Intimacy in Tuth

My 41st birthday was just a couple of weeks ago. Jason took me to Ouray for a quiet get away, just the two of us. I had been feeling the need for more intimacy for quite a while. Just a couple of months before I had told him, "I don't feel very intimate with you." Looked at him and asked if he felt intimate with me? When he answered with "yes" I was baffled. How? We barely have time to talk. We talk about work. We talk about kids. We talk about facts, but for me as a woman, I need something more. I need talking about feelings. For him as a man, intimacy is doing. We work together. We "sleep" together. We are always together. So for him he feels connected.... I needed to talk! So on this drive for my birthday, I got out my little questions and began with question one. "We are going to have a great talk," I thought, "and start off this weekend trip to Ouray right so we can have some intimacy.

1. "How did you feel loved this week by me?"
His truthful, but much needed answer was not what I expected him to say... "I haven't."

And with this answer we had intimacy, just not in the direction I had envisioned. I had been so focused on me and what I wasn't getting out of Jason, out of our relationship, that I forgot to give. In my own selfishness I had forgotten that the route to true intimacy involves me stepping outside myself into his feelings and needs. As a mom, wife, coworker... I often look at all that I am doing, "Don't you see all that I give? Don't you see all of my struggling to try and give us a happy home? And in spite of my MS... Don't you see my strength, my pain, and all that I do for you?" But this question was not about me, I had asked it, and he gave me his truthful answer... about him and how he felt.

As I look back on the days leading to Easter, I must pause and ask God the truthful questions as well, and I must be willing to accept His answer...

They come to the Temple every day and seem delighted to learn all about Me. They act like a righteous nation that would never abandon the laws of its God. They ask Me to take action on their behalf, pretending they want to be near Me. ‘We have fasted before You!’ they say. ‘Why aren’t You impressed? We have been very hard on ourselves, and You don’t even notice it!’ “I will tell you why!” I respond. “It’s because you are fasting to please yourselves," Isaiah 58.

I am not so sure I am ready to hear this answer either. But I want intimacy, so I have to be able to accept the truth and sometimes that truth is not what I am expecting to hear.

There are a five questions that I asked Jason that day. Five questions that I had to be a safe place for him to give me his truth. Five questions that were going to make me get out of me and truly connect with him and what he needed. It was my birthday weekend, but this time was not about me, for true intimacy involves being able to hear Truth from them.

2. "What does your upcoming week look like?"
3. "How can I pray for you this week?"
4. "How would you feel loved and encouraged this week by me?"
5. "How would you feel pursued in sex and love this week?"

Never once did I turn the questions around and expect him to ask me these questions so I could be heard, for honestly, it wasn't about me. I needed him to feel safe in sharing truth with me. Yes, it hurt, but truth is the only way to intimacy. I wanted to focus on intimacy, not me. I need my husband to know how much I appreciate him. I need myself to see how much he does do for me, without me focusing on what I get out of it, but what we are together. What do we give together, that we could never accomplish alone? We are to help build one another up, but if we cannot take the truth, then how are we to know how to truthfully respond.

What good is fasting when you keep on fighting and quarreling? This kind of fasting will never get you anywhere with Me. You humble yourselves by going through the motions of penance, bowing your heads like reeds bending in the wind. You dress in burlap and cover yourselves with ashes. Is this what you call fasting? Do you really think this will please the Lord? “A fast for Me involves sharing your food with people who have none, giving those who are homeless a space in your home, giving clothes to those who need them, and not neglecting your own family, Isaiah 58.

Maybe fasting is to teach us how to act during real trials. Are we short? Do we only think of how we are suffering? Am I able to see past myself and what I deal with every day in order to still be intimate with my Lord by getting out and connecting with His loved ones in helping them live this life better? My husband's heart has good will toward me, my God's heart has good will toward me, but can I see past myself to see their heart's for me? It is in learning not to focus on myself and what I want out of relationships that I can find true freedom, true intimacy. Am I a safe place to hear truth? Am I willing to step out and ready to find true love?

