War that rages within

I have been struggling with a war within myself, for sometime now. I have been struggling with salvation and the responsibilities that are upon me in this whole process. When was I saved and did I ever really leave God? I do not have an answer for my question and I do not really know if I ever truly will. All that I do know is that, I do not have to worry about it now and I am saved now, and that is all that really matters.

The questions that I deal with are: Is the heart enough or do you really have to show you love God by your actions? In one part the heart is all that matters. God wants your heart and everything else will fall in place over time. At different times in my life I struggled with different levels of knowing and loving God. When I was young I struggled mostly with sexual sin. I thought that once I was married that struggle would be over. It was not! (My ex-husband struggled with sexual sin, so that sin was not fixed with marriage. That is when I started stripping, after I was married.) It really was not a struggle with what I was doing, but a struggle with my heart. This struggle still continues, even though I truly know that I love God and desire nothing more than to please him.

I now struggle with being good enough. The answer to this is; I will never be good enough. It is only through grace in Jesus Christ that I am or ever will be good enough. Am I more saved now than I was seven years ago when I was stripping and asking God to save me from myself? Now that I truly desire to do what God wants me to do, am I better off? The only answer that I can come up with is, No. I am no more saved now than I was, I just know a little more now than I did then.

I am so glad that I am not the judge or I would have sentenced myself to hell many years ago. I do not know that I would have gone to heaven when I was choosing to live in sin, for I still sin. I loose my patience with my children almost daily, I second guess my life and how far, I still know, I need to go. The only thing that I do know is that, God is good and he knows the answers that I do not have to know. I do not recommend that anyone choose to live a life they know is not God's choice for them, that is walking too close to the line for comfort. It is much better to try your best and say, today I am doing my best to live for God. That is a much more comforting feeling than having to beg God to hang in there with you, until you decide that you want to finally turn to him in the pit of your own hell. Maybe then, he will have heard your heart and known more than you about what you truly believe, and that through it all you really did believe in him.

I am so glad that I did not die in that time of my life, that time when I knew who God was in theory but had no idea who he was in my life. I am so glad he allowed me to live long enough to see the other side and how much he does love me. I am so thankful that I did not have to make the decision to send me to heaven or hell, when I was choosing to live a deplorable existence apart from God. Did my knowing him in my head and asking him to forgive me even though I was choosing to live in sin, was that enough? I do not know, I am thankful that I am not the judge, because everything in my head tells me that I was destined for hell.

There are passages throughout the bible that say you will know if you love God because you will obey him. But, there are also many passages that say God's grace is enough and you cannot earn your way to heaven. In the end God knows you and that is what matters. I know more now, so I do better now. I have to live each day, from today, and not worry about "was I saved when," that will drive you crazy and you will have to come to the conclusion that no one will ever be good enough. That is why Christ died for the whole world. No one is good enough. He is good enough for us all at any stage in our life. Each day you know a little more, so each day you do a little better. I have to stop worrying about if I was saved and just thank God that he did save me. I am saved now, that is all that matters. It does not matter when he saved me, but that I have asked him to save me now. He promises that the cross is enough, even for me. Even when I was at my worst, He was and still is enough.