I love taking long drives with my husband. Trust me, yesterday was long, from Colorado to Texas. Usually the drive consists of a little sleeping; listening to music; chit chat; dealing with the boys and their TVs; and towards the end of the trip, the deep conversation begins. What can I say, it was a wonderful day, long, but wonderful. It is the only time where I have my husband's undivided attention and he has mine. Usually there is something else going on, but not in the car, and especially once we get on the flat plains of Texas.
I have been trying my best to come up with things to write about concerning marriage. I have a very easy time discussing my failures, and giving God the glory for my life now with Him. But I have difficult talking about what I have done in order to help this marriage be so wonderful. The last thing that I want to do is to come across like I think I know it all, because I know I don't. So I started asking Jason some questions, then the answers start coming. I love talking with my husband, he is so wise and I enjoy our conversations. Starting at the beginning of our success; my part was not so clear to me. I was a mess, but I knew that I must have done some things right. This is what Jason helped me to see.
We both started to "get it" about the same time. Our biggest struggle so far, was communication. I was so scared that I was going to be hurt again, and trust me, I gave him very little to be confident with as well. We were both very vulnerable and trying to hold on to our "security blankets." I never knew this until yesterday; Jason would read Ephesians 5, every week. I remember him mentioning that scripture, but I just thought he was "trying" to sound spiritual.
"you will submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. You wives will submit to your husbands as you do to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church; He gave His life for to be her Savior. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives must submit to your husbands in everything.
And you husbands must love your wives with the same love Christ showed the church. He gave up His life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by baptism and God's word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man is actually loving himself when he loves his wife... So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."
This is what we began doing; I was trying to respect my husband and he was trying to show me love. We were turning to God, and giving our spouse what they needed. I was concentrating on Jason and what he needed from me, without thinking how it was going to benefit me. He was concentrating on what God was telling him that I needed. I needed unconditional love; he needed respect. I began letting him make the decisions. I would talk with him and share my concerns, but then I would drop it and let him decide; even when it was the wrong decision. I began following him and supporting him. I did not bring up his mistakes; I gave him the freedom to decide, wright or wrong. He started loving me. He started putting away what he wanted to do and started helping me around the house and with the boys. He started talking with me and becoming intimate with me on a spiritual level.
Once we stopped thinking about ourselves and what the other person was not doing for us, we started a close relationship. Our focus was God and what He wanted from us as individuals. What was He asking Jason to do as a husband? What was He asking from me as a wife? This became our drive. God has blessed every part of our relationship, because He became the center. Once you take your mind off of yourself, God can help you see things through His eyes. "Husbands, love your wife." What does she need you to do for her? "Wife, respect your husband." Let him lead you; let him make mistakes; become his cheerleader, there is a reason for cheerleaders at men's sporting events. Become partners with God, so He can bless your marriage. You become partners with God, whether your spouse is taking the first step or if it has to be you for quite some time. Partner with God in your marriage, so that He can be honored.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Friday, December 26, 2008
Proverbs 31
I have had the opportunity, misfortune, of being in two marriages. In being in two marriages, I can see things differently and I can come from a different point of view than many others, because I have taken my past mistakes and learned from them. I would like to address the two marriages that I have been a part of, and try to help others see their role in marriage.
I truly believe that my first marriage could have been a marriage in which God was given honor. My ex-husband was very capable and had many talents. He wanted to know who Jesus was, but he had many obstacles that he needed to over come. I took the wrong approach with him, as his wife. I let him do most anything that he desired, without any regard for him or for me, much less God. I always supported him. I never stood up to him, in a godly way. With simple, little things, I agreed with him. For instance: when he was getting over weight; I never told him. When he needed a hair cut and shave; I never helped him. I never held him to a higher standard. If you do not tell someone the truth, when it is obvious, they don't just doubt you, but they doubt themselves. Instead of becoming the woman that God had intended me to become, I became this mousy, pathetic, mat. In return, he became what I created him to become. My expectations of him, were met.
I met my ex-husband in college. When we were first married, life was in front of him. He was walking with a confidence that couldn't be shattered. He had many things about him that needed more integrity, but he at least had confidence. I could very easily see the things that he needed help with, but I took a weak, subservient role with him. By the end of our marriage; he was a broken, shattered man. Of coarse, this was not all my fault, but I did my part in the destruction. In order to change, and not repeat mistakes, one must look truthfully at thyself. I was wrong in my first marriage. I was not seeking Christ and what He wanted for my life.
Proverbs 31, "Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is worth more than precious rubies. Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She will not hinder him but help him all her life... Her husband is well known, for he sits in the council meeting with the other civic leaders. ...Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the LORD will be greatly praised. Let her deeds publicly declare her praise."
In my marriage with Jason, everything about me, had to be different. I was determined, not to repeat my mistakes. While I did have many hurts and wounds to overcome, my eyes were looking to Christ and what He wanted in our life. I had learned a lot about men from my past. I had learned that they needed a challenge and that they needed to be able to conquer a task. Jason had many good qualities about him. He also had many weaknesses. I had to take on the role of the woman described in Proverbs 31, to the best of my ability. I had to be different, in order to help my husband and not hinder him.
My approach in marriage has greatly changed. I hold my husband to a very high standard, and he has far exceeded everything that I have expected. I try and help him overcome his obstacles, instead of burying them. I know that I am not the perfect wife and my husband is not the perfect husband. We work together in this marriage. Ephesians 5: 21, "And further, you will submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." Christ is the center, that we try to revolve around. As long as we are keeping Him at the center, we are working good for Him. When I take my eyes off of Christ, I become selfish and our marriage suffers. When Jason takes his eyes off of Christ, he becomes selfish and our marriage suffers. I have learned that I must take control of my life, and in order to do that, I must keep Jesus Christ as my center. It is not my husbands successes or failures that rule me; It is my LORD.
I have been a wife of little value to my husband. I have helped to destroy a marriage. I have been a wife of value to my husband. I have helped to build a wonderful partnership with my husband. Every marriage has the potential to be godly. You cannot look at only your spouse and their part in the relationship. You cannot change anyone; that is God's role. What you can do, is to look at your role, and are you living the part He has created for you. Both of my marriages had the potential for good; both had the potential for failure. I was the one that had to change. I really did not need different husbands, what I needed was Christ. I had to change.
I truly believe that my first marriage could have been a marriage in which God was given honor. My ex-husband was very capable and had many talents. He wanted to know who Jesus was, but he had many obstacles that he needed to over come. I took the wrong approach with him, as his wife. I let him do most anything that he desired, without any regard for him or for me, much less God. I always supported him. I never stood up to him, in a godly way. With simple, little things, I agreed with him. For instance: when he was getting over weight; I never told him. When he needed a hair cut and shave; I never helped him. I never held him to a higher standard. If you do not tell someone the truth, when it is obvious, they don't just doubt you, but they doubt themselves. Instead of becoming the woman that God had intended me to become, I became this mousy, pathetic, mat. In return, he became what I created him to become. My expectations of him, were met.
I met my ex-husband in college. When we were first married, life was in front of him. He was walking with a confidence that couldn't be shattered. He had many things about him that needed more integrity, but he at least had confidence. I could very easily see the things that he needed help with, but I took a weak, subservient role with him. By the end of our marriage; he was a broken, shattered man. Of coarse, this was not all my fault, but I did my part in the destruction. In order to change, and not repeat mistakes, one must look truthfully at thyself. I was wrong in my first marriage. I was not seeking Christ and what He wanted for my life.
Proverbs 31, "Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is worth more than precious rubies. Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She will not hinder him but help him all her life... Her husband is well known, for he sits in the council meeting with the other civic leaders. ...Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the LORD will be greatly praised. Let her deeds publicly declare her praise."
In my marriage with Jason, everything about me, had to be different. I was determined, not to repeat my mistakes. While I did have many hurts and wounds to overcome, my eyes were looking to Christ and what He wanted in our life. I had learned a lot about men from my past. I had learned that they needed a challenge and that they needed to be able to conquer a task. Jason had many good qualities about him. He also had many weaknesses. I had to take on the role of the woman described in Proverbs 31, to the best of my ability. I had to be different, in order to help my husband and not hinder him.
My approach in marriage has greatly changed. I hold my husband to a very high standard, and he has far exceeded everything that I have expected. I try and help him overcome his obstacles, instead of burying them. I know that I am not the perfect wife and my husband is not the perfect husband. We work together in this marriage. Ephesians 5: 21, "And further, you will submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." Christ is the center, that we try to revolve around. As long as we are keeping Him at the center, we are working good for Him. When I take my eyes off of Christ, I become selfish and our marriage suffers. When Jason takes his eyes off of Christ, he becomes selfish and our marriage suffers. I have learned that I must take control of my life, and in order to do that, I must keep Jesus Christ as my center. It is not my husbands successes or failures that rule me; It is my LORD.
