One main question?

When Jason and I first got married I had a very long list of things for him to work on. Yes, he had things about him that were not perfect as well, and I knew how to find those faults for sure. During one trip over Monarch Pass, I was laying out everything that I was unhappy with about him and how I was feeling unfulfilled in the relationship. Instead of getting defensive and giving up on me, because really, who can fix everything right away anyways. He asked me to point to the biggest thing that stood out to me. What was the number one thing that I needed from him? After quite a while of trying to narrow my biggest objections down to one I was able to see my biggest wounding from him. He then focused on this one issue and miraculously everything else faded away.

We do this in every situation we find ourselves in. We have a list of things that need worked on. When the list is long we can feel overwhelmed and that is when failure takes hold. "How can I accomplish everything?" But in everything it all boils down to not one, but two main topics. In these two things, if we really look at these two issues, we really can find all the answers to our everyday life healed.

“The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” (Mark 12:29)

If we can wrap our mind around this, life is smoother. We can learn to truthfully do our best in our job, our home, with others we come in contact with. If we truly love God, then we won't be able to turn a blind eye on what we think others can't see, for we will always be aware that someone can always see. We won't keep our doors in life closed in order to hide our messiness. If we truly love others, we will be thinking of them in what they need in order for them to live more fully in their environment. If we love ourselves, then we will always be truthful to ourselves about what we do that is good and what we can do better. This one answer in life can help us live more fully and if we can grasp this then we may not be so overburdened by such a long list we think we must overcome. What is it about that long list that we think we must get it all done? There is always a simple issue at it core. Can we see it?

 

Jewels upon His Crown

There are certain key words, phrases, or ideas in the bible that have caught my attention for years. I've been struck by two this morning, but only have time for one. 

There are teachings out there that I definitely have a hard time with. What are jewels to God? What are His special treasures? Is it gold and precious stones? Does he admire pearls found in the ocean? Think about it. What is His most valuable treasure in all of creation that we will be blessed with for eternity?

"But, brothers and sisters, when we were orphaned by being separated from you for a short time (in person, not in thought), out of our intense longing we made every effort to see you.  For we wanted to come to you—certainly I, Paul, did, again and again—but Satan blocked our way. For what is our hope, our joy, or the crown in which we will glory in the presence of our Lord Jesus when he comes? Is it not you? Indeed, you are our glory and joy", 1 Thessalonians 2:17-20.

Yes, we will have crowns to lay at Jesus's feet, but have you ever thought outside the box of "our precious jewels" to His thought of what He sees as precious? If we change our vision to His love and desire, we can see that His precious stones are people. We are to live this life so in love for others that we can bring His treasures, given to us, to His feet and say to Him, "I loved them this much.  I laid down what I saw as precious to what You see as precious and gave up my life for relationship that showed them Your love." 

There is nothing in all of this world that is harder to cultivate than loving relationships. Our ideas, our wants, our treasures are to be set aside till we have His vision of what is most precious. 

"Thank you God that we are continually learning more about who You are. Thank you for Your grace and precious love. Help me this day Lord, to have Your vision for others. Help me to see what is truly important so that I get out of the way of my relationships with others. Help me so that they feel Your love through me. Help me to see others as the precious jewels upon Your crown. I love You Lord. In Jesus name, Amen"

Intimacy in Tuth

My 41st birthday was just a couple of weeks ago. Jason took me to Ouray for a quiet get away, just the two of us. I had been feeling the need for more intimacy for quite a while. Just a couple of months before I had told him, "I don't feel very intimate with you." Looked at him and asked if he felt intimate with me? When he answered with "yes" I was baffled. How? We barely have time to talk. We talk about work. We talk about kids. We talk about facts, but for me as a woman, I need something more. I need talking about feelings. For him as a man, intimacy is doing. We work together. We "sleep" together. We are always together. So for him he feels connected.... I needed to talk! So on this drive for my birthday, I got out my little questions and began with question one. "We are going to have a great talk," I thought, "and start off this weekend trip to Ouray right so we can have some intimacy.

1. "How did you feel loved this week by me?"
His truthful, but much needed answer was not what I expected him to say... "I haven't."

And with this answer we had intimacy, just not in the direction I had envisioned. I had been so focused on me and what I wasn't getting out of Jason, out of our relationship, that I forgot to give. In my own selfishness I had forgotten that the route to true intimacy involves me stepping outside myself into his feelings and needs. As a mom, wife, coworker... I often look at all that I am doing, "Don't you see all that I give? Don't you see all of my struggling to try and give us a happy home? And in spite of my MS... Don't you see my strength, my pain, and all that I do for you?" But this question was not about me, I had asked it, and he gave me his truthful answer... about him and how he felt.

As I look back on the days leading to Easter, I must pause and ask God the truthful questions as well, and I must be willing to accept His answer...

They come to the Temple every day and seem delighted to learn all about Me. They act like a righteous nation that would never abandon the laws of its God. They ask Me to take action on their behalf, pretending they want to be near Me. ‘We have fasted before You!’ they say. ‘Why aren’t You impressed? We have been very hard on ourselves, and You don’t even notice it!’ “I will tell you why!” I respond. “It’s because you are fasting to please yourselves," Isaiah 58.

I am not so sure I am ready to hear this answer either. But I want intimacy, so I have to be able to accept the truth and sometimes that truth is not what I am expecting to hear.

There are a five questions that I asked Jason that day. Five questions that I had to be a safe place for him to give me his truth. Five questions that were going to make me get out of me and truly connect with him and what he needed. It was my birthday weekend, but this time was not about me, for true intimacy involves being able to hear Truth from them.

2. "What does your upcoming week look like?"
3. "How can I pray for you this week?"
4. "How would you feel loved and encouraged this week by me?"
5. "How would you feel pursued in sex and love this week?"

Never once did I turn the questions around and expect him to ask me these questions so I could be heard, for honestly, it wasn't about me. I needed him to feel safe in sharing truth with me. Yes, it hurt, but truth is the only way to intimacy. I wanted to focus on intimacy, not me. I need my husband to know how much I appreciate him. I need myself to see how much he does do for me, without me focusing on what I get out of it, but what we are together. What do we give together, that we could never accomplish alone? We are to help build one another up, but if we cannot take the truth, then how are we to know how to truthfully respond.

What good is fasting when you keep on fighting and quarreling? This kind of fasting will never get you anywhere with Me. You humble yourselves by going through the motions of penance, bowing your heads like reeds bending in the wind. You dress in burlap and cover yourselves with ashes. Is this what you call fasting? Do you really think this will please the Lord? “A fast for Me involves sharing your food with people who have none, giving those who are homeless a space in your home, giving clothes to those who need them, and not neglecting your own family, Isaiah 58.

Maybe fasting is to teach us how to act during real trials. Are we short? Do we only think of how we are suffering? Am I able to see past myself and what I deal with every day in order to still be intimate with my Lord by getting out and connecting with His loved ones in helping them live this life better? My husband's heart has good will toward me, my God's heart has good will toward me, but can I see past myself to see their heart's for me? It is in learning not to focus on myself and what I want out of relationships that I can find true freedom, true intimacy. Am I a safe place to hear truth? Am I willing to step out and ready to find true love?

