Showing posts with label mother. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mother. Show all posts
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Hope for Tomorrow
I've been sitting here this morning looking out my window into a world that often has brought me such pain, but this morning I have a new breath. I realize that I have a new hope. Not that I live in despair, but in the ever present reality of my MS. I've struggled, fought, scummed to, battled, and learned more than I really ever wanted to know about myself over these past 19 years. In my mind, my debilitating disease is ever present. Every time someone even mentions doing any kind of physical exercise, my mind goes to fear of, "what would I have to suffer if I did the same." My tears are always right behind the surface, in lament of the unknown. I have lamented more over my affliction than I really ever care to admit. Through the hope of this new day I can better see my hearts cry and my hearts healing.
Yesterday, my mom (She is my ever present warrior who is always searching for me when I am ever ready to give up!) called me and encouraged me to look at a web site on Stem Cell Therapy. I did and immediately filled out the candidate application form. I have no idea if I will even be selected, but my affliction and what I have learned through my suffering is worth sharing.
Paul wrote Philippians while he was in prison. It is often referred to as the book of joy and of rejoicing, but how can there be great joy while you are being held captive in chains that keep your hands from moving freely as you wish? Paul received his joy through the lives of others, the obedience demonstrated to him through Christ, and the hope for the future.
You see today another shackle has been removed. Not that anything has changed, but I can see a little better about what has bound me. I live in fear. While trying to encourage others, I have a fear that is stopping me from moving forward and embracing the life to come. You see, when I think of the future, I don't really think of life, but of death, and how I am not going to be able to do things. While on one hand, this has pushed me to live more for today, but this has stopped me from being able to prepare for tomorrow with full hope and joyful expectation. I embrace today, but my tomorrows hold me captive. I live through the joyful expectations through others lives. I rejoice when I see my friends find faith and freedom through Christ. I can see their futures bright in front of them as they learn to walk through life without those ties that have bound them. I am ever encouraged, like Paul, when I see that through my life others have been led to a more abundant life in Christ. "I pray that your love will overflow more and more, and that you will keep on growing in knowledge and understanding. For I want you to understand what really matters, so that you may live pure and blameless lives until the day of Christ’s return. May you always be filled with the fruit of your salvation—the righteous character produced in your life by Jesus Christ—for this will bring much glory and praise to God." (Philippians 1:9-11)
I too, want to see what really matters. What will bring me joy in the hopes of tomorrow? Is it that I am selected to have the stem cell treatment and that it works? Or is it that I can rejoice in my tomorrows even through the uncertainty of the unknown? I want to work with my husband, so I have been studying for my real estate exam, but my imprisonment has always held me back from fully embracing that future life.
I thank God that I have sought Him and this relationship even through my bondage. I do not lament about the lessons that I have learned about myself during my imprisonment. Just here recently, I have discovered a new taste for life. I have always wanted to live a life of indulgence with food. I know a pretty pathetic example, but it is where I am. I just now embraced what is truly healthy for me. After a lifetime of indulgence and gluttony I have finally found freedom in taking care of me. "I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us." (3:12-14)
I can breathe a new breath this morning. Perseverance to grab hold of a future that has always been before me, but that I never dreamed I could grasp. It doesn't mean that everything will go accordingly as I hope, but I can at least find freedom in the future through that hope that has never really left me, but was just hidden because of the chains that weighed me down. Nothing has changed, only my perspective on life has been affected. What has bound you to this world? Is it your own self-centered view, like mine, that has kept you from embracing the hopes for the future? Are we so tied up within our own struggles that we cannot embrace others and find the true joy in their accomplishments? Can we see the ever preset lesson that we are the temple of the Most High God? Do we embrace that lesson with joy, or lament? Today, I can thank my God for the memories of yesterday and the hope for tomorrow.
"Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done." Rejoice, Rejoice! We really never know what tomorrow may bring.... So we may as well Rejoice in great expectation for a bright future with Christ, instead of lamenting when in reality we don't know anyways...
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Consequences Today for Lessons Tomorrow
This morning tears fell from my face as I read the scriptures. Tears of concern for my children and the path that I am leading them down. My sons, my only two children that I am responsible for, what can I learn and what can I avoid as I raise them? 1 Samuel 1-8 is filled with parental failings and sons who are not part of God's chosen ones.
