I want to talk about several things that I mentioned in my last blog. Opposite sex bashing, we have to stop this, and false intimacy. These two things have been heavy on my heart and mind. These are two of the most important things that we need to change in our lives.
First is bashing the opposite sex. Girls, if you go around bashing men, how are you going to enjoy anything about them? Men are not dumb dogs that need to kicked around every day. Men and women are completely different. I am so thankful for this. I used to hate it, but now I enjoy it. Guys, women are not stupid and irrational. We both offer different qualities that the other is lacking. You have to stop looking so critically at each other. God made us both and he made us in his image. If you take one of us away from the union, you are experiencing only part of God. But when you see us both working together, you can see the fullness of God. Yes, everyone is flawed, everyone makes mistakes; do you want your spouse to judge you with the same harshness that you judge them?
You have to filter what you put in your mind. Filter first what goes in, and then what comes out will not be so hard to control. It is not okay to sit around and talk about how stupid your husband is. I had to learn something: I had to learn that when I bashed other men, my husband, who I was not bashing, took it personal. Even though I was looking at the "idiotic, perverted, disgusting" things of other men my husband was getting hit, as a man. Just throwing blanket statements in the air is not okay. Watching shows on television that bring our men down, is not okay. We say we want strong men and where did they all go; just look at what society is saying to men. "You are worthless. All that you think about is beer and sex. How stupid you are. Can you do anything right?" The last things that I want my little boys growing up thinking are, "I was born the wrong sex, I cannot please a girl, so why try." Oh my goodness that would be a horrible feeling. Do you want your little girls to settle, because "men are stupid" anyway. I chose to ignore the fact that my ex was into porn, because "he was just a guy and all guys are into porn." This is not true! It is a lie that our society has told us since we were young. Men are not bad. They are not the enemy. Women are not stupid, emotional wrecks. We have passion. Embrace the passion. When we come together we have logic, emotion, go getters, home sustainers, mighty conquers, soft touches, strong embracers, and soft pillows. Together, we are closer to the image of our Father. Apart from each other we are further apart from the full image of our Lord. Embrace the differences, and learn from each other
I also want to explain False Intimacy. Harry Schaumburg explains it better and in more depth in his book, but I will give it my shot. One of the reasons men go to clubs and women turn to movies and romance novels is because they want to be intimate without the fear of rejection. Men would come into the club and I would make them feel like they were the "studs". They liked the illusion that I would paint for them. It is amazing to me the things they would believe, the lies that I told them and then they would go out feeling very fulfilled. It was a lie. I would tell them exactly what I thought they wanted to hear, and they would believe it. How stupid, was always my response. Women do the exact same thing. There is a hero in every movie and in every book. The reason you love it is because it is not real. No wife can compete with the girl imagined and no husband can compete with the perfect man. There is no perfect person. This is life! Only one can satisfy with perfection and that is Christ. The fantasy is not better, you are always left feeling "lied" to, because you are. A husband will never be satisfied by his wife, if he is living in fantasy. A wife will always be disappointed in her husband if she thinks he should be a hero every day. It may seem better to escape into fantasy, but life always comes back around. If you try to escape, you will be hit even harder in the long run.
The answer that you are looking for is God. Try and be the best wife you can be. Serve and respect your husband. If you do not respect the man, then respect his position. Be the best husband that you can be. Love your wife as Christ loved the church. He gave His life for you. He served his followers; He served them without waiting for them to serve Him. If we would put God and His ways back into our marriages, everyone would be left feeling satisfied.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Viagra
There was a time in my past that I was so hurt; I became mean, bitter, just down right rude. I was so disgusted by men. I would be nice to their face, but all the while thinking how pathetic they were. I respected very few of them, if that. They were weak.
Right after I got married, for the second time, I got pregnant. I begged God to give me a little girl. I hated men, so how could I raise one. Well, in his mighty knowledge, he gave me a little boy. I guess Eric, my first born, was about 4 to 6 months old. My husband and I were driving and I was bashing men, as usual. My husband turned to me, pointed in the back seat and said, "What you say about men, he will turn out to be. You are raising a man." This hit home. God answered my prayers. I needed a man child to soften my bitter and broken heart. My goals have changed. Instead of tearing every man down, I want to build them up. I want to help marriages. I want my house to be open for anyone, including men. (When the opposite sex is in our house, both of us are here. I don't go that far, we do have house rules to keep us in check.)
