Deserts of Life

I love to read in the mornings. I have started over in the New Testament. The things that I read are profound. They jump out at me at different times and strike a cord. I used to get so confused when I would hear anything on the Beatitudes in Matthew 5. I would see that the ones who were suffering were the ones who were blessed. I am sorry, this is just wrong. Does God want us to suffer? "Blessed are the poor in spirit, blessed are those who mourn, blessed are the meek..." When I would hear this I would get confused. Why are people blessed when they go through hard times? Why is it that the ones who are lowly, are the ones lifted up? I can see the answer now. When you go through the deserts of life, when you experience pain, when you feel all alone; this is when you see, feel, and experience God in your life. This is when you can finally open your eyes and watch him work. This is when you finally give up, trying to do it on your own, and let God do the work for you. If you really want to get out of the hurt and the hard times, God will work, if you will just let him.

Sunday morning I had wanted to go to Church with my ex, but he did not want to go. He said, "he didn't want to "share" me with anyone since I was going to be gone for a few days." We stayed home and I got mad. I wanted him to change so I could change. I could have changed first, but I wanted him to lead me in the change. This was where I was weak. This is the part that I regret the most. I was too weak to change and follow God first. I was a follower, even though I thought that I was the one in the lead. This was my dessert. In order for God's power to open my eyes, I had to want to be different more than anything else.

I lived by Corpus Cristi TX, and I was on my way to Austin to see my mom and get acupuncture the next day. I had been listening to Joyce, wanting to change. I had destroyed my life. My innocence was completely gone. My mind was completely distorted from the drugs. God had to intervene. I did not know what was about to take place, I just knew something had to be different. I asked God to help me, I was at the bottom. I was in a pit so deep that I could not even see how it had all happened. All that I knew was things were completely out of control. I was going to die and this really did scare me. Even though I thought death would be better, I was scared. I needed help.

I got to Austin and my family started in on me. I was terrified, I did not want to leave my ex. I needed things to change, but I did not want that much to change. God knew what I needed in order to save my soul, in order to restore my life. I regret that I was not strong enough to change on my own, but I do not regret the life that God has blessed me with now. He saw me, even though I could not yet see him. He pulled me out of the grip of death and gave me a new life.

God gave me something that I never dreamed I could have, he gave me purity. I feel clean. I feel pure. I have an innocence about my life that does not show the scars of my past. God gave me a new life all because I asked him for help and followed him. Every door that opened, I went in. I was terrified, but I walked through every open door. It was hard, I had dug the pit. It was work, but it was so worth the effort. I am so glad that I saw God in the desert of my life. Now I live on the mountain of forgiveness and new beginnings. A fresh start.