“Then your salvation will come like the dawn, and your wounds will quickly heal. Your godliness will lead you forward, and the glory of the Lord will protect you from behind. Then when you call, the Lord will answer.‘Yes, I am here,’ He will quickly reply..." Isaiah 58.

Cussing, Cursing, Etiquette Lessons

I grew up in a home where I do not remember ever hearing a cuss word come from either of my parents mouths. I was always surrounded by "very upstanding" adults who never cussed in front of any of us. This doesn't mean that I never heard a cuss word. One set of grandparents, who didn't go to church, were never short on words. While the other set, who never missed church, would never utter a profane word. With this I was taught that some words were wrong, just because those words were "bad." No other explanation do I remember. Now that I am an adult and as I raise my own children, I do not want to have cussing in my home, but I would be lying if I said they never heard any. In my adult years I have actually spent a lot of time watching for this exact topic and asking many different people what they thought.

I recently put a post on Face Book that read, "Got a question for you.... Where does it say that cussing is bad? Someone show me this please."

Here are a few of the replies:

First response, "Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving. Ephesians 5:4
That is good question! I always wonder the same what is consider cussing there seems to be a slang for every word out there. It's very easy cross that line I think we all do at times even when it doesn't seem like it."

Second response, "But above all, my brothers, do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or by any other oath, but let your “yes” be yes and your “no” be no, so that you may not fall under condemnation. James 5:12
But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth. Colossians 3:8
It is not what goes into the mouth that defiles a person, but what comes out of the mouth; this defiles a person. Matthew 15:11
For “Whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit; 1 Peters 3:10
And the best.... Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Romans 12:14. 
All of these apply to your question of cussing... In the bible it is cussing, cursing and swearing are synonymous. Now there are verses that deal with cursing as in "I curse you to hell" cursing but these talk of foul language"

Third response, "I always felt like the "obscene talk" made most cuss words fall into the immoral category."

Now I love all of these responses, but I'm not exactly sure this covers "cuss words" and why "they" are bad. In all of these scriptures that I was given, it is addressing our hearts. "For out of the heart the mouth speaks..."

This makes me think of my favorite joke...

There were these three Southern ladies sitting out on one of their front proches drinking tea and sharing what their husbands had gotten them for Christmas.

The first Southern woman, "My husband got me this luxurious mink coat that flows all the way to the ground. It's truly to die for."

"That's nice," replied one woman.

The second Southern woman, "Well my husband got me that fully loaded pink Cadillac. It's sittin out in the driveway."

"That's nice, real nice," again was one reply.

Finally the two turned to the third and asked, "Well honey what did your husband get you for Christmas?"

"Etiquette lessons," she replied.

"Etiquette lessons," they exclaimed. "What in heavens name for?"

After sitting and fidgeting for a moment, she answered. "Well, instead of saying 'F' you. I say, 'That's nice, real nice.'"

Now tell me, have we learned etiquette lesson's from the bible, or are we supposed to be ever allowing Christ to change our own hearts? "Christ did not come into this world to make bad people good. He came so that the dead shall live," Michael Ramsden.

I have a sweet friend, whom I have written about before in "The Mountains in the Distance," who often lets a cuss word slip. Then he politely says to me, "I am so sorry Jenny. I'm not meaning to offend you." I always tell him that I take no offense. His heart is not cursing me. He is simply using words that he knows to carry on a conversation, but there is something here that strikes me. He asks pardon for "my offense." Why does my friend feel he needs to ask me to pardon his speech? Is it because "as Christians" many have been easily offended? Do we see the heart of the conversation? Are we looking inwardly, into the heart of the one speaking? Or are we waiting in quick offense if a "bad" word is used?

We can so easily "curse" our children with never a "cuss" word leaving our mouth. Why is this? Do we see our resentment, our foul hearts towards others? Do we only focus on the topical with never venturing into the heart?

I try my best to see the heart, but on this one topic, I do consider my God's name is Holy. Using His name as a swear word is very hard for me to take, but even then, I cannot hold others to my same standards if they do not see Him as Holy. It is through my love, my abstaining from cussing, and my relationship with them that I can tell them of His Holiness. It is never in judgement toward them, but love shown to them from me.

With many, they have heard me cuss, especially if I am retelling a story from my past, not in a malicious way, but really in the best words I feel I can use. Some have heard me cuss when I have dropped something. Others, have felt the wrath of my cursing upon them, and with this I must always check my own heart no matter the cause or the situation.... and with this I ask forgiveness. Still others have never heard a "foul" word leave my mouth. In this instance, why? With some a cuss word is never relevant. With others, I do not want to offend them. It is our own hearts that we must always be putting on the line. Why do we? Why don't we? Who are we speaking to and who is speaking to us? I'm really not justifying cussing. Honestly. I am really only wanting the heart to be revealed in everything we say and do. Are we seeking the heart?  All so often, we never have to speak a word, but the poison harbors within our hearts. Are we able to see others through our God's eyes, so that we do not hold onto the resentment we may have toward them? Do we look within often enough to see our self truthfully?

This is a long one, I know, but I have been doing lots of soul searching/scripture reading on the topic.  My last example... My grandmother who taught me about true love of our Lord through her life, also taught me about harboring things within our hearts. She had 44 surgeries. A life lived well through her suffering. But a doctor once told her that she needed to start letting out her resentment she held within, before she continued to harm herself. She couldn't believe he said this. Not a malice word had she ever spoken, but held within her heart was much poison that was slowly killing her. I'm not saying that all her illness was due to her pain within, but I am saying that what is within our hearts makes all the difference. So whether it comes out of our mouths or not, it does come from within our hearts in some way.

Oswald, It is the Lord

Chosen

I just love learning new things. It thrills me to see things new, when I have seen them a thousand times.  I have recently been reading and listening to a lot of N.T. Wright.  One of the analogies he uses is "surround sound." In my most recent book that I am reading from him, How God Became King, he addresses how we have possibly been listening/reading the bible through a certain teaching method that may not be entirely correct. It doesn't mean that it is wrong, but there may be more. I'll try and explain...

When my husband sets up the different speakers for our home he can hear when one of the speakers is not properly attuned with the rest, for it tends to drown out the others. If the treble coming from one of the speakers is off, he instantly hears it. He listens to and wants to feel the subwoofer deliver its impact at just the right time.  His ears are tuned to listen to and detect when something is too loud from the left/right/front/back. He listens to them carefully and adjusts them till they are all in sink and coming in at the right time from the appropriate direction. I, on the other hand, will accept whatever quality of sound I hear, just as long as I can understand what is going on. In my experience I didn't grow up with different speakers, but one coming directly from the TV in front of me.

As I have been reading/learning I am suddenly aware that many things that I thought I knew didn't come from what I have read, but how they have been taught to me. Within this topic, there seems to be one speaker that has been over powering the rest. I have been in this relationship long enough now, that I am slowly becoming more accustom to hearing differently. I want to hear the surround sound. So when I hear the effects of the rumblings within my heart I pause and take note. Yesterday my heart leaped when I heard something new.