I have been a wife of little value to my husband. I have helped to destroy a marriage. I have been a wife of value to my husband. I have helped to build a wonderful partnership with my husband. Every marriage has the potential to be godly. You cannot look at only your spouse and their part in the relationship. You cannot change anyone; that is God's role. What you can do, is to look at your role, and are you living the part He has created for you. Both of my marriages had the potential for good; both had the potential for failure. I was the one that had to change. I really did not need different husbands, what I needed was Christ. I had to change.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Thank you
Thank you, Jesus.
Thank you, for coming to this earth.
Thank you, for taking on life, so that we all can live.
Thank you, for living an example that we can all follow.
Thank you, for paying my debt.
Thank you, for releasing me of my slavery.
Thank you, for dying in the darkness, so I can live in the light.
Thank you, for conquering death for me.
Thank you, for sending us Your Holy Spirit, so we are never alone.
Thank you...
Thank you, for coming to this earth.
Thank you, for taking on life, so that we all can live.
Thank you, for living an example that we can all follow.
Thank you, for paying my debt.
Thank you, for releasing me of my slavery.
Thank you, for dying in the darkness, so I can live in the light.
Thank you, for conquering death for me.
Thank you, for sending us Your Holy Spirit, so we are never alone.
Thank you...
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Life in the Cross
I cannot give anyone an answer as to when I accepted Christ as my savior. I cannot tell you, if it was okay for me to live as I was living, or if I was truly turning my back on Christ and sentencing myself to death. I have always believed in Him. I have always wanted my life to be for Him. I did not understand how to live for Him. What I do know, is that I was miserable. I was selfish and I was alone. I chose to be alone, because I know He was always there waiting for me. I was not finding life in the way I was living. I thought that my relationship with my husband was all that mattered. I thought I could win him, by doing whatever he wanted me to do. I thought that what we did together in the bed room did not matter, as long as we both agreed. I thought he was my lord, he was not...
1 Thessalonians 2: 4, "Our purpose is to please God, not people. He is the one who examines the motives of our hearts." 1 Timothy 1:12, "How thankful I am to Christ Jesus our Lord for considering me trustworthy and appointed me to serve Him, even though I used to scoff at the name of Christ." I am not the judge for anyone on when they have truly turned their life over to Christ, for I cannot even figure out when the moment was that I did. I do know that I was dead in my sin, but now I live. How wonderful I feel, now that I truly am alive in Him.
I can tell you, when I finally decided to let the Holy Spirit control my life. It was Sunday, I was going to my mothers, I had an appointment with my acupuncturist on Monday. (God blessed me with Chinese medicine, in order to help my body live with MS). On the journey from Corpus Christi to Austin, I prayed fervently for God to intervene. I knew I had done everything wrong. I desperately needed Him to take over my life and lead me where He needed me. I arrived in Austin. My dad was visiting my mother, she was in school for me, he started in on me about how I needed to leave my husband. I told God that I did not want to tell my family about all that I had done. I needed more. I got it! My mother had me watch a movie called, The Hunt for the Unicorn Killer. It was my life, only I was not dead yet. She asked me point blank questions; one of them was, "was I stripping?" I couldn't keep turning God away. I surrendered and now, 7 years later, here I am. And how thankful I am.
Galatians 5:22ff, "But when the Holy Spirit controls our lives, He will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control... Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to His cross and crucified them there. If we are living now by the Holy Spirit, let us follow the Holy spirit's leading in every part of our lives. Let us not become conceited, or irritate one another, or be jealous of one another."
I truly have done nothing that I can brag about. The only thing I can take credit for, is finally waking up and listening to Him. My life is easy now, I live for Him. He has done everything for me. I can take credit for nothing. Oswald Chambers, "The great privilege of discipleship is that I can commit myself under the banner of His Cross, and that means death to sin. You must get alone with Jesus and either decide to tell Him that you do not want sin to die out in you, or that at any cost you want to be identified with His death." I am finally alive in Him.
1 Thessalonians 2: 4, "Our purpose is to please God, not people. He is the one who examines the motives of our hearts." 1 Timothy 1:12, "How thankful I am to Christ Jesus our Lord for considering me trustworthy and appointed me to serve Him, even though I used to scoff at the name of Christ." I am not the judge for anyone on when they have truly turned their life over to Christ, for I cannot even figure out when the moment was that I did. I do know that I was dead in my sin, but now I live. How wonderful I feel, now that I truly am alive in Him.
I can tell you, when I finally decided to let the Holy Spirit control my life. It was Sunday, I was going to my mothers, I had an appointment with my acupuncturist on Monday. (God blessed me with Chinese medicine, in order to help my body live with MS). On the journey from Corpus Christi to Austin, I prayed fervently for God to intervene. I knew I had done everything wrong. I desperately needed Him to take over my life and lead me where He needed me. I arrived in Austin. My dad was visiting my mother, she was in school for me, he started in on me about how I needed to leave my husband. I told God that I did not want to tell my family about all that I had done. I needed more. I got it! My mother had me watch a movie called, The Hunt for the Unicorn Killer. It was my life, only I was not dead yet. She asked me point blank questions; one of them was, "was I stripping?" I couldn't keep turning God away. I surrendered and now, 7 years later, here I am. And how thankful I am.
Galatians 5:22ff, "But when the Holy Spirit controls our lives, He will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control... Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to His cross and crucified them there. If we are living now by the Holy Spirit, let us follow the Holy spirit's leading in every part of our lives. Let us not become conceited, or irritate one another, or be jealous of one another."
I truly have done nothing that I can brag about. The only thing I can take credit for, is finally waking up and listening to Him. My life is easy now, I live for Him. He has done everything for me. I can take credit for nothing. Oswald Chambers, "The great privilege of discipleship is that I can commit myself under the banner of His Cross, and that means death to sin. You must get alone with Jesus and either decide to tell Him that you do not want sin to die out in you, or that at any cost you want to be identified with His death." I am finally alive in Him.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Salvation
I have been trying very hard, to stay focused on marriage, during these months. But I feel I must talk about something else, right now. I was raised with believing parents. They believed in God, went to church, prayed every night, but did not have a good relationship with each other. I was raised in a church that believed you had to be baptised before you could be saved. We were taught salvation through baptism, instead of a changed heart and life. So at 12 years, I got baptised. Mainly, because my grandmother was there and I wanted her to see. I did not have a change of heart, I truly had no idea what I was doing. All I knew was that if I did not get baptised, then I could not be saved. I had no idea about how to truly let God rule your life. I had no idea about the true salvation that Christ offers.
I tried to live a "good" young life, but I always had problems with sex. Not even that I was out having sex with everyone, but that I had sex with my boyfriends. I graduated from a private Christian high school. Afterwards, I went into a mission program, my boyfriend was in Ecuador and I was going to join him there. I wasn't in the program for the right reason, but I thought I could be. Some things happened, and I dropped out of the program, after just one year. (Well a counselor, who had been in the program for over 20 years, tried to take advantage of me.) I then went to ACU. My parents sent me there to find a "good Christian mate." I found my ex-husband. I was hurt, and just wanted to party and "live it up." I did not understand all that life was throwing at me. I didn't understand that Christ was there trying to lead me.
James 2:14ff, "What is the use in saying you have faith if you don't prove it by your actions? That kind of faith can't save anyone... Do you still think it is enough to believe there is one God? Well, even the demons believe this, and they tremble in terror! Fool! When will you ever learn that faith that does not result in good deeds is useless?" I never understood what this meant, I am still having issues with it. I couln't just walk through life, as I wanted. Even the demons believe in one God. I needed to change my heart. I had no idea about true salvation. Getting wet will not save you. I don't know, does saying you believe in Jesus save you? Is this all that He expects form you. These are good, but I think He expects more. He expects your heart!
I do not talk about this often, because it sounds like works, and I am still trying to sort through it. But He does expect things of us, once we believe. I have such a hard time with all of this. There is so much about God that I do not understand. I do feel like I am a new Christian. I have been raised hearing about Christ, but this is the first time that I have let Him rule my life. I feel like I have been drinking milk, my entire life, and I am just now mature enough to handle real food. Was it enough, though? Was the milk enough to get me into heaven, but not enough to live victoriously? This is something that I have no idea about. He does expect us to change our life. He does hold us to a higher standard, for He is in us in order to help us. He is the one that saves. All salvation is, is the cross. We do not have to do anything to earn our salvation. I know this, but then I don't know this. All that I do know is that I was lost and now I am found. I was living in death, and now I have life. I have made the choice to live in the victory that He died to give me. How thankful, I am for His Grace. How thankful, I am for His Patience. How thankful, I am for His Mercy. How thankful, I am for His Sacrifice.
