Apple of His Eye

"Let my teaching fall on you like rain; let my speech settle like dew. Let my words fall like rain on tender grass, like gentle showers on young plants." (Deut 32)

This image, this is the one. You can smell the rain on the grass, refreshing and new. The air is damp. The colors are vibrant... Ahh, take a deep breath. Fill your lungs with the freshness of Spring. Now step into church. Do you still feel the same? Do you feel refreshed and clean? This is how I feel, now at this walk of my life, but there was a time when all I heard was how none of us were good and if we did not live by the "rules" we were going to burn and that is all we deserved anyway. No grass. No fresh smell of rain. A desert wasteland waiting for me to die, this was my view of church, of God, of myself. But this is not where we are going. It is time to return to the Truth. It is time to reclaim who He made us to be; the apple, the maiden, the little man of His eye.

I used to do things that went against everything within me. I lived on the beach. Lets just say, no mamma wanted their children to look my way. I hung out at the bars and celebrated songs about trashy women. But, the whole time, from within my heart cried out, "This is not who I am. I am really good. Why can't you see that? Can you see who I really am through the fog of my actions? Why don't I feel cherished?"

There is something within each one of us that cries out for others to see us differently. Why is this? Maybe it is the God voice calling for us to be who He created us to become. Maybe that cry within our heart, that so desperately wants others to see us more beautifully, is the true cry of who we really are, and yet, for some reason we have squashed that cry and become something different. We have chosen less for ourselves for the world's voice shouted louder and changed us outwardly. So now it is time to return to who He created us to become so that our hearts are refreshed, the colors can be brighter and growth can occur. He created us as the crowning jewel of His delight! We are the little maiden's, the little men in His eye. When I got close to God, close enough to see my reflection in His eye, I could better see myself. Not only who I was, but who He made me to become.

Our society has lied to us. It has tried to tell our men that they will never grow up. They will remain boys forever and they are like animals who cannot control their physical desires. Our women will have to do everything because they just cannot handle it. Our little girls have grown up to quickly, on the other hand. They have become sexualized, not little girls becoming women, but hookers working for free. Through all of these lies, within each one of us we can hear His voice calling us to become more and to overcome the lie, to remember we are the apple of His eye. It is not about following the "rules", but about knowing who you are to Him, knowing who others are to Him as well.

The Ten Commandments are not just a bunch of do's and don'ts. They are a statement of how precious everyone in this equation is. (Exodus 20) God is the one to recognize for who He is. I am sacred and worth more, so give me the respect I need. You and your things are sacred and worth more, so I'll give you the respect you deserve. We have our place and our roles and each one is needed and worthy.

My God, He is Big! My God is my protector, my bouncer. He is the Rock that is immovable and He watches me, not to condemn me, but to guard me from harm. He is my cover who cherishes me and wants me to be treated with respect, for I have worth and value. He is my husband and with Him, no one dares to disrespect me for I hold our relationship close. "I will proclaim the name of the Lord; how glorious is our God! He is the Rock; his deeds are perfect. Everything he does is just and fair. He is a faithful God who does no wrong; how just and upright he is! ...He found them in a desert land, in an empty, howling wasteland. He surrounded them and watched over them; he guarded them as the apple of His eye..."


Remember who He made you to become and never again settle for less!

Business Dealings

Do you ever second guess yourself.  Wondering, "Did I do that? How did that happen? or Am I at fault here?"  So many things come into play as we work out each day, but when something goes wrong, those are the days that self doubt takes over.

I have been going through this.  The other day I received an email from one of the home owners that I work for.  She was questioning me about her home and some things that she found.  I immediately go into, "What did I not do, or I could have been more diligent here..."  My mind races and every step that I take is looked over and over and over.  I re-walk my steps through the house in my mind, over and over again.  Jason saw me "going there" last night.  He laid aside what he was doing then reached out and took me.  He asked, "Have you done anything wrong?"
"No"
"Did you open the door that was found open?"  (Other workers have access to the house as well.)
"No"
Every part of my performance is questioned and I start to cry.  I can't help it.  I know I could do better.  I always can!  But his words brought my heart to rest on the truth, "You did everything you could.  You take care of your job and you do it well.  If we loose these clients over this, it is okay."  And with that he hugged me and turned to finish what he was working on.

