All throughout my bible I mark, underline, and write the thoughts that strike me when I read. I write all over the pages, because my Lord speaks to me and I speak back to Him on these pages. I am reminded every time that I read how my Father has saved me and the roads that I have traveled. I never want to forget what he has done for me.
I was reading this morning from Luke 15:11-32, it is the parable Jesus told about the lost son. In my bible, next to this parable I have written; "How did I get here? What did I do? Look back to the time when God pulled you out." I had allowed my life to get so awful that there was no other alternative, but to leave my life with my ex-husband. I needed God to do something drastic in order to save my life and my soul. He did.
Next to the part when the son is remembering how his father's home was, vs. 17-19, I have written; "Home is what brought him back. His father's love is what saved his memory." God took me back to my parents they helped me to get my life back together. I knew that no matter what, no matter how awful I had been my family, my Father, would take me back.
Vs. 22-32, speak of when the father throws his son a party for returning home. His son was dead but now he is back. His father is so thankful that his son is alive. The older brother is bitter because his younger brother gets a party even though he has wasted his life on partying. Next to this, I have written, "The younger son still has no inheritance, he blew it all. He will never get those years back, but how much more he will appreciate his life with his father now."
Just when I was finished reading my youngest son came outside with me. We sat on the front porch and had one of those special young mother, young son moments snuggling under the blanket. I will cherish that memory, for the rest of my life. These years are going to go by fast and every precious moment that passes, is a precious memory that I will store. I am so thankful for my Father's redeeming love. He brought me out of the mud and mire. He placed me in a land flowing with milk and honey. I do not deserve the celebration. He loves me anyway. He rejoiced when He saw me coming home.
The family that God gave me had a very important part in my healing. They helped me to see that I was loved and they helped me to get my life back together. Even more importantly my Father, my Savior, loved me when... Yes, my family helped me, but it was my Father who saved me. His Spirit was always with me, whispering sweet love into my ear, so that I would not forget. He gives everyone, someone to help them. Even if your earthly father is not your helper, God is much more powerful than any earthly father could ever hope to be. My parents helped me pack my things, but God is who directed the road that I traveled. My parents had nothing to do with where I traveled and how I got there. God did all of that. What map has he set in front of you? Are you willing to travel home, even though you do not see the end results? Are you willing to take the steps, even though you are uncertain of the results? His path may be long, but the journey traveled with Him, is so much sweeter than one traveled alone.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
A Sinful Woman
Luke 7:41-50
Jesus told them this story: "A man loaned money to two people- five hundred pieces of silver to one and 50 pieces to the other. But neither of them could repay him, so he kindly forgave them both, canceling their debts. Who do you suppose loved him more after that?"
Simon answered, "I suppose the one for whom he canceled the larger debt."
"That's right," Jesus said. Then he turned to the woman and said to Simon, "Look at this woman kneeling here. When I entered you home, you did not offer me water to wash the dust from my feet, but she has washed them with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You didn't give me a kiss of greeting, but she has kissed my feet again and again from the time I first came in. You neglected the courtesy of olive oil to anoint my head, but she has anointed my feet with rare perfume. I tell you, her sins-and they are many-have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love. Then Jesus said to the woman, "Your sins are forgiven."
..."Your faith has saved you; go in peace."
I have heard these words from my Lord. Oh, how sweet it is. I do not even deserve to sit at the masters feet, for my sins are many. I have done things that will always haunt my memory, details that no one needs to hear. But my Lord looked at me and forgave my debt... How I have cried at my Saviors feet and begged him to forgive me. He has! My tears have fallen and my debt has been paid.
"Thank you Lord,
Thank you for forgiving my debt. Thank you for giving me a new life a fresh beginning. Thank you for saving my children from a mother that would have harmed them, had you not stepped in. Thank you for giving me a new life, one that does not show the scares that I placed upon my heart. Thank you for being so kind to me. I can never repay you, for the debt that I have is very large. But, in your undying love you have canceled that debt and it will never rise again for me to owe. I love much, because you first loved me and forgave me. You loved when...you forgave me when I cried to you. My tears come with a price, for they are all I can pay you, for all you have done. It was a debt that I placed upon myself and a debt that only you could forgive. Thank you Father for allowing me to live, even after a life of death."
Jesus told them this story: "A man loaned money to two people- five hundred pieces of silver to one and 50 pieces to the other. But neither of them could repay him, so he kindly forgave them both, canceling their debts. Who do you suppose loved him more after that?"
Simon answered, "I suppose the one for whom he canceled the larger debt."
"That's right," Jesus said. Then he turned to the woman and said to Simon, "Look at this woman kneeling here. When I entered you home, you did not offer me water to wash the dust from my feet, but she has washed them with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You didn't give me a kiss of greeting, but she has kissed my feet again and again from the time I first came in. You neglected the courtesy of olive oil to anoint my head, but she has anointed my feet with rare perfume. I tell you, her sins-and they are many-have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love. Then Jesus said to the woman, "Your sins are forgiven."
..."Your faith has saved you; go in peace."
