Thank You

"My Lord,
Please allow me to work for You. Help me in this journey. Send people into my home that will help me grow stronger in my faith. Send others my direction that I can help and show them the love that You have so graciously shown me. You say, in Matthew 9:35ff, that so many people are hurting for You. You say that there are so few workers and that the ones who are lost need help in finding You. Please open my life, open my home and allow others to come in. Give me an accepting spirit so that no one feels left out. I beg You my Lord, allow my life and the gifts that You have blessed me with; be a doorway for others to find You. Allow my home to be open to all. As I watch others still trapped in the lies of this world, my heart breaks for them. I know what it feels like to be surrounded by darkness and trapped in a bitter, hurtful existence.

We have been making plans to build a new home. Please help us on this journey. If a new home is what we need, so that more people can be drawn to You and we can open our doors for more to come in, please help us to do this. If a new home would shut more people out and hinder them and make them feel even more distant from us, then please close this door. I would love to live in a nice big house with a wonderful yard, but if it will cause even more people to feel like we are so far from their world and that we cannot possibly understand what they are going through, then what is the use of having a home Your people will not enter. I want this home, but I want to do Your work even more. Please guide us Father, in this. Please help us in this process and what ever the answer, let us be happy and content with that answer.

How I praise You my Lord, my Savior, my Friend. Thank You for answering so many of my prayers. I had no idea that I could ever be so blessed. It is not just the material things, they are a plus and I enjoy them, but if You took all of it away tomorrow, I would still praise you. I thank You for blessing me with Your presence. I thank You for allowing me to find the purity, the peace, the satisfaction of knowing You. I can live without any of the material things, but I thank You my Lord, that I will never have to live without You again. Thank You for these times in the morning, so that I can spend it with You. Thank You for helping me to rise early, so that I can begin the day with You and Your work on my heart. I have a purpose in this world and it all begins with You.

Help me to stay focused throughout the day, when my children are trying the last of my patience. Help me to show them the patient love that You have so graciously shown me. Help me to raise them with You in their heart and allow them to lead a life that pleases You, all of the days of their life. Allow me to be the wife that my husband needs me to be. Help me to be the helper for him that You desire me to be. Give me the right words, in the right tone when I speak to him. Help me to encourage him to be the man that You desire him to be; a strong, good man with integrity. Give him peace and lift the burden of this world from his shoulders. Allow him to enjoy every day in Your service. Help me to be the friend to others that I need to be. Help me to open my home to who ever may need it. Let whoever walks through our home, to feel at peace. Keep our home warm with your love and let all who enter, feel Your love here. Most of all Lord, help us in this journey to help Your people. Help me so that I can help You. Bless me so thta I can bless others. I want to make You proud and I want this because You love me so much.

Thank You Father for so much. Thank You for staying with me through all of my many trials. Thank You for never giving up on me. Thank You for surrounding me with people who wanted to help me, to see You. Thank You for allowing me to feel loved. Thank You for my family, my parents, and my brothers. Thank You for allowing me to always feel welcomed in their home. Thank You for my husband. Thank You for giving me such a strong man. Thank You for the purity that You surrounded him with, so that he could help pass that on to me. I thank You for guarding his mind and his heart. You gave him such strength; You knew exactly what I would need. Thank You for my boys. Thank You for softening my heart. Thank You for allowing me to see my bitter and broken heart. Thank You for softening my heart for them, so that I did not damage their souls. I thank You my Lord, for everything. Most of all, Thank You for the sacrifice that You made for me, so that I would not have to live in darkness for eternity.

In You Son's Most Holy and Precious Name,

Amen"

A Satisfied Feeling

I want to talk about several things that I mentioned in my last blog. Opposite sex bashing, we have to stop this, and false intimacy. These two things have been heavy on my heart and mind. These are two of the most important things that we need to change in our lives.

First is bashing the opposite sex. Girls, if you go around bashing men, how are you going to enjoy anything about them? Men are not dumb dogs that need to kicked around every day. Men and women are completely different. I am so thankful for this. I used to hate it, but now I enjoy it. Guys, women are not stupid and irrational. We both offer different qualities that the other is lacking. You have to stop looking so critically at each other. God made us both and he made us in his image. If you take one of us away from the union, you are experiencing only part of God. But when you see us both working together, you can see the fullness of God. Yes, everyone is flawed, everyone makes mistakes; do you want your spouse to judge you with the same harshness that you judge them?

You have to filter what you put in your mind. Filter first what goes in, and then what comes out will not be so hard to control. It is not okay to sit around and talk about how stupid your husband is. I had to learn something: I had to learn that when I bashed other men, my husband, who I was not bashing, took it personal. Even though I was looking at the "idiotic, perverted, disgusting" things of other men my husband was getting hit, as a man. Just throwing blanket statements in the air is not okay. Watching shows on television that bring our men down, is not okay. We say we want strong men and where did they all go; just look at what society is saying to men. "You are worthless. All that you think about is beer and sex. How stupid you are. Can you do anything right?" The last things that I want my little boys growing up thinking are, "I was born the wrong sex, I cannot please a girl, so why try." Oh my goodness that would be a horrible feeling. Do you want your little girls to settle, because "men are stupid" anyway. I chose to ignore the fact that my ex was into porn, because "he was just a guy and all guys are into porn." This is not true! It is a lie that our society has told us since we were young. Men are not bad. They are not the enemy. Women are not stupid, emotional wrecks. We have passion. Embrace the passion. When we come together we have logic, emotion, go getters, home sustainers, mighty conquers, soft touches, strong embracers, and soft pillows. Together, we are closer to the image of our Father. Apart from each other we are further apart from the full image of our Lord. Embrace the differences, and learn from each other

