I Worship You Only

Every morning, the first thing I crave, is to sit at my Lords feet and worship Him. I love to listen to His words and learn His ways. I am a woman from sorrow, redeemed by the love of one Man. I have willingly eaten the fruit of bitterness and regret, but now I am living in the comfort of my Lord. My journey started, because I would not listen to those who had gone before me. Mark 16:14, "He rebuked them for their unbelief- their stubborn refusal to believe those who had seen Him after He had risen." I can say, "But, I had no one to help me. No one told me." However this is not true for any of us. He has given us everything that we need in this life, but most of the time we are too deaf to hear and too blind to see. My heart was set on finding a man. Not even the right man, just a man. In this blind pursuit of my earthly desires, I chose a man who was not seeking after God's heart. Since I was not following Christ's desires for me in the first place, I followed my husband. For every woman really wants her husband to lead her.

Mark 15:40-41, "Some women were watching from a distance. Among them were Mary Magdalene, Mary (the mother of James the younger and of Joseph), and Salome. In Galilee these women had followed Him and cared for His needs. Many other women who had come up with Him to Jerusalem were also there." My desire used to be only for my husband to lead me, but then I realized my true desire is for my Savior. My true desire is to sit at my Lords feet and anoint Him with my worship. My true longing is to spend every moment of every day, with Him leading my every step. I want to follow Him. I want to praise Him. I want to have the feeling of loving Him sweep through my body and control my every action. My desire is for my true Lover, my King.

I thank my God for allowing me to have a second chance at life. I thank Him for allowing me start new, with a new husband, a fresh start. My desire is to follow my husband, that is how I am made. I will follow him anywhere as long as he is following Christ. Ephesians 5, "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord...Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word.." If we are both searching for Christ and desiring to please Him, we will have a good marriage. Even if my husband decided to leave the will of Christ, I now know he is not my only command. My desire to follow my husband, goes along side my desire to follow my Lord. I submit to my Lord first. I am in love with my God and because my husband is following the will of Christ, I will gladly go anywhere with him. If he chooses and leaves the will of God, I will not follow him. I will not leave him, nor will I nag him, but I will not follow him away from my true love. I have finally found what true worship and glory really is and I will never let it go again. I am finally a truly fulfilled woman.

"Thank You God, for washing me in Your love. Thank You for giving me a desire for You that fulfills every longing that I have. Thank You for giving me a husband whose desire is also for You. Thank You for allowing me to express my worship and love for You through my relationship with Jason. Help me to remember that he is not perfect like You, for no one is. Help me to show those who come into my pressence, Your love and Your acceptance. Thank you..."

Wonderful Mighty LORD

Oh, how I love my God. My feelings for Him are intense. If you have ever had children, that feeling of love that you get for them. That intense, overwhelming feeling, that is what I feel for my Lord. How truly grateful I am to Him. How mighty is His power. How wonderful is His name. I see Him and His works and I stand humbled. I stand in thankfulness and respect for what He has done for me. Mark 14:22ff,"While they were eating, Jesus took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to his disciples, saying, 'Take it; this is my body. 'Then he took the cup, gave thanks and offered it to them, and they all drank from it. 'This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many,' He said to them."

I want to explain this visual that He has just given. Genesis 15, Abraham took his sacrifices to the Lord. "He cut each one down the middle and laid the halves side by side...Abraham saw a smoking firepot and a flaming torch pass between the halves of the carcasses. So the Lord made a covenant with Abraham that day.." At weddings the fathers of the bride and groom would walk through the blood of a sacrificed animal. In this way, it signified that if their children did not keep their vows, the fathers are the ones who are responsible. They would take the punishment and they would die instead of their disobedient child. God made a covenant with Abraham and sealed it by (firepot and torch, Father and Son) walking through the blood. He did not allow Abraham to pass through the blood, for He knew his descendants would fail. He passed through and made a covenant many years before, and now Christ is the one sacrificed for my sins. His death allows me to live!

Oh, how I love my Lord. How awesome is His power. How mighty is His name. He did all of this for me, even though I was Judas! I knew my Lord. I grew up listening to His words. Then I kissed Him on the cheek and walked out into the night and betrayed Him. I was Judas, for I never allowed Jesus to take control of my life and change my heart. He tried to control the situation he found himself in, and so do I. He was a betrayer, and so am I. But that does not matter, for Jesus paid my debt in full. Now that I do see and hear Him, I am so in love with Him. It took me betraying the one that loved me, for me to finally see Him. I know the price that I owed Him. I know the wrongs that I have done. I understand the severity of my betrayal. How thankful I am for His promises kept, for I could have never paid my debt. Thank you my Father, my Lord...