In Matthew 5:22-32, it talks about adultery and divorce. "But I say, if anyone who even looks at a woman with lust in his eye has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Men are visual. A man can look at a woman and get all the fix that he needs. In the club that I worked in, we would be on stage for two songs. Then we would rotate stages. The first song we would dance with our clothes still on. I could never understand why I would make just as many tips during that song as I did the second, when the clothes would come off. The imagination is a very strong thing. Don't get me wrong, women are just as guilty about porn. Most women just get their fix with romance novels. The imagination goes wild when it is left unchecked. That is why many times people think that something, anything other than what they already have is going to be great, but after they get it they are left disappointed. Reality is never as good as your imagination. I feel sorry for women and men who are battling against their spouses addiction to pornography. The spouse will always loose. No one can compete with what is imagined. Viagra would loose its business if men would get out of porn. Yes, some men need it because of medical conditions. Give me a break, not that many men are impotent. I never had any difficulty getting any reaction when I was in the club, not one time. (Okay, that was harsh) People fall in love with something that is not real. Your spouse is enough. If a wife is not "doing it" for her husband, if he doesn't get excited just by being near her; look at what he is focusing on. If people would just stop fixating on the illusions that someone else is better, many marriages would be saved.
In Matthew 5:32 it talks about unfaithfulness and that is an "excuse" to get a divorce. In my commentary it says, "This does not mean that divorce should automatically occur when a spouse commits adultery. The word translated "unfaithful" implies a sexually immoral life-style, not a confessed and repented act of adultery. Those who discover that their partner has been unfaithful should first make every effort to forgive, reconcile, and restore their relationship. We are always to look for reasons to restore the marriage relationship rather than for excuses to leave it." Matthew 6:14-15, "If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins." Commentary, "When we don't forgive others, we are denying our common ground as sinners." Matthew 7:1-5, talks about helping to get the speck in someone's eye when their is a log in yours. Commentary, "The traits that bother us in others are often the habits we have ourselves."
Before you bash someone for living a certain way, before you condemn a man for falling into temptation, look at what you are doing behind closed doors. What kind of fantasies are you living in. Pornography, strip clubs, prostitution, and yes romance novels are never the answer for a good life. (Don't forget those girls who work in that lifestyle, they are not the enemy. They are hurt because of this lie, probably more than anyone. My heart cries for all of them.) That life is only an illusion that will destroy everyone involved. The only answer to a good life is a softened heart, living in forgiveness for ourselves and others, looking to Christ for our pleasure instead of worldly things, and living to the best of our ability as Christ wants us to live.
Right after I got married, for the second time, I got pregnant. I begged God to give me a little girl. I hated men, so how could I raise one. Well, in his mighty knowledge, he gave me a little boy. I guess Eric, my first born, was about 4 to 6 months old. My husband and I were driving and I was bashing men, as usual. My husband turned to me, pointed in the back seat and said, "What you say about men, he will turn out to be. You are raising a man." This hit home. God answered my prayers. I needed a man child to soften my bitter and broken heart. My goals have changed. Instead of tearing every man down, I want to build them up. I want to help marriages. I want my house to be open for anyone, including men. (When the opposite sex is in our house, both of us are here. I don't go that far, we do have house rules to keep us in check.)
In Matthew 5:22-32, it talks about adultery and divorce. "But I say, if anyone who even looks at a woman with lust in his eye has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Men are visual. A man can look at a woman and get all the fix that he needs. In the club that I worked in, we would be on stage for two songs. Then we would rotate stages. The first song we would dance with our clothes still on. I could never understand why I would make just as many tips during that song as I did the second, when the clothes would come off. The imagination is a very strong thing. Don't get me wrong, women are just as guilty about porn. Most women just get their fix with romance novels. The imagination goes wild when it is left unchecked. That is why many times people think that something, anything other than what they already have is going to be great, but after they get it they are left disappointed. Reality is never as good as your imagination. I feel sorry for women and men who are battling against their spouses addiction to pornography. The spouse will always loose. No one can compete with what is imagined. Viagra would loose its business if men would get out of porn. Yes, some men need it because of medical conditions. Give me a break, not that many men are impotent. I never had any difficulty getting any reaction when I was in the club, not one time. (Okay, that was harsh) People fall in love with something that is not real. Your spouse is enough. If a wife is not "doing it" for her husband, if he doesn't get excited just by being near her; look at what he is focusing on. If people would just stop fixating on the illusions that someone else is better, many marriages would be saved.
In Matthew 5:32 it talks about unfaithfulness and that is an "excuse" to get a divorce. In my commentary it says, "This does not mean that divorce should automatically occur when a spouse commits adultery. The word translated "unfaithful" implies a sexually immoral life-style, not a confessed and repented act of adultery. Those who discover that their partner has been unfaithful should first make every effort to forgive, reconcile, and restore their relationship. We are always to look for reasons to restore the marriage relationship rather than for excuses to leave it." Matthew 6:14-15, "If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins." Commentary, "When we don't forgive others, we are denying our common ground as sinners." Matthew 7:1-5, talks about helping to get the speck in someone's eye when their is a log in yours. Commentary, "The traits that bother us in others are often the habits we have ourselves."