I also want to explain False Intimacy. Harry Schaumburg explains it better and in more depth in his book, but I will give it my shot. One of the reasons men go to clubs and women turn to movies and romance novels is because they want to be intimate without the fear of rejection. Men would come into the club and I would make them feel like they were the "studs". They liked the illusion that I would paint for them. It is amazing to me the things they would believe, the lies that I told them and then they would go out feeling very fulfilled. It was a lie. I would tell them exactly what I thought they wanted to hear, and they would believe it. How stupid, was always my response. Women do the exact same thing. There is a hero in every movie and in every book. The reason you love it is because it is not real. No wife can compete with the girl imagined and no husband can compete with the perfect man. There is no perfect person. This is life! Only one can satisfy with perfection and that is Christ. The fantasy is not better, you are always left feeling "lied" to, because you are. A husband will never be satisfied by his wife, if he is living in fantasy. A wife will always be disappointed in her husband if she thinks he should be a hero every day. It may seem better to escape into fantasy, but life always comes back around. If you try to escape, you will be hit even harder in the long run.

The answer that you are looking for is God. Try and be the best wife you can be. Serve and respect your husband. If you do not respect the man, then respect his position. Be the best husband that you can be. Love your wife as Christ loved the church. He gave His life for you. He served his followers; He served them without waiting for them to serve Him. If we would put God and His ways back into our marriages, everyone would be left feeling satisfied.

Viagra

There was a time in my past that I was so hurt; I became mean, bitter, just down right rude. I was so disgusted by men. I would be nice to their face, but all the while thinking how pathetic they were. I respected very few of them, if that. They were weak.

Right after I got married, for the second time, I got pregnant. I begged God to give me a little girl. I hated men, so how could I raise one. Well, in his mighty knowledge, he gave me a little boy. I guess Eric, my first born, was about 4 to 6 months old. My husband and I were driving and I was bashing men, as usual. My husband turned to me, pointed in the back seat and said, "What you say about men, he will turn out to be. You are raising a man." This hit home. God answered my prayers. I needed a man child to soften my bitter and broken heart. My goals have changed. Instead of tearing every man down, I want to build them up. I want to help marriages. I want my house to be open for anyone, including men. (When the opposite sex is in our house, both of us are here. I don't go that far, we do have house rules to keep us in check.)

In Matthew 5:22-32, it talks about adultery and divorce. "But I say, if anyone who even looks at a woman with lust in his eye has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Men are visual. A man can look at a woman and get all the fix that he needs. In the club that I worked in, we would be on stage for two songs. Then we would rotate stages. The first song we would dance with our clothes still on. I could never understand why I would make just as many tips during that song as I did the second, when the clothes would come off. The imagination is a very strong thing. Don't get me wrong, women are just as guilty about porn. Most women just get their fix with romance novels. The imagination goes wild when it is left unchecked. That is why many times people think that something, anything other than what they already have is going to be great, but after they get it they are left disappointed. Reality is never as good as your imagination. I feel sorry for women and men who are battling against their spouses addiction to pornography. The spouse will always loose. No one can compete with what is imagined. Viagra would loose its business if men would get out of porn. Yes, some men need it because of medical conditions. Give me a break, not that many men are impotent. I never had any difficulty getting any reaction when I was in the club, not one time. (Okay, that was harsh) People fall in love with something that is not real. Your spouse is enough. If a wife is not "doing it" for her husband, if he doesn't get excited just by being near her; look at what he is focusing on. If people would just stop fixating on the illusions that someone else is better, many marriages would be saved.

In Matthew 5:32 it talks about unfaithfulness and that is an "excuse" to get a divorce. In my commentary it says, "This does not mean that divorce should automatically occur when a spouse commits adultery. The word translated "unfaithful" implies a sexually immoral life-style, not a confessed and repented act of adultery. Those who discover that their partner has been unfaithful should first make every effort to forgive, reconcile, and restore their relationship. We are always to look for reasons to restore the marriage relationship rather than for excuses to leave it." Matthew 6:14-15, "If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins." Commentary, "When we don't forgive others, we are denying our common ground as sinners." Matthew 7:1-5, talks about helping to get the speck in someone's eye when their is a log in yours. Commentary, "The traits that bother us in others are often the habits we have ourselves."

Before you bash someone for living a certain way, before you condemn a man for falling into temptation, look at what you are doing behind closed doors. What kind of fantasies are you living in. Pornography, strip clubs, prostitution, and yes romance novels are never the answer for a good life. (Don't forget those girls who work in that lifestyle, they are not the enemy. They are hurt because of this lie, probably more than anyone. My heart cries for all of them.) That life is only an illusion that will destroy everyone involved. The only answer to a good life is a softened heart, living in forgiveness for ourselves and others, looking to Christ for our pleasure instead of worldly things, and living to the best of our ability as Christ wants us to live.