I tried to live a "good" young life, but I always had problems with sex. Not even that I was out having sex with everyone, but that I had sex with my boyfriends. I graduated from a private Christian high school. Afterwards, I went into a mission program, my boyfriend was in Ecuador and I was going to join him there. I wasn't in the program for the right reason, but I thought I could be. Some things happened, and I dropped out of the program, after just one year. (Well a counselor, who had been in the program for over 20 years, tried to take advantage of me.) I then went to ACU. My parents sent me there to find a "good Christian mate." I found my ex-husband. I was hurt, and just wanted to party and "live it up." I did not understand all that life was throwing at me. I didn't understand that Christ was there trying to lead me.
James 2:14ff, "What is the use in saying you have faith if you don't prove it by your actions? That kind of faith can't save anyone... Do you still think it is enough to believe there is one God? Well, even the demons believe this, and they tremble in terror! Fool! When will you ever learn that faith that does not result in good deeds is useless?" I never understood what this meant, I am still having issues with it. I couln't just walk through life, as I wanted. Even the demons believe in one God. I needed to change my heart. I had no idea about true salvation. Getting wet will not save you. I don't know, does saying you believe in Jesus save you? Is this all that He expects form you. These are good, but I think He expects more. He expects your heart!
I do not talk about this often, because it sounds like works, and I am still trying to sort through it. But He does expect things of us, once we believe. I have such a hard time with all of this. There is so much about God that I do not understand. I do feel like I am a new Christian. I have been raised hearing about Christ, but this is the first time that I have let Him rule my life. I feel like I have been drinking milk, my entire life, and I am just now mature enough to handle real food. Was it enough, though? Was the milk enough to get me into heaven, but not enough to live victoriously? This is something that I have no idea about. He does expect us to change our life. He does hold us to a higher standard, for He is in us in order to help us. He is the one that saves. All salvation is, is the cross. We do not have to do anything to earn our salvation. I know this, but then I don't know this. All that I do know is that I was lost and now I am found. I was living in death, and now I have life. I have made the choice to live in the victory that He died to give me. How thankful, I am for His Grace. How thankful, I am for His Patience. How thankful, I am for His Mercy. How thankful, I am for His Sacrifice.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Great Sex
I was talking with my husband last night, about when things started to get better between us. For the first 2 years of our marriage, we were under fire. He had completely withdrawn, and I was going around upset all of the time. Sex between us was almost to a stand still, I had to rely on his memory for this one. I thought we were having sex about once every week, because I had set aside Tuesdays, for sex day. I was getting to the point that every time he touched me, I would stiffen. I was so afraid that he just wanting sex from me. My past was haunting me, so I did not want anything to do with sex. I thought it was once a week, but he remembers differently. He said it was more like once a month. He informed me that Tuesday was the day, but that I was rarely "available" that day. We were not close; we were not communicating; we were two people living under the same roof, not talking or sharing. Then he expected to have sex with me, I don't think so. I was not withholding sex on purpose, I just needed to feel a connection. I told him that if he wanted to have sex with me, he needed to communicate with me. I needed to feel he was sharing with me, and not just using me. He said, this helped him to get in touch with his feelings, real fast.
Honestly, I do not know many men who could have helped me, like my husband did. I was going through so much, and he faced the fear and stepped right into my chaos. So many men want to be mighty warriors, but they are afraid to step into the battle for their wives. Why is this? He stepped in and battled for me. This is how I saw, how truly strong my husband was. Ephesians 5, "And you husbands must love your wives with the same love Christ showed the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by baptism and God's word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault."
Jason, got off of the couch and engaged with me. He had been coming home; sitting in front of the TV, watching Hockey, all night! I would go to bed, because I was tired. Then he would come in much later and expect me to "wake up" for him. I couldn't. I couldn't turn on when there had been no communication between the two of us. So, he stepped into the battle with me, and turned off the TV. He started helping me again. We weren't just doing the dishes and cooking by ourselves, but we were in the kitchen together. This time with him started to interest me and I was not feeling used any more. During this time I started to flirt and tease with him, this was my foreplay time. We were connecting, and I was turning on.
Now, Jason will tell you that he is the one in control of how much sex we have. He knows that in order to turn me on, all he has to do is talk to me. When we talk about other people and their sexual relationships with their spouse, he will say, that if the husband will just wake up and engage with his wife, he could have a great sex life with her. But here is the problem that I see, we tend to want things without working for them. A good marriage takes work. You have to see what the other person is needing, then provide that for them. Jason is my husband. He is my leader. I respect him to the fullest. In being a leader, he took the role of the servant. In being my husband, he looked at what I was needing. I felt so dirty; he washed me with his love. I was feeling so used; he covered me with his love. He saw what I needed. "He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean... He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church (wife) without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault." He showed me that he loved me. Words can mean nothing, if there is no action behind them. He shows me that he loves me.
"So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." We now have a great sex life. We have a wonderful time, together. Jason is my leader, he has stepped out and taken his place. Not by force, but by love and being a servant; a true leader.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Secret Bondage
Ephesians 2, "Once you were dead, doomed forever because of your many sins. You used to live just like the rest of the world, full of sin, obeying Satan, the mighty prince of the power of the air. He is the spirit at work in the hearts of those who refuse to obey God. All of us used to live that way, following the passions and desires of our evil nature... But God is so rich in mercy, and He loved us so very much, that even while we were dead because of our sins, He gave us life when He raised Christ from the dead. (It is only by God's special favor that you have been saved!) ...God saved you by His special favor when you believed. And you can't take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so that we can do the good things He planned for us long ago."
The salvation that Christ bought for us, is so wonderful. We have done nothing that has earned our forgiveness. It does not matter if you have lived your life, doing everything right. It does not matter if you thought at one time, you had sold your soul to Satan. Christ came and paid for you. I have done nothing to earn my freedom. Christ paid my debt, so that I could be free! It is up to me to live in that freedom; it is a choice I have to make every day.
So many times we choose to be in bondage. We can be Christians, living a very good life in Christ and still be in bondage. This bondage is secrets. Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, this morning reads, "Never be sympathetic with a person whose situation causes you to conclude that God is dealing harshly with him. God can be more tender than we can conceive, and every once in a while He give us the opportunity to deal firmly with someone so that He may be viewed as the tender one. If a person cannot go to God, it is because he has some secret which he does not intend to give up..." These past few days I have been dealing with secrets in so many people's lives. It is crazy! The different lies that Satan can tell us in order to stay in bondage is amazing.
My true freedom came, when I finally let go of my secrets. I truly have no secrets. In this I have found a freedom that I cannot explain. Secrets, no matter how small, are the dark shadow hanging over every conversation, and getting between every relationship. I do not think that you have to go around telling everyone you meet your entire story. But if you feel you are holding on to a secret and God is asking you to let it go, you better. "Otherwise there will be no healing."
My marriage was suffering because of my secrets. I had no secrets from my husband, but God was asking me to let go of my secrets and to give Him His glory. In holding firm to my secrets, I was not living as Christ intended me to live. He was not getting credit for everything in my life. I was holding parts of my life for me and not sharing His full glory. And because I was not doing everything that the Holy Spirit was telling me to do, I was not living free. Many times we admit what we have done, but we have not given it up. Give up your secrets, so that you can live. Do not choose the easy way out. For what we see as the easy way, is usually not God's way. He deals with things, head on. He never hides. There is always a fear in revealing secrets; that is why we have them. Christ has paid the price for our freedom. Why would we choose to be in bondage?
The salvation that Christ bought for us, is so wonderful. We have done nothing that has earned our forgiveness. It does not matter if you have lived your life, doing everything right. It does not matter if you thought at one time, you had sold your soul to Satan. Christ came and paid for you. I have done nothing to earn my freedom. Christ paid my debt, so that I could be free! It is up to me to live in that freedom; it is a choice I have to make every day.
So many times we choose to be in bondage. We can be Christians, living a very good life in Christ and still be in bondage. This bondage is secrets. Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, this morning reads, "Never be sympathetic with a person whose situation causes you to conclude that God is dealing harshly with him. God can be more tender than we can conceive, and every once in a while He give us the opportunity to deal firmly with someone so that He may be viewed as the tender one. If a person cannot go to God, it is because he has some secret which he does not intend to give up..." These past few days I have been dealing with secrets in so many people's lives. It is crazy! The different lies that Satan can tell us in order to stay in bondage is amazing.