Before you bash someone for living a certain way, before you condemn a man for falling into temptation, look at what you are doing behind closed doors. What kind of fantasies are you living in. Pornography, strip clubs, prostitution, and yes romance novels are never the answer for a good life. (Don't forget those girls who work in that lifestyle, they are not the enemy. They are hurt because of this lie, probably more than anyone. My heart cries for all of them.) That life is only an illusion that will destroy everyone involved. The only answer to a good life is a softened heart, living in forgiveness for ourselves and others, looking to Christ for our pleasure instead of worldly things, and living to the best of our ability as Christ wants us to live.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Deserts of Life
I love to read in the mornings. I have started over in the New Testament. The things that I read are profound. They jump out at me at different times and strike a cord. I used to get so confused when I would hear anything on the Beatitudes in Matthew 5. I would see that the ones who were suffering were the ones who were blessed. I am sorry, this is just wrong. Does God want us to suffer? "Blessed are the poor in spirit, blessed are those who mourn, blessed are the meek..." When I would hear this I would get confused. Why are people blessed when they go through hard times? Why is it that the ones who are lowly, are the ones lifted up? I can see the answer now. When you go through the deserts of life, when you experience pain, when you feel all alone; this is when you see, feel, and experience God in your life. This is when you can finally open your eyes and watch him work. This is when you finally give up, trying to do it on your own, and let God do the work for you. If you really want to get out of the hurt and the hard times, God will work, if you will just let him.
Sunday morning I had wanted to go to Church with my ex, but he did not want to go. He said, "he didn't want to "share" me with anyone since I was going to be gone for a few days." We stayed home and I got mad. I wanted him to change so I could change. I could have changed first, but I wanted him to lead me in the change. This was where I was weak. This is the part that I regret the most. I was too weak to change and follow God first. I was a follower, even though I thought that I was the one in the lead. This was my dessert. In order for God's power to open my eyes, I had to want to be different more than anything else.
I lived by Corpus Cristi TX, and I was on my way to Austin to see my mom and get acupuncture the next day. I had been listening to Joyce, wanting to change. I had destroyed my life. My innocence was completely gone. My mind was completely distorted from the drugs. God had to intervene. I did not know what was about to take place, I just knew something had to be different. I asked God to help me, I was at the bottom. I was in a pit so deep that I could not even see how it had all happened. All that I knew was things were completely out of control. I was going to die and this really did scare me. Even though I thought death would be better, I was scared. I needed help.
I got to Austin and my family started in on me. I was terrified, I did not want to leave my ex. I needed things to change, but I did not want that much to change. God knew what I needed in order to save my soul, in order to restore my life. I regret that I was not strong enough to change on my own, but I do not regret the life that God has blessed me with now. He saw me, even though I could not yet see him. He pulled me out of the grip of death and gave me a new life.
God gave me something that I never dreamed I could have, he gave me purity. I feel clean. I feel pure. I have an innocence about my life that does not show the scars of my past. God gave me a new life all because I asked him for help and followed him. Every door that opened, I went in. I was terrified, but I walked through every open door. It was hard, I had dug the pit. It was work, but it was so worth the effort. I am so glad that I saw God in the desert of my life. Now I live on the mountain of forgiveness and new beginnings. A fresh start.
Sunday morning I had wanted to go to Church with my ex, but he did not want to go. He said, "he didn't want to "share" me with anyone since I was going to be gone for a few days." We stayed home and I got mad. I wanted him to change so I could change. I could have changed first, but I wanted him to lead me in the change. This was where I was weak. This is the part that I regret the most. I was too weak to change and follow God first. I was a follower, even though I thought that I was the one in the lead. This was my dessert. In order for God's power to open my eyes, I had to want to be different more than anything else.
I lived by Corpus Cristi TX, and I was on my way to Austin to see my mom and get acupuncture the next day. I had been listening to Joyce, wanting to change. I had destroyed my life. My innocence was completely gone. My mind was completely distorted from the drugs. God had to intervene. I did not know what was about to take place, I just knew something had to be different. I asked God to help me, I was at the bottom. I was in a pit so deep that I could not even see how it had all happened. All that I knew was things were completely out of control. I was going to die and this really did scare me. Even though I thought death would be better, I was scared. I needed help.