Who are the "chosen of God"? Last night I thought about this question a lot and started to remember Abraham and Moses. God chose to show them who He was. He chose them. Picked them out from among a nation (made a nation through Abraham) to lead His people. But it wasn't just for them or to save a few. It was so that the whole world would see who He is. God revealed Himself to everyone through them. He chose them to lead others, because He knew they would follow Him. Through them and their obedience the whole world can see His faithfulness. 

To answer this question more, I must take a look at who were the chosen of Jesus? If I really take pause and think about this question for a moment I come to the number 12. There were 12 that He went out and chose to be His disciples. This make me want to rethink the "elect". Yes, I know the scriptures that look like there are only a few chosen to go to heaven. But what if we read scripture through different interpreting ears, what will we hear? Ephesians 1:4-5, John 15:16, 2 Thessalonians 2:13, 2 Timothy 1:9, Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose."  For the first time today I saw something different. I saw "called according to His purpose." This to me is huge!

Does this mean that the rest of the world was at a loss and may as well give up? Or that there really is no point in going out and sharing with others about God? No, this means that "some are called according to His purpose." James 3:1, not everyone should teach... Jesus was a teacher and some He is calling for His purpose. He is asking some to be disciples, to go out as He went out and walk in His path. Does this make the others "left out" not as meaningful? 
Okay, think of it like this. Does every person need to be your leader on this spiritual journey with God? No, of course not. Does this mean that those people are "unsaved"? No. It may simply mean that they are part of the sheep, but only some are "chosen" to be the shepherds. And the different times and places that we find ourselves in during this journey may change our roles amidst the flock. In some circles, I am part of those being taught. In other circumstances, I find I am the teacher. Then at other times, at the same time, I am both.

I feel like...it seems that... the "elect" has changed to the "elite" of God. We have gone from being a people who have been chosen for a job in the service industry, to the people wearing the nice suits and being served. The ones chosen by God were never the elite, they were the chosen to show the world who the One True God really is. That is all! That is the whole point of this life. We are to become one with our Lord so that others can see Him through us.

It is within every person to have a desire to worship. Why do we find in Exodus 34:17 God instructing His people to Not worship images like we find in chapter 32? Because He knows that we must worship, but we also must see that which we worship. God is calling us to be beings made in His own image so that other people can see Him as they look at us. We are not to be worshiped, for we are not the elite. We are to be seeking Him so much that His love for others is felt through our lives. And we are to be set apart from others who are living that same way. Many atheist, Buddhist, Hindu's, ect... show love, but we are to be different by the name we bear. We are called according to His purpose and this is to show the world the True King. He paid our ransom to the one who held us captive. He conquered our enemy by conquering death, our ultimate fear.

Now, my final question is where do we see ourselves in this walk with our Lord? We can look at our life and see our call. Are we in this walk as a new believer who isn't yet in a position to teach?  Have we lived our lives as part of the flock, but never felt the courage to step out and become more? Are we feeling the intense reverberation booming within to share with others who He is, not because we are the elite, but because we are part of the elect? Oh how exciting it is for me to hear differently something I've heard a thousand times! Are you part of His flock? Are you part of His called? Can you hear the difference? I think I finally can.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, "Called By God"

One Ruler, God at War

What a time of learning and trying to discover my way in this new life. The past 6 months have been a whirlwind for us all..... Here is a list of some things that have happened.

July
*sold and bought our home
*packed our home of 12 years
*finally passed my real estate exam!

August
*moved
*boys private school closed 2 weeks before school was to start-- the scramble for their education began

September
*California for another Adult Stem Cell therapy for MS
*start homeschooling the boys, with help of a tutor
*stop leading the college/young adult ministry at church
*start going to real estate office 3 x week

With many more things in daily life (ie... flight for life my father-in-law to Denver again, still going to Crested Butte, 30 minutes away for care taking second homes at least once a week) and trying to adjust to my new roles, I haven't felt like I've had much time to myself in order to acclimate to life. Learning to breathe again as I walk out this new pathway, trying to keep relationships that I had previously built, figuring out my new work expectations, having my children home all day with/without me, and feeling heavy burdens about leaving the ministry (but trying to help my young adults know that I still love them). So, so many changes! But with changes, there were many things that did not change, I just had to reconfigure my time and fit them into my daily life.

During this very hectic time I also read a new book, God at War by Gregory A. Boyd. This book was a hard start for me, but a few chapters/months in I started learning to look at God and spiritual warfare more perceptively. My time, my circumstances, my responsibilities, my health, and my relationships they are all parts of my life that can drive me into chaos and despair. There is another aspect of our lives that we often overlook or casually pass by without giving it the proper understanding, for we are focused on the moment. We are in a constant battle in the spiritual realm. There are oppressors wanting our allegiance. I battle with this daily. The gods at war within my home, my sanctuary, asking me to bow down before them, to give them my peace.  They are forever following me, trying to take control.

It has now been 6 months of trying to breathe as I run. As I look outside at the freshly falling snow with the deer walking by my window I listen to my son breathe, with legs swaying as he does his school work. I can hear the other activities of my home coming from the floor above me and I settle on the issue at hand, there is a battle for my peace, for my allegiance. I can either tell myself that it is God constantly testing me (which may be true) or I can see that there are many adversaries who come against us all in the battle for our obedience.

Our salvation is a function of Christ's exalted lordship, and His lordship is a function of His victory over, and now enthronement above, all "rule and authority and power and dominion, and above every name that is named" (Eph 1:21). We are allowed by God's grace to share in the cosmic victory Christ has accomplished through the cross. There is quite literally a new King on the throne. And all who will simply acknowledge this kingship have a share in His gracious kingdom, and even in His powerful authority over opposing forces...

Have you ever thought of the different kingdoms of the medieval times. I can see in my minds eye one ruler over an entire area, but within that area are different smaller kingdoms with lords and dukes that seemed to rule. If you lived within the walls of a keep and never ventured outside, you may think that the lord who ruled over you was the true King. However, in reality, he was not. He was only a small ruler within a larger kingdom. This is how it is with Christ. He is the true King, but within His kingdom there have been many other lords who have tried to rule over us with the intent of gaining our obedience... Some gain our obedience by stealing our peace and making us bow down to our emotions. This is the lord that often tries to rule over me... They try and trick us into believing their lie that they are the true king and there is no one else.

Our ultimate fear is death and this is where Jesus came in and established His Lordship forever. Now it is up to us to accept His rule and not bow down to the smaller atrocities that come against us in life. We are to keep our peace and learn to battle against what is coming against us, not succumb to its terror. Moment by moment I am constantly having to retrain my focus. Someone else is coming against me. It's not just Me, but powers rulers and authorities that are trying to gain my obedience. Whom will I bow down to? Who will rule my life?

If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do. James 1:5-8

I do not want to be unstable or double minded. I want my actions to reflect what I believe. I believe in the One True God. Please God, let my actions reflect what I believe. Keep me strong so that I can win this small battle. Help me to focus my attention in the right way, on You. Help me to be stable and strong. Help me to learn to breathe even in the chaos of life. I love You my Father, thank You

The Mountains in the Distance

I received this sweet email this morning from a man who inspires me.  We all need these people on our lives, so I thought it time to share mine with you....