Deserts of Life

I love to read in the mornings. I have started over in the New Testament. The things that I read are profound. They jump out at me at different times and strike a cord. I used to get so confused when I would hear anything on the Beatitudes in Matthew 5. I would see that the ones who were suffering were the ones who were blessed. I am sorry, this is just wrong. Does God want us to suffer? "Blessed are the poor in spirit, blessed are those who mourn, blessed are the meek..." When I would hear this I would get confused. Why are people blessed when they go through hard times? Why is it that the ones who are lowly, are the ones lifted up? I can see the answer now. When you go through the deserts of life, when you experience pain, when you feel all alone; this is when you see, feel, and experience God in your life. This is when you can finally open your eyes and watch him work. This is when you finally give up, trying to do it on your own, and let God do the work for you. If you really want to get out of the hurt and the hard times, God will work, if you will just let him.

Sunday morning I had wanted to go to Church with my ex, but he did not want to go. He said, "he didn't want to "share" me with anyone since I was going to be gone for a few days." We stayed home and I got mad. I wanted him to change so I could change. I could have changed first, but I wanted him to lead me in the change. This was where I was weak. This is the part that I regret the most. I was too weak to change and follow God first. I was a follower, even though I thought that I was the one in the lead. This was my dessert. In order for God's power to open my eyes, I had to want to be different more than anything else.

I lived by Corpus Cristi TX, and I was on my way to Austin to see my mom and get acupuncture the next day. I had been listening to Joyce, wanting to change. I had destroyed my life. My innocence was completely gone. My mind was completely distorted from the drugs. God had to intervene. I did not know what was about to take place, I just knew something had to be different. I asked God to help me, I was at the bottom. I was in a pit so deep that I could not even see how it had all happened. All that I knew was things were completely out of control. I was going to die and this really did scare me. Even though I thought death would be better, I was scared. I needed help.

I got to Austin and my family started in on me. I was terrified, I did not want to leave my ex. I needed things to change, but I did not want that much to change. God knew what I needed in order to save my soul, in order to restore my life. I regret that I was not strong enough to change on my own, but I do not regret the life that God has blessed me with now. He saw me, even though I could not yet see him. He pulled me out of the grip of death and gave me a new life.

God gave me something that I never dreamed I could have, he gave me purity. I feel clean. I feel pure. I have an innocence about my life that does not show the scars of my past. God gave me a new life all because I asked him for help and followed him. Every door that opened, I went in. I was terrified, but I walked through every open door. It was hard, I had dug the pit. It was work, but it was so worth the effort. I am so glad that I saw God in the desert of my life. Now I live on the mountain of forgiveness and new beginnings. A fresh start.

Drugs vs Freedom

These past few days I have been browsing other blogs. I have been looking at blogs that have drugs as an interest. Out of all of the blogs that I have seen, this topic is the saddest. Anyone who has drugs as one of their interests; their stories are full of darkness. There is no hope, no life, no true joy (that inner joy that makes every day worth living for). I look at my life now and see how truly far I have come. I see life around me. I have bad days, but these days are not hopeless.

I remember sitting in my tiny house, feeling hopeless. I would get high, thinking that was the only way I could cope with life. Getting high alone is totally different than getting high and going out with friends. If drugs were so great it would not matter if you were alone or with others, getting high would be great no matter what. But when you are alone, you are surrounded; this is when the knives come out. This is when the cutting happens. This is when you tear at your flesh trying to relieve the pain. I do not know how many times I came so close to death. When you start doing a lot of drugs, you become so alone, and yet you never really want to be alone. The drugs trap you and you cannot help but be alone. I trapped myself in a world that no one could enter, no matter how hard they tried. I am so glad that I am out of that world. When I start thinking that getting high sounds so good, I remember just how sad it really is and the desire is easily destroyed. I would never want to trade my life now, for that life then.

One of the Jewish customs of baptism is a ritual done with the bride to be. The bride goes into the water (Mikvah) to be immersed. There are three different symbols that take place here. I love this.
1. Right of purification- She is washed, she is purified, she is clean (After period she goes to the Mikvah to be washed. Her egg died (was not fertilized) and she is washed from the bleeding, she is clean).
2. Separation of old life/Burial of old life- She is no longer single, she is now united to her husband
3. Change in authority status- Before she goes under the water she is under the authority of her father. As she comes up out of the water she is no longer under her father, but her husband.

The Mikvah separates one form of life of living from a new life, new living. Mikvah purifies. It is a total immersion, a complete life change.

This is so cool, I just love this. I have been very interested in the Jewish customs for some time now. Jesus was a Jew. He was speaking to Jews. In order to understand what he was saying and where he was coming from I had to understand the Jewish customs. Baptism is all over the New Testament, but it started during Moses' time. Why? One big element of it, is a custom for the bride to be baptized (immersed). We are the bride of Christ.

Christian Baptism
1. Right of purification- we are washed to cleanse us of our sins
2. Separation of old life- We are no longer living for ourselves, but living for God. Our old life is dead we are buried to old life of sin.
3. Change in authority status- We are no longer under sins control, we are under Christ's control.

We are baptised into the Lord's death, burial and Resurrection. We are baptised into the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. It is not partial change, but full life change.