I got to Austin and my family started in on me. I was terrified, I did not want to leave my ex. I needed things to change, but I did not want that much to change. God knew what I needed in order to save my soul, in order to restore my life. I regret that I was not strong enough to change on my own, but I do not regret the life that God has blessed me with now. He saw me, even though I could not yet see him. He pulled me out of the grip of death and gave me a new life.
God gave me something that I never dreamed I could have, he gave me purity. I feel clean. I feel pure. I have an innocence about my life that does not show the scars of my past. God gave me a new life all because I asked him for help and followed him. Every door that opened, I went in. I was terrified, but I walked through every open door. It was hard, I had dug the pit. It was work, but it was so worth the effort. I am so glad that I saw God in the desert of my life. Now I live on the mountain of forgiveness and new beginnings. A fresh start.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Drugs vs Freedom
These past few days I have been browsing other blogs. I have been looking at blogs that have drugs as an interest. Out of all of the blogs that I have seen, this topic is the saddest. Anyone who has drugs as one of their interests; their stories are full of darkness. There is no hope, no life, no true joy (that inner joy that makes every day worth living for). I look at my life now and see how truly far I have come. I see life around me. I have bad days, but these days are not hopeless.
I remember sitting in my tiny house, feeling hopeless. I would get high, thinking that was the only way I could cope with life. Getting high alone is totally different than getting high and going out with friends. If drugs were so great it would not matter if you were alone or with others, getting high would be great no matter what. But when you are alone, you are surrounded; this is when the knives come out. This is when the cutting happens. This is when you tear at your flesh trying to relieve the pain. I do not know how many times I came so close to death. When you start doing a lot of drugs, you become so alone, and yet you never really want to be alone. The drugs trap you and you cannot help but be alone. I trapped myself in a world that no one could enter, no matter how hard they tried. I am so glad that I am out of that world. When I start thinking that getting high sounds so good, I remember just how sad it really is and the desire is easily destroyed. I would never want to trade my life now, for that life then.
One of the Jewish customs of baptism is a ritual done with the bride to be. The bride goes into the water (Mikvah) to be immersed. There are three different symbols that take place here. I love this.
1. Right of purification- She is washed, she is purified, she is clean (After period she goes to the Mikvah to be washed. Her egg died (was not fertilized) and she is washed from the bleeding, she is clean).
2. Separation of old life/Burial of old life- She is no longer single, she is now united to her husband
3. Change in authority status- Before she goes under the water she is under the authority of her father. As she comes up out of the water she is no longer under her father, but her husband.
The Mikvah separates one form of life of living from a new life, new living. Mikvah purifies. It is a total immersion, a complete life change.
This is so cool, I just love this. I have been very interested in the Jewish customs for some time now. Jesus was a Jew. He was speaking to Jews. In order to understand what he was saying and where he was coming from I had to understand the Jewish customs. Baptism is all over the New Testament, but it started during Moses' time. Why? One big element of it, is a custom for the bride to be baptized (immersed). We are the bride of Christ.
Christian Baptism
1. Right of purification- we are washed to cleanse us of our sins
2. Separation of old life- We are no longer living for ourselves, but living for God. Our old life is dead we are buried to old life of sin.
3. Change in authority status- We are no longer under sins control, we are under Christ's control.
We are baptised into the Lord's death, burial and Resurrection. We are baptised into the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. It is not partial change, but full life change.
In the Jewish custom; after the bride (those who believe in Christ) was baptized the groom (Christ) would go and build a wedding chamber (chuppah), a room for her, on his fathers (God) house. Sometimes this process would take a very long time, 12 months or more. When the father decided that it was fit and the groom was ready, the father would send the young man out to get his bride, who had been waiting for him. She never knew when he was going to come. Her job was to be waiting, keeping him at the center of her heart.
Christ always refers to us as his bride, he is always the Groom. John 14: 2-3, Christ is going to prepare a place for us in his Father's house. Mathew 25: 1-13, Parable of the ten bridesmaids. Five of the brides were prepared, waiting for their groom. Five were foolish and did not prepare, they did not think ahead to the coming of their Lord.
I have hope. I am watching and waiting for my Groom to come. I am clean. I am pure. I will not return to the old way. I will not destroy myself any longer. I will mess up, but Christ will continually clean me. Christ died for me, my Groom died for me. He conquered death and paid the price for my redemption. I choose to be different, because he loves me. My life is different. I am no longer alone. The hurt is gone; life has taken its place. I will be baptized for my wedding day. I will be baptized for the right reasons. I love my Lord. I want to follow his comands. My life has changed, I am different.