I have heard these words from my Lord. Oh, how sweet it is. I do not even deserve to sit at the masters feet, for my sins are many. I have done things that will always haunt my memory, details that no one needs to hear. But my Lord looked at me and forgave my debt... How I have cried at my Saviors feet and begged him to forgive me. He has! My tears have fallen and my debt has been paid.
"Thank you Lord,
Thank you for forgiving my debt. Thank you for giving me a new life a fresh beginning. Thank you for saving my children from a mother that would have harmed them, had you not stepped in. Thank you for giving me a new life, one that does not show the scares that I placed upon my heart. Thank you for being so kind to me. I can never repay you, for the debt that I have is very large. But, in your undying love you have canceled that debt and it will never rise again for me to owe. I love much, because you first loved me and forgave me. You loved when...you forgave me when I cried to you. My tears come with a price, for they are all I can pay you, for all you have done. It was a debt that I placed upon myself and a debt that only you could forgive. Thank you Father for allowing me to live, even after a life of death."
Friday, June 20, 2008
Service of Passionate Devotion
I never check my email before I write in the morning, but today I did. My brother has never emailed me Chambers writtings before, but this morning he did. In Oswald Chambers "My Utmost for His Highest" June 19, Oswald discusses what it means to serve.
"Lovest thou Me? . . . Feed My sheep." John 21:16
Jesus did not say - Make converts to your way of thinking, but look after My sheep, see that they get nourished in the knowledge of Me. We count as service what we do in the way of Christian work; Jesus Christ calls service what we are to Him, not what we do for Him. Discipleship is based on devotion to Jesus Christ, not on adherence to a belief or a creed. "If any man come to Me and hate not . . . , he cannot be My disciple." There is no argument and no compulsion, but simply - If you would be My disciple, you must be devoted to Me. A man touched by the Spirit of God suddenly says - "Now I see Who Jesus is," and that is the source of devotion.
To-day we have substituted credal belief for personal belief, and that is why so many are devoted to causes and so few devoted to Jesus Christ. People do not want to be devoted to Jesus, but only to the cause He started. Jesus Christ is a source of deep offence to the educated mind of to-day that does not want Him in any other way than as a Comrade. Our Lord's first obedience was to the will of His Father, not to the needs of men; the saving of men was the natural outcome of His obedience to the Father. If I am devoted to the cause of humanity only, I will soon be exhausted and come to the place where my love will falter; but if I love Jesus Christ personally and passionately, I can serve humanity though men treat me as a door-mat. The secret of a disciple's life is devotion to Jesus Christ, and the characteristic of the life is its unobtrusiveness. It is like a corn of wheat, which falls into the ground and dies, but presently it will spring up and alter the whole landscape (John 12:24).
Jesus did not say - Make converts to your way of thinking, but look after My sheep, see that they get nourished in the knowledge of Me. We count as service what we do in the way of Christian work; Jesus Christ calls service what we are to Him, not what we do for Him. Discipleship is based on devotion to Jesus Christ, not on adherence to a belief or a creed. "If any man come to Me and hate not . . . , he cannot be My disciple." There is no argument and no compulsion, but simply - If you would be My disciple, you must be devoted to Me. A man touched by the Spirit of God suddenly says - "Now I see Who Jesus is," and that is the source of devotion.
To-day we have substituted credal belief for personal belief, and that is why so many are devoted to causes and so few devoted to Jesus Christ. People do not want to be devoted to Jesus, but only to the cause He started. Jesus Christ is a source of deep offence to the educated mind of to-day that does not want Him in any other way than as a Comrade. Our Lord's first obedience was to the will of His Father, not to the needs of men; the saving of men was the natural outcome of His obedience to the Father. If I am devoted to the cause of humanity only, I will soon be exhausted and come to the place where my love will falter; but if I love Jesus Christ personally and passionately, I can serve humanity though men treat me as a door-mat. The secret of a disciple's life is devotion to Jesus Christ, and the characteristic of the life is its unobtrusiveness. It is like a corn of wheat, which falls into the ground and dies, but presently it will spring up and alter the whole landscape (John 12:24).
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This is so true even, especially today. Instead of getting better and more like Christ we are getting more educated and further away from what He started and represents. I do not want to convert people to my "religious" choice. I want to help people become closer to their Lord and for them to allow him to work in their lives. I choose to live my life serving my Father, not for what I can get out of it, but because He loved me so much, even though...
I never dreamed of what was to happen in my life when I finally decided to allow Christ to guide my steps. I did not change in order to receive anything. All that I wanted to do was learn how to follow my Lord. What has happened to me since then has been the results of this decision. Every thing we do has an effect, good or bad. Before, I was not looking completely at what God wanted for me in His service. Now things are better, because my Lord is directing my steps. I will go out full force. There will be times when I do things wrong, but even in the wrong that I do God and His ways are my desire. He will make right even when I miss Him, His voice is my focus. It does not matter where you decide to worship. What matters is that you are seeking God in your life.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Best gift You can give
I have had the privilege of being able to witness many different funerals. I have been to funerals, of both family, friends, and others in which I did not know the deceased personally. In all of these times I have come away with many different emotions.