“Then your salvation will come like the dawn, and your wounds will quickly heal. Your godliness will lead you forward, and the glory of the Lord will protect you from behind. Then when you call, the Lord will answer.‘Yes, I am here,’ He will quickly reply..." Isaiah 58.

"I Do"

What do you think of when you hear the phrase, "I do"?  This past weekend was Easter Sunday, while we were at church I kept hearing "I do".  I was one of the ones that said "I do" as part of a beautiful baby dedication/baptism.  It was a phrase that was heard throughout the sanctuary as others, including the baby's momma (the baby that I held nestled in my arms), were baptized (fully immersed in water, a choice made as a commitment to God).  "I do", a commitment phrase that was heard around the world on Easter as people were pronouncing their belief that Jesus Christ is Lord.  "I do" a commitment phrase heard around the world every day as others are getting married and committing themselves to stay with their mate they have chosen: For better or worse, Richer or poorer, Through sickness and health.  A promise, a commitment, to serve and to love.  What have we committed our-self to? What are we dedicated to as we live our day to day life?

Sadly, I have been married two times to two very different men in two very different ways.  I have written in more detail on my first marriage in "Sin's False Love", so I will spare you and me both from that road trip for now.  In that marriage I committed myself to a man and he became my lord, and because of that commitment to a man, we both fell apart.  This time I am married again, but the commitment is different.  My commitment is to Christ first, then to my marriage.  When Jason and I were married we had within our vows that we were confident that God had chosen the other for us.  We were confident and made our declaration to God to be focused on Him first, then our marriage within this new family, second.  Two very different commitments. Two very different lives. One filled with Christ as the center, the other with relational infidelity ruling us. Commitments just the same, one that was self serving adultery and the other a servant that is full of abundant life.

Easter weekend, a very big weekend indeed!  Christ went to the cross as an atoning sacrifice, a sin offering.  He lived gallantly and died with sin on display before the world.  Colossians 2:15, "He disarmed those who once ruled over us—those who had overpowered us. Like captives of war, He put them on display to the world to show His victory over them by means of the cross." Then after He rose He gave all of us a charge.  Mark 16:15, "Go out into the world and share the good news with all of creation. Anyone who believes this good news and is ceremonially washed (in water baptism) will be rescued, but anyone who does not believe it will be condemned."  At the end of all of the gospels is a charge to all of us to go out and tell our live's story, so that His story is revealed to the world, our world that we are each a part of. In Jonh 21, Jesus appears to His disciples and asks Peter three different times, "Do you love me?" All three very hurt-felt moments on Peters confession of his love for his Lord, he says, "Yes Lord, You know I love You."  Then Jesus' charge, "Feed My sheep, look after My people, share My story." We are each called to go alone on this journey. It is our personal journey that we must do alone, Oswald Chambers. 

I thought I would sleep in this morning.  I thought that since I went to bed around 12:30am, that I would be able to sleep till at least 7am.  I am not bragging.  I am not saying that everyone must get up at 5:30am, but I am saying that my alone time with my God was calling.  I hear His voice better in the morning, before my boys awake, before life distractions take my focus, but even with this I must be careful.  Do you Worship the Work?  Must I have "my time with God"?  Often, I have discovered that my alone time "with God", can become a work, if it is interrupted, I do not live as someone in love with Christ.  "I worship my time with my coffee" is more like it. Every moment of every day, I must call myself to refocus.  I must commit myself to be committed to Him and what He is showing me in that moment, where I should walk, who I should show His love to.  It is when my heart is being selfish that I discover I am living in "sin" no matter how good it may appear on the surface.  I am saying this because this past Easter Sunday, my alone time with my coffee was interrupted.  I call it my coffee time, because my focus was not on my God at all, but on a time of day to be quiet with my coffee. If that interruption destroys my story about my "changed" life with Christ, my focus is taken off of Him and how I am to show His love to others, die to myself, and rise new with Him.  It is distorted and relational infidelity is the result. The Habit of having No Habits

Are we able to live in focus with our God?  Have we made that commitment with our own lives and are we following through with that commitment?  He has proven His love for us.  He felt it well worth it to live as one of us.  He did not come to be one of us in the glory and "easy" life, but He chose to be born in poverty, to be baptized to show part of His obedience, to die a disgraceful death upon a cross.  But all of it, His whole life and ours, is about the Resurrection to a New Life, and that is well worth living for.  It is about disarming that power that once ruled over us and living free with Christ as our ruler.  Who/what is your ruler?  Where is our commitment today?