My night did not end in complete rest of my mind, but when I turned to scripture this morning I saw exactly what I needed to.  Proverbs 11:1, "Dishonesty in business disgusts the Eternal, but fair dealings delights Him."  Then the insert right below this says, "Business may well be the most common human activity, so God cares deeply about how we conduct our business.  Many proverbs address honesty in all forms of business-buying, selling, negotiating, transacting, and working.  All of these depend on trust.  Deceit in business causes many people to suffer.  In fact, world economies and all our livelihoods depend in large measure on truthfulness  honesty, and fair dealings in the market."

This may sound crazy, like a reprimand, but it is not.  I am innocent and have conducted myself with integrity.    I do at times take someone with me while I am working, but I am not irresponsible in doing this.  Often I need help, or it may be a good time to talk while I work.  They do not have free reign of the home, but are with me.  So why do I immediately jump to the awful conclusion that I have done something wrong?

Part of my insecurity is the fact that these home owners do not have a personal relationship with me.  They do not know me!  So in this I feel I am constantly having to prove myself.  That is an awful way to live.  This does not bring me security, but a feeling of inadequacy.  100% self inflicted.  May my heart rest on my reputation within.  Have I been perfect?  No.  Have I seen a few things I need to check on that I have not thought of before?  Indeed.  Will I do a little better next time in noticing what I do not usually think of? Yes.  With that, I can rest no matter the outcome.

Colossians 3:23, "Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people.  Remember that the Lord will give you an inheritance as your reward, and that the Master you are serving is Christ."

Nanny Cams, that is our next step.  I do my work well, but only He can see me when I am alone.  I have nothing to hide, for I know that in truth I always have someone watching.  I am hoping to get cameras in all of our homes.  Then there is never a question of "who?"  I do not have to live with a feeling of "self preservation", but a feeling of security that no matter what happens, He will take care of me.  I have been fair.   I have done my job to the best of my previously known ability.  Some things have been brought to my attention... now I know and will do even better.  That is all that can be expected of anyone.

As a child I trained myself to live on the defense.  I would lie and mislead.  I trained myself to not trust myself through the choices I made.  I have discovered that this is no way to live!  I still go there, but it is not merited.  I must constantly remind my heart of who I am now and I do not have to live in my past.  "I press on to the prize at the end for which Christ is calling me heavenward."  And with that, I find peace.  But in order to find this peace we must first look at our own heart.  Are we living in every day like we are being watched from Nanny Cameras?  If we discover that one day we have been filmed, what will be our reaction then?  Do we really live as though our true boss is the Lord?

Meaning of Masculinity

"Lori's story is heartbreaking. A young woman in her twenties and newly married, she was never the delight of her husband's eyes. Instead, he encouraged her to work as a stripper so that he could watch other men gawk at her. He exchanged the privilege and joy of an intimate meaningful relationship with his wife for a despicable moment of false sensuality. This husband's heart, rather than good, was a staggering evil (see Matthew 12:35)." (Harry Schaumburg, "Undefiled: Redemption From Sexual Sin, Restoration for Broken Relationships")


Yesterday morning I was up early as usual and doing some reading. I was studying for L!VE, a college ministry I teach at every Tuesday night. My topic was "Meaning of Masculinity". I stumbled upon Harry's book, for he has a great definition of masculinity that I was searching for. However, in my study, I was stopped dead in my tracks. Some years ago Harry called me and asked my permission to use my story in his new book that he was writing at the time. I gave him my permission, but never did build up enough courage to actually buy it. Well, after reading this paragraph, I jumped up and abruptly bought the book. Right in front of me was my story, only my name had once again been changed.

All day yesterday, I pondered Harry's words. All day, I thought about the men that have been in my life. All day, I kept focusing on what "my" young men needed to hear. What is going to build them into masculine men? What am I going to say to them that will build them up and not shoot them down?