In the Jewish custom; after the bride (those who believe in Christ) was baptized the groom (Christ) would go and build a wedding chamber (chuppah), a room for her, on his fathers (God) house. Sometimes this process would take a very long time, 12 months or more. When the father decided that it was fit and the groom was ready, the father would send the young man out to get his bride, who had been waiting for him. She never knew when he was going to come. Her job was to be waiting, keeping him at the center of her heart.

Christ always refers to us as his bride, he is always the Groom. John 14: 2-3, Christ is going to prepare a place for us in his Father's house. Mathew 25: 1-13, Parable of the ten bridesmaids. Five of the brides were prepared, waiting for their groom. Five were foolish and did not prepare, they did not think ahead to the coming of their Lord.

I have hope. I am watching and waiting for my Groom to come. I am clean. I am pure. I will not return to the old way. I will not destroy myself any longer. I will mess up, but Christ will continually clean me. Christ died for me, my Groom died for me. He conquered death and paid the price for my redemption. I choose to be different, because he loves me. My life is different. I am no longer alone. The hurt is gone; life has taken its place. I will be baptized for my wedding day. I will be baptized for the right reasons. I love my Lord. I want to follow his comands. My life has changed, I am different.

Embracing Multiple Sclerosis

I got MS when I was 20, in college. It hit me hard and fast. My mother would have to come and help me take my finals because I could not pick up a pen, brush my teeth, put on my make up, or walk very well. I had incidences of urinary incontinence. I slept all of the time. I just could not function. Then we discovered Chinese acupuncture and herbs. This helped me to live a normal existence, but I still have times of symptoms. The difference now, is that the symptoms do not control my life, my attitude. They do not rob me of my joy.

MS is not a curse. It is an opportunity for God's glory to be shown through me. I love this. I really do. I can relate with so many people in so many different aspects of this life. There are not many things that people can say they have gone through, that I cannot relate with. I understand. How many people can say that? I do not wish for more things to happen, but I am glad for what I have experienced. What Satan meant for evil, to destroy me; God meant for good, to make me stronger. I have changed my thought life. I had to, or I would be miserable.

People look at me now and say, "Yes, but you do not struggle like I do. I am worse than you." God has blessed me with a time of healing, he has. But this does not mean that I have not experience that fear, that unrest, that feeling of being completely out of control, the pain, the uncertainty, the loneliness. I felt like God was punishing me. What had I done that was really so bad? Yes, I had struggled with having sex with my boyfriends, but did I deserve this? I was trying to live a life that would make God happy with me. I just needed to get married and the one thing that had always haunted me would be fixed, right? God was never punishing me. He loved me just as much then as he does now. What I could not see were the other people who needed me to go through this. He needed me to experience so much of this life. Just look at the people who God can help, through my tough times. I am not saying that God directed all of my life. The choices that I made were my choices. I just choose to use those choices for good. I have to set myself free. This world is not my home I am just passing through.

What happens to my life, is really not important. God being glorified, is important. I ask him to allow me to work for him through my health. I want to glorify him with my life of energy and strength. But, if he needs me to be sick, well that is what he needs. Who am I to challenge this? I will use my health to the best of my ability. I want to show his love through my health, but if he needs others to see his strength through my weakness, so be it. I will not doubt him and his wisdom. I surrender this life for him. I will work for him no matter what my physical body goes through. I am not here for physical enjoyment any longer. I am here to do the work of my Lord. I pray that others who come in contact with me; can come in contact with God and find their Savior. It does not really matter if I am healthy, living in a nice house, enjoying all of the benefits of this world; or living with the worst of MS, and living in a camping trailer. What matters is that God uses my life to his glory. This life, even though it may seem long, is only a brief moment in time. What matters is that I glorify my Savior and others are touched because of this. How awful it would be if I lived this life and it meant nothing for the kingdom of heaven.

If you question God, if you doubt him, you will be miserable. It is not our job to question. It is our job to serve. Do I get it all right? No, not even close. I am trying. I am serving my Lord, the best that I can. I serve him because he loves me. I serve him to show my love for him. I know that he does not try to hurt me. He loves me. If someone else will come to Christ because they watch me endure with my Lord, through my struggles, then praise God. Another life has been saved! Who knows, it may just save my own sons or husband. How much I would love to say, my family was strong in the Lord, because they watched him with me, even through the hard times. This was the testimony of my Grandmother. God was glorified through her life of 43 different surgeries. He was seen through her sickness. Your sickness can be a gift of salvation for someone else. Our job is to show the glory of God, no matter what our circumstances are.

My Mother

This past weekend we celebrated my mothers 60th B-Day. We made a book of memories for her where people from her life wrote in and shared a memory they had of her. The book turned out wonderful. It is good to have help looking back on our life and seeing that it was well spent. It is so easy to look only at what we do wrong, sometimes we need help to see the good.
This is what I wrote for my mom, in her book of her life:


My Mother,

What can I say to you? How thankful I am for you and all that you have done for me. As a child you encouraged me to follow my interests. You allowed me to bring in every creepy, crawling thing that I discovered. Your little girl was worse than your little boys. You guided me in prayer every night with our Lord. Even though I resisted this, I am so glad you were faithful, for me. You inspired me to be a beautiful woman. Oh, how truly beautiful you were. This is a blessing; you lit up the room when you entered. Everyone wanted to be with you. You showed me how to love and have fun. You showed me spontaneity and how to live this life with joy. All of the kids wanted to be at our house, you were so much fun. Life was in our home, because of you. You are my teacher, you are my friend, you are my wonderful mother.