Eli, a priest, a respected man in the community, did not have sons that followed in his path. What did he do that he could raise Samuel to love the Lord, but his own sons had contempt for God and His Holiness? One thing that stands out as I read the scripture and the commentary that goes along with it is that he did not discipline his sons. When he saw them doing wrong, he turned a blind eye toward what they were doing. Instead of punishing them, he allowed God to be the disciplinarian and by that time they were older and they suffered the consequences that came with the sins we so often commit when we are supposed to be more mature. As I read this my attention has to be drawn to Samuel, as well. Why did he not follow in the same footsteps as Eli's sons. I must believe that Eli's sons were Samuel's examples to watch. Samuel was able to observe first hand what the outcome would be if he took God for granted and did not respect Him as the Holy One. Samuel's sons were no different than Eli's. Samuel did not know how to be a good father either, for his sons "were greedy for money. They accepted bribes and perverted justice," (8:3). What am I to learn from both of of these men as a parent? What can I do so that both of my sons are not lost as their sons were?
As I have experienced life and watched the outcome of others lives and how they were raised, I must stop and really evaluate what the truth is. There are two ways that stand out to me, I am sure there are more, but two that stand out to me in the lessons of Eli and Samuel. The lessons of consequences and how they are learned. In reading this morning I observed that these life lessons of consequences was learned in two ways. One with observing others, and one with children lost because of lessons that they never were taught. With all of my heart, might, and desire, I want my sons to learn the lesson of consequences, while the consequences are small in comparison. I speak to them often about how they need to think about the consequences that are to follow what actions they take. Good and bad consequences always follow whatever action we take. It is a natural law and I hope to train them to think ahead and see if the consequences are worth what they are doing in that brief moment. This lesson is the main lesson that everyone must learn. We as parents either discipline our own children, or they may learn it by observing others, or they will suffer in their adult life and experience the lesson the hardest way. Samuel learned by watching Eli's sons, but Eli's sons were lost in the process. Samuel's sons had no one to watch and suffered the consequences in their adult life. I am not willing to sacrifice one of my sons so the other can learn by observation alone.
So often as a parent it seems much easier to turn a blind eye and let yourself believe that they will figure things out on their own. Just the other day I was at the park and a child had a toy. While we watched the children playing, we observed that the child was not sharing. I heard the mother say, "I want to intervene, but he needs to learn to share on his own." This is a recipe for a selfish man in the making. Children do not learn like that. They must continually be taught. They must be made to think outside the world of "me, mine." So often I must intervene with my children and it is hard work. It is much easier to turn a blind eye and assume that they will learn the lesson themselves, but it is not always a lesson learned. Too often the life is lived out and the consequences of that lost life are devastating. Which of my children am I willing to sacrifice today for the lessons that I am not willing to teach them for tomorrow. The consequences are small today with the discipline that comes, but when they are older the consequences can be devastating if they do not suffer today. With disciplining my children today and letting them understand the pain that comes with the consequences of their choices, they have a better chance of becoming observant, obedient adults tomorrow. In the way that I am raising my children, am I showing them how much God loves them? Am I willing to be "the bad guy" today, so that they can enjoy their life tomorrow? How do I want them to learn about consequences? Is it going to be by watching their brother fall, falling themselves tomorrow, or by the sting of discipline today?
Eli, a priest, a respected man in the community, did not have sons that followed in his path. What did he do that he could raise Samuel to love the Lord, but his own sons had contempt for God and His Holiness? One thing that stands out as I read the scripture and the commentary that goes along with it is that he did not discipline his sons. When he saw them doing wrong, he turned a blind eye toward what they were doing. Instead of punishing them, he allowed God to be the disciplinarian and by that time they were older and they suffered the consequences that came with the sins we so often commit when we are supposed to be more mature. As I read this my attention has to be drawn to Samuel, as well. Why did he not follow in the same footsteps as Eli's sons. I must believe that Eli's sons were Samuel's examples to watch. Samuel was able to observe first hand what the outcome would be if he took God for granted and did not respect Him as the Holy One. Samuel's sons were no different than Eli's. Samuel did not know how to be a good father either, for his sons "were greedy for money. They accepted bribes and perverted justice," (8:3). What am I to learn from both of of these men as a parent? What can I do so that both of my sons are not lost as their sons were?