The Spiritual Search

Mark 11: 9-10, As Jesus was entering the town upon a donkey's colt the people were shouting, "Praise God! Bless the one who comes in the name of the Lord! Bless the coming kingdom of our ancestor David! Praise God in highest heaven!" Oh how I praise my God! How wonderful He is and how thankful I am to Him. How often we gather in excitement for God, praising Him with the crowds. But, when the crowds stop cheering, will I? I try and study my true belief in God, by studying how I think and act every day. It is so easy to believe when everything is going my way. Even if something happens that I do not expect or necessarily want to happen, I can still have faith. But, my true faith is found in those simple moments. Those moment of doubt in my own life. Those moments when temptation comes to my heart that no one else will ever see.

Mark 9, "What do you mean, 'If I can?' Jesus asked. 'Anything is possible if a person believes.' ...'I do believe, but help me not to doubt!'" Those moments of doubt are not just those moments when you are concerned for your health, or someone close to you. They can also be those moments when you are tempted and wish for something more. When you think your life could be just a little better if... Those times when you may feel you have sinned so bad, that you think anything that comes afterwards is not as good as what could have been. If I only had... then I would be happy and content. Then I would not have any problems if he/she would be like... Those are the moments that sneak in and destroy your faith in what God has done for you. Those are the moments of temptation that come in and hinder your walk with your Lord.

I want to believe that when the crowd stops cheering, I will still have faith. I want to think that I am strong enough to withstand the pressure. But, am I? My doubt and unbelief are revealed to me every morning as I sit and pray to my Lord. He allows me to see just how far I still need to go. I cannot move mountains with my faith, for I cannot even conquer my attitude with those around me. Oswald Chambers, "We are all good at producing spiritual fog that blinds our sight. But if we will search out and examine the evidence, we will see very clearly what is wrong— a friendship, an unpaid debt, or an improper attitude." (9:19) "You faithless people! How long must I be with you until you believe?" How much does He have to bless me, until I can see? How long does He have to wait, until I can hear? Oh God, I do believe. Please help me when I doubt. Help me to see myself for who I really am, so that I can see You better. Allow me to speak with You openly. Help me to hear Your answers. Cleans me Father and teach me to follow You. For I do love You. Help me not to doubt You.

http://www.rbc.org/devotionals/my-utmost-for-his-highest/08/24/devotion.aspx?year=2009

Big, Bad Sins

Mark 7, " 'These people honor Me with their lips, but their hearts are far from Me. They worship Me in vain; their teachings are but rules taught by men.' You have let go of the commands of God and are holding on to the traditions of men."... He went on: "What comes out of a man is what makes him 'unclean.' For from within, out of men's hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from inside and make a man 'unclean.'"

How easily it would be to pick out the sexual sin in this passage. Sexual sin is hitting our world so hard right now. Pornography, Internet, TV, adultery, movies, books, the list goes on and on. All of us are bombarded with the lusts of the flesh. I know, I have been right in the big middle of it all. However, that is not what is in my heart at this moment. I want to focus on the other things that may easily be over looked, for they don't seem as "big" of a sin to us and they are easily discarded. Evil thoughts, greed, malice (backstabbing, bitterness, cattiness, vindictiveness, animosity) deceit, envy, slander arrogance and folly (ridiculous ideas, dottiness, dumb thing to do, recklessness) are all listed right there with sexual sin. So, they must be just as "bad" of a sin as sexual sin.

Can you find yourself in this list of sins? I can. If we live out our life as a fool, we are living in sin. Do you ever have an evil thought? That is as bad as pornography. Do you ever hold on to bitterness? That is as bad adultery. Are you envious of someone else? That is as bad as deceit. What are you holding on to that you think is not as bad as theirs? That is why the scriptures say, "We have all fallen short of the glory of God." None of us are good enough. We all struggle with something, every day. I need grace and forgiveness, every day. Everyone does! The hard part is getting our own sin out of our heart, so that we can forgive someone else for theirs. Don't get me wrong. We need to call sin, sin. But, when we have seen our sin for what it really is, we expect others to show us grace and compassion. So when others see their sin for what it is, why is it so hard for us to forgive and show them compassion?

Sexual sin is bad, for it hurts others around us who are also involved with our lives. It hurts the temple of God and tears down trust others have allowed us to enjoy. Bitterness and unforgiveness, tear down the heart that God wants us to keep for Him. Pornography tears at your wife's self-esteem and destroys the image she has of herself. It comes in and rips your sexual fulfillment apart. Evil thoughts and vindictiveness come in and tear down your husbands self worth. They destroy the very thing God has told you to have for him, and that is respect. Malice comes in and destroys friendships. It causes us to hold on to unforgiveness for others, those we should accept as friends. All of these are "big" sins, for they destroy our relationship with others and harden our hearts toward God.