I remember sitting in my tiny house, feeling hopeless. I would get high, thinking that was the only way I could cope with life. Getting high alone is totally different than getting high and going out with friends. If drugs were so great it would not matter if you were alone or with others, getting high would be great no matter what. But when you are alone, you are surrounded; this is when the knives come out. This is when the cutting happens. This is when you tear at your flesh trying to relieve the pain. I do not know how many times I came so close to death. When you start doing a lot of drugs, you become so alone, and yet you never really want to be alone. The drugs trap you and you cannot help but be alone. I trapped myself in a world that no one could enter, no matter how hard they tried. I am so glad that I am out of that world. When I start thinking that getting high sounds so good, I remember just how sad it really is and the desire is easily destroyed. I would never want to trade my life now, for that life then.
One of the Jewish customs of baptism is a ritual done with the bride to be. The bride goes into the water (Mikvah) to be immersed. There are three different symbols that take place here. I love this.
1. Right of purification- She is washed, she is purified, she is clean (After period she goes to the Mikvah to be washed. Her egg died (was not fertilized) and she is washed from the bleeding, she is clean).
2. Separation of old life/Burial of old life- She is no longer single, she is now united to her husband
3. Change in authority status- Before she goes under the water she is under the authority of her father. As she comes up out of the water she is no longer under her father, but her husband.
The Mikvah separates one form of life of living from a new life, new living. Mikvah purifies. It is a total immersion, a complete life change.
This is so cool, I just love this. I have been very interested in the Jewish customs for some time now. Jesus was a Jew. He was speaking to Jews. In order to understand what he was saying and where he was coming from I had to understand the Jewish customs. Baptism is all over the New Testament, but it started during Moses' time. Why? One big element of it, is a custom for the bride to be baptized (immersed). We are the bride of Christ.
Christian Baptism
1. Right of purification- we are washed to cleanse us of our sins
2. Separation of old life- We are no longer living for ourselves, but living for God. Our old life is dead we are buried to old life of sin.
3. Change in authority status- We are no longer under sins control, we are under Christ's control.
We are baptised into the Lord's death, burial and Resurrection. We are baptised into the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. It is not partial change, but full life change.
In the Jewish custom; after the bride (those who believe in Christ) was baptized the groom (Christ) would go and build a wedding chamber (chuppah), a room for her, on his fathers (God) house. Sometimes this process would take a very long time, 12 months or more. When the father decided that it was fit and the groom was ready, the father would send the young man out to get his bride, who had been waiting for him. She never knew when he was going to come. Her job was to be waiting, keeping him at the center of her heart.
Christ always refers to us as his bride, he is always the Groom. John 14: 2-3, Christ is going to prepare a place for us in his Father's house. Mathew 25: 1-13, Parable of the ten bridesmaids. Five of the brides were prepared, waiting for their groom. Five were foolish and did not prepare, they did not think ahead to the coming of their Lord.
I have hope. I am watching and waiting for my Groom to come. I am clean. I am pure. I will not return to the old way. I will not destroy myself any longer. I will mess up, but Christ will continually clean me. Christ died for me, my Groom died for me. He conquered death and paid the price for my redemption. I choose to be different, because he loves me. My life is different. I am no longer alone. The hurt is gone; life has taken its place. I will be baptized for my wedding day. I will be baptized for the right reasons. I love my Lord. I want to follow his comands. My life has changed, I am different.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Embracing Multiple Sclerosis
I got MS when I was 20, in college. It hit me hard and fast. My mother would have to come and help me take my finals because I could not pick up a pen, brush my teeth, put on my make up, or walk very well. I had incidences of urinary incontinence. I slept all of the time. I just could not function. Then we discovered Chinese acupuncture and herbs. This helped me to live a normal existence, but I still have times of symptoms. The difference now, is that the symptoms do not control my life, my attitude. They do not rob me of my joy.
MS is not a curse. It is an opportunity for God's glory to be shown through me. I love this. I really do. I can relate with so many people in so many different aspects of this life. There are not many things that people can say they have gone through, that I cannot relate with. I understand. How many people can say that? I do not wish for more things to happen, but I am glad for what I have experienced. What Satan meant for evil, to destroy me; God meant for good, to make me stronger. I have changed my thought life. I had to, or I would be miserable.
People look at me now and say, "Yes, but you do not struggle like I do. I am worse than you." God has blessed me with a time of healing, he has. But this does not mean that I have not experience that fear, that unrest, that feeling of being completely out of control, the pain, the uncertainty, the loneliness. I felt like God was punishing me. What had I done that was really so bad? Yes, I had struggled with having sex with my boyfriends, but did I deserve this? I was trying to live a life that would make God happy with me. I just needed to get married and the one thing that had always haunted me would be fixed, right? God was never punishing me. He loved me just as much then as he does now. What I could not see were the other people who needed me to go through this. He needed me to experience so much of this life. Just look at the people who God can help, through my tough times. I am not saying that God directed all of my life. The choices that I made were my choices. I just choose to use those choices for good. I have to set myself free. This world is not my home I am just passing through.