My true freedom came, when I finally let go of my secrets. I truly have no secrets. In this I have found a freedom that I cannot explain. Secrets, no matter how small, are the dark shadow hanging over every conversation, and getting between every relationship. I do not think that you have to go around telling everyone you meet your entire story. But if you feel you are holding on to a secret and God is asking you to let it go, you better. "Otherwise there will be no healing."
My marriage was suffering because of my secrets. I had no secrets from my husband, but God was asking me to let go of my secrets and to give Him His glory. In holding firm to my secrets, I was not living as Christ intended me to live. He was not getting credit for everything in my life. I was holding parts of my life for me and not sharing His full glory. And because I was not doing everything that the Holy Spirit was telling me to do, I was not living free. Many times we admit what we have done, but we have not given it up. Give up your secrets, so that you can live. Do not choose the easy way out. For what we see as the easy way, is usually not God's way. He deals with things, head on. He never hides. There is always a fear in revealing secrets; that is why we have them. Christ has paid the price for our freedom. Why would we choose to be in bondage?
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Each New Day
I do not know how to talk to others without sounding "preachy." Honestly, how do you tell someone about your changed life, without talking about Christ. I cannot, I did not change my life, Christ did. In the beginning of my "new life," things were very difficult for me. I was trying so hard to rely on God, but I was fighting so many other worldly battles. I married Jason, because when I left my ex, I had told God that I would walk through any door that I thought He was opening for me. My first thought of Jason, was my grandmother's misinterpretation that he had been into marijuana. When I discovered that she was wrong, I was relieved, because I was trying so hard to begin a new walk. But, how do you live sober when you have been high for so long? By the grace of God.
Jason and I were married, one year after we first met. I had been smoking pot until one month before we married. I wanted a different life, but I still did not understand how to lean on God. So on our honey moon, I was blessed by a pregnancy. This did not make things easy for either of us, but I was sober and this time allowed me to live that way. The first few years of our marriage were very difficult for both of us. Jason was dealing with a new wife, a baby on the way, and trying to figure out his job path. He looked like a deer caught in headlights for the first couple of years. His wife was insane, pregnant, and broken. He went from being this young guy, with no real responsibilities, to a young man with a full plate. I was demanding that he take the lead, in "my" spiritual walk with the Lord. I was over whelming him with rules and regulations, while at the same time I was acting awful. I knew what did not work, in one respect, but I had no idea about what did work.
Things were very hard for us for the first two years of our marriage. I was a hateful, male bashing woman. Everything that Jason did was under scrutiny. He was not a muscular man, when we were younger, he has filled out very nicely now, but he was a late bloomer. I judged a man by his physical stature, but over time, I learned that his integrity was his strength. One day we were driving to see his mother, she was getting treatments for cancer, and I was bashing men as usual. Jason finally had enough. He pointed to the back seat, to our 6 mo old son, and said, "What you say about men, he will turn into. You are raising a man." This did it. This was the true beginning of a wonderful life. What came out of my mouth was changed, after some time went by, my heart changed as well.
The only credit that I can take in my changed life, was that I was willing to listen; when I heard, I took a step in faith, knowing He was leading me in the right direction. I needed a personal relationship with Christ. I was desperate to live free. I began begging Him for guidance. For the first time I started reading my bible, seeking Him. I had studied the bible my entire life, but this was the first time I had read it. Then He started waking me up very early in the morning. I discussed this with a friend, because I was very tired, I now had two young boys and I was waking up very early (I needed my sleep). She told me, "Maybe God wants to spend some time with you, get up." So this was another change in my life, I began my mornings with God.
John 6:63, Jesus said, "It is the Spirit who gives eternal life. Human effort accomplishes nothing. And the very words I have spoken to you are spirit and life." I cannot take credit for my changed life. I was willing to listen, He changed my life. Christ came and died for all of us, so that we could all be free from our failures. He became the bridge that separated us from the Father. John 14:20-21, Jesus said, "When I am raised to life again, you will know that I am in my Father, and you are in Me, and I am in you. Those who obey my commandments are the ones who love Me. And because they love Me, my Father will love them. And I will reveal Myself to each one of them." I am different, because He died for me. I am still on the journey, and I make many mistakes, but I love Him, and He loves me. Each day He shows me a little more of Himself. Each day is new with my Lord.
Jason and I were married, one year after we first met. I had been smoking pot until one month before we married. I wanted a different life, but I still did not understand how to lean on God. So on our honey moon, I was blessed by a pregnancy. This did not make things easy for either of us, but I was sober and this time allowed me to live that way. The first few years of our marriage were very difficult for both of us. Jason was dealing with a new wife, a baby on the way, and trying to figure out his job path. He looked like a deer caught in headlights for the first couple of years. His wife was insane, pregnant, and broken. He went from being this young guy, with no real responsibilities, to a young man with a full plate. I was demanding that he take the lead, in "my" spiritual walk with the Lord. I was over whelming him with rules and regulations, while at the same time I was acting awful. I knew what did not work, in one respect, but I had no idea about what did work.
Things were very hard for us for the first two years of our marriage. I was a hateful, male bashing woman. Everything that Jason did was under scrutiny. He was not a muscular man, when we were younger, he has filled out very nicely now, but he was a late bloomer. I judged a man by his physical stature, but over time, I learned that his integrity was his strength. One day we were driving to see his mother, she was getting treatments for cancer, and I was bashing men as usual. Jason finally had enough. He pointed to the back seat, to our 6 mo old son, and said, "What you say about men, he will turn into. You are raising a man." This did it. This was the true beginning of a wonderful life. What came out of my mouth was changed, after some time went by, my heart changed as well.
The only credit that I can take in my changed life, was that I was willing to listen; when I heard, I took a step in faith, knowing He was leading me in the right direction. I needed a personal relationship with Christ. I was desperate to live free. I began begging Him for guidance. For the first time I started reading my bible, seeking Him. I had studied the bible my entire life, but this was the first time I had read it. Then He started waking me up very early in the morning. I discussed this with a friend, because I was very tired, I now had two young boys and I was waking up very early (I needed my sleep). She told me, "Maybe God wants to spend some time with you, get up." So this was another change in my life, I began my mornings with God.
John 6:63, Jesus said, "It is the Spirit who gives eternal life. Human effort accomplishes nothing. And the very words I have spoken to you are spirit and life." I cannot take credit for my changed life. I was willing to listen, He changed my life. Christ came and died for all of us, so that we could all be free from our failures. He became the bridge that separated us from the Father. John 14:20-21, Jesus said, "When I am raised to life again, you will know that I am in my Father, and you are in Me, and I am in you. Those who obey my commandments are the ones who love Me. And because they love Me, my Father will love them. And I will reveal Myself to each one of them." I am different, because He died for me. I am still on the journey, and I make many mistakes, but I love Him, and He loves me. Each day He shows me a little more of Himself. Each day is new with my Lord.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Dead People, Live!
John 5, Jesus said, "I assure you, those who listen to my message and believe in God who sent me have eternal life. They will never be condemned for their sins, but they have already passed from death into life. And I assure you that the time is coming, in fact it is here, when the dead will hear my voice- the voice of the Son of God. And those who listen will live." Ravi Zacharias, "Jesus didn't come into the world to make bad people good- He came into the world to make dead people live."
I must address a conversation that I had last night. I was discussing my prior life with someone and they said, "You know that God was with you, even when you were living the way you were. You don't have to be good for God to love you." How I have struggled with this exact thought. Yes, I know that God loved me when I was deliberately living in sin, but I have issues with this thought as well. "Do we keep on sinning so that grace may abound?" No, once we know the truth, we are to turn to the truth, and stop living as we did before we knew the truth.
I knew God loved me, for I would hear Him calling me, even while I was driving to the club. But, had I chosen to live in that life, I would have chosen death. He would not have been able to forgive me, because I had chosen the world, instead of Him. "Those who have done good will rise to eternal life, and those who have continued in evil will rise to judgment." Death was the life I was living, before I chose to change. There is no life, in living in sin. I was choosing death. God loved me, that is why He came and died for me. It was a choice that I had to make, to accept His free gift of life. I am different now, because of His love for me. I am different now, because I choose life. I am different now, because I choose to follow Christ, instead of the world. He paid the debt that I owed, so that I could live.
Jesus never healed someone, then told them to return to their old way of living. He said just the opposite, "Now you are well; so stop sinning, or something even worse my happen to you." I had a choice to make. Trust me it was not easy, but He helped me the whole way through the change. I could still be living with the dead. I could have very easily, ruined the life that He was trying to give me. He did it for me, but at the same time I had to choose His help.