Oswald Chambers, "Jesus cannot come and do His work in me as long as there is anything blocking the way, whether it is something good or bad. When He comes to me, am I prepared for Him to drag every wrong thing I have ever done into the light? That is exactly where He comes. Wherever I know I am unclean is where He will put His feet and stand, and wherever I think I am clean is where He will remove His feet and walk away.Repentance does not cause a sense of sin— it causes a sense of inexpressible unworthiness. When I repent, I realize that I am absolutely helpless, and I know that through and through I am not worthy even to carry His sandals. Have I repented like that, or do I have a lingering thought of possibly trying to defend my actions?" Really nothing anyone else does or has done, matters. What I am doing and where my heart is, that is all that matters. Have you hit your knees, begging God to change your heart? Have you asked for His forgiveness? Where are you, with your walk with God?

http://www.rbc.org/devotionals/my-utmost-for-his-highest/08/22/devotion.aspx?year=2009

I Have Come to call Sinners

Mark 1:22-26, "The people were amazed at his teaching, because he taught them as one who had authority, not as the teachers of the law. Just then a man in their synagogue who was possessed by an evil spirit cried out, 'What do you want with us, Jesus of Nazareth? Have you come to destroy us? I know who you are—the Holy One of God!' 'Be quiet!' said Jesus sternly. 'Come out of him!' The evil spirit shook the man violently and came out of him with a shriek." Jesus didn't let the demons tell others who He was. Why? Maybe He was wanting people to see the deed, not just hear the words. Also, while the demons were telling the truth, they mix lies with their truth. This makes what they say hard to decipher, the truth (reality) from false testimony. When I first started to see my own sin for what it really was, and when I first wanted to change my life; I did not tell anyone about my past. It was hard learning who I was, and how I was supposed to act, now that I had decided to follow Christ. I had a period of refuge from my sin and everyone seeing the true faults in me. I wasn't hiding from reality and I was not covering up my sin; I was learning to walk with Him all over again. I had a period of grace, but in that period I found the love of Christ.

Many people who make "big sins" in their lives are not given the grace period that I was given. They stay in the same town and try to continue their lives with the same people that watched them fall. I cannot imagine the hurt that this would cause. When we see someone sinning and not turning from their sin, it is biblical to separate ourselves from them for a time. This is not so that we can cast judgment upon them, but to bring them back to the love of God. It is a time where the only one they can go to, is Jesus Christ Himself. Their friends are taken away, and they feel the shame of their sin. But, after that period of time has ended, God's true forgiveness and grace is revealed. It is a time for the demons in their lives to be silenced, so that Christ can reveal His true power. Those lonely times of not having any friends are truly the hardest times. It doesn't matter that I had come here with a clean slate, as far as others were concerned, I still felt the sting of being all alone. I was left to myself, so that Christ could show me my sin. So that I could fall madly in love with Him, all over again.

1:40-41, '"If You want to, You can make me well again' ...Jesus touched him. 'I want to', He said. 'Be healed!'" 2:17, "Healthy people don't need a doctor- sick people do. I have come to call sinners, not those who think they are already good enough." Do you see this? Do you see that Christ has come to heal the sinner? Oh how I thank my God, for healing me. How I thank Him, for giving me a period when I had no one but Him to help me see my sin. How I thank Him, for allowing others to forgive me when I sinned. It can be so hard to hold your head up high, when everyone knows your sins. That is the moment for His strength to be felt, for I could not do it without Him. When this time of grace and forgiveness with God is finished, it becomes time to join with others and build new friendships and mend old ones. When this time has come others will see it, not by your words, but by your actions. When this time has come, it is our time as Christ followers to embrace the one who has been alone, and bring them back into the family of Christ. It is not our place to condemn, but to love. Do you need to feel the fellowship of believers around you again? Is it time to embrace one who has been sick? Where are you with your walk with Christ?

Cover of Christ's Blood

"Come to Me . . . ." The intellectual, moral, and spiritual depth of our reality as a person is tested and measured by these words. Yet in every detail of our lives where we are found not to be real, we would rather dispute the findings than come to Jesus. (Oswald Chambers) Some people may think it is easy for me to talk all about my past and what I have done. They would be very wrong. Is it easy for you to tell everyone you know every thing bad and horrible that you have ever done? That is my first reaction as well, but that is not what He has called me to be. The truth is, we have all betrayed Jesus at some point in our lives. We all have denied knowing Him, by our actions, by our lives. Matthew 26, "'Teacher, I'm not the one, am I?' And Jesus told him, 'You have said it yourself.'" There is nothing about our sins that we can boast about. Sin is dark and it has a tendency to keep destroying our lives even after we have asked God for forgiveness. If we hold on to this and allow this dark thing to control us, then why did Christ go to the cross for us? Why did He sweat blood in the garden? Why do we say that He is our Savior, if we do not allow Him to free us?