I am so glad that you never gave up on me. I struggled for many years on trying find out who I was and needed to become. You were right there, right beside me all of the way. I do not have a memory that you are not there, trying to help me. Even though I am not as gentile as you were and my patience are thin; you showed me what I desire in mothering. I know, that no matter what, if I need you, you are here. Isn’t that what we are supposed to show our children about God? That if we need him, all we have to do is; let him know and he is here. You have portrayed that image very well. You have done a truly, good job.

I wish that you would look back on your life and see your successes. Do not concentrate on your failures, for even in your weakest moments, his strength is present. You are an image of your Father. When I see you and how much you love me, I know that he loves me too. You have done your job well and I thank you for that. Even when I was at my darkest, your arms were open. Even when I was dying, you were there offering me life. Oh, my precious mom, How can I Thank You? I can never repay you for all that you have done. I can never offer you the love, you offered me. You have given your life for me and I will always have the deepest gratitude for that. Don’t you see it, don’t you see Christ in you. You are his image. You allowed me to see him, even when the ocean was at its darkest. Do you see that you helped to save me? I DO!

I have watched you grow. I have seen you in ways that no one else has ever seen you. I know your deepest love and I have felt your passion. Because of you, I am okay. You no longer have to worry about me, I am setting you free! Take a deep breath and know that you did your job well. Well done good and faithful servant. Your children are saved and your life was well spent. Look back and smile because the rest of us are. As we look back on your life, we can truly rejoice.

Thank you sweet woman of God,

I Love you,

J

Good, Godly, Strong Men

We went this weekend to visit my family in Austin, TX. We were celebrating the birth of my brother's son and my mom's 60th birthday. What an awesome weekend! I have been blessed with a very strong, very loving family. My oldest brother is married and now has four children, ages new to 11 yrs. My second brother is single, living to the best of his ability a single, pure life for Christ. I am the third. I am the only girl and the one my family loved back to Christ.

It was very good being with my family. I wish we lived closer so that I could see them more often. I don't know, maybe this is best so that we appreciate each other more. It is really neat to sit and watch the family dynamics when we get together. My middle brother, we call him Uncle, is the kids play station. My boys love and adore him. Uncle can do no wrong in their eyes. My youngest son is named after him and the new baby bears Uncle's first name. It is really comforting going home, even though we do not all agree with everything, we are very close. I am very blessed to have this family I know, this is rare and most people do not share the closeness that my family possesses. I have to believe that this was God's design for families, a close union, a loving family. Even when I was at my worst my family welcomed me in. They loved me back to Christ, by keeping me close to them.

I want to talk a little about my brother, Uncle. He is now 36, he is a virgin, never drinks, like I said he tries to live a very pure life. My thoughts about my brother have changed greatly over the years. I used to think that he was weak and missing out on life, a prude. I thought that he should go out and experience this life and all that it offers. My opinion has changed and my respect for men like him is abounding. If he does get married he will give his wife something that most men cannot, his very self. She will not ever have to share him with anyone, his mind will be pure. This is awesome, I know... I have this with my husband.

Many women feel like they could never have a godly man. They feel like they are too tainted to ever expect a man that is pure. I know, I was very darkened by this world. To expect a clean, pure man was out of the question, but I got one. My husband was a virgin when we met, he only drank twice, he was not into porn, he was pure. How could someone like me, get a man like that? How could I be content with someone like that? With God all things are possible. With God no one is better than the other and every one deserves the same amount of respect and opportunities. No one should ever feel like they have gone too far and that they should just settle for someone. A godly man will love with the love of Christ and hold nothing against a woman who has a past. We all have a past, a present and a wonderful future, with God in the lead.

I am here to say that there are good, godly men still out there, they do exist. There is no woman that has a past so awful, she cannot be forgiven. This does not mean that you are forgiven by God, but don't expect a good man to come into your life. It is the opposite. Expect the best for yourself, do not settle for less and love yourself enough to allow God the chance to work. There are strong men out there that can handle any woman's past.

Tools for Recovery

I wanted to share some of the tools that God provided for me in getting out of the dark world that I had created for myself.

Joyce Meyer - I would listen to Joyce as I was driving around getting high. I knew I needed to change and it started with listening to the right information. I had to fill my mind, before my heart was ready to follow.
http://www.joycemeyer.org/

After I got out of the stripping life style, I had to change the music that I listened to. I started by listening to music that was not hard core drugs and sex. Now, I usually listen to Christian music. I am filled this way and I feel good. I also listen to XM Audio Visions, it helps to keep the house atmosphere calm.

Joe beam - He writes books on spiritual war fair, marriage, and other christian books. I listened to his tapes. I like to listen, more than I like to read.
http://www.joebeam.com/

Stone Gate Brief Intensive Counseling - This helped me to see what I was doing and that I was not a victim. I had to realize this so that I could change my life.
http://www.stonegateresources.org/

These are just some of the tools that can help in changing your life. I had to surround myself with new friends and be "bored" for a time until I became energized by my new surroundings. I truly have more fun now than I ever did before. It did take work and effort on my part, but with God's help anything is possible.

Sex, caution this one is blunt.