Jenny--

I just re-read your blog -- it has been a hectic busy time since leaving CB, so I haven't been able to write back.  I did try on the blog itself but then seemed to lose it in the ether when I thought I was saving it to your blog section.  I hate losing words just by hitting a wrong key.

Anyway, you are so right and as usual so inspiring about pressing on through failure.  I do not think you have to be ruled by never letting failure stop you, even in front of your children.  My father was incredibly successful in public service, going so far as to be a Deputy Director of the CIA, but he did not succeed always...yet he was a person of such high personal character that he was respected by everyone and an inspiration to two generations who followed him.  And he did not let one failure stop him...he kept on.  I do not think "failure" is the right word in most cases and certainly not where anything you do or try is concerned. Lack of success is a better description, as failure is way too harsh a word...after all, nobody thinks of a climber as a failure simply because they do not make it up a peak.  It took me five tries to make it up Mount Wilson, and three to get up Capitol Peak when I did it the second time.

I was so inspired by my father, because he was always "right" in his motivation and guiding principles.  He   was a person of Jesus or a true part of what I hope and believe God stands for or is -- without ever having to mention either of their names, let alone invoke their names or even set foot in church on any regular basis.

I cannot help but believe that you will always be an inspiration to your children...even if it takes ten attempts to pass that real estate test...or even if the goal eludes you.  Of course, it will not elude you.  You will pass it, and it will mean so much when you do.

You blog is so good because you have let loose your frustration with "failure"; others, me included, can relate to it.  There is God's purpose in everything, even lack of success in something where hard work and perseverance deserve a better outcome.  There is an old English saying, by someone famous I believe, "It's an ill wind that blows no good." And the good in what you are upset about is that you have tried so hard.  It is easy to do easy things; you are not doing an easy thing.  You are not doing something that is easy for you. It is your own personal "Mount Everest".  No one can fail to admire that.


This was his email to me. This next part is from a whole inspirational collective that I have previously written... Please be inspired! Oh, and I passed my test! Took me 4 tries, but that 4th one I PASSED! :)

The Mountains in the Distance

He is a small older man who walks not with a normal walking cane, but with his hiking poles that once helped to propel him up towering mountain passes.  His hands are beginning to turn as arthritis is taking its swing.  As he travels through his small apartment that is beaming with bright colors of yellow and red his oxygen tubing travels with him. He can take you on the most inspiring adventures as he pulls up photos from peaks of mountains to valleys probably never looked upon by another person.  His photos speak volumes as you climb the small staircase that rises to his garage apartment and gaze through his eyes upon peaks covered in snow and dusted with clouds. As another picture of a small Asian child sitting in a boat catches your eye, you must ask, Who is this man?  

He is not a poor man, but a man who has grown up drinking fine bottles of wine that came from his own vineyards.  His daughters live abroad and were married in his castle, a true princess wedding. But now what does he do when he can barely climb the stairs in his garage apartment where he has come for so many years in order to escape into the mountains?

His words...

The Universe Turned Upside Down

It is late on the overnight flight home from San Francisco,

And a fragment of Mahler’s Eighth Symphony,

Unexpected on airline headphones,

Has me pause from restless half sleep

To think instead of trying to hold

The excitement and promise of years

Now gone four decades and more,

Tempered by the momentary return

Of their companions – uncertainty, pain, and doubt.

How can I accept that being young

Exists now only in my mind ?

Why am I so torn

When others, outwardly at least,

Seem unconcerned

That those years of starlight and storm

Are gone forever ?...”

                                                                                  Written on United Flight 792

                                                                                  San Francisco to Washington, DC

                                                                                  November 3-4, 2010

My sweet friend, he gives me such inspiration.  Yes, there are years that he cannot reach out and touch anymore; years of friendship and love, of travels and adventures.  His journey has been filled to the brim with great adventures, but his thirty plus surgeries have tried to bind him in chains; chains that never stopped him, but chains that left him with another mountain to climb.

His poetic reference as he thinks of yet another surgery...

“Bounded by the movement of my eyes in a head firmly secured.  

The reach of my voice, and the range of my left arm only.

And yet, outside that terror is the person those faces must see

As I must be-a smile, banter, hope, and determination

To climb a mountain higher than I’ve climbed before,

With bravery shown but masking its complete absence,

Amidst the thunderclaps of dependence, the fear of abandonment.

And the unfamiliar unknown…”  

Did you see it? And yet, outside that terror is the person those faces must see… a smile, banter, hope, and determination. After waking up from surgery and discovering that his arm and shoulder were paralyzed my friend thought not of the despair he felt underneath, but of how to be brave despite it, to take it as one more challenge to overcome, not a challenge that would overcome him.  His thoughts are directed to his daughter and the joy of her new engagement, his family and friends that he must be strong for are what push him to new heights.  Inside he is full of his own terror and pain, but he is Gallant as he climbs this most difficult climb that will leave him Learning to do again the tasks once so simple and easy.      

Now he is inspiring! Don’t you just love people like this.  People who make you want to be a better person. People who live life, not without fear, but live in spite of it.    His example to live through the pain inspires me to LIVE! Don’t you just love him!  Don’t you want to live better today through the difficulties you come against? Don’t you just want to rise to the occasion now that you know of my friend!

He is inspirational for me, not because of his next great adventure, but because of his peaks of joy that he conquers and climbs on a daily basis. He helps me to keep my moans at bay and this helps me accomplish my own day. I see my grandmother in his hands. I love bent and distorted fingers, for those are where I found true love.  Fond memories that are kept alive through another’s willingness to live joyfully.  I want to live like my friend.  I want to see life through the eyes of a true sufferer who knows how to overcome. For his example helps me live better today, so that I can see a tomorrow.  To live gallantly and to help others do the same, this is a grand adventure indeed. 

FAILED

Sometimes I just want to give up. I actually struggle with this feeling often. My natural self wants things to happen around me with little or no effort. I want to see quick results. I want to live with success as my witness, but all too often it is my failure that highlights my life. For example, I have been studying to get my broker license for quite some time now. My husband wants me to join him in his business and be in his office with him selling real estate and helping him with his many other property management jobs. So two years ago I started studying. Now this is a very long time to study for real estate. Most people think that I started this one year ago, or even just six months ago, But no. I've been studying hard for two years now! The first year was a complete flop. With my struggles with MS, my brain does not retain information correctly... or really even at all. So the first year I spent reading the entire real estate book highlighting every word that I felt I should remember, but obviously couldn't. Then with my Stem Cell Therapy my brain seemed to recover. This past year has been spent more with feelings of accomplishment rather than the many tear filled study sessions of the previous year. But now it's crunch time. There are two parts to the exams. I passed the State portion, but have taken the National portion two times now with FAILED written across the page. I spend my days in my office with my door closed staring at my computer taking tests from 9am till I pick the boys up at 3:30. I study hard and FAILED is my result! FAILED is the text I must send out to others who know I am taking my test. FAILED is my results of my hard work. FAILED is what I see. FAILED FAILED FAILED

Joseph has been my reading since my last FAILED attempt. A boy with a dream. A dream that caused his brothers to despise him even more (Genesis 37). As I have been reading these past ten chapters through Genesis following Joseph's life of FAILED attempts I am encouraged to see the bigger picture, but in order to see it I cannot stop with chapter 38, or even 46. I must keep reading so that I can understand better the bigger picture and that does not come chapters later, but many books and many lives later. This is a very big picture that we are all a part of and if I can keep my eyes upon the bigger picture, then my life does not seem quite so overwhelming. The test in front of me is just another day that I cannot give up upon. The test in front of me is just another example that I must live out in front of my children, in front of my little world. In chapter 45 Joseph starts to console his very distraught brothers who feel they have just witnessed their upcoming execution. 