"For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body." (Ephesians 5:25-30)


Ah, my current husband, Jason. He is my perfect example. What is masculinity? It is a man who can walk into a chaotic situation and bring peace. He is a man who can stand still in the middle of a storm, look it in the face and Not back down. He has never had to try and prove to me that he is physically stronger than I, for his demeanor is confidence. He is Christ's representative to me. His strength has redeemed me. I was broken. I am now healed and whole.


As I look at these verses, as I look at my two marriages, I can see the true power of a man. I am their reflections in their mirror. One man was broken and wrecked by life, his reflection was what he did to his wife. The other man had faced many trials, some he had won, some he had lost, but once again the reflection of how he valued himself was seen in his wife. He has brought redemption into my life. He has washed me clean and helped me to feel the pure love of Christ. A masculine man is a man who is calm, confident (outwardly, even if on the inside he is panicking) consistent ... Ah, yes, Consistent! I can trust Jason, for I am never taken by surprise. He is consistent. If he is afraid of something, he tells me. He lets me know exactly where we are financially. He shares with me everything, hiding nothing, but in this I find security, for all of it is known. I know where we are and where we are going. It took both my husbands to teach me to value Jason's strengths, for I know the dark side of the moon. I love to dance in the embrace of my strong man. Even if things look daunting (and they have) I know I can trust him. And this is masculine.


My charge to you men who are married, take a good look at your wife. What do you see? Is she secure or is she broken? Deuteronomy 23:1 Grow some balls and meet your wife in her chaos, bring peace in her storm. For if you do not, "your prayers will be hindered." 1 Peter 3:7 You are called to be your families redeemer. God does not take this lightly and neither should you.


My charge to you younger men, start practicing now how you are wanting to be later. Take your role seriously as the men God made you to be. Stop looking at porn and selling your relationship with your future wife. I truly believe that Viagra's business is booming because of men's addiction to porn. For if you are addicted to this lethal drug of pornography your wife will never be able to satisfy you. Take it from me, my ex-husband could never be satisfied for "meaninglessness does not come from being weary of pain, but it comes from being weary of pleasure," (RZ). Face the storms of life now, so that you will be able to bring redemption to her then... for the chances of your wife coming to you in her brokenness is very high in our society. Can you stand the tests of this world now, so that you are ready to one day become your families redeemer?


My husband, Jason, has my complete and total respect. I love him and desire him like none other. I feel pure and clean, washed by his love and redemption. This is the meaning of masculinity...

Goes Around, Comes Around

It can be amazing how our past sins can come and slap us in the face. Ahithophel was the counselor that Absalom used to help him while he was taking over his father's (David's) kingdom. 2 Samuel 16:15-23, "Absalom said to Ahithophel, 'Give us your advice. What should we do?' Ahithophel answered, 'Lie with your father's concubines whom he left to take care of the palace. Then all Israel will hear that you have made yourself a stench in your father's nostrils, and the hands of everyone with you will be strengthened.' So they pitched a tent for Absalom on the roof, and he lay with his father's concubines in the sight of all Israel."

Ahithophel was the grandfather of Bathsheba. He knew how to get to David. He used the same exact location to get to David, that David was in when he had first seen Bathsheba. David's sin with Bathsheba had now come in full circle. Now his son was going to sleep with his concubines where everyone could see. He was going to feel the sting of his own sin, in its original place of birth. This is the hardest consequences of sin, sometimes the consequences still come even after you have changed your ways. And, sometimes those consequences are felt threw your children.

Though this is how David's sin played out, I don't think that it had to come to this. While David himself had been confronted and this is how his eyes were opened, he had failed to do the same for his children. He missed the opportunity he had to be his children's counselor. Absalom's rebellion started when his brother's sin was not punished by David. This is when Absalom's heart grew hard against his father. Amnon had raped his sister Tamar, and even though David was very angry about it he never brought punishment to Amnon. 2 Samuel 13:22, "When King David heard all this, he was furious. Absalom never said a word to Amnon, either good or bad; he hated Amnon because he had disgraced his sister Tamar." This hatred turned into revenge and he killed Amnon two years later. It was after this when Absalom decided to take his father's kingdom. If David had punished Amnon when he should have, this may never have happened.