Two of the most precious times of my life were when we buried my mothers parents. We were all so thankful that they were Christ followers. We had a true celebration in the fact that they were finally home. It is nice to get together and share memories of our loved ones, but to truly have a party in sending them home. That is something special. We buried my grandparents in San Antonio at the Arlington Cemetery. We had the best time, it was a celebration of a life well spent. We rejoiced that they were finally where they had always desired to be. Someone at the hotel where we stayed, asked us why we were there. They just could not believe that we were there to bury our beloved grandparent. We were truly rejoicing.
I have been to the funeral of my dad's parents as well. This was different. They said they believed in Jesus, but nothing in their life showed this. This burial was very different from the rejoicing of my other grandparents. We grasped to the knowledge that our God is a gracious God and he wishes to forgive us. He wants to spend eternity with all of us and he wishes that none be lost. As we left this funeral there was no sign of true rejoicing, because no one knew that they had truly gone to heaven. There was a since of unrest and a meddlesome awkwardness that would not let us be truly joyful. We were not confident of their final destination so we were not at peace. There fruit was not the fruit that Jesus discusses we must have. We enjoyed remembering them, but this was not a joyful funeral, all because of the life they chose to live.
Next is the passing of someone that professed not to believe in Christ. This is the most difficult of passing because of the finality of the whole thing. We know that the person did not believe in Jesus Christ so we know they chose a different eternity, one of everlasting pain.
The most precious gift that we can give our loved ones is the gift of knowing Christ. Death is not the end but the beginning. I am so thankful that two of my grandparents chose to bless us with their passing into Christ's hands. I pray that my other grandparents are there as well. how much better it is to leave those you love with the assurance that you are saved. How hard it is on us when we can only pray they were accepted like the thief on the cross. How horrible it is to know the one who died chose not to believe. If for no other reason, belive in Jesus our Lord, let your loved ones live on in this life, with the comfort of knowing where you have decided to spend your eternity. Give your loved ones the best gift you will ever be able to give them, give them the knowledge you are saved, give them rest.
Two of the most precious times of my life were when we buried my mothers parents. We were all so thankful that they were Christ followers. We had a true celebration in the fact that they were finally home. It is nice to get together and share memories of our loved ones, but to truly have a party in sending them home. That is something special. We buried my grandparents in San Antonio at the Arlington Cemetery. We had the best time, it was a celebration of a life well spent. We rejoiced that they were finally where they had always desired to be. Someone at the hotel where we stayed, asked us why we were there. They just could not believe that we were there to bury our beloved grandparent. We were truly rejoicing.
I have been to the funeral of my dad's parents as well. This was different. They said they believed in Jesus, but nothing in their life showed this. This burial was very different from the rejoicing of my other grandparents. We grasped to the knowledge that our God is a gracious God and he wishes to forgive us. He wants to spend eternity with all of us and he wishes that none be lost. As we left this funeral there was no sign of true rejoicing, because no one knew that they had truly gone to heaven. There was a since of unrest and a meddlesome awkwardness that would not let us be truly joyful. We were not confident of their final destination so we were not at peace. There fruit was not the fruit that Jesus discusses we must have. We enjoyed remembering them, but this was not a joyful funeral, all because of the life they chose to live.
Next is the passing of someone that professed not to believe in Christ. This is the most difficult of passing because of the finality of the whole thing. We know that the person did not believe in Jesus Christ so we know they chose a different eternity, one of everlasting pain.
The most precious gift that we can give our loved ones is the gift of knowing Christ. Death is not the end but the beginning. I am so thankful that two of my grandparents chose to bless us with their passing into Christ's hands. I pray that my other grandparents are there as well. how much better it is to leave those you love with the assurance that you are saved. How hard it is on us when we can only pray they were accepted like the thief on the cross. How horrible it is to know the one who died chose not to believe. If for no other reason, belive in Jesus our Lord, let your loved ones live on in this life, with the comfort of knowing where you have decided to spend your eternity. Give your loved ones the best gift you will ever be able to give them, give them the knowledge you are saved, give them rest.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
My Husband My Lover
You are my husband, my lover, my friend. I am so thankful for you. Do you know how proud I am of you. I love to tell people that you are my husband. I love that. When you enter the room my whole body lights up. You have fulfilled every desire that I have ever had. I love to be with you. God knew exactly what he was doing when he gave me you. I could not see just how much I needed you. I could not see just how much you would help me to heal. You have fulfilled every dream that I could have ever dreamed. You are the perfect man, my perfect husband, the one that was made just for me. I cannot imagine how my life would be without you. You came to me at just the right time. I am so thankful for you.
I found love in the concordance of my bible. You are in every definition. You are a good lover. I have no fear when you are around. I know that you will protect me. You never think of yourself, you are not selfish. My burden is never too heavy, for you are a strong man ready to carry it for me. Real love takes effort and effort is something that you give every day. God commanded you to love me and he commanded me to respect you. How easy you make my command. My love and respect for you spreads like a fire and I cannot restrain myself. I desire you because of the man that you are. You are not a lazy man. You are not a weak man. You have integrity and a strength that I have never witnessed in anyone else. Love is not just what makes you feel good. Love is enduring and lasts through the hard times. It is easy to love you. Hard times with you are easy. I desire you. I long for you. I wake thinking about you and my days are long when you are not here. You fill that deep desire within me that no other man can fill. You are a strong man. Your stature is large and your demeanor is confident. You have nothing to hide and you always tell the truth.