For some reason this morning, I woke up wanting to talk about sex. I want to explain the difference between good Godly sex and sex that has been distorted because of the world we live in. The first time that I had sex, I was fifteen. After that, sex is what made me feel wanted, special, powerful, and beautiful. This is how I had power. Sex is a very powerful tool. I know it is, I have used it all of my life. While on one hand I had all of these good feelings; I had horrible self hate feelings of disgust, worthlessness, dirty, used, and betrayed. Sex is not supposed to be used for any of these things, the outcome is supposed to be wonderful. You are supposed to feel closer to your husband and he is supposed to feel closer to you. I would like to compare my two marriages. I want to show what is good and wonderful. I want to help others see the bad, before it gets bad. This is not meant to offend anyone. This is meant to help, so here we go...

My first husband, at first, always wanted me to tell him stories during sex. I would make up different stories about other men having sex with me. We looked at magazines together, and watched videos. I felt wrong about it, but he was my husband so I thought it would be fine, and this is what he wanted. I wanted to please him. One of the bad things about going into the world of porn is that it is never enough. He needed more. So he wanted me to have sex with other men, so that he could watch. I fought this one! I offered him to watch me with other girls, this didn't do it. He wanted to watch me with other men. The whole reason that I got married was so that I could stop having sex with other men. That is how I ended up being a stripper. He could watch me with other men, but I would not have to have sex with them. Sex is like a drug, the more you do it the more you need. Porn is like that too. The more you look at it, the more you need; the playboys just don't cut it for long. We had a lot of sex, but the more sex we had the more violent and empty it became. Ugh, I can't stay in this world any longer; I have to talk now about the other...

Sex with my husband, now, is wonderful. It is Godly! It is good! I have never been more satisfied; I have never had so much sex. Now that is saying a lot. How can sex satisfy without using the stimulants of this world? Trust me it can. This sex is not always wild, in fact, most of the time it is just simple sex. Having MS, I like my back rubbed a lot. Well while he is rubbing my back, we are having sex. It is simple, it is sweet, it is pure, and lets face it, it just feels good. Is it always like this, no sometimes I like to knock his socks off:) But it is with a good caring man who values and cherishes me. Let me tell you it is wonderful. We have sex, on average, 5 to 7 times a week. It is good clean sex. The way God intended. If you need a story to read, read Song of Songs, it will do it for you. Yes, sex is in the bible and it is good.

Do you see that God made sex? It does not need outside influences to be wonderful. In fact those outside influences are never enough, you will need more. So don't even go there. If you want wonderful sex, be good to each other. Men help her out with the kids and the house, so that she is not so tired. Women dress nice or at least take a bath every day and fix your hair and face. If you need to send him out with a quick flash from you, so that he does not need to look at someone else, do it. Keep the excitement, tease one another. Make sure that your spouse knows you desire and want them. God created sex to be good in a marriage. Don't taint it by bringing the world into your bed.

I can talk more about sex, but I don't want to offend anyone. If someone wants more info let me know. I have lived two very different lives, as a married woman. Trust me I have been in the sex industry world and all that it in tells. But after that world, I have been in the good, clean world with a good caring man. Clean is always better than dirty! I can help with discovering the difference, before you have to discover the difference.

Husbands Wives

I was reading 1 Peter 3:1-7. This talks about husbands and wives. Two main passages stood out to me, one for husbands and one for wives. Many women get very tense when talking about their role as a wife. I can understand this, it is in self defense. You want to protect your rights. But this is what it says to wives, "In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands, even those who refuse to accept the Good News. Your godly lives will speak to them better than any words. They will be won over by watching your pure, godly behavior." I used to think that if your husband was living in sin and refused to change, then you needed to get out. You have the right to leave. This says something different, it says to stay and continue living a godly life, so that he may be won over. You cannot preach to them, you must show them with your love. Your changed life will be an example and they will follow. It never says that it will happen in the timing that you desire. It just says to do it. It may take your whole life. Isn't his soul worth that? Christ gave his life for you. What is your life when you are talking about his soul?

Husbands, now this needs to be emphasized more often, "In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat her with understanding as you live together...she is your equal partner in God's gift of new life. If you don't treat her as you should, your prayers will not be heard." Husbands your prayers will not be heard if you do not treat your wives as you should. Now this is big. How many times does it say that God will not listen to you? He listens and cares for you and tries to help you all of the time. This is huge. Treating your wife as you should is a very strong command, "your prayers will not be heard" if you don't!

"A man who honors his wife will protect, respect, help and stay with her. He will lighten her load wherever he can. He will be sensitive to her needs, and he will relate to her with courtesy, consideration, insight, and tact. If a man is not considerate and respectful of his wife, his prayers will not be heard, because a living relationship with God depends on right relationships with others...If men use their position to mistreat their wives, their prayers will not be heard." This is from the commentary on this passage.

It is equal. Wives respect and honor your husbands. Live with them so that they may be won over and their souls saved. Husbands honor and treat your wives lovingly, so that your prayers will be heard.

I am so thankful that my husband, now, is a good and caring man. He treats me to the best of his ability, the way that Christ treated his followers. He is kind and helpful. I try my best to be the kind of woman that God instructs me to be. I try to be the helper that my husband needs. In saying all of this, I have so many regrets. I failed at my previous marriage. It was my role as helper, to help my husband. I only fed his weakness. I have a great life and husband now. But, this does not relieve the burden that I feel in leaving my ex husband, in a life of sin. I can only pray that he found God and a stronger woman, than I was, to help him on his journey.