“I am Joseph, your brother, whom you sold into slavery in Egypt. But don’t be upset, and don’t be angry with yourselves for selling me to this place. It was God who sent me here ahead of you to preserve your lives. This famine that has ravaged the land for two years will last five more years, and there will be neither plowing nor harvesting. God has sent me ahead of you to keep you and your families alive and to preserve many survivors. So it was God who sent me here, not you! And He is the one who made me an adviser to Pharaoh—the manager of his entire palace and the governor of all Egypt."

The hardest part of being me is the fact that I tell everyone everything about myself. It is so hard because I have to live out my life knowing full well that EVERYONE knows what I am doing. But this is the part that also helps me to keep going. I cannot fool myself into giving up and live with the thought that "no one will know anyways." Because even if no one else knows, my boys know and they are watching the example that I am living out in front of them. They are learning from me how to either give up or get up. I want them to be men of honor, men of integrity. So I must keep going! They are part of my bigger picture. How I affect their lives now for the future men they are to become rests on me never allowing FAILED to over power my life now. 

Joseph is part of a bigger picture that leads us directly to the Christ. And His story is part of my bigger story through my boys. This life and what we are each going through really is not about just the test that is set in front of us now. We are each a part of a bigger story that affects our lives for generations to come. Books, chapters, pages that are being written as we live out our FAILED attempt and our accomplishments. But all too often those most important chapters are those that seem to highlight the FAILED adventures that teach us and others to keep going and to never give up. What is our dream? What is it that seems too big  for us to maneuver that is upon us now? Can we see past the test in front of us so that we can focus on the bigger picture we are a part of? Test number three is upon me in less than 2 weeks. May I live out my life in front of my boys so that they may push through their own FAILED attempts and become mighty men of God in the final chapter of their children's lives. For really this test is not too big for me to give up that easily now is it.

Every day Oswald Chambers My Utmost for His Highest

The Enemy Living with You

“For my people have done two evil things:
They have abandoned me—
the fountain of living water.
And they have dug for themselves cracked cisterns
that can hold no water at all!" Jeremiah 2:13

As I look upon my life and the lives of those that I know, I am often in wonder at how we have done exactly this. We expect things, others, this world to fill us. Only to discover that we ourselves have become cracked cisterns that can hold no water.

What if your enemy resides right in your own home? What if that enemy is the one that lays next to you at night? Dietrich Bonhoffer points us to the love of Christ for our enemies. In the New Testament our enemies are those who harbor hostility against us...And who needs our love more than those who are consumed with hatred and are utterly devoid of love? 

I have recently been reading the book Love and Respect by Eggerichs. Now I have no doubt that this book has saved, benefited countless marriages, but honestly, I am not a fan. I like to read books that are going to help me understand my Lord better. I like these books because if I can understand His love more, then maybe, I can learn to love more like He loves. I do not like books that take my focus and point it more toward a person or a situation and this is what most "self help" books do. And besides in Love and Respect Eggerich is constantly making a point that you are living with a spouse that is wanting to work with you and has "good will for you". What if you are married to someone who does not have good will toward you? (Now don't go extreme on me! I'm not talking to someone who is in a dangerous situation. The Israelites ran from their bondage in Egypt and sometimes this is what we must do.) Anyways...

What are we supposed to do then?

Bonhoffer lived in a time with true enemies at hand. He points us to Christ and His love for us. ...the more bitter our enemy's hatred, the greater his need of love... Am I asked how this love is to behave? Jesus gives the answer: bless, do good, and pray for your enemies without reserve and without respect of persons... without hypocrisy and with utter sincerity... We are not to imagine that this is to condone evil; such a love proceeds from strength rather than weakness, from truth rather than fear, and therefore it cannot be guilty of the hatred of another. And who is to be the object of such love, if not those whose hearts are stifled with hatred?

Each of us are called to work out our own salvation. We are living this life and we must keep our focus. Christ never said it would be easy, but love is the only way we can keep those bitter roots from taking hold. When we can keep our focus on Christ and His ever present love for us, then maybe we can give that love to others. Maybe we can see their true hearts and instead of taking their sickness personally, we can love Christ enough that we can endure into our own healing path. I cannot abandon my God ever again and I know that if I focus on others my cistern will be cracked and nothing/no one will ever be able to fill it. 

Jesus says, "be like Me."  We are each called to be His representatives in our own realm of influence.  If we are looking to Him for our living water, then hopefully we can then go and be like Him. 

Valentines

Valentines is almost here. Stores are stocked and our local grocery store looks more like a florist with the entrance stuffed full of flowers, balloons, and candy. Pink and red are the colors for the season. I am often amazed by this season. I love seeing all the different things that have arrived. As many get up much hope in what they are expecting, I am blown away if I get more than just a card. But really, I think I mainly get that because Jason usually takes our boys to get something. Honestly, it isn't that big of a deal for me. I never really have been that needy in the area of valentines. Don't get me wrong, it isn't because I don't like it. It really doesn't have much to do with me at all. Lets take a quick jump then come back soon.

Genesis 4, Adam and Eve have had some children who are now old enough to work. "Abel became a shepherd, while Cain cultivated the ground. When it was time for the harvest, Cain presented some of his crops as a gift to the Lord. Abel also brought a gift—the best portions of the firstborn lambs from his flock. The Lord accepted Abel and his gift, but he did not accept Cain and his gift. This made Cain very angry, and he looked dejected."

Why was Cain's gift unaccepted while Abel's was? Really take pause and look. "Cain presented some, Abel also brought a gift—the best" 

It is about their hearts. It appears that Cain just went out into the fields to grab some of what he had. It wasn't really part of his heart, but more like an appeasement. Abel on the other hand brought his best. He knew what he had and brought his most precious part. 

In marriage I think this is where we can see the heart of God the most for us. It is this day, supposedly set aside just for Him. Many of us show up and put a check mark in our calendar saying that we did our deed for that week. We try and appease God by our going to church, or whatever it is that we do. But what He wants is our heart. He wants us to go out and find Him the best of what we have. Not that He is needy or insecure, but that He wants our whole heart. An appeasement offering is never sufficient. And it really isn't just about a certain day either, but about our life. We are to seek relationship with Him everyday.  

Now back to Jason and Valentines day. Every day Jason gives me more. When he has been at work all day, he still comes home and helps me with the boys and the dinner. I give him my best too. Every Saturday is not really a play day, but a cleaning house day. Jason gets out the whip and drives the children to clean more. He is not sitting back barking orders, but leading our family by example. We give our best that each of us has, each day. But Saturdays are an all in family affair. Now this does not mean that each day is a fairy land. We are human and some days seem more like a refugee camp and we are just trying to survive, but for the most part each day we each try our best for each other, for our family. Giving up and wallowing in self want is never an option for true happiness. 