What happens to my life, is really not important. God being glorified, is important. I ask him to allow me to work for him through my health. I want to glorify him with my life of energy and strength. But, if he needs me to be sick, well that is what he needs. Who am I to challenge this? I will use my health to the best of my ability. I want to show his love through my health, but if he needs others to see his strength through my weakness, so be it. I will not doubt him and his wisdom. I surrender this life for him. I will work for him no matter what my physical body goes through. I am not here for physical enjoyment any longer. I am here to do the work of my Lord. I pray that others who come in contact with me; can come in contact with God and find their Savior. It does not really matter if I am healthy, living in a nice house, enjoying all of the benefits of this world; or living with the worst of MS, and living in a camping trailer. What matters is that God uses my life to his glory. This life, even though it may seem long, is only a brief moment in time. What matters is that I glorify my Savior and others are touched because of this. How awful it would be if I lived this life and it meant nothing for the kingdom of heaven.
If you question God, if you doubt him, you will be miserable. It is not our job to question. It is our job to serve. Do I get it all right? No, not even close. I am trying. I am serving my Lord, the best that I can. I serve him because he loves me. I serve him to show my love for him. I know that he does not try to hurt me. He loves me. If someone else will come to Christ because they watch me endure with my Lord, through my struggles, then praise God. Another life has been saved! Who knows, it may just save my own sons or husband. How much I would love to say, my family was strong in the Lord, because they watched him with me, even through the hard times. This was the testimony of my Grandmother. God was glorified through her life of 43 different surgeries. He was seen through her sickness. Your sickness can be a gift of salvation for someone else. Our job is to show the glory of God, no matter what our circumstances are.
MS is not a curse. It is an opportunity for God's glory to be shown through me. I love this. I really do. I can relate with so many people in so many different aspects of this life. There are not many things that people can say they have gone through, that I cannot relate with. I understand. How many people can say that? I do not wish for more things to happen, but I am glad for what I have experienced. What Satan meant for evil, to destroy me; God meant for good, to make me stronger. I have changed my thought life. I had to, or I would be miserable.
People look at me now and say, "Yes, but you do not struggle like I do. I am worse than you." God has blessed me with a time of healing, he has. But this does not mean that I have not experience that fear, that unrest, that feeling of being completely out of control, the pain, the uncertainty, the loneliness. I felt like God was punishing me. What had I done that was really so bad? Yes, I had struggled with having sex with my boyfriends, but did I deserve this? I was trying to live a life that would make God happy with me. I just needed to get married and the one thing that had always haunted me would be fixed, right? God was never punishing me. He loved me just as much then as he does now. What I could not see were the other people who needed me to go through this. He needed me to experience so much of this life. Just look at the people who God can help, through my tough times. I am not saying that God directed all of my life. The choices that I made were my choices. I just choose to use those choices for good. I have to set myself free. This world is not my home I am just passing through.
What happens to my life, is really not important. God being glorified, is important. I ask him to allow me to work for him through my health. I want to glorify him with my life of energy and strength. But, if he needs me to be sick, well that is what he needs. Who am I to challenge this? I will use my health to the best of my ability. I want to show his love through my health, but if he needs others to see his strength through my weakness, so be it. I will not doubt him and his wisdom. I surrender this life for him. I will work for him no matter what my physical body goes through. I am not here for physical enjoyment any longer. I am here to do the work of my Lord. I pray that others who come in contact with me; can come in contact with God and find their Savior. It does not really matter if I am healthy, living in a nice house, enjoying all of the benefits of this world; or living with the worst of MS, and living in a camping trailer. What matters is that God uses my life to his glory. This life, even though it may seem long, is only a brief moment in time. What matters is that I glorify my Savior and others are touched because of this. How awful it would be if I lived this life and it meant nothing for the kingdom of heaven.
If you question God, if you doubt him, you will be miserable. It is not our job to question. It is our job to serve. Do I get it all right? No, not even close. I am trying. I am serving my Lord, the best that I can. I serve him because he loves me. I serve him to show my love for him. I know that he does not try to hurt me. He loves me. If someone else will come to Christ because they watch me endure with my Lord, through my struggles, then praise God. Another life has been saved! Who knows, it may just save my own sons or husband. How much I would love to say, my family was strong in the Lord, because they watched him with me, even through the hard times. This was the testimony of my Grandmother. God was glorified through her life of 43 different surgeries. He was seen through her sickness. Your sickness can be a gift of salvation for someone else. Our job is to show the glory of God, no matter what our circumstances are.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
My Mother
This past weekend we celebrated my mothers 60th B-Day. We made a book of memories for her where people from her life wrote in and shared a memory they had of her. The book turned out wonderful. It is good to have help looking back on our life and seeing that it was well spent. It is so easy to look only at what we do wrong, sometimes we need help to see the good.