Thank you for keeping yourself pure. I cannot tell you enough how much this means to me. I am so honored that I am the only one that you have ever been with. I am so unworthy of you. I adore you as a lover that has been given to me by our God. Nothing has ever been so wonderful as our time together. God brought us together and blessed our union. I am so grateful to him for you. Thank you for keeping your eyes and your mind for me. I will give myself to you when ever you desire for I am the one you turn to. I know the importance of this. I know how hard it must be in our world. I am here for you, please keep yourself only turned toward me. How thankful I am that you do not spend your time with other women. How grateful I am that you love only me. My love for you burns and I could never imagine having to share you with anyone else. You are the only one that I desire. I desire you like I have never desired anyone before. Thank you for everything.
Thank you for helping me with the house. Thank you for helping me with dinner. Thank you for being a good father for our boys. Thank you for working so hard during the day, then putting work off at night for your family. Thank you for providing for me the best you can. Thank you for having a good reputation. I love having your name upon me. Thank you for not being lazy. Thank you for staying pure, even now. Thank you for having integrity. Thank you for being so strong. Thank you for loving me as Christ loves his church. Thank you for sacrificing yourself for me every day. Thank you for caring about my feelings. Thank you for holding me when I cry. Thank you for desiring only me. Thank you for doing your job well. Thank you for making love to me every day in the way you live every day. Thank you for making it so easy for me to respect you.
I thank God for you every day. Because of you and your desire to be a good man, my life is easy. I have had such a hard past. Thank you for lifting my burden and making my life so wonderful. I respect every thing about you. I love you like no other. I desire you in my life, in every way possible. Most of all thank you for loving your Lord and for being a Godly man.
Thank you and happy Fathers Day, my lover, my friend.
I found love in the concordance of my bible. You are in every definition. You are a good lover. I have no fear when you are around. I know that you will protect me. You never think of yourself, you are not selfish. My burden is never too heavy, for you are a strong man ready to carry it for me. Real love takes effort and effort is something that you give every day. God commanded you to love me and he commanded me to respect you. How easy you make my command. My love and respect for you spreads like a fire and I cannot restrain myself. I desire you because of the man that you are. You are not a lazy man. You are not a weak man. You have integrity and a strength that I have never witnessed in anyone else. Love is not just what makes you feel good. Love is enduring and lasts through the hard times. It is easy to love you. Hard times with you are easy. I desire you. I long for you. I wake thinking about you and my days are long when you are not here. You fill that deep desire within me that no other man can fill. You are a strong man. Your stature is large and your demeanor is confident. You have nothing to hide and you always tell the truth.
Thank you for keeping yourself pure. I cannot tell you enough how much this means to me. I am so honored that I am the only one that you have ever been with. I am so unworthy of you. I adore you as a lover that has been given to me by our God. Nothing has ever been so wonderful as our time together. God brought us together and blessed our union. I am so grateful to him for you. Thank you for keeping your eyes and your mind for me. I will give myself to you when ever you desire for I am the one you turn to. I know the importance of this. I know how hard it must be in our world. I am here for you, please keep yourself only turned toward me. How thankful I am that you do not spend your time with other women. How grateful I am that you love only me. My love for you burns and I could never imagine having to share you with anyone else. You are the only one that I desire. I desire you like I have never desired anyone before. Thank you for everything.
Thank you for helping me with the house. Thank you for helping me with dinner. Thank you for being a good father for our boys. Thank you for working so hard during the day, then putting work off at night for your family. Thank you for providing for me the best you can. Thank you for having a good reputation. I love having your name upon me. Thank you for not being lazy. Thank you for staying pure, even now. Thank you for having integrity. Thank you for being so strong. Thank you for loving me as Christ loves his church. Thank you for sacrificing yourself for me every day. Thank you for caring about my feelings. Thank you for holding me when I cry. Thank you for desiring only me. Thank you for doing your job well. Thank you for making love to me every day in the way you live every day. Thank you for making it so easy for me to respect you.
I thank God for you every day. Because of you and your desire to be a good man, my life is easy. I have had such a hard past. Thank you for lifting my burden and making my life so wonderful. I respect every thing about you. I love you like no other. I desire you in my life, in every way possible. Most of all thank you for loving your Lord and for being a Godly man.
Thank you and happy Fathers Day, my lover, my friend.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Memories
I really love that I have guests in my house. I get up every morning, very early, to read. My children also have a tendency to get up very early. Usually when this happens, I abandon my seat in the living room and head down stairs. Since there is a family living down stairs, I cannot do this. I was forced to find a new place to have my quiet time. The wonderful blessing of reaching out of my comfort zone is that I landed out side on the front porch. It is beautiful. I love listening to the birds, watching the sprinklers as they come on and watching the same people every day, when they think no one is watching. I know who gets off work very early in the morning and I watch the news paper deliverer as she gets out of her car to take the paper to the front door of the handicapped mans house, next door. I love this time that God has blessed me with.
