At the age of 22, I was ready to be married. I thought that it wouldn't matter who I married, I just needed to be married. Up until this point in my life, I had not really done anything all that bad. I had multiple boyfriends, yes, but sex was my only real issue. I had smoked pot maybe three times, but it was only very recreational and nothing that I had a problem with. I had been drunk a few times, but again it was nothing that I struggled with or wanted in my life. I truly believed, if I got married, then we would settle down and start a "normal" life together. I was a young foolish girl!
I never could have dreamed up the life that I was about to embrace, after I got married. I knew my husband was into pornography. I didn't think too much about it, every man was into it. Right? Wrong! For one year I battled drugs and pornography with him. He would bring home weed and I would flush it. Of coarse, then I was picking up the pieces of the broken table and other items that he would break out of his anger, but I held strong. For one year I did not smoke with him or drink. I would tell him sexual stories in bed, but that was between the two of us. I thought that was okay. It was what he wanted. I was a young foolish girl!
For one year I held on strong, but then my MS started acting up really bad. I was dealing with disabilities and urinary incontinence. Lets just say, I got very depressed. Then because he was a musician and "blamed" me for having to work during the day, we moved into a 22ft camping trailer. I was fine with that. I was still in college and working very hard at graduating, which I did, but I was not going to get a job and go to school at the same time. He was the man; he could support us; instead, we moved into the trailer so that he could play music full time.
For one year I held on strong, but then my plants died. I became surrounded by death and I surrendered to the pressure. The first year of marriage was over, and I was loosing myself. I turned my eyes completely away from God and I joined my husband in his weaknesses. I was all alone. The only person that I had was my husband and he was spending his time with his buddies, smoking pot and watching porn. So what did I do? I went with him, smoking pot and watching porn. Proverbs 6:32ff, "But the man who commits adultery is an utter fool, for he destroys his own soul. Wounds and constant disgrace are his lot. His shame will never be erased." This was the beginning of the end of my innocence.
For one year I held on strong, but then I turned my eyes away from God. I became lost in the dark world of drugs and pornography. I put my soul in the hands of a lost man and I never fought him again. My curse was that my desire was for my husband and not for God. I was expecting a man and marriage to save me from myself. I should have been looking to God. My desire was for my husband. My desire should have been for my God. I put a man in the place of my master, instead of my God. For one year I held on strong, but then I gave up. He could have helped me through the hard times. I was doing fine. It was hard, but He was helping me. He was there, but I chose to turn my eyes away from Him. I could easily be the victim and say it was my husbands fault, but it was my choice to become what I became.
1 comment:
It is only by God's grace, that I have not entered that same path. At 16, my husband Cleyo and I started dating (on/off), at 19, our Senior year we got pregnant. When Sheldon, our oldest was 3m, we got married. The first couple our years were really rough, I accepted Christ as my Savoir at 18, but was not discipled, and it would be a couple of years before my husband accepted Christ. I am still amazed to this day that we made it through. If I had family that I could have run to, I would have. I never wanted to be married. Every marriage I had seen was a failure, men were no good, and I was was strong-willed, and knew how to take care of myself.
And even as a young Christian, I was able to come up with reasons why divorce would be ok.
But, within the past couple years, God has changed my heart. Divorce for me, in this christian marriage, is not an option. I use to threaten it quite often. But, God has revealed the purpose and how blessed I am to have the husband that He gave me. Can I promise that this will never happen, no, because I am a sinner, and I know that in my human nature, I am capable of anything.
But, it does change the way I treat my marriage, and that it is a gift from God.
Praise God for His Provision. I made many wrong choices as a teenager, and if I would have not gotten married at an early age, God only knows what kind of mess I would have created for myself!
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