This is what I wrote for my mom, in her book of her life:
My Mother,
What can I say to you? How thankful I am for you and all that you have done for me. As a child you encouraged me to follow my interests. You allowed me to bring in every creepy, crawling thing that I discovered. Your little girl was worse than your little boys. You guided me in prayer every night with our Lord. Even though I resisted this, I am so glad you were faithful, for me. You inspired me to be a beautiful woman. Oh, how truly beautiful you were. This is a blessing; you lit up the room when you entered. Everyone wanted to be with you. You showed me how to love and have fun. You showed me spontaneity and how to live this life with joy. All of the kids wanted to be at our house, you were so much fun. Life was in our home, because of you. You are my teacher, you are my friend, you are my wonderful mother.
I am so glad that you never gave up on me. I struggled for many years on trying find out who I was and needed to become. You were right there, right beside me all of the way. I do not have a memory that you are not there, trying to help me. Even though I am not as gentile as you were and my patience are thin; you showed me what I desire in mothering. I know, that no matter what, if I need you, you are here. Isn’t that what we are supposed to show our children about God? That if we need him, all we have to do is; let him know and he is here. You have portrayed that image very well. You have done a truly, good job.
I wish that you would look back on your life and see your successes. Do not concentrate on your failures, for even in your weakest moments, his strength is present. You are an image of your Father. When I see you and how much you love me, I know that he loves me too. You have done your job well and I thank you for that. Even when I was at my darkest, your arms were open. Even when I was dying, you were there offering me life. Oh, my precious mom, How can I Thank You? I can never repay you for all that you have done. I can never offer you the love, you offered me. You have given your life for me and I will always have the deepest gratitude for that. Don’t you see it, don’t you see Christ in you. You are his image. You allowed me to see him, even when the ocean was at its darkest. Do you see that you helped to save me? I DO!
I have watched you grow. I have seen you in ways that no one else has ever seen you. I know your deepest love and I have felt your passion. Because of you, I am okay. You no longer have to worry about me, I am setting you free! Take a deep breath and know that you did your job well. Well done good and faithful servant. Your children are saved and your life was well spent. Look back and smile because the rest of us are. As we look back on your life, we can truly rejoice.
Thank you sweet woman of God,
I Love you,
J
This is what I wrote for my mom, in her book of her life:
My Mother,
What can I say to you? How thankful I am for you and all that you have done for me. As a child you encouraged me to follow my interests. You allowed me to bring in every creepy, crawling thing that I discovered. Your little girl was worse than your little boys. You guided me in prayer every night with our Lord. Even though I resisted this, I am so glad you were faithful, for me. You inspired me to be a beautiful woman. Oh, how truly beautiful you were. This is a blessing; you lit up the room when you entered. Everyone wanted to be with you. You showed me how to love and have fun. You showed me spontaneity and how to live this life with joy. All of the kids wanted to be at our house, you were so much fun. Life was in our home, because of you. You are my teacher, you are my friend, you are my wonderful mother.
I am so glad that you never gave up on me. I struggled for many years on trying find out who I was and needed to become. You were right there, right beside me all of the way. I do not have a memory that you are not there, trying to help me. Even though I am not as gentile as you were and my patience are thin; you showed me what I desire in mothering. I know, that no matter what, if I need you, you are here. Isn’t that what we are supposed to show our children about God? That if we need him, all we have to do is; let him know and he is here. You have portrayed that image very well. You have done a truly, good job.
I wish that you would look back on your life and see your successes. Do not concentrate on your failures, for even in your weakest moments, his strength is present. You are an image of your Father. When I see you and how much you love me, I know that he loves me too. You have done your job well and I thank you for that. Even when I was at my darkest, your arms were open. Even when I was dying, you were there offering me life. Oh, my precious mom, How can I Thank You? I can never repay you for all that you have done. I can never offer you the love, you offered me. You have given your life for me and I will always have the deepest gratitude for that. Don’t you see it, don’t you see Christ in you. You are his image. You allowed me to see him, even when the ocean was at its darkest. Do you see that you helped to save me? I DO!
I have watched you grow. I have seen you in ways that no one else has ever seen you. I know your deepest love and I have felt your passion. Because of you, I am okay. You no longer have to worry about me, I am setting you free! Take a deep breath and know that you did your job well. Well done good and faithful servant. Your children are saved and your life was well spent. Look back and smile because the rest of us are. As we look back on your life, we can truly rejoice.