As I have experienced life and watched the outcome of others lives and how they were raised, I must stop and really evaluate what the truth is. There are two ways that stand out to me, I am sure there are more, but two that stand out to me in the lessons of Eli and Samuel. The lessons of consequences and how they are learned. In reading this morning I observed that these life lessons of consequences was learned in two ways. One with observing others, and one with children lost because of lessons that they never were taught. With all of my heart, might, and desire, I want my sons to learn the lesson of consequences, while the consequences are small in comparison. I speak to them often about how they need to think about the consequences that are to follow what actions they take. Good and bad consequences always follow whatever action we take. It is a natural law and I hope to train them to think ahead and see if the consequences are worth what they are doing in that brief moment. This lesson is the main lesson that everyone must learn. We as parents either discipline our own children, or they may learn it by observing others, or they will suffer in their adult life and experience the lesson the hardest way. Samuel learned by watching Eli's sons, but Eli's sons were lost in the process. Samuel's sons had no one to watch and suffered the consequences in their adult life. I am not willing to sacrifice one of my sons so the other can learn by observation alone.
So often as a parent it seems much easier to turn a blind eye and let yourself believe that they will figure things out on their own. Just the other day I was at the park and a child had a toy. While we watched the children playing, we observed that the child was not sharing. I heard the mother say, "I want to intervene, but he needs to learn to share on his own." This is a recipe for a selfish man in the making. Children do not learn like that. They must continually be taught. They must be made to think outside the world of "me, mine." So often I must intervene with my children and it is hard work. It is much easier to turn a blind eye and assume that they will learn the lesson themselves, but it is not always a lesson learned. Too often the life is lived out and the consequences of that lost life are devastating. Which of my children am I willing to sacrifice today for the lessons that I am not willing to teach them for tomorrow. The consequences are small today with the discipline that comes, but when they are older the consequences can be devastating if they do not suffer today. With disciplining my children today and letting them understand the pain that comes with the consequences of their choices, they have a better chance of becoming observant, obedient adults tomorrow. In the way that I am raising my children, am I showing them how much God loves them? Am I willing to be "the bad guy" today, so that they can enjoy their life tomorrow? How do I want them to learn about consequences? Is it going to be by watching their brother fall, falling themselves tomorrow, or by the sting of discipline today?
Friday, July 2, 2010
Will they call me Happy?
Proverbs 31:28-31, "Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: 'Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.' Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate."
I heard a study done by Beth Moore at one time and I keep replaying it in my mind. In verse 28, "Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also..." I learned through Beth that the word blessed is actually the word Asher, which when directly translated means "happy". "Her children arise and call her happy; her husband also..."
When I think of my life, my attitude toward life; I have to wonder would people see me and call me happy. When they think of me, do they see joy unsurpassing? The woman in Proverbs 31 is supposed to be the ideal woman. She is diligent with her work. Her husband, her friends, her children can trust her. She is good with money. She is energetic. "She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs with no fear of the future."
As I look at my life I have to compare myself with this woman. I have to see her and see strength. But, I must also ask myself, what gives her these qualities? When I see certain people, whatever their walk in this life may be, what I notice most is their attitude. Some people have a spring in their step, even when you know their feet are hurting. When I think of Jesus alive and walking on this earth, I think of His smile, even though He was seen in Isaiah 53 much differently. "He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering."
Today is my oldest sons 7th birthday. Would he call me happy, or would he call me tired and grumpy? Luckily he is young and I can do better today than I did yesterday. My tomorrow with him will not be filled with sorrows. When he thinks of his childhood, I want him to to rise and call me happy. When others see me, I do not want them to see a woman who is battling physically with MS, but I want them to see a woman who is happy. No matter what my situation may be, it does not matter if my husband is perfect or not (which he is not, no one is); it does not matter if my children obey me right when I ask them to do something or not (which they don't); my situation should never predict my joy. My joy should always predict my attitude about life and my joy should always come from my Lord. "He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering." Yet, He is known as the Light of this world and we are to have a joy with Him that no situation can take from us. Today would my husband and children rise and call me happy? Tomorrow when my children are grown, will they look back on their childhood and say that their mother was happy? I say that I am happy. Does my reactions/actions reflect what I think I am, or am I lying to myself?