One of the holds that Satan has with our sin, is the secrecy we hold so dear. I am not saying that we need to go around and have a "Jerry Springer" experience every time we come together. I am saying that we need to find the freedom that Christ offers us, through letting go of our secrets. What sin is so bad that Christ's blood cannot cover! If we hold on to our secrets, for fear of others opinions about us, aren't we holding on to fear. Matthew 25, The Parable of the Loaned Money; Wasn't it the fearful servant whom hid his talents. This servant hid what His master had given Him. What has Christ given me that is more valuable than redemption from sin? In that redemption there is nothing more powerful than my sharing of His forgiveness. In that sharing there is true freedom, but that doesn't mean that Satan does not try to get a hold. He tries to come in and devour Christ's healing, every day. But, every day I am armed with the redeeming power of His word.

Jesus said, "And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age." Truly, what do we have to fear? Even if it is death calling us to fear, what does death hold on our Lord? If someone said to Lazarus, "I will kill you if..." I think Lazarus would have laughed and said, "But He has already conquered death. Death has no sting!" So why are we so fearful? Why do we continually hold on to our secrets, so that Satan keeps his power and control over our lives? One of the scariest things to do is to let go of those secrets we hold so dear, but what a freedom we can find to replace that hold. I think one reason we cherish our secrets so much is because, if we tell others, then we are responsible for changing our lives. He never said, "Confess your sins and continue on in your ways." But, He does say, "Confess and sin no more. Change the way you are living, so that you can find true freedom."

Matthew 28, "Then the angel spoke to the women. 'Don't be afraid!' he said. 'I know you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He isn't here! He has been raised from the dead..." Have you found the power of His redeeming love? Have you found the freedom of confession? If you still need a little more help, here it is. Acts 18:9, "Don't be afraid! Speak out! Don't be silent! For I am with you, and no one will harm you because many people here in this city belong to Me."

http://www.rbc.org/devotionals/my-utmost-for-his-highest/08/19/devotion.aspx?year=2009

Heart

Matthew 21:28-32, "'What do you think? There was a man who had two sons. He went to the first and said, 'Son, go and work today in the vineyard.' 'I will not,' he answered, but later he changed his mind and went. 'Then the father went to the other son and said the same thing. He answered, 'I will, sir,' but he did not go. 'Which of the two did what his father wanted?' 'The first,' they answered. Jesus said to them, 'I tell you the truth, the tax collectors and the prostitutes are entering the kingdom of God ahead of you. For John came to you to show you the way of righteousness, and you did not believe him, but the tax collectors and the prostitutes did. And even after you saw this, you did not repent and believe him." It is amazing to me, how I can place myself in all of Jesus' stories. If I had not chosen the hard path that I did, I would still be the brother who told his father he would work, but did not. That is how I was living my life. I was trying so hard to appear to be living right. But, the whole time, my heart was seeking other things. Then I became the older brother. He said he would not work for his father, but later changed his mind and obeyed.

Many times we want things to go certain ways in our lives. Then, we only discover that our circumstances really do not matter to God, but our heart is what He is after. This is very sad to me. I have seen it in others and I have experienced it myself. I have a friend who is struggling with love in her marriage, but because of this marriage she is drawing closer to God. If she had married a "strong" Christian man, she would have lived with the illusion of faith, but would only have had his faith for hers. Now since she has struggled so much with her marriage, she has developed a strong relationship with the only one who can truly love her. Her faith in her God has become strong because of her struggles in her marriage. If I had not lived the life that I chose to live, it would have been much harder for me to feel the true forgiveness and love of my God. I am afraid that I would have continued in my walk as the brother that said he would obey, but never really intended to follow his father in the first place.

Matthew 22:37-40, "'Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?' Jesus replied: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." The trials in my life have taught me the love of Christ, for I have been the one crying at His feet, wiping the tears with my hair. I have also learned to love others with a more understanding heart, for I was many times, much worse than they were. We tend to ask God to change our situations, but we are not asking Him to change what really needs changing. Our hearts are what He is after. Until, we come to the point of being able to change our love, He may never change our situation. I look at haw far I had to fall, before my heart was ready to be touched. That is how I see, just how hard my heart really was. What situations do you continually find yourself in? What are you asking God to do for you? Are you looking at your situation through your own eyes, or are you seeing what God is really wanting you to see?

Oswald Chambers, ""Sell all that you have . . ." (Luke 18:22). In other words, rid yourself before God of everything that might be considered a possession until you are a mere conscious human being standing before Him, and then give God that. That is where the battle is truly fought— in the realm of your will before God. Are you more devoted to your idea of what Jesus wants than to Jesus Himself?"

http://www.rbc.org/devotionals/my-utmost-for-his-highest/08/18/devotion.aspx?year=2009

Forgive

Matthew 18:21ff, "Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times... 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?'"

