My parents, my brother, and my niece and nephew arrived in town this weekend. Yesterday, I spent the day with them. I am so glad that they are here. I miss my family very much and I always have high expectations when I see them. I think that these expectations are part of the problem. The expectations that I place on the situation of family getting together and the ones that I place upon myself. I want so desperately for my family to see me, and see me for who I am now, I also desperately want them to value my opinion. It is funny how expectations can ruin a day instead of letting you delight in it.
Yesterday was a good day, but the expectations that I placed on the day sent me in tears, after I returned home. I keep hoping that my brother will value my opinion and think that I have something wise to say. So I in return, set myself up for failure. For one example: A friend called me and asked me for help in a spiritual battle that she and her husband are having. I prayed with her and offered her my thoughts on the situation. After the phone call was over, I felt good about what all was said. Until, my brother asked me what was going on. Without relaying all of the discussion, I said, "I told her not to worry. Enjoy the night, stand proudly on her husbands arm, and to give him some good loving after the night was over." Then without hesitation my brother piped in, "Yes, because sex fixes everything right." Stab.
Normally, if anyone else had made that statement, it would not have bothered me. But my expectations set me up for failure. I know how my brother used to see me. I am not sure how he sees me now and because of this insecurity, I am extra sensitive to his comments. My expectations on the whole experience are setting me up for failure. We have changed churches and so this morning I once again have expectations. I can go into the situation knowing that my family will not agree or like the whole thing. Or I can go in hoping that everything will be perfect. The first is the practical expectation. I know what to expect so why would I set myself up to get hurt. I do it all of the time.
I have to accept something. No matter how much I change, no matter what my family sees in me; I am afraid that I will always see myself as weak and inferior in their eyes. If my brother makes a comment, I will take it personally. Even though he probably does not even see me like that anymore. I see myself like that, through his eyes. I will never be able to fix my parents marriage. Even though as an adult, I am still trying to fix my parents relationship. I have to remember who I am and what my job is. I have to constantly remind myself how much I have changed. I have to listen to my husband, the one who really knows me, and not revert back just because my family is around. Because when they come around, I have to look my past in the face all over again. I have to remember that they have lives apart from me, as well. I do not know everything about them either. I cannot let my insecurities ruin my family time. They are not going to agree with everything that I am doing. I will not agree with everything that they are doing. There is really only one thing that matters; we all love our Lord and nothing else is really all that important.
"Thank you Father for my family. Help me to stay peaceful during this time. Do not let me fail you just because of my own expectations. Help me to remember what is really important. Help me to have peace during this time so that I can enjoy the wonderful family that you have given me. Thank you Lord for my life, for my family and most of all for your grace."
Ephesians 4:1-8
"...live a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God. Be humble and gentile. Be patient with each other, making allowances for each other's faults because of your love. Always keep yourselves united in the Holy Spirit, and build yourselves together with peace. We are all one body, we have the same Spirit, and we have all been called to the same glorious future. There is only one Lord, one faith, one baptism, and there is only one God and Father, who is over us all and living through us all..."
1 comment:
I know exactly what you mean. My family is in town too. No matter how much I try, it seems like they still just see me as I was and not how I am now. I think it just takes time. Or maybe we are just trying to hard to show them.
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