1. "How did you feel loved this week by me?"
His truthful, but much needed answer was not what I expected him to say... "I haven't."
And with this answer we had intimacy, just not in the direction I had envisioned. I had been so focused on me and what I wasn't getting out of Jason, out of our relationship, that I forgot to give. In my own selfishness I had forgotten that the route to true intimacy involves me stepping outside myself into his feelings and needs. As a mom, wife, coworker... I often look at all that I am doing, "Don't you see all that I give? Don't you see all of my struggling to try and give us a happy home? And in spite of my MS... Don't you see my strength, my pain, and all that I do for you?" But this question was not about me, I had asked it, and he gave me his truthful answer... about him and how he felt.
As I look back on the days leading to Easter, I must pause and ask God the truthful questions as well, and I must be willing to accept His answer...
They come to the Temple every day and seem delighted to learn all about Me. They act like a righteous nation that would never abandon the laws of its God. They ask Me to take action on their behalf, pretending they want to be near Me. ‘We have fasted before You!’ they say. ‘Why aren’t You impressed? We have been very hard on ourselves, and You don’t even notice it!’ “I will tell you why!” I respond. “It’s because you are fasting to please yourselves," Isaiah 58.
I am not so sure I am ready to hear this answer either. But I want intimacy, so I have to be able to accept the truth and sometimes that truth is not what I am expecting to hear.
There are a five questions that I asked Jason that day. Five questions that I had to be a safe place for him to give me his truth. Five questions that were going to make me get out of me and truly connect with him and what he needed. It was my birthday weekend, but this time was not about me, for true intimacy involves being able to hear Truth from them.
2. "What does your upcoming week look like?"
3. "How can I pray for you this week?"
4. "How would you feel loved and encouraged this week by me?"
5. "How would you feel pursued in sex and love this week?"
Never once did I turn the questions around and expect him to ask me these questions so I could be heard, for honestly, it wasn't about me. I needed him to feel safe in sharing truth with me. Yes, it hurt, but truth is the only way to intimacy. I wanted to focus on intimacy, not me. I need my husband to know how much I appreciate him. I need myself to see how much he does do for me, without me focusing on what I get out of it, but what we are together. What do we give together, that we could never accomplish alone? We are to help build one another up, but if we cannot take the truth, then how are we to know how to truthfully respond.
What good is fasting when you keep on fighting and quarreling? This kind of fasting will never get you anywhere with Me. You humble yourselves by going through the motions of penance, bowing your heads like reeds bending in the wind. You dress in burlap and cover yourselves with ashes. Is this what you call fasting? Do you really think this will please the Lord? “A fast for Me involves sharing your food with people who have none, giving those who are homeless a space in your home, giving clothes to those who need them, and not neglecting your own family, Isaiah 58.
His truthful, but much needed answer was not what I expected him to say... "I haven't."
And with this answer we had intimacy, just not in the direction I had envisioned. I had been so focused on me and what I wasn't getting out of Jason, out of our relationship, that I forgot to give. In my own selfishness I had forgotten that the route to true intimacy involves me stepping outside myself into his feelings and needs. As a mom, wife, coworker... I often look at all that I am doing, "Don't you see all that I give? Don't you see all of my struggling to try and give us a happy home? And in spite of my MS... Don't you see my strength, my pain, and all that I do for you?" But this question was not about me, I had asked it, and he gave me his truthful answer... about him and how he felt.
As I look back on the days leading to Easter, I must pause and ask God the truthful questions as well, and I must be willing to accept His answer...
They come to the Temple every day and seem delighted to learn all about Me. They act like a righteous nation that would never abandon the laws of its God. They ask Me to take action on their behalf, pretending they want to be near Me. ‘We have fasted before You!’ they say. ‘Why aren’t You impressed? We have been very hard on ourselves, and You don’t even notice it!’ “I will tell you why!” I respond. “It’s because you are fasting to please yourselves," Isaiah 58.
I am not so sure I am ready to hear this answer either. But I want intimacy, so I have to be able to accept the truth and sometimes that truth is not what I am expecting to hear.
There are a five questions that I asked Jason that day. Five questions that I had to be a safe place for him to give me his truth. Five questions that were going to make me get out of me and truly connect with him and what he needed. It was my birthday weekend, but this time was not about me, for true intimacy involves being able to hear Truth from them.
2. "What does your upcoming week look like?"
3. "How can I pray for you this week?"
4. "How would you feel loved and encouraged this week by me?"
5. "How would you feel pursued in sex and love this week?"
Never once did I turn the questions around and expect him to ask me these questions so I could be heard, for honestly, it wasn't about me. I needed him to feel safe in sharing truth with me. Yes, it hurt, but truth is the only way to intimacy. I wanted to focus on intimacy, not me. I need my husband to know how much I appreciate him. I need myself to see how much he does do for me, without me focusing on what I get out of it, but what we are together. What do we give together, that we could never accomplish alone? We are to help build one another up, but if we cannot take the truth, then how are we to know how to truthfully respond.
What good is fasting when you keep on fighting and quarreling? This kind of fasting will never get you anywhere with Me. You humble yourselves by going through the motions of penance, bowing your heads like reeds bending in the wind. You dress in burlap and cover yourselves with ashes. Is this what you call fasting? Do you really think this will please the Lord? “A fast for Me involves sharing your food with people who have none, giving those who are homeless a space in your home, giving clothes to those who need them, and not neglecting your own family, Isaiah 58.
Maybe fasting is to teach us how to act during real trials. Are we short? Do we only think of how we are suffering? Am I able to see past myself and what I deal with every day in order to still be intimate with my Lord by getting out and connecting with His loved ones in helping them live this life better? My husband's heart has good will toward me, my God's heart has good will toward me, but can I see past myself to see their heart's for me? It is in learning not to focus on myself and what I want out of relationships that I can find true freedom, true intimacy. Am I a safe place to hear truth? Am I willing to step out and ready to find true love?
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