Do you know how much you have been forgiven? It can be so easy to accept forgiveness without ever realizing just how much you do not deserve that forgiveness. My debt was huge. I can think of no one who owes me more than I owed. My sins were obvious and for that I am thankful, for I can see how much I owed. It is those sins that tend to hide from the sight of others that causes us to forget that we owe Him more. After I left my sin of the flesh, there were some that forgave me so easily and others who did not. One of the ones who were so forgiving made a statement that I have held close to my heart. "Those who have experienced forgiveness, it is easier for them to forgive." For all of us, forgiveness is waiting at our admittance of our need for forgiveness. The problem lies in those who think they really have no dire need for that forgiveness. This is sad to me, for how can we truly feel the love of God if we do not really know the need for Him?

In knowing how bad of a sinner that I have been, another danger is thinking, "I am not that bad any longer. I am doing pretty good now." This is dangerous because we tend to think that our "little" sins do not cost as much as our "big" ones. We are separated from God no matter how "big" our sins are. All sins have the same price tag. They all cost Him His blood. Can we see that we are the ones that place sins in a category of big or little. My impatience toward my children, is as big of a sin as stripping. Your bitterness toward your husband is as big of a sin as his pornography. You holding a grudge against someone for their sins against you, is all the same. The question is not, do we need forgiveness, but can we give it? Do we see our sins at the same level as others? Can I see my own sin today as needing the same forgiveness as my sin when I was on drugs? He came for sinners, for the sick who needed healing. If you do not think you need a doctor, will you willingly go to one?

"Thank You Father for calling me when I could see you the easiest. Thank You for allowing me to feel your love. Please help me to remember my need for You, every day. The more I know You, the more I need You. Please keep my eyes open to my true dependence on You. For I cannot breath without You. Help me to show my children how much You love them. Let my actions towards them be a witness to them, of Your perfect love for them. Help me to show my husband Your mercy and grace. He allowed me to feel Your love first. Help me to show Him Your grace. Please help me to live today with Your image upon my life, so that others can come to know Your true love for them. Help me to rely upon You, today, for this day is really all that I have. Thank You my Lord."

Faith Out of the Boat

Matthew 14:25ff, "During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw Him walking on the lake, they were terrified. 'It's a ghost,' they said, and cried out in fear. But Jesus immediately said to them: 'Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid.' 'Lord, if it's You,' Peter replied, 'tell me to come to You on the water.' 'Come,' He said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, 'Lord, save me!' Immediately Jesus reached out His hand and caught him. 'You of little faith,' He said, 'why did you doubt?' And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshiped Him, saying, 'Truly You are the Son of God.'"

I have heard this taught many times, but I have another take on this story of faith. Peter had faith in Jesus, for he got out of the boat. It was when he took his eyes off of Jesus that he began to doubt. He began to doubt, because he doubted himself. For, he started relying on himself instead of Jesus. When he began to sink, he called out to Jesus to save him. His attention was turned back towards his Lord and he found strength. I have experienced this same feeling in my life. I can know it is God directing my path, but then I doubt myself. I doubt if I can stay true. I do not doubt God; I know He is in control. The doubt that I feel is in myself. When I direct my attention toward me, I know I can fail. I start looking at the situation that I am in and I start trying to make things happen the way that I see them. What I need to do is to keep my focus on Christ and no matter what happens, I will not sink.

Whatever happens, I know God is in control. I know this. I can get uneasy not knowing the ending to the situation, but I do have faith in my God. It is in my own strength and power that I see weakness. Keeping our eyes on Christ is the key. Knowing that it is His strength in us that makes us strong. It is His power that keeps us afloat on the water. Peter's feet got wet. When we step out in faith, it does not mean that our feet will not get wet. It does mean that if we keep our eyes upon Jesus, we can walk upon the water. Whatever wave that comes toward us, if we keep our faith in Him and not upon ourselves, we will stay afloat. "You of little faith. Why do you doubt?" He gives us His power. Why do we begin to doubt ourselves as soon as we step out in faith? I have faith in my Lord. I find doubt when I look at myself. The key is learning to see Him in me, so that I do not rely on my own strength as I am walking in faith.

Balaam and Gomer

Matthew 9:12, "When Jesus heard this, He said, 'Healthy people don’t need a doctor—sick people do.' Then He added, 'Now go and learn the meaning of this Scripture: ‘I want you to show mercy, not offer sacrifices.’ For I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners.” This verse strikes home with me today, for I know how wretched I am. Last night I heard the testimony of a friend of mine. As I listened to her tell her life history, about walking through the desert, so much was brought to my attention. Her story started with a hard childhood. In fact, most of those I talk with had trials beginning with a parents divorce, being abused, or something that happened to them as children that they had no control over. They made bad choices, because they saw no other example in their first years of learning. So what is my excuse? My parents are still together. I wish they had a better relationship, but they are still together. I was molested when I was in the 5th grade by an older boy, but he did not rape me. I mean there are some things that I could point to for an excuse. But in reality, I had a very good childhood. I purposefully chose the desert that I found myself in.