He gave me the opportunity to start new, even with a new marriage, but I had to choose to make it a living one. For the first year of my marriage with Jason, I was struggling with all of the despondency of the past. I was a broken, vile, defiant woman. I turned all of my pain towards this man, who was here to help me heal. He hadn't done any wrong towards me, but he caught the wrath of my pain. He was not perfect, the first year was torture for both of us. Jason was like most all men, he hid in watching sports. He could not fix my broken heart, so he turned off his emotions. We were both choosing death. I was in another failing marriage. Both, Jason and I, had to decide to live with Christ. My baggage was more overt, but both of us, did bring our own hurts with us into our marriage. Christ was with us, but we were choosing bondage. We were not living free as He had intended.
Christ saved me, when He died on the cross. I cannot tell you the exact moment that I accepted that salvation. I can tell you, that when I chose to live for Him was when I was set free. In both marriages I was choosing to live in sin. One marriage was more obvious, but both were dead. I cannot tell you exactly when I accepted Christ's Salvation. I cannot tell you, exactly the time in my life when I was saved, for I always believed in Him. I can tell you that now I live. I can tell you that I was dead, but because of Christ I now live. I had to choose to act according to His will and in this I found life. "Jesus did not come come into the world to make bad people good- He cam into the world to make dead people live." I choose life, every day I make this choice.
I must address a conversation that I had last night. I was discussing my prior life with someone and they said, "You know that God was with you, even when you were living the way you were. You don't have to be good for God to love you." How I have struggled with this exact thought. Yes, I know that God loved me when I was deliberately living in sin, but I have issues with this thought as well. "Do we keep on sinning so that grace may abound?" No, once we know the truth, we are to turn to the truth, and stop living as we did before we knew the truth.
I knew God loved me, for I would hear Him calling me, even while I was driving to the club. But, had I chosen to live in that life, I would have chosen death. He would not have been able to forgive me, because I had chosen the world, instead of Him. "Those who have done good will rise to eternal life, and those who have continued in evil will rise to judgment." Death was the life I was living, before I chose to change. There is no life, in living in sin. I was choosing death. God loved me, that is why He came and died for me. It was a choice that I had to make, to accept His free gift of life. I am different now, because of His love for me. I am different now, because I choose life. I am different now, because I choose to follow Christ, instead of the world. He paid the debt that I owed, so that I could live.
Jesus never healed someone, then told them to return to their old way of living. He said just the opposite, "Now you are well; so stop sinning, or something even worse my happen to you." I had a choice to make. Trust me it was not easy, but He helped me the whole way through the change. I could still be living with the dead. I could have very easily, ruined the life that He was trying to give me. He did it for me, but at the same time I had to choose His help.
He gave me the opportunity to start new, even with a new marriage, but I had to choose to make it a living one. For the first year of my marriage with Jason, I was struggling with all of the despondency of the past. I was a broken, vile, defiant woman. I turned all of my pain towards this man, who was here to help me heal. He hadn't done any wrong towards me, but he caught the wrath of my pain. He was not perfect, the first year was torture for both of us. Jason was like most all men, he hid in watching sports. He could not fix my broken heart, so he turned off his emotions. We were both choosing death. I was in another failing marriage. Both, Jason and I, had to decide to live with Christ. My baggage was more overt, but both of us, did bring our own hurts with us into our marriage. Christ was with us, but we were choosing bondage. We were not living free as He had intended.
Christ saved me, when He died on the cross. I cannot tell you the exact moment that I accepted that salvation. I can tell you, that when I chose to live for Him was when I was set free. In both marriages I was choosing to live in sin. One marriage was more obvious, but both were dead. I cannot tell you exactly when I accepted Christ's Salvation. I cannot tell you, exactly the time in my life when I was saved, for I always believed in Him. I can tell you that now I live. I can tell you that I was dead, but because of Christ I now live. I had to choose to act according to His will and in this I found life. "Jesus did not come come into the world to make bad people good- He cam into the world to make dead people live." I choose life, every day I make this choice.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Powerless Victim
When I first met Jason, we hung out together every day. After just three days, I told him about my life with my ex-husband, who I had just filed for divorce with. I truly expected to scare him off. I had discovered that he had never done any drugs and that he was still a virgin. I did not find any reason to hang out with him. So, on the third night, I gave him my whole story, leaving out the graphics. I expected to never see him again, but his words to me that night were, "I think I am here to help you heal." I thought this was so corny, but how true it was. We stayed together every day for the next couple of weeks, then I left for Stone Gate. http://www.stonegateresources.org/
I stayed at Stone Gate for 10 days. During this time, I discovered my role in the destruction of my life. I had been blaming everyone else for my failures. I definitely blamed my ex-husband, because he was the one that who was supposed to protect me; cherish me; love me, and all he did was try to destroy me. After all, wasn't it all his fault? No, I had to take responsibility for my own choices. I was not a victim, I had made every choice, all on my own. Thanks to Harry, the head counselor at Stone Gate, I was able to see this early on in my healing. There is never any power in a victim, the only time we can take our life back is by accepting the responsibilities for our own part in things.
Now don't get me wrong, every child is a victim. What happens to you in your childhood is something that you cannot control. But after you have grown, you can no longer blame your decisions on your past. You are the one making those decisions. It was not my fault that I was molested in the 5th grade. It was not my fault that my virginity was taken from me at 15, at school. These are places that I found myself in, because I was a young girl, and most young girls cannot see what is about to happen to them if they put themselves in certain situations. Even if they can see what is about to happen, most of the time you do not have the ability to know how to get yourself out of the situation.
I was now an adult, I was 26 with a college degree, I was a grown woman, I was not a victim. I had made the choices myself. No matter how hard I tried to pass blame on someone else, it was my decision, all of it. I had spent my entire life with the victim mentality. Nothing was ever really my fault. I could turn and pass the blame onto anything or anyone, at any time. The victim role is what I had to take control over. I had to see that I was making my life choices, for myself. I am so thankful for Harry. I would still be blaming my failed marriage on my ex-husband and his mistakes, this is not true. Yes, he had a part in the failure, but so did I. Here is the point, as long as you are blaming the past for your today, you will never make it past yesterday. I look forward to tomorrow, by taking control of today. I have to turn every day over to the will of God, otherwise I may find myself stuck in the past. Every day is new and every day brings its own troubles. If you burden today with the sorrows of yesterday, tomorrow seems much to large to look forward to. Today we have control of our future. Today we have control of our today.
2 Corinthians 4-5, "...We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed and broken. We are perplexed, but we don't give up and quit. We are hunted down, but God never abandons us. We get knocked down, but we get up again and keep going... I believed in God, and so I speak... For our present troubles are quite small and won't last very long... So we don't look at the troubles we can see right now; rather, we look forward to what we have not yet seen. For the troubles we see will soon be over, but the joys to come will last forever... We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long for the day when we will put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing... That is why we live by believing and not by seeing. Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord. So our aim is to please Him always, whether we are here in this body or away from this body. For we must all stand before Christ to be judged. We will each receive whatever we deserve for the good or evil we have done in our bodies."
I stayed at Stone Gate for 10 days. During this time, I discovered my role in the destruction of my life. I had been blaming everyone else for my failures. I definitely blamed my ex-husband, because he was the one that who was supposed to protect me; cherish me; love me, and all he did was try to destroy me. After all, wasn't it all his fault? No, I had to take responsibility for my own choices. I was not a victim, I had made every choice, all on my own. Thanks to Harry, the head counselor at Stone Gate, I was able to see this early on in my healing. There is never any power in a victim, the only time we can take our life back is by accepting the responsibilities for our own part in things.
Now don't get me wrong, every child is a victim. What happens to you in your childhood is something that you cannot control. But after you have grown, you can no longer blame your decisions on your past. You are the one making those decisions. It was not my fault that I was molested in the 5th grade. It was not my fault that my virginity was taken from me at 15, at school. These are places that I found myself in, because I was a young girl, and most young girls cannot see what is about to happen to them if they put themselves in certain situations. Even if they can see what is about to happen, most of the time you do not have the ability to know how to get yourself out of the situation.
I was now an adult, I was 26 with a college degree, I was a grown woman, I was not a victim. I had made the choices myself. No matter how hard I tried to pass blame on someone else, it was my decision, all of it. I had spent my entire life with the victim mentality. Nothing was ever really my fault. I could turn and pass the blame onto anything or anyone, at any time. The victim role is what I had to take control over. I had to see that I was making my life choices, for myself. I am so thankful for Harry. I would still be blaming my failed marriage on my ex-husband and his mistakes, this is not true. Yes, he had a part in the failure, but so did I. Here is the point, as long as you are blaming the past for your today, you will never make it past yesterday. I look forward to tomorrow, by taking control of today. I have to turn every day over to the will of God, otherwise I may find myself stuck in the past. Every day is new and every day brings its own troubles. If you burden today with the sorrows of yesterday, tomorrow seems much to large to look forward to. Today we have control of our future. Today we have control of our today.