Son of Man, a Second Touch

Mark 8:22-37, as we begin this journey through a second look into a very similar story please read the links, so we can follow my random thoughts easier! The healings that the Christ preforms are usually instant and full. This time a second touch is needed. "Can you see anything?" Jesus asks. "Yes, I see people but they look like trees." Again Jesus touches him and asks if he can see. This time the healing was complete. Mark gives us this story as a possibility that we may need to look again. Look this time and see what we can find new and complete...

Who is Jesus the Christ? What are our expectations of Him? What do we expect to happen with our own lives by being called His followers?

Jesus asked them, "Who do you say that I am?" Peter's reply, "You are God's anointed the Liberating King.... the Messiah."

With this answer came expectations. They expected the Messiah to be a political leader, a conqueror, to set them free from their Roman oppressors. In His own explanation of Himself Jesus said much differently.

I, the "Son of Man must suffer many terrible things and be rejected by the elders, the leading priests, and the teachers of religious law. He would be killed, but three days later he would rise from the dead."

We suffer. We have trials. We have sadness and loss. Jesus came as the "Son of Man". He came to suffer with us, for us, and to conquer death that is ever trying to trap us. As the Son of Man He has demonstrated the way and we are to follow Him there.

“If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake and for the sake of the Good News, you will save it. And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul? Is anything worth more than your soul?"

Mark 14, Go to Link!

Why did all of this happen? Did the woman really understand what she was doing? Did she know that she was preparing Jesus for burial? I think she was showing Him appreciative love. She was grateful for how He had helped her. It doesn't say how He had touched her, but we know that she loved and appreciated Him.

A look at Judas... We know that Judas was part of the 12, but we know that he still had deceit in his heart. He stole from the money that he was in charge of. He didn't embrace Jesus and His teachings on love. He saw Jesus the way that most saw Him, a conqueror. I don't think that Judas really knew what He was doing. I think he believed Jesus to be the Messiah, but his understanding of what that meant was off. I think that he was trying to force his belief. He was forcing Jesus to take a stand and battle. He wanted Him to reign and defeat his enemy. When this did not turn out how he thought it should have, he felt great remorse and begged for the money to be taken back. He wished he had never been born and killed himself for what he had done. He wasn't willing to follow Jesus all the way until the end to see how things would turn out. He turned his back on life and ended it in suicide.

A look a Peter.... Peter was ready to die in battle. He was prepared to go into battle with Jesus like Strider was prepared to battle for Froto in Lord of the Rings. But Jesus wanted them to understand differently. He was battling with them by being one of them! He was the true Son of Man and He was going all the way in suffering, to death. I don't think Peter really denied Jesus, but he was confused on what he was supposed to do. He was ready to draw his sword, but he was told not to. He heard that death was coming, but didn't understand the way. His denial was said in confusion.... not in true denial, when he realized what he had actually done, he left sorrowfully. He couldn't believe the reality of his words. They were true and he had actually (in misunderstanding) denied his Lord.

What are my expectations with my Christ? I have begged and pleaded for healing for over 19 years. I now see a way through intelligent design, through stem cells that have been laying dormant for all this time, just waiting to be awoken. I am counting on this healing, a fresh start in life. But what if my healing doesn't come? What if it doesn't work the way I see? Am I going to give up on life? Am I going to commit emotional suicide? Am I going to deny my Lord, because of my confusion?

I have been on this journey too long to give up now. This is not about what I want or what I can get out of this Jesus thing. It is about my true belief in my God. Can I go with Him, even if it is through suffering unto death? Can You Come Down from the Mountain? Can I stand with Him no matter where He is taking me, no matter what my understanding may be?