It was David's original guilt about his own sin that I think stopped him from punishing his children when they sinned. How often as parents do we tend to say, "well, I did it." Then we do not hold our children to the accountability standard that they need. What we must realize is that all too often our sins affect them by our not dealing with their sins, all because of our own personal guilt. Or, we see their sins and do not hold them accountable for their sins, all because we did it too. "We survived and so will they." At what cost do we sacrifice our children, all because we did it too. We are to be here as their counselors. Just like David had Nathan as his counselor, and Nathan did not turn a blind eye, we are to be our children's counselors. We are to hold them to the standards that God has given us, not the standards that we lived by. We are to love them unconditionally, but we are to love them in truth and love. There is a difference. If we do not love them in truth, then we cannot really love them. Sometimes the truth hurts. But, love always wrapped in truth is never blind. We cannot turn a blind eye, especially on our children, just because we are afraid of them saying, "You did it too. Who are you to judge me!" As we become older, we cannot hide behind the guilt and fear of our youth. We must learn to stand with our youth as an example and hold our children accountable to God's righteousness, not our mistakes. If you are not your child's counselor, who is?

Role Reversal

1 Peter 1, "So think clearly and exercise self-control... Obey God because you are His children. Don’t slip back into your old ways of living to satisfy your own desires. You didn’t know any better then. But now you must be holy in everything you do, just as God who chose you is holy. For the Scriptures say, 'You must be holy because I am holy.' ...For you have been born again. Your new life did not come from your earthly parents because the life they gave you will end in death. But this new life will last forever because it comes from the eternal, living word of God...”

One of the hardest things that I have to conquer still today, is when I return to my parents home. It is not even that my family is really all that hard to get along with. In reality, I have a very good family that is easy to be around. The hard part comes from me. I have a tendency to forget who I am today, in my home, and become this other person that once lived in their home. I slip back into my old ways of relating with my dad and with my mom. I carry childhood feelings with me when I am around my brothers. Everything reverts back to who I used to be. My attitude changes. I become this little girl, who wants my mom to wait on me. I become this bratty sibling that feels it is all about me. To conquer this I have to change my focus. I have to change my focus away from them changing their behavior toward me, to me changing toward them.

For the past couple of years I have been working on my attitude for when I go home. The entire way to Texas, I am concentrating on me and how I am going to react to everyone. I have no expectations for them. In fact, I expect them to be the same. If I expect them to be different, then I am setting myself up for disappointment and reverting myself.

This last trip home for Thanksgiving was the best yet. Honestly, I do not know if they were different, or if it was me, but it was better. However, I could still see things that I was doing that I need to let go of. I fear that I am still disrespectful to my dad and I hate that. I just want so desperately to connect with him, but somehow the TV always gets in the way. Then the disrespect comes flowing. How sorry I am for this. But for the most part, this trip was better.

When we go back home, it is like we are going back to who we left behind in ourselves. I would have to say that this is why the holidays can be so hard for so many. It is not really them, but who we become when we are around them. So if you look at it as everyone feels this way, they are becoming who they used to be when they are around us. We all are reverting and no one is allowed to be who they are in Christ, now. My mother becomes the mother of a little girl again. My dad becomes the father he used to be, and my brothers become the older brother again. We all revert. I believe the key to this whole family dynamic, begins with me. I am the only one I can control. I have to always be prepared, "think clearly and exercise self-control... Obey God because you are His children. Don’t slip back into your old ways of living"

My earthly parents have done their work here. My brothers have loved me as older brothers. My role has changed. I am now the child of God and I must act like it, no matter where I am. So before you revert to who you used to be, remember who you are now, and take that person with you. Have grace for those who are having a hard time as well. Be prepared for yourself, so you don't slip back to who you used to be. Love them. Love yourself. Remember whose you really are now, before the temptation comes for you to slip back. Have a very Merry Christmas.