Oswald Chambers, "If the closest relationships of a disciple’s life conflict with the claims of Jesus Christ, then our Lord requires instant obedience to Himself. Discipleship means personal, passionate devotion to a Person— our Lord Jesus Christ. There is a vast difference between devotion to a person and devotion to principles or to a cause. Our Lord never proclaimed a cause— He proclaimed personal devotion to Himself. To be a disciple is to be a devoted bondservant motivated by love for the Lord Jesus. Many of us who call ourselves Christians are not truly devoted to Jesus Christ. No one on earth has this passionate love for the Lord Jesus unless the Holy Spirit has given it to him. We may admire, respect, and revere Him, but we cannot love Him on our own. The only One who truly loves the Lord Jesus is the Holy Spirit, and it is He who has “poured out in our hearts” the very “love of God” (Romans 5:5 ). Whenever the Holy Spirit sees an opportunity to glorify Jesus through you, He will take your entire being and set you ablaze with glowing devotion to Jesus Christ."
If I keep my focus on Christ and not my circumstances, then others will see me and call me happy!
I heard a study done by Beth Moore at one time and I keep replaying it in my mind. In verse 28, "Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also..." I learned through Beth that the word blessed is actually the word Asher, which when directly translated means "happy". "Her children arise and call her happy; her husband also..."
When I think of my life, my attitude toward life; I have to wonder would people see me and call me happy. When they think of me, do they see joy unsurpassing? The woman in Proverbs 31 is supposed to be the ideal woman. She is diligent with her work. Her husband, her friends, her children can trust her. She is good with money. She is energetic. "She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs with no fear of the future."
As I look at my life I have to compare myself with this woman. I have to see her and see strength. But, I must also ask myself, what gives her these qualities? When I see certain people, whatever their walk in this life may be, what I notice most is their attitude. Some people have a spring in their step, even when you know their feet are hurting. When I think of Jesus alive and walking on this earth, I think of His smile, even though He was seen in Isaiah 53 much differently. "He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering."
Today is my oldest sons 7th birthday. Would he call me happy, or would he call me tired and grumpy? Luckily he is young and I can do better today than I did yesterday. My tomorrow with him will not be filled with sorrows. When he thinks of his childhood, I want him to to rise and call me happy. When others see me, I do not want them to see a woman who is battling physically with MS, but I want them to see a woman who is happy. No matter what my situation may be, it does not matter if my husband is perfect or not (which he is not, no one is); it does not matter if my children obey me right when I ask them to do something or not (which they don't); my situation should never predict my joy. My joy should always predict my attitude about life and my joy should always come from my Lord. "He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering." Yet, He is known as the Light of this world and we are to have a joy with Him that no situation can take from us. Today would my husband and children rise and call me happy? Tomorrow when my children are grown, will they look back on their childhood and say that their mother was happy? I say that I am happy. Does my reactions/actions reflect what I think I am, or am I lying to myself?
Oswald Chambers, "If the closest relationships of a disciple’s life conflict with the claims of Jesus Christ, then our Lord requires instant obedience to Himself. Discipleship means personal, passionate devotion to a Person— our Lord Jesus Christ. There is a vast difference between devotion to a person and devotion to principles or to a cause. Our Lord never proclaimed a cause— He proclaimed personal devotion to Himself. To be a disciple is to be a devoted bondservant motivated by love for the Lord Jesus. Many of us who call ourselves Christians are not truly devoted to Jesus Christ. No one on earth has this passionate love for the Lord Jesus unless the Holy Spirit has given it to him. We may admire, respect, and revere Him, but we cannot love Him on our own. The only One who truly loves the Lord Jesus is the Holy Spirit, and it is He who has “poured out in our hearts” the very “love of God” (Romans 5:5 ). Whenever the Holy Spirit sees an opportunity to glorify Jesus through you, He will take your entire being and set you ablaze with glowing devotion to Jesus Christ."
