I got MS when I was 20, in college. It hit me hard and fast. My mother would have to come and help me take my finals because I could not pick up a pen, brush my teeth, put on my make up, or walk very well. I had incidences of urinary incontinence. I slept all of the time. I just could not function. Then we discovered Chinese acupuncture and herbs. This helped me to live a normal existence, but I still have times of symptoms. The difference now, is that the symptoms do not control my life, my attitude. They do not rob me of my joy.
MS is not a curse. It is an opportunity for God's glory to be shown through me. I love this. I really do. I can relate with so many people in so many different aspects of this life. There are not many things that people can say they have gone through, that I cannot relate with. I understand. How many people can say that? I do not wish for more things to happen, but I am glad for what I have experienced. What Satan meant for evil, to destroy me; God meant for good, to make me stronger. I have changed my thought life. I had to, or I would be miserable.
People look at me now and say, "Yes, but you do not struggle like I do. I am worse than you." God has blessed me with a time of healing, he has. But this does not mean that I have not experience that fear, that unrest, that feeling of being completely out of control, the pain, the uncertainty, the loneliness. I felt like God was punishing me. What had I done that was really so bad? Yes, I had struggled with having sex with my boyfriends, but did I deserve this? I was trying to live a life that would make God happy with me. I just needed to get married and the one thing that had always haunted me would be fixed, right? God was never punishing me. He loved me just as much then as he does now. What I could not see were the other people who needed me to go through this. He needed me to experience so much of this life. Just look at the people who God can help, through my tough times. I am not saying that God directed all of my life. The choices that I made were my choices. I just choose to use those choices for good. I have to set myself free. This world is not my home I am just passing through.
What happens to my life, is really not important. God being glorified, is important. I ask him to allow me to work for him through my health. I want to glorify him with my life of energy and strength. But, if he needs me to be sick, well that is what he needs. Who am I to challenge this? I will use my health to the best of my ability. I want to show his love through my health, but if he needs others to see his strength through my weakness, so be it. I will not doubt him and his wisdom. I surrender this life for him. I will work for him no matter what my physical body goes through. I am not here for physical enjoyment any longer. I am here to do the work of my Lord. I pray that others who come in contact with me; can come in contact with God and find their Savior. It does not really matter if I am healthy, living in a nice house, enjoying all of the benefits of this world; or living with the worst of MS, and living in a camping trailer. What matters is that God uses my life to his glory. This life, even though it may seem long, is only a brief moment in time. What matters is that I glorify my Savior and others are touched because of this. How awful it would be if I lived this life and it meant nothing for the kingdom of heaven.
If you question God, if you doubt him, you will be miserable. It is not our job to question. It is our job to serve. Do I get it all right? No, not even close. I am trying. I am serving my Lord, the best that I can. I serve him because he loves me. I serve him to show my love for him. I know that he does not try to hurt me. He loves me. If someone else will come to Christ because they watch me endure with my Lord, through my struggles, then praise God. Another life has been saved! Who knows, it may just save my own sons or husband. How much I would love to say, my family was strong in the Lord, because they watched him with me, even through the hard times. This was the testimony of my Grandmother. God was glorified through her life of 43 different surgeries. He was seen through her sickness. Your sickness can be a gift of salvation for someone else. Our job is to show the glory of God, no matter what our circumstances are.
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