“Why are you so angry?” the Lord asked Cain. “Why do you look so dejected? You will be accepted if you do what is right. But if you refuse to do what is right, then watch out! Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be its master.”

This life is hard. When we discover that what we have given isn't enough, we often feel angry, put out, dejected, and disrespected. However, I don't think it is because we have truly given our best, but that we have only really given some, and then we have been called out on our offering of appeasement. I do not want an appeasement offering. I'll call your bluff if that is what you expect me to accept. I want your heart. I want your whole gift, selected carefully. But if it is just about a certain day, save your money. For I am not that easily appeased. I truly believe this is just one day set aside that shows that relationship we have with our God. Our marriages are supposed to be a direct reflection of our relationship we each are to have with our God. Are we giving Him our whole heart everyday? Or are we bringing Him an appeasement offering on a certain day that has been set aside that He is rejecting because He can see our true hearts?

Today's Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest is very good. Is Your Mind Stayed on God

Sometimes our best really doesn't look like much, but its all we have at that moment. And that is ok. But I don't want to live in that place. I want others to want more from me.... for me. Don't you?!

Surround Sound

Have you ever sat in a surround sound theater when one of the speakers were louder than the others. Surround sound is meant to work together. The speakers are made to each project a different, but equally important sound of what you are meant to hear. If there is only one speaker working at your left side you can miss a very important whisper that may have been intended to come from your right. As we are watching our lives playing out in front of us, are we listening from one side of our theater about who our God seems to be, or are we looking and willing to hear the surround sound of a Grand, Magnificent, and Loving God? Who is God to you? What have we been taught about the atonement of Christ?  Do we see God as the big bully in the sky, just waiting for us to make a mistake? Do we see the God of creation breathing life into existence? Do we see the Exodus, a God who hears the cry of His people and comes to their rescue?

"If Jesus Christ really did rise from the dead, everything else is just Rock-N-Roll," NT Wright.

In saying that, these are just another look at the theory of Atonement. Jesus Christ is Lord. God is our Savior. Nothing there changes, but what may change is our look on God, our look on life, our look at others. The most important part of our journey through life is that we learn to love and forgive, that we learn to live openly in truth. That we learn His love and forgiveness so that we can do a better job at this ourselves. He has commissioned us to go into the world and share with others who He is. We need to have a better understanding of Him so that we can better love others, don't we!

Left Side.... 

Atonement is a formula A+B=C (a legal issue)

God is holy and just + We sinned + Justice must be served = Jesus became our sin so God's justice could be satisfied by punishing Jesus instead of us.

Right Side...

Atonement is a rescue mission= it is a relational issue that is a matter of the heart.

Our hearts have turned away from God. Sin is something that results from a broken heart. It is not something that is tangible, but something that is relational... Relational Infidelity

Right after I left my ex-husband, while we were still married, I went to a counselor that had always told the couples to work out their situation together. He NEVER advised divorce with the thousands of people that came to him for help with their infidelity. He never did, until I came in that is. He told me to not go back to my husband. It wasn't that my ex-husband was so bad. It was because my heart was so wrong. I did not understand what love was. I did not understand really anything about God and what He wanted for me. I couldn't love, forgive, live correctly because my heart was so broken. 

I have known other couples that have experienced much worse than I did, but their faithful spouse still remains faithful and they remain married. The difference with their marriages and mine is that the faithful spouse knows and represent the love of Christ through their life with the one they pledged their life to. Their spouse cheats, lies... basically degrades them, but they keep their focus. Their focus is on their Christ. What was His call? "Follow Me." (I am not saying that you should remain in an abusive relationship. Call the cops, get out if it need be.... But represent His love and faithfulness in the process without becoming bitter and resentful.)

As I watch others living for Christ and being His true representatives here for us to see, I see our role here on earth differently. When we are diving into God we can see through other's actions into their heart. I see innocence persecuted. I see others suffering and remaining faithful to their faithful God. I can see His faithfulness through their lives. I can see His suffering for us, through our suffering for others in the here and now. Can we hear the different speakers working? Are we settled with just having the front speakers working, or are we seeking and searching for more? I know that when we feel God to be boring or mundane, maybe it isn't Him, but we may be just hearing from one speaker. For our God will never settle for boring or mundane. One of the hardest things I have ever done, and still try to do, is that I try and be mindful of my own hearts intentions. I am not a victim. I can choose to be strong or weak, but it is my choice. I must also be ever present in the fact that others are watching me, just like I am watching, waiting to see Christ represented in our lives; how we handle suffering, pain, joy, happiness. Others are watching us. Are they seeing Christ's life living in ours? Do we know how to love in truth? Love in truth loves well for others, for ourselves and most importantly for our God.

Just a piece of a very complex puzzle ;)

Life of War

"Life without war is impossible..." (Oswald Chambers)

Do you ever get tired of the battle and just want a break. Last week my home came to a halt. My husband and oldest son had the flu. I was afraid I was going to get it as well, then the entire house would be quarantined and no one would be able to think, much less take care of the sick. One night I called in for back up/reinforcement/help, "Mom do you want to come stay with us?" She jumped and was here the very next day. She arrived with all of her herbs, needles, and books. We were going to war. Each of us were treated differently, but for the same reason. Jason had a very high fever and chills. Eric had a fever that ended up affecting his ear. William and I were given herbs to help block any incoming attacks and our bodies remained strong while the others battled to recover. Each one of us were on a healing path and when my mom's tonics were still not driving the evil out, she called our acupuncture friend here in town for other unknown properties she may have. Finally, my home is at peace.

"Health is the balance between the physical parts of my body and all the things and forces surrounding me. To maintain good health I must have sufficient internal strength to fight off the things that are external.... Morality is the same. Anything that does not strengthen me morally is the enemy of virtue within me... But we must fight to be moral. Morality does not happen by accident; moral virtue is acquired" (The law of opposition)

N.T. Write gives this example in his talk After you believe: why Christian character matters, If you go to the hospital to visit a very sick friend, you may say to yourself, "They are just a shadow of their former self. But if we are in Christ, we are a shadow or our future self." Our goal, our longing is to know Him more so that we can better reflect Him and who we are to become through Him. Our future self in Christ is but the shadow we see here. This is why our character matters. This is why we must always be facing His light. Anyone can learn a vice. It is in living with no purpose and no goal that we venture into the world unprepared for battle and discover that we have been grabbed by a vice. We no longer are free, but trapped by a hidden snare that we walked into freely. Virtue is the opposite. Virtue is doing what we must in the small things so that when it really counts we are prepared and can land smoothly without any casualties along the way.

"And spiritually it is also the same. Jesus said, 'In the world you will have tribulation...' (John 16:33). This means that anything that is not spiritual leads to my downfall. Jesus went on to say, '... but be of good cheer, I have over come the world.'"(O. C.) He also told us to be born again and follow Him. 