If I keep my focus on Christ and not my circumstances, then others will see me and call me happy!
Saturday, May 1, 2010
A Mother's Prayer
John 17:6-19, Jesus' prayer for His disciples, (my prayer for my sons). “I have revealed You to the ones You gave me from this world. They were always Yours. You gave them to me, and they have kept Your word. Now they know that everything I have is a gift from You, for I have passed on to them the message You gave me... My prayer is not for the world, but for those You have given me, because they belong to You. All who are mine belong to You, and You have given them to me, so they bring me glory... Holy Father, You have given me Your name; now protect them by the power of Your name so that they will be united just as we are. During my time here, I protected them by the power of the name You gave me. I guarded them so that not one was lost.. I told them many things while I was with them in this world so they would be filled with my joy. I have given them Your word... I’m not asking You to take them out of the world, but to keep them safe from the evil one. They do not belong to this world any more than I do. Make them holy by Your truth; teach them Your word, which is truth. Just as You sent me into the world, I am sending them into the world. And I give myself as a holy sacrifice for them so they can be made holy by Your truth."
My sons, nothing is more important to me than them. My time with them is brief and I have so much to teach them. Each day I look back upon the time I have spent with them and unfortunately, usually, I am saddened by how much I did not give to them. As a mother, I can be so hard on myself. I feel this pull, this need in so many different directions. My mother part becomes so overwhelming and my heart breaks at how much I do not give to my boys. I almost feel this urgency to give them everything I know, yet I must wait. In the everyday life, I usually loose my self control and instead of treating my boys with the respect and patience that I extend to everyone else, I loose it with my sons. I want them to see that my quiet time with God is important. I want to model that for them, so that they will one day develop that time for themselves. I want to teach them about what is really important and I know that most teaching comes from them watching what I do each day. I want them to see how to treat others, by watching me. Then, I loose it and yell at them... hypocrisy comes to my mind.
One thing that I am so thankful for is the fact that I am constantly looking and judging myself. Not so that I can live in a state of condemnation, but so that I can live better today than I did yesterday. I have a friend that asks God each day what she should wear. Each morning she goes to her closet and includes Christ on the shirt she chooses that day. Today, I went to my book of wisdom and asked God what I should wear so that I am a better mother today than I was yesterday.
Colossians 3:12-17, "Since God chose you to be the holy people He loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience... Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful. Let the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives. Teach and counsel each other with all the wisdom He gives. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts. And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father."
Oh God, how much I love you. Thank You, for opening my eyes to my children. Thank You, that the wounds I have already given, You can heal. Thank You, that the urgency I feel today is only really about the love I need to show. The clean rooms, the school work, the baths, the everyday work around the house, all I am supposed to do is love and guide them in their work. It is not about getting everything perfect. All that matters is that I model for them the love You have for them. Please Father, guard their eyes today, so that their hearts will be the well spring of Your life tomorrow, when they are grown. Help us to model for them what is really important and help us to get dressed everyday in Your love. Help me Jesus, so that I can truly pray for my sons the prayer You prayed for Your disciples.
My sons, nothing is more important to me than them. My time with them is brief and I have so much to teach them. Each day I look back upon the time I have spent with them and unfortunately, usually, I am saddened by how much I did not give to them. As a mother, I can be so hard on myself. I feel this pull, this need in so many different directions. My mother part becomes so overwhelming and my heart breaks at how much I do not give to my boys. I almost feel this urgency to give them everything I know, yet I must wait. In the everyday life, I usually loose my self control and instead of treating my boys with the respect and patience that I extend to everyone else, I loose it with my sons. I want them to see that my quiet time with God is important. I want to model that for them, so that they will one day develop that time for themselves. I want to teach them about what is really important and I know that most teaching comes from them watching what I do each day. I want them to see how to treat others, by watching me. Then, I loose it and yell at them... hypocrisy comes to my mind.