2 Corinthians 4-5, "...We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed and broken. We are perplexed, but we don't give up and quit. We are hunted down, but God never abandons us. We get knocked down, but we get up again and keep going... I believed in God, and so I speak... For our present troubles are quite small and won't last very long... So we don't look at the troubles we can see right now; rather, we look forward to what we have not yet seen. For the troubles we see will soon be over, but the joys to come will last forever... We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long for the day when we will put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing... That is why we live by believing and not by seeing. Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord. So our aim is to please Him always, whether we are here in this body or away from this body. For we must all stand before Christ to be judged. We will each receive whatever we deserve for the good or evil we have done in our bodies."
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Strength of a Man
I do not want to visit my past marriage any longer. I have spent long enough looking at my failures and my life when I did not let God take control... It was July, I had to get away and visit my grandparents in Colorado. I made enough money to pay the bills one month in advance; give my ex enough money to sustain him for two weeks; and to get to Gunnison, so that I could see my grandmother. I arrived here, high and knowing that I needed to escape. For the first week, I was just enjoying the quiet peace that my grandmother offered me. The next week was different, for I ran out of weed and I hit my knees. I had lived in a fog for so long that I was having a very hard time seeing my life. I spent many hours walking in the mountains alone, talking to Jesus and feeling Him holding my hand.
When my two weeks were over and I knew I had to return home, I felt like a different person. I wanted to live a different life. Change is always easier, until your home again. I returned home to a broken man, who had not had the experience that I had in the mountains. He was welcoming me home, but it was hard. I stayed there for almost two months, but God knew I had to get out. John 8:21, "You will search for me and die in your sin." I was too weak to resist. So like a whirl wind my family took me out of my life, and I was offered a new one. They let me choose where I wanted to stay for a while, so I chose Gunnison. I found peace with my grandmother, I needed her; Jesus was with her and I knew it!
After one month I was looking for drugs. I needed them. I hadn't been without them for more than a day or two for over three years. I didn't know who I was without the high and I was desperately searching for who I was. My grandparents attended a small church in Gunny and it was here that I met Jason, just one month after I had left my ex-husband. Jason was this scrawny little guy. He was 6' 2", but weighed in at only 125lbs. Trust me when I say that I was not attracted to him, I wasn't. I like big guys, really big guys, he was not! Out of God's infinite wisdom, my grandmother got Jason confused with his brother and told me that he had been into "marijuana." I was very interested in that, so when he came to the campground, that my grandparents were taking care of, I was very interested in spending time with him.
Very quickly I discovered that I had the wrong, right brother. If you can imagine my disdain for men, then you can understand that I had no interest in a relationship. So hanging out with this guy was not really my first option, but it was either him; my grandparents and their older friends, or this nasty man, that I had discovered who I could get high with. I wanted to change, and God gave me the best option, so I chose Jason.
I never could have imagined the strength, the security, the hope that I found in this "weak" man. Through this man, what I saw as strength was turned to weakness and what I saw as weakness was turned into strength. 1 Corinthians 12:1-10, "Jesus said, "My power works best in your weakness." Then Paul states, "For when I am weak, then I am strong." Jason helped me to discover the pure love of Christ and he helped to heal my broken heart. He is a man of God and because of that, he is truly the strongest man I have ever known. I owe him my honor and my respect. He is my husband and my lover. With his help my past filth has been covered. We have, together, grown in our relationship with each other and towards God. Now I can talk about my healing! How thankful I am for Christ and His sacrifice. Through Him I have found purity. I feel like a pure woman who is cherished by her Father and her husband. How awesome, this feeling is...
When my two weeks were over and I knew I had to return home, I felt like a different person. I wanted to live a different life. Change is always easier, until your home again. I returned home to a broken man, who had not had the experience that I had in the mountains. He was welcoming me home, but it was hard. I stayed there for almost two months, but God knew I had to get out. John 8:21, "You will search for me and die in your sin." I was too weak to resist. So like a whirl wind my family took me out of my life, and I was offered a new one. They let me choose where I wanted to stay for a while, so I chose Gunnison. I found peace with my grandmother, I needed her; Jesus was with her and I knew it!
After one month I was looking for drugs. I needed them. I hadn't been without them for more than a day or two for over three years. I didn't know who I was without the high and I was desperately searching for who I was. My grandparents attended a small church in Gunny and it was here that I met Jason, just one month after I had left my ex-husband. Jason was this scrawny little guy. He was 6' 2", but weighed in at only 125lbs. Trust me when I say that I was not attracted to him, I wasn't. I like big guys, really big guys, he was not! Out of God's infinite wisdom, my grandmother got Jason confused with his brother and told me that he had been into "marijuana." I was very interested in that, so when he came to the campground, that my grandparents were taking care of, I was very interested in spending time with him.
Very quickly I discovered that I had the wrong, right brother. If you can imagine my disdain for men, then you can understand that I had no interest in a relationship. So hanging out with this guy was not really my first option, but it was either him; my grandparents and their older friends, or this nasty man, that I had discovered who I could get high with. I wanted to change, and God gave me the best option, so I chose Jason.
I never could have imagined the strength, the security, the hope that I found in this "weak" man. Through this man, what I saw as strength was turned to weakness and what I saw as weakness was turned into strength. 1 Corinthians 12:1-10, "Jesus said, "My power works best in your weakness." Then Paul states, "For when I am weak, then I am strong." Jason helped me to discover the pure love of Christ and he helped to heal my broken heart. He is a man of God and because of that, he is truly the strongest man I have ever known. I owe him my honor and my respect. He is my husband and my lover. With his help my past filth has been covered. We have, together, grown in our relationship with each other and towards God. Now I can talk about my healing! How thankful I am for Christ and His sacrifice. Through Him I have found purity. I feel like a pure woman who is cherished by her Father and her husband. How awesome, this feeling is...
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Slave of Sin
In spending these few months in Focusing on Marriage, my previous marriage is something that I have to face. I have to look at the failures in my life to appreciate the rest. Trust me, I have been looking at the failures. I have been asked to be in a community play. In the play, I am in a small airport, stranded because of a snow storm, and my ex-husband happens to be stranded as well. In my blogs, I am dealing with my ex-life and in the play I am forced to bring the emotions to reality in order to play the part. None of this is easy for me. I am, on one hand, feeling very humble and thankful to God for blessing my life with Christ and His forgiveness; while at the same time in the play, I am having to play the part of a very unforgiving woman,who has been very hurt by her ex-husband.
Everything that has been brought to my immediate view, are my failures. I am looking them straight in the face and having to relive them, this is not easy... When I was married to my ex-husband, I failed miserably. In his sin of pornography and drugs, life for him was tumbling out of control, and I was its assistant. John 8:34, Jesus replied, "I assure you that everyone who sins is a slave of sin." I have truly lived the part of slavery.
For three years we were high every day, and if we did not have any drugs, we were obsessed with finding them. Sex and pornography were addictions that were destroying our lives. He was so consumed with pornography that normal sex was not an option for him. He was always getting me to tell stories and they were getting out of control. He was laden with rage and jealousy, but this is the high that he was desiring. He would have me tell him stories about being with other men and soon the stories were not enough, he wanted to watch. I offered him to let me be with another girl, for that was not as bad to me as being with another man. Other women did not do it, he wanted to watch me with another man. My counter to his wishes, I became a stripper. He could watch, but I wouldn't have to have sex with anyone else.
The Devil is the father of lies. John 8:44, "There is no truth in him. When he lies, it is consistent with his character; for his is a liar and the father of lies." I was bound in slavery. I was deceived by lies. I was a "slave of sin." I thought that I was doing what I had to do. I was obeying my husbands desires. What I could not see, was that he was a slave as well. We were in slavery together. The crazy thing is that we were choosing to live that way. No one was making me get up on stage and work those nights in the club. I was choosing it for myself. Sin does not take control of your life by force; you allow it, one day at a time. Then one day, you wake up, and are amazed at how your life has turned out so wrong. The lies have deceived you and your father is the Devil.
John 8:1-11, A woman is caught in adultery. she is brought to Jesus and her accusers wish to stone her. Jesus said, "All right, stone her. But let those who have never sinned throw the first stones!" The people began to leave, then Jesus turned to the woman, "Where are your accusers? Didn't even one of them condemn you? ...Neither do I. Go and sin no more." I was the woman. I should have been stoned. Christ had mercy on me. He set me free from my slavery. "Go and sin no more," live in peace be free with Me! I have no accusers, why would I be the one to pick up the first stone and direct it toward myself? Reliving my sin, my slavery, is not easy. But with the knowledge that He has paid the price; He died, because of my sin, instead of me; He took the hit for me; I can live free, because of His sacrifice. How thankful I am to Him, with every new day!