When a baby is born we do not expect it to be full of knowledge and able to run. No, it is cradled and carried for quite some time. Then as she grow she gets her strength. She begins her life of adventure and discovery. It is the same with people who have been baptized\born again. They are not supposed to just have everything together. We are in a state of constant growth and development. There have been studies on taxi drivers that show how their brains are in a growth process. As they use the part of the brain called hippocampus, the part that coordinates spacial reasoning, this area is significantly larger than most. They have developed over time and become a new person. We are to develop over time. We are to become a new person. We are to become more like our future self. Be patient with yourself. I must be willing to allow myself time. But in this time I must keep my focus clear so that I do not become trapped by a vice. We must be strong in character, developing more and more each day with purpose and strength. 

"When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.
Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love."

1 Corinthians 13:11

Love is not our duty, but our destiny! Our greatest command...

Deeds of the Heart

"....Now someone may argue, 'Some people have faith; others have good deeds.' But I say, 'How can you show me your faith if you don’t have good deeds? I will show you my faith by my good deeds.'...” James 2:14-26

We have gotten things so out of line in our Christian teachings. I grew up with the thought that I needed to be good for God to save me. Not that that is what I was told, but that is what I heard through my young hearts understanding. The hell and brimstone approach was not working for me. "Live good and you'll go to heaven. Be bad and you'll be punished, possibly right to hell." Then there is also the other approach, "You can do anything you like. God loves you and He doesn't care how you live." Is there a balance? Why does it seem that God loves "sinners" till they are saved, then He expects them to change and be perfect? Or the other, that He doesn't expect anything from us, but Jesus does it all and He doesn't care how we live now?

When I started to have a better understanding of God and His love, I started to respond differently to life. When scripture talks about your deeds, it isn't to earn anything.  I don't live differently to make God love me or to earn my salvation. I live differently to "thank Him." I live differently so others can see Him through my life.  Not that I live perfectly now, but everything I do, I try and put Him first in my actions. I try and be a good representative of Him.

I have no doubt that others have been offended by me, don't like me, think I do not do a good job in this or that. My initial reaction is usually not the appropriate reaction. I must take a moment and let Christ have His way with my heart. I'm judgmental and give up very easily on others. If I do not see a change of actions on their part, I give up on them and assume they'll never change. That is my first response. My hope is that others do not see my response, but that they see His response through me. I pray that He opens my heart and eyes to them, so that I can see Him working (no matter what they are doing). 

"It is a trap to presume that God wants to make us perfect specimens of what He can do- God's purpose to to make us one with Himself." Oswald Chambers, Christian Perfection

Do you see what I see? It's not about "them!" It's about me and my relationship with my God and how I respond to life. Do I allow Him to lead me and take control of my heart? Do I love Him when I am sick? Do I lean upon Him when I am well? 

"Oh God, help me to see you better today. Help me to respond with your love as I encounter your people. Help me to not judge with my eyes and let me have your heart. You are a good God and I am so thankful for Your jealous love for me. Help us Lord to live a life that responds to Your love for us with a thankful life response. Help us to live differently today. Help us to be a good representative for you in our work, in our home. Help us to love in truth, in Your truth. Thank You my Lord. In Jesus name, Amen."

Experiential Relevance

Do you ever ask the question, "Why do I believe what I believe?" And if we do ask ourselves this, then what is the answer we come up with? And is there any way to test this "belief"?

Ravi Zacharias gives us three tests for truth:

Logical Consistency- Are there any contradictions found in what we believe?

Empirical Adequacy- Does it have verifiable observations, practical experience/facts you can use in court?

Experiential Relevance- Does it work in real life?

These are the three truth tests, that I am not going to get into, but we all need to be familiar with. In our nights at LIVE we have been discussing these three applications. We cannot just come back with an answer of "your wrong, I'm right." We need to have communication skills when we visit about our faith and evidence to back it up with. We must be respectful of others and allow them to talk freely. But here I like to focus on Experiential Relevance. This is where we all have practical application, even if we do not realize it.

Last night we started our conversation with "suffering". On November 5 in Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, he discusses suffering. Now there are many different ways of suffering. I have suffered because of choices that I have made and I have suffered because of things that happened to me that were not part of my own fault at all. But they both fall under the title of "suffering." I have told my group for years now, "I wouldn't take any of it away." And I wouldn't! Now do not get me wrong. I do not like it when I am suffering. I wallow and I cry and beg God to take it away. But after the suffering is lifted I can see where my heart was led and for that reason alone I wouldn't change a thing. Every bit of my suffering has taken me back to God. This journey has been a life path for me to find my Lord. A journey that He has been in full knowledge from the beginning. Time for a story...

When I was a little girl, my family would camp at Lodgepole camp ground on the Taylor River in Gunnison Colorado. Right at the bend in the road stood an aspen tree that my father carved my initials JS. For years that tree stood. My husband also vacationed near Gunnison in a little mining town above Taylor reservoir called Tin Cup. My tree was his marker that "he was almost there" on his long drive from Oklahoma. When we met twenty years later the tree was removed because of some road construction. But we were both "there." Not that our journey was so that we would find each other, but that we would have a better understanding of God and His ways.

On November 7 of Oswald Chambers we read about The Undetected Sacredness of Circumstances. This is one of my hardest life lessons to learn from. Through all of my suffering, through all of my life experiences did God make me suffer? Did He wave His magic wand and wish bad for me? ...there is no such thing as chance. God by His providence brings you into circumstances that you can’t understand at all, but the Spirit of God understands. God brings you to places, among people, and into certain conditions to accomplish a definite purpose through the intercession of the Spirit in you.

God does not choose for me to hurt myself in my choices that I make.  But He does choose for me to always be able to see Him, often in hindsight, through the road that I have traveled and for me to see that He has always been there.  From the time that I was a little girl, God was with me.  I can see it in the tree that Jason and I were a part of.  Again, not so that I would find him, but that I would find Him.  It was through my suffering that I have discovered that I turned more toward God.  It was through my suffering that I found more relationship with the Christ and discovered that He relates to us through His suffering.  And the tie that bind's all of us together, is the travels through suffering that we all are a part of. 

This very small example is of experiential relevance in my own life. Can you see yours?  What is it in your life that you can point to Him and say, "But God..." Through the three tests of truth, if you still do not want faith, if you choose to not believe, no one can convince you. Often it is not about our will to believe that we struggle with.  Many times it is our will to disbelieve. When I begin to struggle and doubt, I turn to the three tests. My personal experience speaks loudest to my heart. But if I am determined to go my own way about something, I find that I can rely on unbelief to justify what I am doing. We all have faith in something. Even if we express it as, "I have no faith in anything. I don't even have faith in myself. Faith cannot be proven and I have no idea where I will end up." That statement is a statement of faith. You are putting your faith in the arena of agnosticism. This seems like a safe place, but in the end it leaves us with a feeling of unfulfillment. We are impotent in our life and have no meaning or mystery.  It is the mystery that keeps us looking.  It is the mystery of God that keeps us hungering for more.   It is the suffering of the cross that ties us all together and the majesty in mystery that keeps us hungering for more.

  

A Woman Called Mary

"As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, He came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to Him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what He said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” (Luke 10:38-42)

I've grown up listening to teachings on the story of Martha and Mary.  They have all been the same; Mary was at Jesus feet being good while Martha was busy running around and getting the dinner ready.  Martha needed to slow down and see that she needed to be more attentive to Jesus and not so concerned about getting the things ready. This interpretation has never sat easy within my heart. The story of Martha and Mary needed more for me.  Several years ago I heard Beth Moore teach on this and my new world of understanding started to open. Lets give it a shot...