One thing that I am so thankful for is the fact that I am constantly looking and judging myself. Not so that I can live in a state of condemnation, but so that I can live better today than I did yesterday. I have a friend that asks God each day what she should wear. Each morning she goes to her closet and includes Christ on the shirt she chooses that day. Today, I went to my book of wisdom and asked God what I should wear so that I am a better mother today than I was yesterday.
Colossians 3:12-17, "Since God chose you to be the holy people He loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience... Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful. Let the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives. Teach and counsel each other with all the wisdom He gives. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts. And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father."
Oh God, how much I love you. Thank You, for opening my eyes to my children. Thank You, that the wounds I have already given, You can heal. Thank You, that the urgency I feel today is only really about the love I need to show. The clean rooms, the school work, the baths, the everyday work around the house, all I am supposed to do is love and guide them in their work. It is not about getting everything perfect. All that matters is that I model for them the love You have for them. Please Father, guard their eyes today, so that their hearts will be the well spring of Your life tomorrow, when they are grown. Help us to model for them what is really important and help us to get dressed everyday in Your love. Help me Jesus, so that I can truly pray for my sons the prayer You prayed for Your disciples.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Eye of the Tornado
Luke 15:11-31, "Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living...When he came to his senses, he said, 'How many of my father's hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men.' So he got up and went to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him."
I can think of no other time in my life when I tore my mothers heart more, than when I chose to leave the family. I was determined that I was going to do things my way and no one could stop me. It started when I ran off to Vegas and got married. Then the roller coaster ride of self destructions was started and no one could stop it. I would love to blame anyone else for my choices, but see they were my choices. I thought I was choosing what was best for me. I thought I was living life. It was wild, fun, exciting. What I could not see was that I was walking right into the lions den and pain was soon to follow.
My attitude toward my mother was, "You just do not understand me at all. I am doing what I have to, and I am going to be fine." I saw her panic over my life as just another way that she was trying to control me. She freaked out over the little things that she could see, what would she do if she ever found out the whole scope of my choices. If she thought that smoking a cigarette was bad, that was nothing. If she thought the clothes that I wore around her were inappropriate, at least I had them on. I thought there was no way she could handle the truth. All I ever wanted was to be accepted for who I was. Yet, even though my mothers intentions were good, I took it as rejection. For if she was having trouble with what she knew, she could never handle the truth. If she didn't accept my husband when he was on his best behavior, how could she accept him if... It was like, the more she tried to protect me from my choices, the harder I tried to show her I was fine in my life.
It was not my mother shoving God down my throat; it was not her telling me that I was making bad decisions that finally brought me home. She sent me Christian CDs. She started writing me letters telling me how much joy she found in me. It was love that brought me home. It was someone else talking about God that I heard Him. It was love that saved my memory of home.
The cool part is, I came home. It was my life and I was determined to destroy it. I thought I was doing what was best for me. I was running into the lion's den and no one could stop me. Another cool part, that is where I was finally able to allow God to help me. My mother's job was to raise me, then show me love. The more she screamed for me to stop, the harder I ran. When she started writing me the love letters, love was discovered. Home is what brought me back. Love saved my memory. It was good for me to know that she did not agree with my life choices, but it was my life. It was when she finally started truly loving me that I started to see the truth of my life. It was in the eye of the tornado, the quiet in the middle of the storm, that I was finally able to hear God calling me home.
I can think of no other time in my life when I tore my mothers heart more, than when I chose to leave the family. I was determined that I was going to do things my way and no one could stop me. It started when I ran off to Vegas and got married. Then the roller coaster ride of self destructions was started and no one could stop it. I would love to blame anyone else for my choices, but see they were my choices. I thought I was choosing what was best for me. I thought I was living life. It was wild, fun, exciting. What I could not see was that I was walking right into the lions den and pain was soon to follow.
My attitude toward my mother was, "You just do not understand me at all. I am doing what I have to, and I am going to be fine." I saw her panic over my life as just another way that she was trying to control me. She freaked out over the little things that she could see, what would she do if she ever found out the whole scope of my choices. If she thought that smoking a cigarette was bad, that was nothing. If she thought the clothes that I wore around her were inappropriate, at least I had them on. I thought there was no way she could handle the truth. All I ever wanted was to be accepted for who I was. Yet, even though my mothers intentions were good, I took it as rejection. For if she was having trouble with what she knew, she could never handle the truth. If she didn't accept my husband when he was on his best behavior, how could she accept him if... It was like, the more she tried to protect me from my choices, the harder I tried to show her I was fine in my life.