Same Old Story

Yesterday at church, was the same old story that we have all heard a thousand times before. Nothing new, the resurrection of Christ. To some the story seems mundane. To some the only stories they hear from the pulpit are the birth, death, and resurrection stories. They hear a lesson preached from the pulpit, two maybe three times a year. They walk in, do their duty for the year, and walk out thinking, "nothing new there." Nothing new there, must resound in their ears, but to those of us that have tasted the sweet taste of forgiveness, we know there is something new there, every day. I always see something new...

John 20, "So Peter and the other disciple started for the tomb. Both were running, but the other disciple outran Peter and reached the tomb first. He bent over and looked in at the strips of linen lying there but did not go in. Then Simon Peter, who was behind him, arrived and went into the tomb. He saw the strips of linen lying there, as well as the burial cloth that had been around Jesus' head. The cloth was folded up by itself, separate from the linen. Finally the other disciple, who had reached the tomb first, also went inside. He saw and believed...She turned to leave and saw someone standing there. It was Jesus, but she didn’t recognize Him. 'Dear woman, why are you crying?' Jesus asked her. 'Who are you looking for?' She thought He was the gardener. 'Sir,' she said, 'if you have taken Him away, tell me where you have put Him, and I will go and get Him.' 'Mary!' Jesus said. She turned to Him and cried out, 'Rabboni!'”

The story is written so that we can see their fear, their pain, their joy. I love it. The one disciple got their first. He ran hard and fast, yet he did not proceed into the tomb, but Peter went on into take a closer look. I can see how we approach our own search for Him in the same way. Some of us jump and start running. We proceed very fast with our journey in faith, but so often when something unexpected comes upon us, we pause and do not dare to get any closer. Yet, others travel much more slowly. (Probably no one has looked at this story and said that Peter was the more cautious one, but this is how I see it NEW today.) Their journey with their faith in Christ takes them time and they use caution and discernment, before they commit their lives to Him. Oh, but once they commit, their faith is strong and their commitment is everlasting. They become the determined ones, the one that do not waiver and the ones that proceed unhindered when the waves of life are upon them. Still others are passionate about their life with Him, but when life is hard we often do not recognize Him in the pain. We question everything and everyone, wondering how and why. But then, after He has allowed our questioning for a time, He looks at us, takes our face into His hands, and says, "Can you see Me now? I never left you."

Oswald Chambers, "It was not death on the cross that Jesus agonized over in Gethsemane. In fact, He stated very emphatically that He came with the purpose of dying. His concern here was that He might not get through this struggle as the Son of Man. He was confident of getting through it as the Son of God— Satan could not touch Him there. But Satan’s assault was that our Lord would come through for us on His own solely as the Son of Man...The agony in Gethsemane was the agony of the Son of God in fulfilling His destiny as the Savior of the world. The veil is pulled back here to reveal all that it cost Him to make it possible for us to become sons of God. His agony was the basis for the simplicity of our salvation. The Cross of Christ was a triumph for the Son of Man. It was not only a sign that our Lord had triumphed, but that He had triumphed to save the human race. Because of what the Son of Man went through, every human being has been provided with a way of access into the very presence of God."

This is not the same old story. This is the story of my salvation. This is the only way that any of us will ever be able to live forever. This is the only way that we have redemption. I am so thankful that He understands my pain, my weak humanness. I am so thankful that He paid my debt, so that I do not have to live in guilt and condemnation, separated from God forever. After you seek, you shall find. After you cry, you shall sing. After you feel the pain, He will heal. It is about listening to Him. Then, His story is new every day. It is all about the Birth, Death, and Resurrection of Christ. The question is, where are you in His story?

http://utmost.org/his-agony-and-our-access/

Exposed

Today is good Friday. All this week I have been reading Matthew 21-27, looking at what happened after Jesus' triumphal entry into Jerusalem. He entered the city with shouts of joy from the crowd. They were praising Him, "'Hosanna to the Son of David!' 'Blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord!' 'Hosanna in the highest!'" I have been concentrating on what lead to the dramatic change of events. They went from praising Him, to shouting, "Crucify Him!" So what happened what changed them so dramatically. Most of the time we concentrate our study on the second coming, or on Mary anointing Jesus' feet, or Peter's denial, or even Judas' betrayal, but I have wanted to know what really set things in motion. The truth is what set peoples hearts on fire against Him. It really was not truth about Him, but truth about them.

