Letting Go

It is amazing how you can feel like you are going along pretty good, then out of no where you are exposed. I have truly come a long way in my journey with God, but I still have so far to go. Yes, my brother helped me to see this when I was with him. It was my husband, me, my brother and his wife sitting in their living room talking about our love walk with Jesus. My brother was discussing the fact that our family has issues with rage. We have a family curse that has been passed on for four generations. We have bragging rights on this one. We are very tolerant for a time, then we burst. My brother was in one fight in high school, after watching him loose all self control and almost killing the kid, no one messed with him after that. I was in one fight as well. No one messed with me after that one either. My brother helped me to see that I was still holding on to that rage, out of self protection.

I really thought that I had been pretty good about my hate for men. I really do feel pretty good about most of them. I understand their struggles and I have compassion for them in this. But there are just a couple of men that I have held great contempt for. I pour all of my rage; all of my anger onto them. Honestly, they have never done anything to me. I just hear them speak one way in front of certain people and claim to be Christians, but their daily openness about their sin is astonishing to me. I hate going into their place of business; I cannot stand to associate with them. My contempt for them was pointed out to me and my willingness to hold on to that rage was also pointed out. I was protecting myself. I knew that I could thrash them in an instant. I could tear every part of them down, if I felt they crossed the line. I was holding on to that family curse, because it gave me a false sense of security. I never unleashed my furry on them, but I knew I could.

Exodus 20: 5-6, "I do not leave unpunished the sins of those who hate me, but I punish the children for the sins of their parents to the third and fourth generations. But I lavish my love on those who love me and obey my commands, even for a thousand generations."

The people who knew my great-grandfather felt sorry for his children. His anger was so out of control that people in his generation were afraid for his children. My grand father, who was a very small man, talked about knocking a very large man out of his shoes and across the hood of his car, with one punch; after the man had stolen from his store. My father used to get upset and start punching, throwing and kicking what ever he was working on. Now let me remind you that these stories are just a glimpse of the curse that my family has held on to. My brothers and I are much better and our rage is not nearly as severe as the ones who went before us, but you see we are the fourth generation. It stops with us, it has to.

When you read Exodus 20:5 in Hebrew, the translation sounds a little different. It does not say that the children will be punished for the sins of their fathers, but that they will suffer the consequences of their father's sins for three to four generations. Rage in our family has gotten much better over the generations. With each generation the children did not suffer under that curse like the children before them did. God has mercy on the children. He has helped our family in falling more and more in love with Him through each generation. In return, each new generation has grown closer to Him and this curse is coming to a close. I had to see that I was holding on to my rage. It had to be brought to my attention, so that I could finally let it go. I do not want to feel those feelings any longer. I do not want to hold on to that anger. I want to allow God to fight the fight for me. I do not need to defend myself and let one encounter ruin my day or worse my relationship with my Lord.

James4:7-12, "So humble yourselves before God. Resist the Devil, and he will flee from you. Draw close to God, and God will draw close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, you hypocrites. Let there be tears for the wrong things you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy. When you bow down before the Lord and admit your dependence on Him, He will lift you up and give you honor.
Don't speak evil against each other. If you criticize each other and condemn each other, then you are criticizing and condemning God's law. But you are not a judge who can decide whether the law is right or wrong. Your job is to obey it. God alone, who made the law, can rightly judge among us. He alone has the power to save or to destroy. So what right do you have to condemn your neighbor?"

I have no right to hate anyone. I can hate the sin because of how it destroys lives, but I cannot hate the person. My job is to love. The command He has given me, is to love. I will not; I cannot hold onto this rage any longer. It is a scary feeling, not to have a fighting side, but I have to let Him take control of every part of my life. I do not want to rage. I do not want to feel out of control, lost in my anger. My desire, my true desire is for Him to take care of me in every part of my life. I want the door to close on this curse. I do not want my children to feel one ounce of it in their lives. I needed to see my sin in holding on to that rage. I needed it pointed out, so that I could acknowledge it and turn it over to God. This walk with God is just that, a journey with Him and He will help you, if you will let Him. I want His help. I want Him to lead me and where ever He wants me to go, I will follow. I will still make mistakes and I will stumble, but when it is brought to my attention I truly want Him to take control.