Your life can be just fine; it can be wonderful, even after divorce. But, with divorce there are so many regrets. I failed as a wife. I cannot look only at my failures, but I can learn from them, and be determined to do better now and in the future. I cannot concentrate on the past, but I can look forward to the goal for which Christ is calling me heavenward. Be the best wife you can be, no matter what your husband is doing. If you can stay spiritually strong in the marriage, if you can stay in love with your Lord, if you will not lose your salvation by staying married, then stay in the marriage. Your husbands soul is worth it. Be the best husband that you can be. Help your wife for her day is full. Your work day does not end at 5pm, but it only begins. As a team the burden is lighter for both, alone it is so heavy. Embrace one another, be thankful and always pray for God's guidance and strength. Both of your souls are worth it.

Changing Churches

After the last Ladies Night Out, April 7, I came home and my husband started talking with me. He felt that the time was right for us to change churches. As I was listening to him, I had many different emotions. I had wanted to change churches several years ago, when I had babies and there was no nursery provided. I was struggling then. Now it was different. We were teaching the high school, college class on Sunday morning. I had just started teaching the Ladies Night Out. I was feeling useful; I was feeling like I was making a difference. As I listened to the conversation, I quickly noticed all of the "I." It really did not matter what I was feeling. My husband, who is the head of my home, who is held responsible for our family's salvation, was not feeling the same things that I was feeling. In fact he was feeling hurt, devalued, and stunted in his growth and the things that he could accomplish there. So we needed to take action.

We talked with many different older men about the situation trying to make a wise decision. Next, was talking to the correct people at our church to make sure that no one took it personally that we were leaving. There was a brand new youth minister; he needed to know that it had nothing to do with him. We needed to talk with the preacher and let him know that it was not his fault. He was the reason that we had stuck it out this long. But, lets face it, you cannot go to church for one man, you must go for your relationship with God. So this is what we have done. I am so glad that we have made the transformation. We are feeling connected and see many opportunities to serve God in our new church home.

In saying all of this, I have to talk about the other...We have not received one phone call. Not one person has asked us what happened. We hear from others, "that everyone knows", but the ones we are hearing it from are not the full time members there. Not one phone call! I am not sure how to take this. It is not like we were just another family who was continually jumping churches. We had been there, at that church, for many years. My husband grew up there. I have been going there ever since I moved to town, over 7 yrs ago. We were teaching classes, we were trying to be involved. As I watch this unfold, I can see how people can become so hurt and so turned off from "church." I am not really that hurt or surprised. People have their own lives, they have their own struggles. I see how I have been that person. I have been that person who should have picked up the phone. I have been the one giving hugs Sunday morning, putting on the "Sunday smile." Then we leave "church" and enter into our own world. We say we are a body that needs every part, but is the part really missing when someone leaves. I have heard the saying, "If you throw a frog in boiling water it will jump out, but if you turn up the heat slowly it will cook itself." I don't feel like anything we did was slow. We were teaching one Sunday and at a new church the next. Not one phone call, not one.

I have to look at this as a growing opportunity. I feel like, many times you cannot relate with others in their struggle, unless you have either been through it personally or witnessed it first hand. Now I know. My eyes have been opened. Will I miss it in the future, when this happens to someone? I am sure that I will. But I will be more aware. Even when it feels uncomfortable, I will have to pick up that phone, to make that one phone call. God has shown me a valuable lesson that I was failing with in the past. I hope I have learned from this experience, so that I do not make this mistake any longer. This is when you can consider it joy when you go through trials. They are times to learn from and grow.

What are your Actions saying about your Faith?

I was reading James this morning, I love this book. I think I like it so much, because I need direct instructions. I guess I just need a lot of help with the obvious. During the past few months I have been rereading my bible and the things that I have underlined and written myself. I go back to the passages that stood out to me the most, read them, then read the commentary at the bottom of the page, about that passage. I use the Life Application Study Bible, I like to see more about the scripture and dig deeper into its meaning.

I read Chapters 1-3 this morning and they talk about your desires and faith with actions. Actually it talks about much more than just that, but this is what hit me the most. In the commentary it discusses further about how the book of James complements the book of Romans. James 2:18 states, "Now some may argue, "Some people have faith; others have good deeds." I say, "I cannot see your faith if you don't have good deeds, but I will show you my faith through my good deeds." In Romans 3:28 it says, "We are made right with God through faith and not by obeying the law." These verses may seem to contradict each other, but in reality they complement one another.

Good deeds will never earn you salvation, but true faith always results in a changed life. A changed life always produces good deeds. With this I can easily look back upon my life and discover when I really had true faith. Does this mean that I get everything right? Absolutely not. What am I producing, what am I centering my thought life around? If you question your faith, all you have to look upon is your fruit. Does an apple tree produce only good apples? No there are some apples that are spoiled before they ever hit the ground. No one can do good all of the time. But, you can look at your life and see what the main fruit that you are producing is. Every day you can see what is in your heart. Is there more turmoil in your life? Are you feeling like you have to do all of the heavy lifting? No matter what situation that you are in, do you feel empty? In order to have a good day, does everything have to go as you desire? Or can you find peace during the storms? What do you live in: chaos or peace? Is your house or car in a constant state of disaster? This is a good way to tell what your inner self looks like. Yet, others take this a different way, their outside looks very well kept, while their heart is full of anxiety. There is a balanced ground. It is never black or white, but what is the color that describes your existence?