I like my Bible because it has different inserts about different people, places and things. In Mark there is an insert about Harod. I like this insert. Harod liked John because he told Harod the truth. Even though this truth was bitter, he still liked to hear it. John was probably the only person who ever dared to tell him the truth and he respected this. But, while he respected this he could not afford for the people to not respect their leader, so he had him thrown into prison. God has placed someone in every one's life who will tell them the truth no matter how badly it may taste to the person receiving it. You have a choice; you can listen to the person that is trying to help you with the will of God in your life or you can imprison them so that they cannot talk any longer. It is your choice. Remember, for every decision that you make, there are consequences. Harod would not listen to the messenger so why would he listen to Jesus when Jesus spoke. If you will not listen to your messenger, you run the risk of never listening to God. Jesus would not speak to Harod because he new that it would be fruitless.
I try very hard to share every thing about my life. I share the ugly and the good. If you refuse to listen to someone who has been there and done that; who will you listen to? I will share what has happened to me lately and show you why it is not wise to go against God's commandments.
I have made decision after decision that was wrong; guys that I slept with and drugs that I used. It is not that a bad decision will ruin your whole life but that it will reap a harvest of bad memories. I hate it when I am having a perfectly wonderful time and a memory comes flooding in with no warning or invitation. This is the price that I pay for the decisions that I made while I was young. I shouldn't have to battle this much. I have a good life, but the choices that I made reap a bitter harvest. I shouldn't have to fight the thoughts of doing drugs, getting high just one more time. When I am in bed with my husband, I shouldn't have a memory flooding in my head about a previous sexual encounter. These are the consequences of my life that no one else gets to see, but that I live with every day. How much easier it would be, if I had just made the right decision the first time.
I write to you, so that you can see the consequences of bad decisions. I did not think about the future, I lived in the moment. The moment is long past, but the memories last forever. What are the images that you are placing in your mind? What are you choosing to battle for the rest of your life? There are many choices that you can make. Many choices will never see a result of any kind, except the memory that you will have. God not only wants to protect you from physical consequences, but memories as well. Make your memories special and sweet; not bitter and sour.
I like my Bible because it has different inserts about different people, places and things. In Mark there is an insert about Harod. I like this insert. Harod liked John because he told Harod the truth. Even though this truth was bitter, he still liked to hear it. John was probably the only person who ever dared to tell him the truth and he respected this. But, while he respected this he could not afford for the people to not respect their leader, so he had him thrown into prison. God has placed someone in every one's life who will tell them the truth no matter how badly it may taste to the person receiving it. You have a choice; you can listen to the person that is trying to help you with the will of God in your life or you can imprison them so that they cannot talk any longer. It is your choice. Remember, for every decision that you make, there are consequences. Harod would not listen to the messenger so why would he listen to Jesus when Jesus spoke. If you will not listen to your messenger, you run the risk of never listening to God. Jesus would not speak to Harod because he new that it would be fruitless.
I try very hard to share every thing about my life. I share the ugly and the good. If you refuse to listen to someone who has been there and done that; who will you listen to? I will share what has happened to me lately and show you why it is not wise to go against God's commandments.
I have made decision after decision that was wrong; guys that I slept with and drugs that I used. It is not that a bad decision will ruin your whole life but that it will reap a harvest of bad memories. I hate it when I am having a perfectly wonderful time and a memory comes flooding in with no warning or invitation. This is the price that I pay for the decisions that I made while I was young. I shouldn't have to battle this much. I have a good life, but the choices that I made reap a bitter harvest. I shouldn't have to fight the thoughts of doing drugs, getting high just one more time. When I am in bed with my husband, I shouldn't have a memory flooding in my head about a previous sexual encounter. These are the consequences of my life that no one else gets to see, but that I live with every day. How much easier it would be, if I had just made the right decision the first time.
I write to you, so that you can see the consequences of bad decisions. I did not think about the future, I lived in the moment. The moment is long past, but the memories last forever. What are the images that you are placing in your mind? What are you choosing to battle for the rest of your life? There are many choices that you can make. Many choices will never see a result of any kind, except the memory that you will have. God not only wants to protect you from physical consequences, but memories as well. Make your memories special and sweet; not bitter and sour.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Fertile Soil
I was reading this morning from Mark 4; in this Jesus is talking about the different seeds that fall on different kinds of soil. Some seeds fell on the ground and birds immediately came and ate the seed. Other seed fell on rocky soil. The plant sprang up quickly then soon died, because the roots had no nourishment. Other seed fell among thorns that choked out the tender blades. Then at the end there are the seeds that fall on fertile ground. They produce a crop that is bountiful and full of grain. There are different times in my life that represent all of these different plantings.
First, there is the seed that fell and the birds came and quickly ate up the seeds. I was raised in the church, but I never really listened to the word. I was not ready to hear. I was young and wanted to do things "my way." I heard, but I did not listen and apply what I heard to my life.
