Personal Character

Yesterday was a very hard day for me. I spent the day in tears and anger. God is continually working on me and when I feel Him calling me to another level, I usually start in anger. My first reaction is always anger, I want to battle. After the fight and anger are visible in my own eyes, then the tears come. My oldest brother is continually steeped in God's word, so godly wisdom comes from him. Do you know, how I hate this. It is hard when someone talks to you and in everything you are doing, you are trying to do it the right way, but then someone talks to you from the very word of God and they reveal to you that you are actually in the wrong. How I hate this and since I hate it so much, anger is my first reaction. I truly desire to be a godly woman, who has it all right. I want wisdom, I want to be good and I want to be the one helping others, but in this quest, it is constantly being revealed to me that I have such a long way to go myself. I will never get there, no one will ever get there. That is the beauty of it all, God in His wisdom, keeps us humble by never allowing us to have it all right.

In my daily reading, I am in Judges. Abimelech is probably someone whom you have never heard of or don't remember hearing about. His desire was power and his desire only continued to increase as time went by, until he slaughtered all 70 of his brothers. Nothing but death could satisfy his thirst for this power.
In Oswald Chambers 'My Utmost for His Highest', this morning reads, "A higher state of mind and spiritual vision can only be achieved through the higher practice of personal character. If you live up to the highest and best that you know in the outer level of your life, God will continually say to you, 'Friend, come up even higher.'" Then he goes on to tell us to look at our life one year ago to this week and see where we were compared to now. My title for my blog entry one year ago is "War that Rages Within", now isn't that just lovely. "Never allow God to show you a truth which you do not instantly begin to live up to, applying it to your life. Always work through it, staying in its light."
In our small group study we are reading "Our Secret Paradise" by Jimmy Evans. In this we are reading about marriage and how each of us is to be like Christ in our marriage. God has called us to a higher standard and He has given each of us roles and jobs in our marriage for us to fulfill.

In saying all of this, my brother informed me yesterday that I was not fulfilling the role that I was called to fulfill with my mother. I am called by God to honor my father and mother. This is my role as their child, but every time I talk with my mother, we fight. We have an intense love for each other, but we get in an argument every time we talk. I usually sit and say that 'if she would just step back and let me make my own decisions, then I would not have to defend myself and we would not fight.' You see, I put the blame on her and her need to change. Yesterday was a very hard day for me. All of the studying that I am doing, in everything it is me that has to do the changing. I keep telling God that I have done so much changing, when is it someone else's turn and I can relax? He let me know that I am never to relax, but to come up higher. He is constantly calling me to a higher level.

In every study that I am doing, I was not combining them to the other areas of my life. I am seeing my role as a wife. My husband and I both feel that we have a pretty good marriage. I have a glimpse of the call on my life from God, and I feel I am doing every thing I can to obey Him in that call. But there was this one place that I hadn't been willing to let go of, and it was with my relationship with my mother. I have this desire to have power over my life, and it seemed to me that she was still trying to control it for me. So in turn, I get mad and defend my right as an adult, but this is not what God has called me to do. "Honor your father and your mother." He never says that when you are old, you no longer have to honor your parents. He only says to honor them, so fighting with my mother is never okay, no matter how old I get.

It is hard when in everything that I am called to do, I am to submit. I want to be in control and have the power over something, but in every area He calls me to submit. In this submission I am learning that no one has any power, nor are they supposed to. God is the only one with any right and He is the only one with any power. Submission is my role; power can never be my goal. He calls me to walk as Christ walked, His walk was a servant spirit. I am called to serve Him and all others in my life. Power is never a servants attitude. Oh, how hard this can be, and yet here is where freedom rests.

"Mom, I am sorry that I have not given you the honor that you deserve. I have battled with you, my entire life. I am so sorry for this. My life has consisted of heartache after heartache, and I am so sorry. I have not given you the honor that you deserve and He tells us, this is the way to life a life full of blessings. I believe that one of the reasons that I have not lived the life that He desired for me is directly related to the dishonor that I have shown to you. I am truly sorry. I will do better and our relationship will mend, because I will change. I love you..."