Just the other day, I had a melt down. I do not know if it was because of my period, or if I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. All that I know is that I did not handle the day well, at all. Yesterday, however, was much better. I had been going on a path of tension and it took one really bad day to open my eyes to how I was really living. I woke up the next morning, yesterday, with a new outlook. I was renewed and refreshed. It can be a blessing to have one really bad day, to get you back on track. The question is not about a couple of bad days, or even a bad month. The question is, how are you living your life? I thank my God that I now can say that my life is much better and I am striving to live for him. Do I get every thing right? No. Am I moving forward, am I better than I was? Yes. Ask God to show you truth. Ask him to open your eyes to how you are really living. "What is the use of saying you have faith if you don't prove it by your actions." What are your actions saying about your faith?

Yesterday vs. Today

What a beautiful morning. After spending time in God's word, I took a few diapers outside to throw them away. I decided to sit on our bench for a few moments and take in the mountain air. I just sat there and listened to the singing birds. You don't realize how beautiful they sound, until they have been gone for several months. It has been raining all night and the air is crisp and new. How much I love living in the mountains. I do not stop to enjoy every moment of my life, nearly enough.

Yesterday did not start off quite so nicely. I woke up and felt tense. I tried to relax as I read, but I just felt mean. Then as I was taking a shower, it was not peaceful, my children were screaming right outside my door. Right after I emerge from the shower, my youngest, almost 3 yrs, knocked over one of my plants and broke the pot. I snapped. I could feel the anger within me, I was mad. My house was already a disaster, before the plant incident. I put the boys in timeout and cleaned up the mess. I let the boys out of their room and began getting ready for the day. This is when I started to cry.

Why do I still feel like such a failure? Why do I feel like I have so much further to go, and I am still in a pit? Why can't I be a better mother, a better wife? I want to help people with their relationship with God, but how? How can I help anyone, when I am still such a mess? I can do this because, today I see things differently than I did yesterday. Today, I see where I went wrong and today is a new crisp day. Will I mess up, today? You bet! But,every moment offers a fresh start. I just have to keep my eyes on the goal. I have to look at how far I have come and remember the power that got me here, was not by my power. Oh, how thankful I am for new beginnings, for fresh mornings.

"My Wonderful, Merciful Lord,
How I thank you. I am so grateful for new beginnings. I thank you for beautiful mornings that offer new life. I thank you for my family and for all of the blessings they provide. Thank you for a life that I never deserved. I still do not deserve all of the blessings that you so graciously provide. Please help me to walk this day in peace and to approach my children how you have always approach me. You never once lost your temper. You discipline with fairness and love. Help me to show my boys you, through my love for them. Widen my range of vision. Help me to see past the moment and into what really matters. There is nothing that I desire more, than to be like you. Thank you for allowing me to grow. Thank you that every day is a new day and even through the hard days, I am still growing. Even when it seems like I am taking a step back, it is really an opportunity to grow. I truly want to be a good friend, a loving mother, and a supportive wife. Help me to be an asset to my family and never a burden. Thank you Lord for this new day. Thank you for always loving me, even when I am unlovable.
In Your Sons most Holy, most Precious Name I pray this,
AMEN."

One Last Time

When I was in college, I got pregnant by my now ex-husband. The pregnancy was very hard on us and we began to fight. I lost the baby, because of the medications that I was taking for my MS, and we broke up. During this break up, I saw things about him that I was blinded to before. I decided that I did not ever want to be with him or anyone like him. I had made up my mind. I was going to change and life was going to be different. This was short lived.

He sent me songs, that he had written for me, and I was once again swept off of my feet. It did not take long and we were off to Vegas to get married. I loved to be held by him. I loved that high that I had, that euphoria, that drug that my body naturally created when I was with him. I craved the excitement that he brought to me. I loved the way he made me feel when we were in bed together, I felt complete. I truly believed that he loved me and only me. This too, was very short lived.

I have discovered that God gives us moments of clarity. He gives us those windows of opportunities, which open our eyes to the truth. My deciding window was when my ex and I had broken up. It is that moment when you realize the road you are on, is the wrong one. You can see that you are to turn around and never look back. The problem arises when you look back and think you would like to have just one more moment. You decide that you would like to get that high, just for a little while longer. You have no intentions of living forever with that person or that drug, but you would like to sleep with it just one more time. What ever that high is, just one more time will not hurt.

The danger is that you never really know when that last time will actually be your, all of the time. I have experienced it over and over. I only wanted that bodily feeling, one more time. I just wanted to have fun for that moment and I just knew that it would not last. Then several years down the road, I looked back. I saw that my last time had become my right now. My life for the past few years. What happened to that last time? Why was it so hard to see that my last time had become my life?

I had stopped looking, for just a brief moment, at what God wanted for me. I had caught a glimpse of God, but I wanted the high, just one more time. That is all that it takes. One more time and my life was completely out of control. One more time and I was years spent. One more time and I was a married woman, stripping so that my husband could get his fix by watching me with other men. One more time and I was a drug addict. Be careful with that last time. It may become your all of the time and it could take a long time to get over!