(23:1-36), "Then Jesus said to the crowds and to his disciples, 'The teachers of religious law and the Pharisees are the official interpreters of the law of Moses. So practice and obey whatever they tell you, but don’t follow their example. For they don’t practice what they teach. They crush people with unbearable religious demands and never lift a finger to ease the burden. Everything they do is for show... Hypocrites!... Hypocrites!... Hypocrites! Blind guides!... Hypocrites!'"

It was Jesus pointing out the truth in people that turned the crowds. No one likes to be exposed for what they really are. We try to cover and hide our sinful nature. We don't want others to tell us that we are wrong. We can all be put into the category of hypocrite. We want people to think that we are mostly good at heart, but when someone comes and exposes what we are doing as the truth, we want to fight against them and turn others against them as well. It isn't just the "teachers" that do this, but everyone. We all want everyone to agree with our life choices. We all want to say that what we do is not really all that bad. It is hard when someone calls us out and exposes us. Our tendency is to fight against the truth others see in us, until the bottom falls out and there is no other way to run from it. The problem with this approach, is the destruction we cause along the way.

Oswald Chambers, "When Paul received his sight, he also received spiritual insight into the Person of Jesus Christ. His entire life and preaching from that point on were totally consumed with nothing but Jesus Christ— 'For I determined not to know anything among you except Jesus Christ and Him crucified' ( 1 Corinthians 2:2 ). Paul never again allowed anything to attract and hold the attention of his mind and soul except the face of Jesus Christ... Never allow anything to divert you from your insight into Jesus Christ. It is the true test of whether you are spiritual or not. To be unspiritual means that other things have a growing fascination for you. Since mine eyes have looked on Jesus, I’ve lost sight of all beside, So enchained my spirit’s vision, Gazing on the Crucified." Allow Jesus to expose the truth in your life. Allow Him to take away what you thought was pleasing, gratifying, and ultimately your destruction, so that you can finally walk free. Once your eyes are opened to the truth, the truth shall set you free. Take a look at the cross. How has your life lead to the Crucifixion of Christ?

http://www.rbc.org/devotionals/my-utmost-for-his-highest/04/02/devotion.aspx?year=2010

Temple Clearing

Matthew 21:12-17, Jesus, right after His triumphal entry, entered the temple and began clearing it. Knocking over the tables, He said to them, “The Scriptures declare, ‘My Temple will be called a house of prayer,’ but you have turned it into a den of thieves!”

When I read about the temple, my mind is always brought back to the fact that we are the temple now. As Christians we are the temple of God. We are supposed to keep ourselves holy and set apart for His service, but we tend to forget this. We are supposed to always be open for the hurting to come to us. Our homes are to be a sanctuary, a safe place, not only for us, but for others as well.

I had some college girls living with us a few months ago. Through their eyes, I started living my life as a Christ follower. Every time we have opened our home for someone else to stay with us, we have realized something very profound. It is in our home that our true faith is revealed. If you have to change the way you talk to your children, because someone else is listening, maybe your heart is not right toward your children. If others want to avoid your interaction with your spouse, maybe your heart is hard to the one you said you were committed to. If you live differently when others are around you, something is wrong. We are the temple of God. Every day is to be set aside for Him through our lives. It is not about earning your salvation, that is what the cross is about. It is about changing your actions, allowing Him to change your heart. It is about commitment. Who are you committed to?

This week is Holy week. The week set aside before Easter, so that we can thank Christ for dying for us on the Cross. We often think about what He does for us, but do we turn our thoughts inward at our commitment to Him? Do we need to clear the temple and look at how we are really living our lives, when no one else can see us? Can our children not only see our devotion to Christ in our home, but also feel His devotion to them through us? Does our spouse know that we are committed to them, sacrificially, for them. It is not about entering a building to show that we worship God. It is about being the temple of God on a daily basis. If Christ entered your temple after His triumphal entry, would He be knocking over some tables?