Next, is the seed that fell on rocky soil. I graduated high school from a private Christian school. After graduation I attended a mission program, where I studied the bible for one year in order to do mission work. Some things happened during this time and I did not go to the mission field. After this I attended ACU, a Christian University. During all of these years, I was hearing the word. I wanted to live for God and his design for my life, but His words were not really sinking into my heart. So I would hear and try for a little while, but soon I was back doing things "my way."
The seed that fell among the thorns represents the next stage of my life. During my first marriage, I wanted desperately to have a Christian home, be a good wife and raise a good family. I tried for some time to do this. The pressure that my ex-husband put upon me represents the thorns that chocked the tender blades. I was more willing to do as he desired, rather than what God wanted from me. I was in survival mode. If you try to live in survival mode, you will eventually be smothered out.
The seed that fell on fertile ground represents my life after I had tried things "my way." When I was finally willing to listen to God and do what he wanted me to, my life changed. It was hard work. Growing is not an easy thing to do, which is why it is called "growing pains." I had to take each and every day and try to the best of my ability to change the soil that I was growing in. God was amazing during this time. There is no way that I could have done this on my own. He was the fertilizer and the farmer. He change the soil, that I had grown accustom to, to fertile soil. The weeds were up rooted and the young hurting plant was protected. I had to see the people who were there trying to help me. If you are in a field of weeds, you cannot see the other plants trying to yield a good harvest. He surrounded me with me with good plants; I had to open my eyes and heart to these good people in order to survive.
God has always been in my life. He has never changed. I was the one; I was the one that had to be receptive. I was one in charge of my life and my destination. God was steady and willing to help. He is my life. He gives me life. Since I finally gave my life over to God; things in my life have turned out better than I could ever have imagined. Even if bad things happen to me, even if weeds start to surround me once again, I will never be that tender shoot unable to live. Life is in me because God is the one that gives me life. I am not the one that has to survive, he will protect me. He is my gardener and as long as I look at Him, instead of my surroundings, I will thrive.
First, there is the seed that fell and the birds came and quickly ate up the seeds. I was raised in the church, but I never really listened to the word. I was not ready to hear. I was young and wanted to do things "my way." I heard, but I did not listen and apply what I heard to my life.
Next, is the seed that fell on rocky soil. I graduated high school from a private Christian school. After graduation I attended a mission program, where I studied the bible for one year in order to do mission work. Some things happened during this time and I did not go to the mission field. After this I attended ACU, a Christian University. During all of these years, I was hearing the word. I wanted to live for God and his design for my life, but His words were not really sinking into my heart. So I would hear and try for a little while, but soon I was back doing things "my way."
The seed that fell among the thorns represents the next stage of my life. During my first marriage, I wanted desperately to have a Christian home, be a good wife and raise a good family. I tried for some time to do this. The pressure that my ex-husband put upon me represents the thorns that chocked the tender blades. I was more willing to do as he desired, rather than what God wanted from me. I was in survival mode. If you try to live in survival mode, you will eventually be smothered out.
The seed that fell on fertile ground represents my life after I had tried things "my way." When I was finally willing to listen to God and do what he wanted me to, my life changed. It was hard work. Growing is not an easy thing to do, which is why it is called "growing pains." I had to take each and every day and try to the best of my ability to change the soil that I was growing in. God was amazing during this time. There is no way that I could have done this on my own. He was the fertilizer and the farmer. He change the soil, that I had grown accustom to, to fertile soil. The weeds were up rooted and the young hurting plant was protected. I had to see the people who were there trying to help me. If you are in a field of weeds, you cannot see the other plants trying to yield a good harvest. He surrounded me with me with good plants; I had to open my eyes and heart to these good people in order to survive.
God has always been in my life. He has never changed. I was the one; I was the one that had to be receptive. I was one in charge of my life and my destination. God was steady and willing to help. He is my life. He gives me life. Since I finally gave my life over to God; things in my life have turned out better than I could ever have imagined. Even if bad things happen to me, even if weeds start to surround me once again, I will never be that tender shoot unable to live. Life is in me because God is the one that gives me life. I am not the one that has to survive, he will protect me. He is my gardener and as long as I look at Him, instead of my surroundings, I will thrive.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
What is your Price?
To my sweet friend,
There have been so many times in my life that I have suffered because of decisions that I walked into, knowing I would pay the price later. I thought that it would be worth it in the end and the consequences were not really all that bad. How young and foolish, I was. I was a stupid young girl. It was Eve that was deceived by Satan. He came and enticed her because he knew she was vulnerable. He comes at the perfect opportunity when he knows you are wallowing in selfishness, when he knows you cannot resist because of the solitude you put yourself into. We grasp and search for the love that only one can fulfill. I jumped into relationship after relationship because I did not really believe in God and his power to work my life for my best. I did not love me and so how could I possibly love anyone. I searched and fell for every lie that this world offers. I thought that if I could just have fun; the hurt would not hurt so badly. I just knew that if I surrounded myself with anything, it did not matter who or what it was, as long as I was sure to be filled for the moment. I thought that if I did this, I would be able to survive for just one more day. Trust me, that is all that it got me, one more day; one more day of misery, one more day to look at myself in disgust with self hatred.