Numbers 22, I have been just like the prophet Balaam. The angel of the Lord said, "I have come to block your way because you are stubbornly resisting me... Then Balaam confessed to the angel of the Lord, 'I have sinned. I did not realize you were standing in the road to block my way. I will go back home..." Balaam stubbornly chose to go his own way. A talking donkey would not even stop him! People see this and say, "What a fool he was! How blind do you have to be?" What a fool I have been! How many times did God send an angel to stand in my path and block the direction I was traveling in? But I stubbornly pushed my way, until I was finally in such a mess that I had to listen and not refuse the help. I pushed my way, until I had no other choices. Thankfully I have a gracious Lord.

Matthew 9:36, "He felt great pity for the crowds that came, because their problems were so great and they didn't know where to go for help. They were like sheep without a shepherd. He said to His disciples, 'The harvest is so great, but the workers are so few. So pray to the Lord who is in charge of the harvest; ask Him to send out more workers for His fields.'" Thankfully my Lord felt great pity for me. I was such a fool. I stubbornly chose all of the pain that I ever experienced in this life. Only I am to blame for the hurt that I have felt and the pain that I have caused upon others. What a fool I have been. My sins are great, for I chose every one. I no longer want to be associated with the Balaams and Gomers of the bible. I want to be a worker in the fields of harvest. I desire to see my Lord and for Him to say, "Well done good and faithful servant." I will go Lord. Please send me. Please keep my eyes open to what you want me to do for You. When I am afraid let me hear you. 10:19, "...don't worry about what to say in your defense, because you will be given the right words at the right time. For it won't be you doing the talking--it will be the Spirit of your Father speaking through you."

Cart Before the Horse

Ahh there is so much. Matthew is full of good things, but to choose just one is so hard. 5:13, "Salt looses its saltiness." Has this statement ever confused you? Did you know that the salt was previously used to heat the fire. That is how it looses its saltiness. Over and over again, it was thrown into the manure, for that is what they burned, and it made the fire hotter. Are you safe in your own little world? You are supposed to go out with others, even the "dirty" ones, so that your love for them can make them burn hot with the love of Christ. 5:20, "But I warn you- unless you obey God better than the teachers of religious law an the Pharisees do, you can't enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The Pharisees knew what they were doing and they followed God in every detail of their life, except their heart. Do we follow God in every detail of our life? Does He have our entire heart? 5:22, "But I say, if you are angry with someone, you are subject to judgment." (Commentary) "Anger in this case refers to seething, brooding bitterness against someone." Are you holding bitterness in your heart? 5:28, "anyone who even looks at a woman with lust in his eye has already committed adultery with her in his heart." (Commentary) "Jesus emphasized that if the act is wrong, then so is the intention. To be faithful to your spouse with your body but not your mind is to break the trust so vital to a strong marriage...the deliberate and repeated filling of one's mind with fantasies that would be evil if acted out." There is so much, but I am not dealing with this right now. I have been hit with something else.

6:25ff, "...don't worry... Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? Of course not... You have so little faith! ...Your heavenly Father already knows all your needs, and He will give you all you need from day to day if you live for Him and make the Kingdom of God your primary concern." I really did not know that I was consuming my mind with worry, until yesterday. I had a friend ask me to meet with her at the park and we spent the entire day talking. She was sharing her concerns about her life with me, but the entire time God was really talking with me. The statement she kept repeating was, "Don't put the cart before the horse." Oh, how this echoed in my mind. I have been asked to speak to teens about sex and the consequences that come with that. I have been putting so much pressure upon myself, hoping that I can do this all over... "putting the cart before the horse."

Have you ever wanted something probably not for the right reasons. I think I was wanting this more, so that I would not look like a fool (Well, I will be talking about my mistakes, so that part I will look like a fool). But I was hoping this speaking thing would really take off and I would feel some value there. I have been worrying that the entire thing would fall apart and I would not even get a chance. How foolish of me. I did not set this up. God did. If I am to believe that He is in control of everything, then all will be fine. Even if I do not end up doing what I think I am going to do, I will learn something more about Him. Everything that we do, everything that happens to us is to strengthen our relationship and dependence upon Him. Why is it that we feel we have to do anything? If we are putting our trust in Him, He will do it all. All He asks of us is to take the next step that He has laid out in front of us. Everything that we do, it really is not for us. It is for Him, so why worry.

"You have so little faith!" I want to be a person of faith, but then my true faith is revealed. When I worry; when I try to make things in my life play out how I think they should, my true faith is revealed to me. I have so little faith. So with that, "God I am truly sorry. I am sorry that I have not been faithful to You. I am sorry that I have been wanting to take control of my life, when it is not mine to control. Please forgive me, for not trusting You. It does not matter how things play out in my circumstances. What matters is that I have a deeper more personal relationship with You. Thank You, for taking care of me. Thank you, for washing me clean. Thank you, for being in charge, so that I do not have to have such a burden upon me. It is Your cross to bear, Thank You."