It was not my mother shoving God down my throat; it was not her telling me that I was making bad decisions that finally brought me home. She sent me Christian CDs. She started writing me letters telling me how much joy she found in me. It was love that brought me home. It was someone else talking about God that I heard Him. It was love that saved my memory of home.
The cool part is, I came home. It was my life and I was determined to destroy it. I thought I was doing what was best for me. I was running into the lion's den and no one could stop me. Another cool part, that is where I was finally able to allow God to help me. My mother's job was to raise me, then show me love. The more she screamed for me to stop, the harder I ran. When she started writing me the love letters, love was discovered. Home is what brought me back. Love saved my memory. It was good for me to know that she did not agree with my life choices, but it was my life. It was when she finally started truly loving me that I started to see the truth of my life. It was in the eye of the tornado, the quiet in the middle of the storm, that I was finally able to hear God calling me home.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Thanks Mom, I Needed That
How do I stop! I cannot stop praising my Lord to the nations.
Psalm 71, "O Lord, I have come to you for protection; don’t let me be disgraced. Save me and rescue me, for You do what is right. Turn your ear to listen to me, and set me free....My life is an example to many, because You have been my strength and protection. That is why I can never stop praising You; I declare Your glory all day long...But I will keep on hoping for Your help; I will praise You more and more. I will tell everyone about Your righteousness. All day long I will proclaim Your saving power, though I am not skilled with words. I will praise Your mighty deeds, O Sovereign Lord. I will tell everyone that You alone are just... Let me proclaim Your power to this new generation, Your mighty miracles to all who come after me. Your righteousness, O God, reaches to the highest heavens. You have done such wonderful things. Who can compare with You, O God? You have allowed me to suffer much hardship, but You will restore me to life again and lift me up from the depths of the earth. You will restore me to even greater honor and comfort me once again...I will shout for joy and sing Your praises, for You have ransomed me. I will tell about Your righteous deeds all day long..."
I want to share this email that my mom sent me yesterday... I was feeling bad...
"Hey, Honey,
I was listening to Ravi today...thought I'd tell you what he said....he was talking about answered prayer & how God sometimes is slow in answering...but he does answer...he called it 'time laden'.....said that sometimes when He is slow in answering, or is even quiet, that it's for the completion of those 'witnessing' it.....for instance,,,,Job was an upright man...but how could he earn such a description if he had not yet been subjected to the test necessary for perfection? God allowed the testing not only to shape Job, but also to give to us who come after him, an example of how an upright person works his way through pain & hurt...
Job already had an upright character, but through his struggles we observe how an upright person behaves in the midst of his pain....thats how the work of God gets displayed...perfection is not a change in the essential character, but the completion of a cause.....Matt. 5:48...Jesus tells us to "be perfect even as" His "Father in heaven is perfect." we can't BE who God is, but we can complete the task He assigns us to do. Always obey the will of the Father, even when He seems distant.
Habakkuk pleaded with God to explain how God could use a terrible people like the Babylonians as the judgment wrought against God's own people. Habakkuk literally screamed out the words...VIOLENCE, INJUSTICE, EVIL...."How can You do this?" But he waited patiently for the Lord to answer until God FINALLY repositioned His view...he says you can't always live on the 'mountain-top.....BUT when you walk through the valley, the memory, or the view from the mountain-top, will sustain you & give you the strength to carry you through UNTIL God's timing.....'A heart in close communion with God helps carry you through without words'.....what is essential is.........a sense of God's presence during our dark seasons of questioning.....
I hope you're feeling better....get a good night's rest & tomorrow will be better...I've had a couple of my own clients call today & ask me if the barometric pressure had anything to do with how badly they feel today...thought that interesting....maybe that's what happened with you today, too....