How many times did I get into bed with some guy just to satisfy a feeling of emptiness? How many times did I leave that bed and feel even emptier? You cannot fill a void with a man to hold just one night. How many women prostitute themselves; for just one night of deception? That night is not worth it! The fruit that you will harvest will never taste sweet. It will leave you bitter, sour, broken and crushed. You are the one in control of your life. You can choose life or death, but you cannot have both.
I was in such a hurry to get on with my life. I wanted so desperately to get swept away and rescued that I left with the first guy that would run away with me. I ended up more hurt than I could ever have imagined. Do you see this? Your whole life is right in front of you. You are smart, beautiful and fun. Why would you sell yourself to a man who does not love himself and could never love you because of this? In order to save your life, you must love yourself more than that... I never wanted to be a prostitute. I did not take money for sex, but I gave away sex for someone to hold me. The price is too high. The cost is not worth the result. The payment that you receive is never worth the price that you originally paid. He can never satisfy that lonely feeling you are so desperately running from. You must take control of your life. You must learn to let God take care of you. You must learn that you are so worth the wait. Do you see this? Do you see how valuable you are? Every time you choose the world; you are choosing to pay a price you were never meant to pay. Do not sell yourself to someone who does not love you and can never fill you. You are more valuable than rubies. Save your treasures for someone who will cherish you. Do not sell yourself for a price that is never enough.
There have been so many times in my life that I have suffered because of decisions that I walked into, knowing I would pay the price later. I thought that it would be worth it in the end and the consequences were not really all that bad. How young and foolish, I was. I was a stupid young girl. It was Eve that was deceived by Satan. He came and enticed her because he knew she was vulnerable. He comes at the perfect opportunity when he knows you are wallowing in selfishness, when he knows you cannot resist because of the solitude you put yourself into. We grasp and search for the love that only one can fulfill. I jumped into relationship after relationship because I did not really believe in God and his power to work my life for my best. I did not love me and so how could I possibly love anyone. I searched and fell for every lie that this world offers. I thought that if I could just have fun; the hurt would not hurt so badly. I just knew that if I surrounded myself with anything, it did not matter who or what it was, as long as I was sure to be filled for the moment. I thought that if I did this, I would be able to survive for just one more day. Trust me, that is all that it got me, one more day; one more day of misery, one more day to look at myself in disgust with self hatred.
How many times did I get into bed with some guy just to satisfy a feeling of emptiness? How many times did I leave that bed and feel even emptier? You cannot fill a void with a man to hold just one night. How many women prostitute themselves; for just one night of deception? That night is not worth it! The fruit that you will harvest will never taste sweet. It will leave you bitter, sour, broken and crushed. You are the one in control of your life. You can choose life or death, but you cannot have both.
I was in such a hurry to get on with my life. I wanted so desperately to get swept away and rescued that I left with the first guy that would run away with me. I ended up more hurt than I could ever have imagined. Do you see this? Your whole life is right in front of you. You are smart, beautiful and fun. Why would you sell yourself to a man who does not love himself and could never love you because of this? In order to save your life, you must love yourself more than that... I never wanted to be a prostitute. I did not take money for sex, but I gave away sex for someone to hold me. The price is too high. The cost is not worth the result. The payment that you receive is never worth the price that you originally paid. He can never satisfy that lonely feeling you are so desperately running from. You must take control of your life. You must learn to let God take care of you. You must learn that you are so worth the wait. Do you see this? Do you see how valuable you are? Every time you choose the world; you are choosing to pay a price you were never meant to pay. Do not sell yourself to someone who does not love you and can never fill you. You are more valuable than rubies. Save your treasures for someone who will cherish you. Do not sell yourself for a price that is never enough.
Monday, June 9, 2008
My name was Hayden
I was reading this morning from Matthew 25, Jesus was telling the parables of the ten bridesmaids, the loaned money, and the final judgment. How I can relate all of these to both my present life and my past. We are to be ready for his coming; we cannot be dependant on someone else. What matters is how we are living and how we are using the talkets that God has already given us. Are we helping others around us? When we see a need; are we doing what we can to help, or are we expecting someone else to take care of it? Do we live every day as if, we really expect Jesus to come tomorrow? There was a time in my life that I did not live, at all, like I thought Jesus was coming any time soon. I was in survival mode, just making through one day was a miracle.
My name was Hayden. I worked in the club and everybody new me as Hayden. I would relate myself to Hayden Fox on the show Coach, so that the men could innocently be watching the TV and thinking about me. I wanted to haunt every existence of their life. I wanted them to come back to me, I had them trapped. I would act like I was having the best time and yes, some of it was fun, but in secret I would call myself Hayden from Hades. Hades is the Greek word for the underworld, the realm of the dead or the grave. Inside I was dead, there was no life in my life, I was just existing, wasting air.
I have talents that God has blessed me with, everyone does. One of my talents is talking to people. I can talk to someone and instantly feel like I have known them my whole life. I wasted this talent in the club. I used it, but not for the right reasons. I used it for evil. I was a useless servant who refused to use my gifts and bring life. I was to be thrown out into the darkness, where there would be weeping and gnashing of teeth.