Thank you sweet woman of God,
I Love you,
J
Monday, May 19, 2008
Good, Godly, Strong Men
We went this weekend to visit my family in Austin, TX. We were celebrating the birth of my brother's son and my mom's 60th birthday. What an awesome weekend! I have been blessed with a very strong, very loving family. My oldest brother is married and now has four children, ages new to 11 yrs. My second brother is single, living to the best of his ability a single, pure life for Christ. I am the third. I am the only girl and the one my family loved back to Christ.
It was very good being with my family. I wish we lived closer so that I could see them more often. I don't know, maybe this is best so that we appreciate each other more. It is really neat to sit and watch the family dynamics when we get together. My middle brother, we call him Uncle, is the kids play station. My boys love and adore him. Uncle can do no wrong in their eyes. My youngest son is named after him and the new baby bears Uncle's first name. It is really comforting going home, even though we do not all agree with everything, we are very close. I am very blessed to have this family I know, this is rare and most people do not share the closeness that my family possesses. I have to believe that this was God's design for families, a close union, a loving family. Even when I was at my worst my family welcomed me in. They loved me back to Christ, by keeping me close to them.
I want to talk a little about my brother, Uncle. He is now 36, he is a virgin, never drinks, like I said he tries to live a very pure life. My thoughts about my brother have changed greatly over the years. I used to think that he was weak and missing out on life, a prude. I thought that he should go out and experience this life and all that it offers. My opinion has changed and my respect for men like him is abounding. If he does get married he will give his wife something that most men cannot, his very self. She will not ever have to share him with anyone, his mind will be pure. This is awesome, I know... I have this with my husband.
Many women feel like they could never have a godly man. They feel like they are too tainted to ever expect a man that is pure. I know, I was very darkened by this world. To expect a clean, pure man was out of the question, but I got one. My husband was a virgin when we met, he only drank twice, he was not into porn, he was pure. How could someone like me, get a man like that? How could I be content with someone like that? With God all things are possible. With God no one is better than the other and every one deserves the same amount of respect and opportunities. No one should ever feel like they have gone too far and that they should just settle for someone. A godly man will love with the love of Christ and hold nothing against a woman who has a past. We all have a past, a present and a wonderful future, with God in the lead.
I am here to say that there are good, godly men still out there, they do exist. There is no woman that has a past so awful, she cannot be forgiven. This does not mean that you are forgiven by God, but don't expect a good man to come into your life. It is the opposite. Expect the best for yourself, do not settle for less and love yourself enough to allow God the chance to work. There are strong men out there that can handle any woman's past.
It was very good being with my family. I wish we lived closer so that I could see them more often. I don't know, maybe this is best so that we appreciate each other more. It is really neat to sit and watch the family dynamics when we get together. My middle brother, we call him Uncle, is the kids play station. My boys love and adore him. Uncle can do no wrong in their eyes. My youngest son is named after him and the new baby bears Uncle's first name. It is really comforting going home, even though we do not all agree with everything, we are very close. I am very blessed to have this family I know, this is rare and most people do not share the closeness that my family possesses. I have to believe that this was God's design for families, a close union, a loving family. Even when I was at my worst my family welcomed me in. They loved me back to Christ, by keeping me close to them.
I want to talk a little about my brother, Uncle. He is now 36, he is a virgin, never drinks, like I said he tries to live a very pure life. My thoughts about my brother have changed greatly over the years. I used to think that he was weak and missing out on life, a prude. I thought that he should go out and experience this life and all that it offers. My opinion has changed and my respect for men like him is abounding. If he does get married he will give his wife something that most men cannot, his very self. She will not ever have to share him with anyone, his mind will be pure. This is awesome, I know... I have this with my husband.
Many women feel like they could never have a godly man. They feel like they are too tainted to ever expect a man that is pure. I know, I was very darkened by this world. To expect a clean, pure man was out of the question, but I got one. My husband was a virgin when we met, he only drank twice, he was not into porn, he was pure. How could someone like me, get a man like that? How could I be content with someone like that? With God all things are possible. With God no one is better than the other and every one deserves the same amount of respect and opportunities. No one should ever feel like they have gone too far and that they should just settle for someone. A godly man will love with the love of Christ and hold nothing against a woman who has a past. We all have a past, a present and a wonderful future, with God in the lead.
I am here to say that there are good, godly men still out there, they do exist. There is no woman that has a past so awful, she cannot be forgiven. This does not mean that you are forgiven by God, but don't expect a good man to come into your life. It is the opposite. Expect the best for yourself, do not settle for less and love yourself enough to allow God the chance to work. There are strong men out there that can handle any woman's past.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)