I love you so much, my precious daughter....we'll keep trusting the Lord & keep asking Him to hurry, but we will continue to trust Him.......in the meantime, take your xiao yao wan to help deal with the kids....also, you panax ginseng....but eat nuts, avacados.
etc....keep me posted.....luv u..............your mama"
Oh the tears stream once again as I read her words... Thank you Mama... I love you..
I sing this song in my heart--
"Tell me the story of Jesus, Write on my heart Every word. Tell me the story most Precious, Sweetest that ever was heard. Oh, how I love Jesus. Oh, how I love Jesus. Oh, how I love Jesus, because He first loved me."
http://www.rbc.org/devotionals/my-utmost-for-his-highest/01/07/devotion.aspx?year=2010
Psalm 71, "O Lord, I have come to you for protection; don’t let me be disgraced. Save me and rescue me, for You do what is right. Turn your ear to listen to me, and set me free....My life is an example to many, because You have been my strength and protection. That is why I can never stop praising You; I declare Your glory all day long...But I will keep on hoping for Your help; I will praise You more and more. I will tell everyone about Your righteousness. All day long I will proclaim Your saving power, though I am not skilled with words. I will praise Your mighty deeds, O Sovereign Lord. I will tell everyone that You alone are just... Let me proclaim Your power to this new generation, Your mighty miracles to all who come after me. Your righteousness, O God, reaches to the highest heavens. You have done such wonderful things. Who can compare with You, O God? You have allowed me to suffer much hardship, but You will restore me to life again and lift me up from the depths of the earth. You will restore me to even greater honor and comfort me once again...I will shout for joy and sing Your praises, for You have ransomed me. I will tell about Your righteous deeds all day long..."
I want to share this email that my mom sent me yesterday... I was feeling bad...
"Hey, Honey,
I was listening to Ravi today...thought I'd tell you what he said....he was talking about answered prayer & how God sometimes is slow in answering...but he does answer...he called it 'time laden'.....said that sometimes when He is slow in answering, or is even quiet, that it's for the completion of those 'witnessing' it.....for instance,,,,Job was an upright man...but how could he earn such a description if he had not yet been subjected to the test necessary for perfection? God allowed the testing not only to shape Job, but also to give to us who come after him, an example of how an upright person works his way through pain & hurt...
Job already had an upright character, but through his struggles we observe how an upright person behaves in the midst of his pain....thats how the work of God gets displayed...perfection is not a change in the essential character, but the completion of a cause.....Matt. 5:48...Jesus tells us to "be perfect even as" His "Father in heaven is perfect." we can't BE who God is, but we can complete the task He assigns us to do. Always obey the will of the Father, even when He seems distant.
Habakkuk pleaded with God to explain how God could use a terrible people like the Babylonians as the judgment wrought against God's own people. Habakkuk literally screamed out the words...VIOLENCE, INJUSTICE, EVIL...."How can You do this?" But he waited patiently for the Lord to answer until God FINALLY repositioned His view...he says you can't always live on the 'mountain-top.....BUT when you walk through the valley, the memory, or the view from the mountain-top, will sustain you & give you the strength to carry you through UNTIL God's timing.....'A heart in close communion with God helps carry you through without words'.....what is essential is.........a sense of God's presence during our dark seasons of questioning.....
I hope you're feeling better....get a good night's rest & tomorrow will be better...I've had a couple of my own clients call today & ask me if the barometric pressure had anything to do with how badly they feel today...thought that interesting....maybe that's what happened with you today, too....
I love you so much, my precious daughter....we'll keep trusting the Lord & keep asking Him to hurry, but we will continue to trust Him.......in the meantime, take your xiao yao wan to help deal with the kids....also, you panax ginseng....but eat nuts, avacados.
etc....keep me posted.....luv u..............your mama"
Oh the tears stream once again as I read her words... Thank you Mama... I love you..
I sing this song in my heart--
"Tell me the story of Jesus, Write on my heart Every word. Tell me the story most Precious, Sweetest that ever was heard. Oh, how I love Jesus. Oh, how I love Jesus. Oh, how I love Jesus, because He first loved me."
http://www.rbc.org/devotionals/my-utmost-for-his-highest/01/07/devotion.aspx?year=2010
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