Christian, Christ Follower; Do you Hear a Difference?

Matthew 3, "But when he saw many of the Pharisees and Sadducees coming for baptism, he said to them, You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee and escape from the wrath and indignation [of God against disobedience] that is coming? Bring forth fruit that is consistent with repentance [let your lives prove your change of heart]; And do not presume to say to yourselves, We have Abraham for our forefather; for I tell you, God is able to raise up descendants for Abraham from these stones! And already the ax is lying at the root of the trees; every tree therefore that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. I indeed baptize you in (with) water because of repentance [that is, because of your changing your minds for the better, heartily amending your ways, with abhorrence of your past sins]. But He Who is coming after me is mightier than I, Whose sandals I am not worthy or fit to take off or carry; He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and with fire. His winnowing fan (shovel, fork) is in His hand, and He will thoroughly clear out and clean His threshing floor and gather and store His wheat in His barn, but the chaff He will burn up with fire that cannot be put out." (Amplified Bible)

As I read Matthew, the first thing that jumps out at me, is the call to be true. There is so much in this book and I want to talk about it all. But if the first thing that gets my attention is the call to not be a hypocrite, then this is where I must start. The Pharisees and Sadducees were the spiritual leaders of the time. The Pharisees knew the Torah (first five books of the OT) by memory. Can you imagine, being able to quote all of the gospels by memory, from any point; to know how many birds are mentioned and what kind; to know each healing and to quote exactly what is written. This is what they were able to do. They knew the word of God, but there was something wrong. John called them a "brood of snakes". What was it that brought such a response? Why were they so despised by our Lord and His true followers? Their heart was not in their worship. They had not really changed their lives, for their actions were telling on their true beliefs. They did everything right, but their was no love found in them.

Jesus did not come to enforce laws, but to fulfill them. He came to bring life, and true life is what He offers. Many people are turned off from becoming a Christ follower, because of those whom call themselves Christians. Rules are placed in front of them; Pleasures are taken away; Labor is what we (Christians) offer to those whom are looking for freedom. I even almost cringe when someone asks me if I am a Christian, for Christians do not usually have a good name. I prefer "Christ follower." Most do not think of love and what Jesus truly is, when they hear Christian. They think, hypocrite, loveless, judgmental, the list goes on and on. When we turn our lives over to Christ, yes we will change what we are doing. We are never told, "your sins are forgiven, go and keep living the same life." No, we are told to live differently. But if our hearts are still hard, nothing has really changed. It is all about a change of heart. The change in behavior will change if our hearts change. The question is, why do you change. Have you accepted Christ as your Savior? If so, have you changed in your behavior? Have you changed because you want to love your Lord, or have you change because you are following the rules? Trust me, there is a big difference. John calls the rule followers a brood of snakes. Are you a snake, pretending to be a sheep?

Non of us are perfect. Everyone knows that I am far from perfect, but I am truly in love with my Lord. I am a Christian, I am a Christ follower. If you have not accepted Christ as your Lord, why not? Is it because of His followers? If so, I am truly sorry. If this is the case, please stop looking at the fallen ones, for none of us are perfect. Look to the true Savior, the one who is perfect, and you will see the light. Read His word. Study and see who He really is. Fall in love with your Lord, so you can learn to love His children...

I Am the LORD, and I Do Not Change

I have finally finished reading the Old Testament. I have loved seeing the prophesies that were spoken about my Lord, and the steps that led to my Saviors birth. I thoroughly enjoy reading and learning about the true love of God. Many may see God as being unjust and tough, but I see Him as being patient, kind, and Sovereign. Malachi, 3:6, "I am the LORD, and I do not change." He is the same yesterday and today. His laws are the same and His expectation of us is the same. We do not have to live according to all of the laws of the OT, for many were fulfilled by Christ. But, God is the same and He expects us to live with love for Him and His values.

Malachi, "A son honors his father, and a servant respects his master. I am your Father and Master, but where are the honor and respect I deserve? ...You defile them by saying the alter of the LORD deserves no respect... Go ahead, beg God to be merciful to you! But when you bring that kind of offering, why should He show you any favor at all? Asks the LORD Almighty. ...you dishonor My name with your actions... You say, 'It is too hard to serve the LORD,' and you turn up your noses at His commands,' says the LORD Almighty. 'Think of it!' The purpose of My covenant with the Levites was to bring life and peace... You cry out, 'Why has the LORD abandoned us?' I'll tell you why! Because the LORD witnessed the vows you and your wife made to each other on your wedding day when you were young. But you have been disloyal to her, though she remained your faithful companion, the wife of your marriage vows. Didn't the LORD make you one with your wife? In body and spirit you are His. And what does He want? Godly children from your union. So guard yourself; remain loyal to the wife of your youth. 'For I hate divorce!' Says the LORD Almighty. 'It is as cruel as putting on a victim's bloodstained coat,' says the LORD Almighty. 'So guard yourself; always remain loyal to your wife.' You have wearied the LORD with your words. 'Wearied Him?' you ask. 'How have we wearied Him?' You have wearied Him by suggesting that the LORD favors evildoers since He does not punish them. You have wearied Him by asking, 'Where is the God of justice?' ...I am the LORD, and I do not change... for you who fear My name, the Sun of Righteousness will rise with healing in His wings. And you will go free, leaping with joy like calves let out to pasture."