How sad it would have been to live this life in Hades, then to spend all of eternity there as well. How awful! How sad it is to chose to live that way. Yes, I had a choice, everyone does. You can either chose to live a selfish life, spending your days in misery. Or you can choose to use every opportunity to help others and in turn help yourself. People that are the most miserable are those who only do for themselves. If you have no other purpose in life, but to make yourself happy, you will be miserable. How sad it is for people to choose misery over a life of true freedom. I am free! I am no longer a slave to death, but I have a new life and a new name. I thank my Lord for my new name.
My name was Hayden. I worked in the club and everybody new me as Hayden. I would relate myself to Hayden Fox on the show Coach, so that the men could innocently be watching the TV and thinking about me. I wanted to haunt every existence of their life. I wanted them to come back to me, I had them trapped. I would act like I was having the best time and yes, some of it was fun, but in secret I would call myself Hayden from Hades. Hades is the Greek word for the underworld, the realm of the dead or the grave. Inside I was dead, there was no life in my life, I was just existing, wasting air.
I have talents that God has blessed me with, everyone does. One of my talents is talking to people. I can talk to someone and instantly feel like I have known them my whole life. I wasted this talent in the club. I used it, but not for the right reasons. I used it for evil. I was a useless servant who refused to use my gifts and bring life. I was to be thrown out into the darkness, where there would be weeping and gnashing of teeth.
How sad it would have been to live this life in Hades, then to spend all of eternity there as well. How awful! How sad it is to chose to live that way. Yes, I had a choice, everyone does. You can either chose to live a selfish life, spending your days in misery. Or you can choose to use every opportunity to help others and in turn help yourself. People that are the most miserable are those who only do for themselves. If you have no other purpose in life, but to make yourself happy, you will be miserable. How sad it is for people to choose misery over a life of true freedom. I am free! I am no longer a slave to death, but I have a new life and a new name. I thank my Lord for my new name.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Living in a Glass House
My home is full and we are so blessed. Our friends, a family of six, have come to live with us for the summer. The youngest child is four months and the oldest will turn seven, later this summer. The comments we receive about taking another family in are interesting. People look at us like we are crazy and feel we are making a mistake. We feel the opposite. Our house is full of friends, that makes our family large.
I love to sit and visit with another young mother, who is trying her best to be the woman that God desires her to be. It is nice to share your life with others, so that you can grow and learn with them. It is good to have other children around for my boys to share and play with. It is good for my husband to have another good man around to strengthen his walk. God has blessed us more than either of us could ever have imagined and what a blessing to share our home with our friends.
I think, too often we get too possessive of our possessions and our space. I know how, to many having others live in your home would be a challenge. You have to live so that there is nothing uncomfortable about what you share with others. You have to be willing to be truly transparent and not worry about how you are living your life. We have no curtains on our living room windows and we have chosen to live this way because we do not what to hide anything. I think that many times the curtains we hang give us a sense of privacy that allows us to act in ways that are contrary to how we want others to see us. Think about it, do you treat your spouse or children the same in public, as you do in the privacy of your own home? When you pull the curtains so that no one can see in, are you really alone? Is there no one watching? How easily we can deceive ourselves into thinking that just because we cannot see someone looking into our windows, no one is watching.
We are being watched all of the time. We are watched by our children. We are watched by our spouses. When we are truly alone and no one is in the house with us, we are being watched by our Father. This is very good to remember when we are watching a movie and when we are spending time on the computer, even our thoughts are being listened to. It is very good to have others come and share their life with you for a time, this is when you can evaluate what you are doing and how you are living, behind closed doors.
But, yes when people are staying in your house you have to give up some luxuries. My luxury is writing in the morning and when the children are asleep. What an easy thing to place on hold, for the opportunity to live with others.
I love to sit and visit with another young mother, who is trying her best to be the woman that God desires her to be. It is nice to share your life with others, so that you can grow and learn with them. It is good to have other children around for my boys to share and play with. It is good for my husband to have another good man around to strengthen his walk. God has blessed us more than either of us could ever have imagined and what a blessing to share our home with our friends.
I think, too often we get too possessive of our possessions and our space. I know how, to many having others live in your home would be a challenge. You have to live so that there is nothing uncomfortable about what you share with others. You have to be willing to be truly transparent and not worry about how you are living your life. We have no curtains on our living room windows and we have chosen to live this way because we do not what to hide anything. I think that many times the curtains we hang give us a sense of privacy that allows us to act in ways that are contrary to how we want others to see us. Think about it, do you treat your spouse or children the same in public, as you do in the privacy of your own home? When you pull the curtains so that no one can see in, are you really alone? Is there no one watching? How easily we can deceive ourselves into thinking that just because we cannot see someone looking into our windows, no one is watching.
We are being watched all of the time. We are watched by our children. We are watched by our spouses. When we are truly alone and no one is in the house with us, we are being watched by our Father. This is very good to remember when we are watching a movie and when we are spending time on the computer, even our thoughts are being listened to. It is very good to have others come and share their life with you for a time, this is when you can evaluate what you are doing and how you are living, behind closed doors.
But, yes when people are staying in your house you have to give up some luxuries. My luxury is writing in the morning and when the children are asleep. What an easy thing to place on hold, for the opportunity to live with others.
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