There is an interesting word choice here "Martha.... her sister called Mary." Most of us think of Jesus' mother Mary when we hear this name which means beloved. But I want to point out the wording in, why is she "called Mary"?  If she was called Mary, maybe this means that her name was really something different. Why was she called Mary? If you look up the root meaning of Mary we see that the name is derived from the Hebrew Miryam meaning Sea of bitterness, sea  of sorrow. Now this gives a new spin on things.

There have been years of my life where I felt the call of God to teach, to share my story for others, but what I have really been needing to do is to sit at Jesus feet for I was Mary.  In Oswald Chambers on October 10 we see that our relationship with God is always given, but our obedience is what allows us to hear Him.  These years of getting up early in order to spend time with my Christ have been years of sitting at His feet in order to heal my broken and bitter heart. Just now another piece has been healed so that I am slowly progressing to the faith of Martha as we see in John 11. Lazarus, Mary and Martha's brother, has been dead for four days.  When Martha hears of Jesus' arrival she runs to him and says, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask.” Her brother was dead, but even then she still believes. Mary did not have the same reaction.  

Jesus had to send for Mary and when she, (looked at Him through yet another disappointment... through yet another person letting her down... through her bitter and broken heart...) she said, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” 

And "Jesus wept." Maybe he wept for their pain. He knows our pain. He know that with our limited vision and understanding that we hurt and suffer, but maybe he hurt more for Mary because she still had so little faith in Him. Maybe He cried more for a wound of distrust that has been placed on our hearts.  Maybe He is asking us to have patience with Him as He has with us.  Maybe, just maybe, we need to sit at His feet a little longer in order for our wounds to be healed so that we can see the miracles in front of us. Maybe, we give up on our God way too soon.

In Oswald on October 12 we see, "It is painful work to get in step with God and to keep pace with Him— it means getting your second wind spiritually. In learning to walk with God, there is always the difficulty of getting into His stride, but once we have done so, the only characteristic that exhibits itself is the very life of God Himself. The individual person is merged into a personal oneness with God, and God’s stride and His power alone are exhibited... He has different ways of doing things, and we have to be trained and disciplined in His ways... He has different ways of doing things, and we have to be trained and disciplined in His ways."

It took Moses forty years of living and learning in the desert, alone with God, before he was ready to lead God's people for another forty years through their own desert experience.  In this world we have times of hurt and times that seem like our Christ is silent. But we must never give up on Him, for this is when He weeps.  We keep moving forward and looking to Him. When others see you, do they see Mary? Do they see a wounded, bitter, rebellious broken heart? Are we giving ourselves time to heal or are we giving up on Christ? Do we trust Him? Martha is in a place of health and trust... I want to be Martha, but I want to see others as Christ saw the one called Mary. I want to be patient with them and allow Him to work on their hearts while they heal in their desert of wounds.

Insensitivity to Pain

Have you ever wanted this life to be painless? I have. I have wanted to go through life with no pain at all. Life hurts and that makes things hard, but I've heard of something that makes life harder, CIPA, congenital insensitivity to pain. It is a rare genetic disorder that prevents a person from feeling any amount of severe pain. They can feel warmth, but not severe heat; cold, but not severe cold. They can feel a pin prick, but not a knife spear. As I have read about this genetic disorder, I can be more grateful for the blessings of pain in my life. I am also more aware of how I have tried to shut my receptors off so that I did not hurt nearly as bad. We seem to all do this to some accord. We do not want to see life for how it truly is, so we hide behind something. Anything.

"Don’t you remember how you used to just exist? Corpses, dead in life,buried by transgressions,  wandering the course of this perverse world. You were the offspring of the prince of the power of air—oh, how he owned you, just as he still controls those living in disobedience. I’m not talking about the outsiders alone; we were all guilty of falling headlong for the persuasive passions of this world; we all have had our fill of indulging the flesh and mind, obeying impulses to follow perverse thoughts motivated by dark powers. As a result, our natural inclinations led us to be children of wrath, just like the rest of humankind.
But God, with the unfathomable richness of His love and mercy focused on us, united us with the Anointed One and infused our lifeless souls with life..." (Ephesians 2:1-4).

It seems as though I have walked through life wanting to avoid any pain, but do we ever really stop and think that maybe there is a gift in pain.  Ashlyn is a young girl who feels no pain.  Her family is in constant awareness that Ashlyn is in an ever present danger.  Her mother's constant prayer for her daughter is that she will be able to feel pain.  As a child, children with CIPA are self mutilators. They chew off their tongue, break bones without knowing it, put their hands in fire without feeling the effects.  This list of self mutilation continues until the children grow older and are taught to see the effects.  They do not know that jumping off of a roof can hurt/kill them and often, especially for boys, it is too late when they find out.  Life is very complicated without the guidance of pain.

Our youth and young adults are getting bombarded with the lies that "pain is bad." They are being taught to shut down some of their receptors that they are born with and live a life of self-mutilation. "Go and have sex with whomever you choose," they are told. "You need to experiment and see what is out there.... drink, smoke, who cares? As long as your not hurting anyone else it is fine." We are no longer teaching them to empathize, have sympathy for others, or to look at what they are doing to their hearts. We are teaching them to "do it again", until there is no feeling left. This is a glorious life of meaning, but it is not without tears.  It is hard to set aside those instant impulses of desire and look at what is truly best for us.  However, there is another side.  

Some of us live in the lie of self condemnation.  We take everything to the extreme of self judgement and feel the burden of imperfection. We feel responsible for every little infraction that occurs around us and walk around with gloom on our shoulders.  We have allowed fear to keep us from experiencing life.  We look at the "Ashlyn's" around us and secretly want a piece of their life.  They seem to have daringly gone out and experienced life.  We focus on their stories and want their adventures without pain. Painless seems good until we discover what it has taken for them to get to where they are. It is in looking closely that we can see, that seemingly protected heart is only a fragment left of a heart that has been plundered and ripped until their is only a callous left of its broken piece.  Neither extreme is a life lived, but "corpses, dead in life, buried by transgressions, wandering the course of this perverse world." Jesus did not come so that the bad would be good, but so that the dead shall live.  

We are all in the need of a Savior. We have a tendency to focus our attention to the "bad" and try to make them "good."  Is this fair?  I see "good" people walking around all of the time as dead corpses because they have no joy, but rules in this life. They have been afraid of others, and what they think. Neither extreme is good.  We need to be able to look at life and make good decisions for ourselves that bring good consequences, but we need to be able to have the right heart in this. I have changed my desires, because I have fallen in love with my life, because I have fallen in love with my Lord.  It is not because of pain, it has its place, but it is not the reason.  It took me years to start feeling again. That came out of obedience, before I could feel.  The reason I live the way I do is because through others I felt the true love of Christ.  Now it is my turn.  I live as I do because He loved me first and in turn I am to live my life in love with others and in the truth that sets us all free.

"He did this for a reason: so that for all eternity we will stand as a living testimony to the incredible riches of His grace and kindness that He freely gives to us by uniting us with Jesus the Anointed." Ephesians 2:7