Oh, how I love my God. How thankful I am to Him that He is so patient, for I have done all of these things and more. I shake my head and regret grieving my Lords heart, but how thankful I am to Him that He is so kind. I now leap for joy. I have been cleansed and I have found favor even though I deserved none. Thank You God, for waiting for me. Thank You, for paying the price that I owed. Thank You, for being patient with me still. Send Your Holy Spirit down upon us, so that He can convict our hearts and turn them to You. Put in us the desire to please You. When we sin, do not let us grieve because of the consequences we suffer here. Let us grieve because we have grieved Your heart and turned our eyes away from You.

"When you fall into sin, the smallest price you pay is only the wounding you bring to yourself-- You grieve the heart of God and embarrass the community of Christ." (RZ) Help us to remember this and to live to please You. Change my desires, every day. Help me to live today, a life that pleases You. Thank you, for changing me today. Thank you, for allowing me to dance with joy... Thank You for never changing, for being my constant, my steady Rock...

God Whistles

Zechariah 10:8-12, "When I whistle to them, they will come running, for I have redeemed them... They will pass safely through the sea of distress, for the waves of the sea will be held back... I will make them My people strong in My power, and they will go wherever they wish by My authority. I, the LORD, have spoken."

I do not yell and scream to get my boys attention. I whistle. I whistle and my oldest, because he has had more training, comes running. He knows that when he hears the sound of my whistle, I am calling him for something. Either we are leaving, or I want to tell him something, or give him something; really I just want his attention. My youngest tends to ignore my whistle and continue in on his endeavors. He has yet to learn that when he hears me, I mean business. I do not want to yell at him, or have to spank him for disobeying. I want him to pay attention to me when he hears me. God does the same for all of us. His desire is for us to live in safety and have a prosperous life. He wants us to come to Him when he whistles. He does not want to force us or for us to choose to be disciplined. He wants to bless us.

I am not sure exactly where the LORD is taking me, but I choose to walk and enter into each door that I think He is opening for me. I have been the younger sibling, stubbornly choosing to ignore the whistle of God. I do not want to have to walk through the sea of distress any longer. I want to know that He is leading me and I will be safe even when I am unsure. (6:15), "...you will know my messages have been from the LORD Almighty. All this will happen if you carefully obey the commands of the LORD your God." Each day I truly want to follow the LORDS direction for my life. Each day He is guiding me into a closer relationship to Him. Each day I stumble and fail in some way, but because I really want to do what He desires of me, he catches me and leads me safely.

Just yesterday, we went to a friends house for Jason to work on her computer. We took the boys with us because she has horses and ponds for them to play around. As we entered the coral where the horses where, I told the boys, "If you will obey me and do exactly what I say, you will be safe around the horses. If you do not obey me exactly as I command you too, you could get hurt. It is your choice. You can obey and have fun today, or disobey and pay the price in severe consequences for your disobedience." Because of my careful warning, the boys did exactly as I directed, and they had a wonderful day. God is our Father and He wants us to live in safety with Him. He has given all of us pleasures and rules that will make our life here better. We can either choose to obey His laws, and live under His protection, with Him holding the waves of destruction back. Or we can choose to ignore His whistle and pay the price for our disobedience. He has given us the choice. But with each choice we make, we are choosing the consequences to come. Choose this day how you will live. Choose life. Choose to live in His guidance, so we can have abounding pleasure.

Oswald Chambers, "...But if you will allow Him to take you to the end of your own self-sufficiency, then He can choose you to go with Him "to Jerusalem" ( Luke 18:31 ). And that will mean the fulfillment of purposes which He does not discuss with you....The only thing of value is being taken into the compelling purpose of God and being made His friends...As Christians we are not here for our own purpose at all— we are here for the purpose of God, and the two are not the same. We do not know what God’s compelling purpose is, but whatever happens, we must maintain our relationship with Him. We must never allow anything to damage our relationship with God, but if something does damage it, we must take the time to make it right again." Do you hear His whistle? Can you hear His calling? Are you choosing to obey Him today?

http://www.rbc.org/devotionals/my-utmost-for-his-highest/08/04/devotion.aspx?year=2009