Thank you Jesus, I do not deserve your sacrifice; I deserve death. Thank you for giving me life!
Everything that has been brought to my immediate view, are my failures. I am looking them straight in the face and having to relive them, this is not easy... When I was married to my ex-husband, I failed miserably. In his sin of pornography and drugs, life for him was tumbling out of control, and I was its assistant. John 8:34, Jesus replied, "I assure you that everyone who sins is a slave of sin." I have truly lived the part of slavery.
For three years we were high every day, and if we did not have any drugs, we were obsessed with finding them. Sex and pornography were addictions that were destroying our lives. He was so consumed with pornography that normal sex was not an option for him. He was always getting me to tell stories and they were getting out of control. He was laden with rage and jealousy, but this is the high that he was desiring. He would have me tell him stories about being with other men and soon the stories were not enough, he wanted to watch. I offered him to let me be with another girl, for that was not as bad to me as being with another man. Other women did not do it, he wanted to watch me with another man. My counter to his wishes, I became a stripper. He could watch, but I wouldn't have to have sex with anyone else.
The Devil is the father of lies. John 8:44, "There is no truth in him. When he lies, it is consistent with his character; for his is a liar and the father of lies." I was bound in slavery. I was deceived by lies. I was a "slave of sin." I thought that I was doing what I had to do. I was obeying my husbands desires. What I could not see, was that he was a slave as well. We were in slavery together. The crazy thing is that we were choosing to live that way. No one was making me get up on stage and work those nights in the club. I was choosing it for myself. Sin does not take control of your life by force; you allow it, one day at a time. Then one day, you wake up, and are amazed at how your life has turned out so wrong. The lies have deceived you and your father is the Devil.
John 8:1-11, A woman is caught in adultery. she is brought to Jesus and her accusers wish to stone her. Jesus said, "All right, stone her. But let those who have never sinned throw the first stones!" The people began to leave, then Jesus turned to the woman, "Where are your accusers? Didn't even one of them condemn you? ...Neither do I. Go and sin no more." I was the woman. I should have been stoned. Christ had mercy on me. He set me free from my slavery. "Go and sin no more," live in peace be free with Me! I have no accusers, why would I be the one to pick up the first stone and direct it toward myself? Reliving my sin, my slavery, is not easy. But with the knowledge that He has paid the price; He died, because of my sin, instead of me; He took the hit for me; I can live free, because of His sacrifice. How thankful I am to Him, with every new day!
Thank you Jesus, I do not deserve your sacrifice; I deserve death. Thank you for giving me life!
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Abigail
It is amazing what you can see about your life, after you have gone through the trials. How I should have been strong. I should have been relying on God to give me advise and the wisdom on how to deal with my ex-husband. I thought that I was being a good, obedient wife in how I treated him and how I talked about him with other people. I lied for him and I covered up his sin for him. In doing this he fell deeper into his wrongs and I enabled him to do it. I was not a helper; I was a traitor. I did help him alright. Right into the pits of Hell!
God gives us an example in the bible for just about any situation that we may find ourselves in. 1 Samuel 25 is a wonderful example for women on how to deal with a foolish husband. "Abigail, was a sensible and beautiful woman. But Nabal, a descendant of Caleb, was mean and dishonest in his dealing." Nabal returned good done unto him with evil and in return his entire household was about to be slaughtered by David. "One of Nabal's servants went to Abigail and told her...You'd better think fast, for there is going to be trouble for our master and his whole family. He's so ill-tempered that no one can even talk to him!" Abigail did what she knew was right. She did not consult with her husband for she knew he was evil. She saved her husband from death, even though he did not deserve it. She did not lie for him either. She told David, "I accept all blame in this matter, my lord. Please listen to what I have to say. I know Nabal is a wicked and ill-tempered man; please don't pay any attention to him. He is a fool, just as his name suggests. But I never saw the messengers you sent..."
Abigail did not lie for her husband, because everyone can see when a man is wrong anyway. She did not make excuses for him either. Nor did she slander him and talk about him behind his back, but she did what she knew was right in spite of him. When it was all over she did not hide it from her husband either. She waited for the appropriate time, then told him what she had done. Anyone who has ever been married to a man who is angry can relate to how she must have felt as she approached her husband with what she had done. She probably expected a full retort of everything that he could give her. But God protected her and honored her for her obedience to Him. I am sure that she had suffered so much pain before this by the hands of this man, but she endured and she obeyed God.
So many times we try to cover up sin, whether it is our own or someone else's. This was my first big mistake in my previous marriage. I lied for my husband, trying to help him look better. I should have called it for what it was. He was a liar, a cheat, lazy and wicked. I shouldn't have fought for him, but I should have fought for God. I do not know what would have happened if I had been the woman that I needed to be. I know that I would not have done the evil things that I did, and now have to live with. I know that I would not have the pain that my weakness caused. I have learned several things though; stay in the truth, no matter how ugly it is; do not slander those you love, but do not cover up their sins either; do what you know is right, no matter what price you may pay later. Live in the truth and love the Lord your God with all of your strength, with all of your life. In return, He will set you free! Look to the cross and see the punishment that He bore for you and everyone who seeks Him.
God gives us an example in the bible for just about any situation that we may find ourselves in. 1 Samuel 25 is a wonderful example for women on how to deal with a foolish husband. "Abigail, was a sensible and beautiful woman. But Nabal, a descendant of Caleb, was mean and dishonest in his dealing." Nabal returned good done unto him with evil and in return his entire household was about to be slaughtered by David. "One of Nabal's servants went to Abigail and told her...You'd better think fast, for there is going to be trouble for our master and his whole family. He's so ill-tempered that no one can even talk to him!" Abigail did what she knew was right. She did not consult with her husband for she knew he was evil. She saved her husband from death, even though he did not deserve it. She did not lie for him either. She told David, "I accept all blame in this matter, my lord. Please listen to what I have to say. I know Nabal is a wicked and ill-tempered man; please don't pay any attention to him. He is a fool, just as his name suggests. But I never saw the messengers you sent..."
Abigail did not lie for her husband, because everyone can see when a man is wrong anyway. She did not make excuses for him either. Nor did she slander him and talk about him behind his back, but she did what she knew was right in spite of him. When it was all over she did not hide it from her husband either. She waited for the appropriate time, then told him what she had done. Anyone who has ever been married to a man who is angry can relate to how she must have felt as she approached her husband with what she had done. She probably expected a full retort of everything that he could give her. But God protected her and honored her for her obedience to Him. I am sure that she had suffered so much pain before this by the hands of this man, but she endured and she obeyed God.
So many times we try to cover up sin, whether it is our own or someone else's. This was my first big mistake in my previous marriage. I lied for my husband, trying to help him look better. I should have called it for what it was. He was a liar, a cheat, lazy and wicked. I shouldn't have fought for him, but I should have fought for God. I do not know what would have happened if I had been the woman that I needed to be. I know that I would not have done the evil things that I did, and now have to live with. I know that I would not have the pain that my weakness caused. I have learned several things though; stay in the truth, no matter how ugly it is; do not slander those you love, but do not cover up their sins either; do what you know is right, no matter what price you may pay later. Live in the truth and love the Lord your God with all of your strength, with all of your life. In return, He will set you free! Look to the cross and see the punishment that He bore for you and everyone who seeks Him.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
For one year
At the age of 22, I was ready to be married. I thought that it wouldn't matter who I married, I just needed to be married. Up until this point in my life, I had not really done anything all that bad. I had multiple boyfriends, yes, but sex was my only real issue. I had smoked pot maybe three times, but it was only very recreational and nothing that I had a problem with. I had been drunk a few times, but again it was nothing that I struggled with or wanted in my life. I truly believed, if I got married, then we would settle down and start a "normal" life together. I was a young foolish girl!
I never could have dreamed up the life that I was about to embrace, after I got married. I knew my husband was into pornography. I didn't think too much about it, every man was into it. Right? Wrong! For one year I battled drugs and pornography with him. He would bring home weed and I would flush it. Of coarse, then I was picking up the pieces of the broken table and other items that he would break out of his anger, but I held strong. For one year I did not smoke with him or drink. I would tell him sexual stories in bed, but that was between the two of us. I thought that was okay. It was what he wanted. I was a young foolish girl!
For one year I held on strong, but then my MS started acting up really bad. I was dealing with disabilities and urinary incontinence. Lets just say, I got very depressed. Then because he was a musician and "blamed" me for having to work during the day, we moved into a 22ft camping trailer. I was fine with that. I was still in college and working very hard at graduating, which I did, but I was not going to get a job and go to school at the same time. He was the man; he could support us; instead, we moved into the trailer so that he could play music full time.
