have to do all of the heavy lifting? No matter what situation that you are in, do you feel empty? In order to have a good day, does everything have to go as you desire? Or can you find peace during the storms? What do you live in: chaos or peace? Is your house or car in a constant state of disaster? This is a good way to tell what your inner self looks like. Yet, others take this a different way, their outside looks very well kept, while their heart is full of anxiety. There is a balanced ground. It is never black or white, but what is the color that describes your existence?

Just the other day, I had a melt down. I do not know if it was because of my period, or if I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. All that I know is that I did not handle the day well, at all. Yesterday, however, was much better. I had been going on a path of tension and it took one really bad day to open my eyes to how I was really living. I woke up the next morning, yesterday, with a new outlook. I was renewed and refreshed. It can be a blessing to have one really bad day, to get you back on track. The question is not about a couple of bad days, or even a bad month. The question is, how are you living your life? I thank my God that I now can say that my life is much better and I am striving to live for him. Do I get every thing right? No. Am I moving forward, am I better than I was? Yes. Ask God to show you truth. Ask him to open your eyes to how you are really living. "What is the use of saying you have faith if you don't prove it by your actions." What are your actions saying about your faith?

Yesterday vs. Today

What a beautiful morning. After spending time in God's word, I took a few diapers outside to throw them away. I decided to sit on our bench for a few moments and take in the mountain air. I just sat there and listened to the singing birds. You don't realize how beautiful they sound, until they have been gone for several months. It has been raining all night and the air is crisp and new. How much I love living in the mountains. I do not stop to enjoy every moment of my life, nearly enough.

Yesterday did not start off quite so nicely. I woke up and felt tense. I tried to relax as I read, but I just felt mean. Then as I was taking a shower, it was not peaceful, my children were screaming right outside my door. Right after I emerge from the shower, my youngest, almost 3 yrs, knocked over one of my plants and broke the pot. I snapped. I could feel the anger within me, I was mad. My house was already a disaster, before the plant incident. I put the boys in timeout and cleaned up the mess. I let the boys out of their room and began getting ready for the day. This is when I started to cry.

Why do I still feel like such a failure? Why do I feel like I have so much further to go, and I am still in a pit? Why can't I be a better mother, a better wife? I want to help people with their relationship with God, but how? How can I help anyone, when I am still such a mess? I can do this because, today I see things differently than I did yesterday. Today, I see where I went wrong and today is a new crisp day. Will I mess up, today? You bet! But,every moment offers a fresh start. I just have to keep my eyes on the goal. I have to look at how far I have come and remember the power that got me here, was not by my power. Oh, how thankful I am for new beginnings, for fresh mornings.

"My Wonderful, Merciful Lord,
How I thank you. I am so grateful for new beginnings. I thank you for beautiful mornings that offer new life. I thank you for my family and for all of the blessings they provide. Thank you for a life that I never deserved. I still do not deserve all of the blessings that you so graciously provide. Please help me to walk this day in peace and to approach my children how you have always approach me. You never once lost your temper. You discipline with fairness and love. Help me to show my boys you, through my love for them. Widen my range of vision. Help me to see past the moment and into what really matters. There is nothing that I desire more, than to be like you. Thank you for allowing me to grow. Thank you that every day is a new day and even through the hard days, I am still growing. Even when it seems like I am taking a step back, it is really an opportunity to grow. I truly want to be a good friend, a loving mother, and a supportive wife. Help me to be an asset to my family and never a burden. Thank you Lord for this new day. Thank you for always loving me, even when I am unlovable.
In Your Sons most Holy, most Precious Name I pray this,
AMEN."

One Last Time

When I was in college, I got pregnant by my now ex-husband. The pregnancy was very hard on us and we began to fight. I lost the baby, because of the medications that I was taking for my MS, and we broke up. During this break up, I saw things about him that I was blinded to before. I decided that I did not ever want to be with him or anyone like him. I had made up my mind. I was going to change and life was going to be different. This was short lived.

He sent me songs, that he had written for me, and I was once again swept off of my feet. It did not take long and we were off to Vegas to get married. I loved to be held by him. I loved that high that I had, that euphoria, that drug that my body naturally created when I was with him. I craved the excitement that he brought to me. I loved the way he made me feel when we were in bed together, I felt complete. I truly believed that he loved me and only me. This too, was very short lived.

I have discovered that God gives us moments of clarity. He gives us those windows of opportunities, which open our eyes to the truth. My deciding window was when my ex and I had broken up. It is that moment when you realize the road you are on, is the wrong one. You can see that you are to turn around and never look back. The problem arises when you look back and think you would like to have just one more moment. You decide that you would like to get that high, just for a little while longer. You have no intentions of living forever with that person or that drug, but you would like to sleep with it just one more time. What ever that high is, just one more time will not hurt.

The danger is that you never really know when that last time will actually be your, all of the time. I have experienced it over and over. I only wanted that bodily feeling, one more time. I just wanted to have fun for that moment and I just knew that it would not last. Then several years down the road, I looked back. I saw that my last time had become my right now. My life for the past few years. What happened to that last time? Why was it so hard to see that my last time had become my life?

I had stopped looking, for just a brief moment, at what God wanted for me. I had caught a glimpse of God, but I wanted the high, just one more time. That is all that it takes. One more time and my life was completely out of control. One more time and I was years spent. One more time and I was a married woman, stripping so that my husband could get his fix by watching me with other men. One more time and I was a drug addict. Be careful with that last time. It may become your all of the time and it could take a long time to get over!