For one year I held on strong, but then my plants died. I became surrounded by death and I surrendered to the pressure. The first year of marriage was over, and I was loosing myself. I turned my eyes completely away from God and I joined my husband in his weaknesses. I was all alone. The only person that I had was my husband and he was spending his time with his buddies, smoking pot and watching porn. So what did I do? I went with him, smoking pot and watching porn. Proverbs 6:32ff, "But the man who commits adultery is an utter fool, for he destroys his own soul. Wounds and constant disgrace are his lot. His shame will never be erased." This was the beginning of the end of my innocence.
For one year I held on strong, but then I turned my eyes away from God. I became lost in the dark world of drugs and pornography. I put my soul in the hands of a lost man and I never fought him again. My curse was that my desire was for my husband and not for God. I was expecting a man and marriage to save me from myself. I should have been looking to God. My desire was for my husband. My desire should have been for my God. I put a man in the place of my master, instead of my God. For one year I held on strong, but then I gave up. He could have helped me through the hard times. I was doing fine. It was hard, but He was helping me. He was there, but I chose to turn my eyes away from Him. I could easily be the victim and say it was my husbands fault, but it was my choice to become what I became.
I never could have dreamed up the life that I was about to embrace, after I got married. I knew my husband was into pornography. I didn't think too much about it, every man was into it. Right? Wrong! For one year I battled drugs and pornography with him. He would bring home weed and I would flush it. Of coarse, then I was picking up the pieces of the broken table and other items that he would break out of his anger, but I held strong. For one year I did not smoke with him or drink. I would tell him sexual stories in bed, but that was between the two of us. I thought that was okay. It was what he wanted. I was a young foolish girl!
For one year I held on strong, but then my MS started acting up really bad. I was dealing with disabilities and urinary incontinence. Lets just say, I got very depressed. Then because he was a musician and "blamed" me for having to work during the day, we moved into a 22ft camping trailer. I was fine with that. I was still in college and working very hard at graduating, which I did, but I was not going to get a job and go to school at the same time. He was the man; he could support us; instead, we moved into the trailer so that he could play music full time.
For one year I held on strong, but then my plants died. I became surrounded by death and I surrendered to the pressure. The first year of marriage was over, and I was loosing myself. I turned my eyes completely away from God and I joined my husband in his weaknesses. I was all alone. The only person that I had was my husband and he was spending his time with his buddies, smoking pot and watching porn. So what did I do? I went with him, smoking pot and watching porn. Proverbs 6:32ff, "But the man who commits adultery is an utter fool, for he destroys his own soul. Wounds and constant disgrace are his lot. His shame will never be erased." This was the beginning of the end of my innocence.
For one year I held on strong, but then I turned my eyes away from God. I became lost in the dark world of drugs and pornography. I put my soul in the hands of a lost man and I never fought him again. My curse was that my desire was for my husband and not for God. I was expecting a man and marriage to save me from myself. I should have been looking to God. My desire was for my husband. My desire should have been for my God. I put a man in the place of my master, instead of my God. For one year I held on strong, but then I gave up. He could have helped me through the hard times. I was doing fine. It was hard, but He was helping me. He was there, but I chose to turn my eyes away from Him. I could easily be the victim and say it was my husbands fault, but it was my choice to become what I became.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Temple of God
I have several different events scheduled for the next couple of months. We are hosting the Simulcast "Focus on Marriage"; I am speaking with some teenage girls at a young women's retreat; I have been asked to be in a play that deals with divorced couples; I am the MC at a Christmas Tea for the women of our community; truly the list goes on and on, I cannot wait to see what God does with all of these things... I have so many different things on my mind, but I will try and keep most of them together, so that the end result is changed lives and God is glorified. I have an idea of where I desire my study to travel and with God' leading and help during this time, maybe you can walk with me through my life to see how God has saved me from myself. In this, I pray you can see how God is leading you and saving you from yourself, as well.
I woke very early this morning with young women on my heart. Have you ever really looked into the Temple of God and all of the detail it took in building His place to reside here. Every inch of the Temple was crafted with painstaking detail, from the floor to the ornaments that were brought inside. 1 Kings 5ff gives all of the details to the construction of this magnificent place of worship to our Lord. There were mighty gold Cherubim, each 15 feet tall with a wingspan of 15 feet, each wing being 7 1/2 feet long. These represented heavenly beings, symbolizing God's presence and holiness. The Ark of the Covenant was placed inside the Most Holy Place. The Ark symbolized God's presence. Bronze pillars were placed at the entrance of the Temple. The pillars were named Jakin (meaning "He establishes") and Boaz (meaning "in Him is strength")- taken together they could mean "God provides the strength." The Temple was a place of worship and wonder. It was gold plated everywhere and the detail to its beauty were never matched again by human hands.
I never truly understood the importance in being the temple of God, until I saw the detail that went into building the Temple. I spent most all of my young life defiling my body and in return tarnishing the temple of God. 1 Corinthians 6:18ff, "Run away from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. Or don't you know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body."
When I was in 5th grade I was introduce to sex. From that time on, I defiled my body and damaged my heart by being with different boys. At the age of 15, I lost my virginity at school! I constantly went from boyfriend to boyfriend in search of love and acceptance. Every relationship left me feeling more insecure and distant from my God. By the time that I first got married at the age of 22, I had been engaged or "promised" to 4 different guys. All that I wanted was to get married, so that my problems with sexual sin would be over. I had no idea that what laid in front of me was more damaging than anything that I had encountered so far. My first husband became my husband, because he was actually the first one to run away with me to Vegas and get married. I did not care about the wedding or what was to come afterward; all that I cared about was getting rid of sexual problems.
I was so deceived. I truly thought that by being married, I would feel whole. What I did not realize, was that the only way to feel whole, was to have a true relationship with my Lord. I had to discover that I was the temple of God and that He wanted to find a home in my heart. Do you know that you are the temple of God? You are to take care of your body, for that is the only way you can find Him living in you. Marriage did not save me, for I was not looking to God. I allowed my sin to corrupt the bonds of marriage, instead of allowing God to heal my broken heart...
I woke very early this morning with young women on my heart. Have you ever really looked into the Temple of God and all of the detail it took in building His place to reside here. Every inch of the Temple was crafted with painstaking detail, from the floor to the ornaments that were brought inside. 1 Kings 5ff gives all of the details to the construction of this magnificent place of worship to our Lord. There were mighty gold Cherubim, each 15 feet tall with a wingspan of 15 feet, each wing being 7 1/2 feet long. These represented heavenly beings, symbolizing God's presence and holiness. The Ark of the Covenant was placed inside the Most Holy Place. The Ark symbolized God's presence. Bronze pillars were placed at the entrance of the Temple. The pillars were named Jakin (meaning "He establishes") and Boaz (meaning "in Him is strength")- taken together they could mean "God provides the strength." The Temple was a place of worship and wonder. It was gold plated everywhere and the detail to its beauty were never matched again by human hands.
I never truly understood the importance in being the temple of God, until I saw the detail that went into building the Temple. I spent most all of my young life defiling my body and in return tarnishing the temple of God. 1 Corinthians 6:18ff, "Run away from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. Or don't you know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body."
When I was in 5th grade I was introduce to sex. From that time on, I defiled my body and damaged my heart by being with different boys. At the age of 15, I lost my virginity at school! I constantly went from boyfriend to boyfriend in search of love and acceptance. Every relationship left me feeling more insecure and distant from my God. By the time that I first got married at the age of 22, I had been engaged or "promised" to 4 different guys. All that I wanted was to get married, so that my problems with sexual sin would be over. I had no idea that what laid in front of me was more damaging than anything that I had encountered so far. My first husband became my husband, because he was actually the first one to run away with me to Vegas and get married. I did not care about the wedding or what was to come afterward; all that I cared about was getting rid of sexual problems.
I was so deceived. I truly thought that by being married, I would feel whole. What I did not realize, was that the only way to feel whole, was to have a true relationship with my Lord. I had to discover that I was the temple of God and that He wanted to find a home in my heart. Do you know that you are the temple of God? You are to take care of your body, for that is the only way you can find Him living in you. Marriage did not save me, for I was not looking to God. I allowed my sin to corrupt the bonds of marriage, instead of allowing God to heal my broken heart...
Focus on Marriage
For the next couple of months I am going to focus many of my blogs toward marriages. Focus on the Family is presenting "Focus on Marriage." It is a simulcast presented in every state across the Country. http://www.ccn.tv/marriage/ Go to the web address and find a location near you so that you and your spouse can "learn to see your marriage through the eyes of God..."
Big day is February 28th.
Big day is February 28th.
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